One and done due to IF

[megkat]

My situation is a little different, but we're also one and done thanks to IF. DH has severe MFI- we got a miracle BFP with my DD, but we're going on almost two years of TTC #2 with nothing, including 7 unsuccessful IUI's (4 with Clomid, 3 with injectables). My insurance doesn't cover IVF and there's just no way we can swing the OOP cost (it would literally take us YEARS to come up with it, and I have the same thought you do, that spending that kind of money for IVF when I could put it towards the one I have just isn't something I'm prepared to do).

It's hard for me because I think I could accept being OAD better if it had been my choice. If I'm being 100% honest, I think I'm probably a better mom of one than I would be of two. We also don't have a ton of money (DH is a nanny and I work for a nonprofit), and we can certainly give my DD more opportunities if it's just her. But I HATE the fact that the choice was taken away from me.

For me, I know that whether it was really my "choice" or not, I need a sense of closure for the whole thing. So we're going to give it one more year of trying on our own, and if I'm not pregnant by Jan 2018, then DH is getting a vasectomy. I worry pretty much all the time that I'll come to regret that decision, but ultimately, I think I need that sense of closure to really accept that we are truly OAD. Leaving the door open, even a crack, I think I'll always have a lingering sense of "well, maybe it will still happen...". But really, I feel like there's are the fear of regret with any decision. What if I end up PG and then I realize how much better off I would have been being OAD? It sucks no matter what I decide, so I am just trying to do what I think will ultimately give me the most peace in the end, even knowing that I'm sure there will be times that I question if I made the right decision. And even though I know I will need time to really come to terms with it, I really am looking forward to taking away the uncertainty.

[awkwardpenguin]

We're probably done, and we did destroy the last two vials of sperm, although our donor is still available to donate if we needed to. However, we're still paying for embryo storage for the embryo we have left from DW's third IVF. She doesn't feel ready to let it go and even though I don't want more children, I am willing to give her some space on the decision.

Ultimately, you're talking about $400 to keep it another two years. I don't think you have to make the decision until you are ready.

[dellabear]

I don't remember your dx, if you ever decided to do ivf again could your H give another sample?

We have one perfect 5 day embryo in storage. I paid the storage fee in the fall but am leaning towards not paying again. Really the only thing standing in my way is that it just feels wrong to destroy the embryo, especially after all we went through to get it. But then, if we'd gotten 10 embryos we would definitely have to destroy some. IDK. At this point I feel no desire to go through treatments again. I also do feel like our family is complete. I'm not sure there's enough of me to go around for another child, never mind money and space in the house and car, etc.

Sorry, that's probably not helpful... you're not alone anyway.

[dellabear]

Oh wow, okay then. I think I'd just wait and see how you feel, eventually I think you'll move more firmly into the yes or no camp. $200 isn't much money to keep your options open.

FWIW I did find that I was OAD with my first until she reached about 2 years old, and then all of a sudden, I felt like we HAD to have another. I think maybe it'll be more clear once you're out of the baby stage.

[oneslybookworm]

We're probably more OAD due to IF, but primarily because I don't think there's a way we could swing the cost for a second adoption. Had we not done any IF treatments and gone straight to adoption, I might be in a different boat, but we spent around $15k on IUIs and IVF, and this adoption will end up topping out around $46k, so that's $60k just for ONE KID. And that's before I even get a chance to start raising it! Paying another $30-$40k for a second adoption just seems like too much.

That said, I agree with megkat. If this were my CHOICE, I think I'd feel better about it. But since it feels like it's being forced on me, I'm struggling.

I say pay the fees for another year if you're even remotely unsure. Hang in there, these types of decisions are shit, IMO.

[boiler717]

So much yes. I have no idea what we are going to do. It's $200 and the peace of mind would be worth it to me.

[loira]

I'm sorry, I'm kind of in this place, too. Although mine is less treatment/cost related. I don't know if I can ever be pregnant again. I feel like we defied huge odds to have A, and I was willing to go through it because the alternative was never being a mother to a living child. But now that we have her, I'm not sure I'm willing to risk my sanity and my physical health to try and have another. Plus if we do end up living in the US for awhile, I 100% refuse to be pregnant in a country where women continue to have fewer and fewer rights. I do not want to find myself in a situation where the choice I have to make is disrespected, where I am treated with contempt, or worse, where I don't have the choice at all. This isn't just on principle (I'm not saying all women should refrain from getting pregnant there, that would be ridiculous), it's personal for me since we have a higher chance of genetic issues due to our history and it is a legitimate risk for us.

I also think I might be a better mum to one. We're not super well off financially, although our lot is sure to improve once we have some stability in terms of living situation, but we'll be able to travel and do more things with her than if we had 2. Still, I can't quite come to a decision yet. H and I have agreed to revisit the subject in 2 years' time since we wouldn't want 2 close in age anyway.

spearmintleaf, I think I would regret spending the money less than I would regret making a decision before I was really ready.

