Repost, dating advice

[carrotsmakemefat]

A good friend is a sweet girl and fairly extroverted, but I know has a sensitive inner shell. She confided in me today that she's feeling insecure about dating. She is divorced almost a year and just feeling ready to date. She met a couple people she thought she had a connection with all from real life (not online).

One of the guys is in our yoga instructor classes. I noticed a little something with them too just from my own observations. When she texted him to ask him out he was kind back but said he has a girlfriend (totally cool, but from spending hours with this dude and getting to know people well in that environment his GF was never mentioned and dropped a single vibe).

Second she met at work, asked him to attend a yoga class with her since he expressed an interest in trying it. He also made it clear in conversation that he was living alone and wasn't taken. He turned her down, and according to her said if he was up to doing other things outside work she was open to it, and she said he was gracious and had a genuine chuckle from that, but now she says he's been a little weird with her, not making eye contact, etc.

How can I be encouraging to her ? She seems down. She's a nice woman and pretty awesome from what I can tell. I'm actually proud of her for putting herself out there, but now she is second guessing asking guys out at all in the future.

[carrotsmakemefat]

And a question about whether it's common for dudes to flirt and give the single vibe, and then back off when asked out. Why is that ? Is her picker off?
She told me that after the first guy (yoga dude from our class), she was feeling confident that #2 was really into her. Just to be turned down again

[statlerwaldorf]

I think it's a bad idea to date co-workers. I know a lot of other people who won't date co-workers either. It gets too weird if you break up and can get really messy. It's hard not to take it personally, but in reality there are so many different reasons a man might not be interested in pursuing anything further.

I can't offer much advice on figuring out if men are single or not. I have a hard time figuring it out too.

[carrotsmakemefat]

Jan 26, 2017 21:28:08 GMT -5 statlerwaldorf said:

I think it's a bad idea to date co-workers. I know a lot of other people who won't date co-workers either. It gets too weird if you break up and can get really messy. It's hard not to take it personally, but in reality there are so many different reasons a man might not be interested in pursuing anything further.

I can't offer much advice on figuring out if men are single or not. I have a hard time figuring it out too.

Oh! I forgot to mention that she has a new job and was leaving for a mid Feb start date. So thankfully the awkwardness is short lived

[itsmyparty]

A few thoughts from me...

I think a lot of men - and women, for that matter - like to flirt or get attention regardless of whether they're available. It's flattery, plain and simple.

I wouldn't ever think to ask a man to go to a yoga class with me as a first date, especially if he's never been to one before. I will probably be in the minority on this, and I may get flamed because I know a lot of women don't share this opinion, but I see yoga as a female thing. Even though the yoga class I go to has a male yogi and yoga was started by a man. I've never been in a yoga class with men, and I've taken yoga in several places. I think a lot of men regard yoga as a "chick thing," so it might have been a turn off for the work guy to be invited to a class. At the same time, most men I know find the idea of women doing yoga "hot." The whole yoga pants, flexibility thing. He might have been interested in seeing/hearing about women doing yoga, but maybe not himself.

I'm a progressive woman, but I tend to let men make the first move in dating. It's my experience that if a man is interested, he'll move. And for me, the shy ones that don't move first probably aren't my type. I need a strong man to balance out my strong tendencies, or else I'll run all over him or take everything over...and I don't want that. And I also don't want a guy that I have to talk into going out with me.

[carrotsmakemefat]

Thanks itsmyparty - we're in a large military community and we actually have a good number of men who come to yoga. It's interesting actually ! Very different from other studios I've tried. I think it's because there is a good blend of "power yoga" for those type A personalities and then a mix of restore and other classes. We even have a guy in our yoga instructor training classes who has been doing yoga for 10+ years.

And your insights about the man asking versus the woman is interesting and a good viewpoint to consider. I personally feel the same way, but have always struggled with this.

I really hope she tries online dating at some point but only when she is ready. She really was cautious because it's hard to gauge actual chemistry that way

[jigsy]

Jan 26, 2017 21:56:31 GMT -5 carrotsmakemefat said:

Jan 26, 2017 21:28:08 GMT -5 statlerwaldorf said:

I think it's a bad idea to date co-workers. I know a lot of other people who won't date co-workers either. It gets too weird if you break up and can get really messy. It's hard not to take it personally, but in reality there are so many different reasons a man might not be interested in pursuing anything further.

I can't offer much advice on figuring out if men are single or not. I have a hard time figuring it out too.

Oh! I forgot to mention that she has a new job and was leaving for a mid Feb start date. So thankfully the awkwardness is short lived

Does he know she has a new job? 

[carrotsmakemefat]

jigsy, 99% sure she said he knows she has a new job

[jigsy]

Jan 27, 2017 11:21:51 GMT -5 carrotsmakemefat said:

jigsy , 99% sure she said he knows she has a new job

Ok...I only ask because maybe he didn't know and didn't want to date a CW. But, maybe not, lol.

