Money and the mind games it plays

[explorer2001]

Fiance and I had round 1 of our quarterly financial review over the weekend. I still feel like we aren't getting ahead, but looking at the numbers that just isn't true. We've increased net worth over $50k in the last year even with flat at best performance by the house, which is still underwater.

It's such a crazy mind game money plays. Why if we've made that progress do I still feel like we're falling behind?

[goldengirlz]

I would start by asking yourself what your financial goals are and where specifically you feel like you're falling behind or what you're unable to afford.

So many people would love to have $50k to their name, period, let alone a $50k increase.

[lolalolalola]

We find it hard not to compare to our peers. I know objectively it can't be true across the board, but it seems like others are doing so much better than we are money wise.

[explorer2001]

Believe me I know how fortunate we are to see these kinds of assets/increases. I know there are many factors contributing to how I feel. Like the house still being upsidedown because I bought in 2007 before the market crashed. Between the mortgage and real estate fees, I feel completely trapped. Fiance has a bunch of expensive dreams and we've put $$$$ into his business this year which doesn't show up in my calculations. Most of the money is tied up in retirement accounts so even if I wanted to I can't liquidate it to deal with the house or other issues like buying the place Fiance keeps talking about or moving us out of state. Sadly another factor is benchmarking against some of the ladies on here. I know we'll never be in a position to think about retiring before 70ish at best. Ugh. Like I said mind games.

[ssmjlm]

I think it's the "seeing the forest through the trees" mentality. Retirement looks good. Savings are good.

And yet some months it's like "Why is the cc bill so high? Oh yeah we had to buy x & y for the new house. And the dog needed flea and heartworm at the last appt." Or daycare's annual registration comes up and there goes another $150 plus a $10/increase in the monthly tuition.

The day to day bills are the ones banging down the door while retirement is chillin in the background, getting fed every paycheck and doing its thing.

[gtkim]

Jan 30, 2017 21:50:45 GMT -5 lolalolalola said:

We find it hard not to compare to our peers. I know objectively it can't be true across the board, but it seems like others are doing so much better than we are money wise.

This will make you crazy if you do it.  For all you know, they could be in debt up to their ears to finance whatever kind of lifestyle they lead.  Focus on you and your goals and you'll be a lot happier at the end of the day.

[AmyRI]

I try very hard to not compete with the high earners on these boards, but it is hard sometimes. We have done really well for ourselves and I try to remind myself that we have made a lot of really great financial decisions and are SO much better off than our parents were. We're doing really well.

In terms of day-to-day money handling, having money auto-deposited into save-to-spend accounts has helped a lot. So now we automatically save for auto repairs, home projects/repairs, and travel and it's separate from the rest of our budget. We often are able to cashflow small projects without touching the savings, and for bigger stuff the money has been there when we need it.

And when I need some perspective:
www.businessinsider.com/how-much-average-family-saved-for-retirement-2016-3
www.cnbc.com/2016/10/03/how-much-americans-at-every-age-have-in-their-savings-accounts.html
www.washingtonpost.com/news/the-fix/wp/2015/06/03/tnearly-half-of-americans-say-they-cant-afford-an-unexpected-400-expense/?utm_term=.c8fc4404b5b6
www.ssa.gov/oact/cola/AWI.html
www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2016/05/11/are-you-in-the-american-middle-class/

[farfalla2011]

I totally get where you're coming from. What has really helped me is to divide up your bigger financial goals into smaller more short term tangible incremental goals so you can actually feel the progress.

Example, we're in the process of saving for a new house. I have a couple different scenarios set up with how big of a down payment we want to have (20%, 10%, etc) and then have the amount we have saved and have a calcuated percentage of the progress we're making. It helps me be able to not get discouraged and also see we are making progress on such a huge goal.

It sounds like your house is your biggest frustration. Do you have a plan to get out from under it? Even though it's a big stressor, if you plan to ride it out rather than throwing cash at it, you may want to develop other attainable financial goals that you can have control of so you can divert some of that anxiety and stress into something productive.

It definitely is all a mind game because it's all in how you look at the data.