[shoeless]

I struggle with this thought all the time. Before getting pregnant I would bargain with God 'Just let me have one healthy pregnancy and child and I'll never want another'. But now we have one remaining embryo and since we paid so much for it (donor eggs) it seems like such a waste to destroy. I also feel like I owe it to my daughter to give her a genetic sibling since her family story will be different from most. However, pregnancy for me is very ill-advised. Is it worth risking not being there for her at all just to give her a sibling? I don't know. I also struggle with the costs of adoption, 70k for 2 children is hard to swallow. For now I would spend the $200.00 until you are completely ready to close this chapter.

[Muddled]

I'm not even remotely interested in going through the ttc process again- not any of it. So there you have it.



Eta- in your shoes, I would spend the money. Make a decision when you are ready.

[grover]

We'll probably be one and done. We switched insurance, and now with Trump, who knows what changes to health care will be made.

However, we are leaning towards no bc after baby girl is born. I have no interest in an IUD, and hormonal BCP gives me more migraines. I don't have high hopes of getting pregnant on our own (3.5 years of trying and IUI was needed for this one), but who knows. I also know we definitely can't afford IVF at all.
Once my hormones have stabilized and we decide for sure (H has always leaned towards OAD but isn't willing to schedule a v yet) we'll either try another IUI or decide for sure we're done and he'll get the v.

I just wish this was our choice and not one forced upon us due to If and the cost of treatments. If we had gotten pregnant when we first started trying, we may or may not have decided to be OAD anyway.

Also I'm a little irrationally irked that not only did we need IF TX and it seemed like it took forever to get to this point, but that this pregnancy has also kinda sucked. But part of this is also irrationally due to my younger sister who got two oops babies last year after two incredibly easy pregnancies.

[Muddled]

Jan 21, 2017 11:15:27 GMT -5 spearmintleaf said:

Jan 21, 2017 7:48:30 GMT -5 Muddled said:

I'm not even remotely interested in going through the ttc process again- not any of it. So there you have it.



Eta- in your shoes, I would spend the money. Make a decision when you are ready.

Yeah, that's how I feel. Sometimes I wonder if I would want another kid and I think "probably not but maybe." But when I think about meeting with the RE again, spending the money, the shots, the retrieval, the 2ww, the pain of failed cycles and miscarriage... I just think, never ever again. My biggest fear is opening the door to the idea of another kid and then not being able to have one. Whereas, my life is full and great right now and I don't want to think about the what if. That's my temptation to destroy it, really. Take away the option so I can avoid being swayed by future baby fever.

I get it.

I also know that I thought people were absolutely insane for having another until LO was about 6 months and had outgrown absolutely everything and the. I understood why someone would want another.

But ttc? No, thank you. I may never come back from it.

[loira]

Jan 23, 2017 11:44:31 GMT -5 Muddled said:

Jan 21, 2017 11:15:27 GMT -5 spearmintleaf said:

Yeah, that's how I feel. Sometimes I wonder if I would want another kid and I think "probably not but maybe." But when I think about meeting with the RE again, spending the money, the shots, the retrieval, the 2ww, the pain of failed cycles and miscarriage... I just think, never ever again. My biggest fear is opening the door to the idea of another kid and then not being able to have one. Whereas, my life is full and great right now and I don't want to think about the what if. That's my temptation to destroy it, really. Take away the option so I can avoid being swayed by future baby fever.

I get it.

I also know that I thought people were absolutely insane for having another until LO was about 6 months and had outgrown absolutely everything and the. I understood why someone would want another.

But ttc? No, thank you. I may never come back from it.

So much this. If someone could tell me "your next pregnancy will be textbook, with zero anxiety, and you won't need to struggle at all to have a healthy baby" I would be much more open to considering another. But no one can guarantee that. Even after all the testing, my pregnancy with A turned out to be high risk. I'm not sure I want another enough to go through it all again.

[cowgirlcutie]

I'm way late to this spearmintleaf, but I can also relate to so much that you have written. We opted to have DH's frozen sperm be destroyed as I knew I absolutely wouldn't want to go through another IVF cycle. After suffering through a failed reversal and the PESA, DH is done with procedures. However, we do have 3 embryos still in storage.

DH was adamant that he was going to be OAD with me (he has 2 older children) but I can sense he's having a bit of a change of heart now that DD is here. I have no desire to have 2 in diapers at the same time, so that would put a potential 2nd child being born where DH would be pushing 50. Plus, I'm not very confident that I would be a very good mom to more than one. I can relate to many of the lifestyle reasons that being OAD for me is a great thing. Yet, on the other hand, we spent 20k to get DD and I had an easy pregnancy that it would be a shame not to pursue it again. I've hung onto my expensive maternity clothes and haven't planned on selling/getting rid of the little baby stuff yet.

I guess I struggle with the fact that everything has to be so calculated. Like, we can't just through caution to the wind and try naturally. So once the embryos are gone, that door is closed forever. We are revisiting the issue when the storage is up again for the embryos which is pretty much DD's 1st birthday.