[itsmyparty]

Jan 27, 2017 7:33:55 GMT -5 carrotsmakemefat said:

I really hope she tries online dating at some point but only when she is ready. She really was cautious because it's hard to gauge actual chemistry that way

It is hard to judge chemistry on OLD, which is why I try to move things along to a meeting pretty quickly (most men do the same). But it's the best way to get an idea - fairly efficiently - of whether someone's background, general personality/approach to things might be worth exploring. I have had a lot of luck with Tinder; say what you will about it being a "hook up" site, but that hasn't necessarily been my experience. You can spot the ONS guys pretty quickly, and there are a lot of guys looking to casually date and see where it goes (which is my approach to dating). 

[pinkdutchtulips]

Jan 27, 2017 17:44:16 GMT -5 itsmyparty said:

Jan 27, 2017 7:33:55 GMT -5 carrotsmakemefat said:

I really hope she tries online dating at some point but only when she is ready. She really was cautious because it's hard to gauge actual chemistry that way

It is hard to judge chemistry on OLD, which is why I try to move things along to a meeting pretty quickly (most men do the same). But it's the best way to get an idea - fairly efficiently - of whether someone's background, general personality/approach to things might be worth exploring. I have had a lot of luck with Tinder; say what you will about it being a "hook up" site, but that hasn't necessarily been my experience. You can spot the ONS guys pretty quickly, and there are a lot of guys looking to casually date and see where it goes (which is my approach to dating). 

glad I'm not the only one who has the best luck on Tinder .... both guys who I'm casually seeing I met on Tinder

[itsmyparty]

Jan 27, 2017 18:17:46 GMT -5 pinkdutchtulips said:

Jan 27, 2017 17:44:16 GMT -5 itsmyparty said:

It is hard to judge chemistry on OLD, which is why I try to move things along to a meeting pretty quickly (most men do the same). But it's the best way to get an idea - fairly efficiently - of whether someone's background, general personality/approach to things might be worth exploring. I have had a lot of luck with Tinder; say what you will about it being a "hook up" site, but that hasn't necessarily been my experience. You can spot the ONS guys pretty quickly, and there are a lot of guys looking to casually date and see where it goes (which is my approach to dating). 

glad I'm not the only one who has the best luck on Tinder .... both guys who I'm casually seeing I met on Tinder

Ever since we both ran into that same circumstance - with tall and handsome types we fell for fast through Tinder - I've been afraid we're dating the same men But I think there are enough men in the Bay Area to be fairly sure we're not.

There is a certain efficiency and honesty about Tinder that I find refreshing. Attraction is important, so I like the idea of agreeing on that point, then moving on to some conversation that gives you a feel for them + basic info, then moving on to a first meeting. The guys on OKC have been way creepier for me, and most of them have something odd going on, too. I have come across a couple of married guys on Tinder (they didn't tell me they were married until we met in person!), but at least I didn't waste a lot of time texting/messaging with them first...we met for coffee/drink within a day or two of matching.

[Deleted]

I think she's going after men for who it would be awkward if it didn't work. She is technically the yoga instructor's client and a coworker is always awkward. Also I agree that a yoga class as a first date isn't the best. A more casual "hey wanna catch up with a drink after work" can be more effective. Good for her for asking though. I think the lines between flirty and friendly can easily be blurred. OLD can be a pain in the ass but I have met some nice guys through it. Nothing has stuck but it hasn't been an all bad experience

[carrotsmakemefat]

Jan 28, 2017 18:01:02 GMT -5 @pdx18 said:

I think she's going after men for who it would be awkward if it didn't work. She is technically the yoga instructor's client and a coworker is always awkward. Also I agree that a yoga class as a first date isn't the best. A more casual "hey wanna catch up with a drink after work" can be more effective. Good for her for asking though. I think the lines between flirty and friendly can easily be blurred. OLD can be a pain in the ass but I have met some nice guys through it. Nothing has stuck but it hasn't been an all bad experience

Both good points I will bring up if it comes up in conversation!

The yoga guy is on the same level - both becoming teachers, not a client/ teacher relationship. But yea, I can see your point in general. If they broke up they'd run into each other from time to time.

Work guy, she said she only did it because she had a new job and it was short lived. BUT overall, you established a pattern that would cause someone to say no, and that's so useful.

It's encouraging to hear great feedback about OLD.

[carrotsmakemefat]

A quick update: I had lunch with my friend today and she confided in me saying that they didn't talk at work for a couple days after she asked him to yoga....now they are full swing back into flirting at work.

Not sure this is going to go anywhere (in fact, I'm slight concerned that maybe he just likes the ego boost and her hopes are still up). I guess we'll see.

[itsmyparty]

carrotsmakemefat, is it possible she's misinterpreting him just being social and friendly as flirting?

Regardless, I don't think he's interested. If he was, he would've gone for it - if not yoga, something else. My bet is he isn't really flirting, or he just likes the attention/ego boost.