[followyourarrow]

With debt pay off it's so much easier to see as those cc debts and medical bills go away and you can get a nice snow ball going. Accumulating doesn't really get that same snowball that you can really see month to month and it's so much easier to lose focus and not feel like your building momentum.

[lolalolalola]

Jan 31, 2017 9:45:01 GMT -5 gtkim said:

Jan 30, 2017 21:50:45 GMT -5 lolalolalola said:

We find it hard not to compare to our peers. I know objectively it can't be true across the board, but it seems like others are doing so much better than we are money wise.

This will make you crazy if you do it.  For all you know, they could be in debt up to their ears to finance whatever kind of lifestyle they lead.  Focus on you and your goals and you'll be a lot happier at the end of the day.

I agee there's nothing positive at all about this kind of thinking. And we try to focus inward but it's hard sometimes.

However I will state that I dislike the sentiment that "others could be in debt" etc. because I think that's just something we tell ourselves to feel better.

[hbomdiggity]

I think it's also a balance between saving and spending. If you budget (save) so tight that there is little wiggle room every month for fun stuff, then I think it feels like you don't have any money because you aren't enjoying it.

[UnderProtest]

explorer2001, Please don't look at what others have vs what you have. Look at what you have now vs. before. You have come SOOOOO far in only the time I've "known" you on the boards. You got out from a horrible marriage and are calmly digging yourself out of the debt he caused you. Money doesn't mean anything when you are miserable. You now have a loving, supportive fiancé and a good stable job. You are doing AWESOME!!!!

[Deleted]

I think I've kind of accepted that my finances are never going to be perfect. I'm going for "good enough" and it's a lot less stressful.

We're behind on retirement, but I am not that worried about it since FI isn't working a full time job yet (PhD student) and once he does, I have little doubt we can catch up. We don't have any other non-SL debt and we have some money socked away in a savings account for emergencies/extra things that come up. So compared to most people, we're actually doing really well. Compared to some, we're poor. Lol.

We don't have trouble paying our bills, we can generally do stuff we prioritize, and we're saving vs going further into debt. That's good enough for me!

[explorer2001]

Jan 31, 2017 13:24:38 GMT -5 UnderProtest said:

explorer2001, Please don't look at what others have vs what you have. Look at what you have now vs. before. You have come SOOOOO far in only the time I've "known" you on the boards. You got out from a horrible marriage and are calmly digging yourself out of the debt he caused you. Money doesn't mean anything when you are miserable. You now have a loving, supportive fiancé and a good stable job. You are doing AWESOME!!!!

You actually made me cry 😢. Hugs. You're so sweet.

[teatimefor2]

Mind games are the worse. I know DH makes decent money, but we struggle day to day and always go over budget. But we stay the course and review our financial growth bi-annually and record it. In the last ten years, we've made huge strides! I keep telling myself short term pain, long term gain. Plus my waist line thanks me when I feel the financial pull not to buy an extra treat, etc.

You are doing great and there will always be people with more or less than you-- that's life. It's enjoying life that matters most!

[UnderProtest]

Jan 31, 2017 15:46:02 GMT -5 explorer2001 said:

Jan 31, 2017 13:24:38 GMT -5 UnderProtest said:

explorer2001 , Please don't look at what others have vs what you have. Look at what you have now vs. before. You have come SOOOOO far in only the time I've "known" you on the boards. You got out from a horrible marriage and are calmly digging yourself out of the debt he caused you. Money doesn't mean anything when you are miserable. You now have a loving, supportive fiancé and a good stable job. You are doing AWESOME!!!!

You actually made me cry 😢. Hugs. You're so sweet.

I wasn't trying to make you cry!!!!  

[konapoppy]

Money is such a funny thing. Unless you have gold bars and dollars in the mattress (no judgment here!), it is just a concept that can be hard to register. You are doing all the right things and I am so excited to hear about your continued success.

[Roc A Bee]

I'm guilty of saving money monthly, retirement and emergency, and would feel broke every month. I had to change my thinking to save, pay bills, spend the rest. If I spend it all , that's ok because I already saved and my bills are paid. But mentally it was difficult to feel like I wasn't struggling even when hitting my goals because I couldn't buy whatever I wanted