Dating, kids, overnights - how do you handle?

[formerlyak]

DH and I didn't do overnights when DS was around until we were already planning on moving in together. Then we did it to ease the transition. Prior to that our only overnights were Wednesdays and every other weekend when I didn't have DS.

[1confused1]

I did an overnight once with my now ex-boyfriend. It was really uncomfortable in the morning with the kids, even though they knew him and had spent lots of time with him. We never did it again.

[formerlyak]

Mar 16, 2017 13:13:57 GMT -5 chocolatepickle said:

Mar 16, 2017 12:34:08 GMT -5 formerlyak said:

DH and I didn't do overnights when DS was around until we were already planning on moving in together. Then we did it to ease the transition. Prior to that our only overnights were Wednesdays and every other weekend when I didn't have DS.

How far into the relationship was it? I am wondering for how long you were able to sustain dating every other weekend.

A little over a year. We started doing things that included DS about 6 months in, but that wasn't super frequent and never involved overnight.

[sacattack]

So when DH and I started dating and I would spend the night I would come over after the kids went to bed and leave before they got up. This continued until our children met each other (about 4 months in). After that point, I started openly sleeping over and we would have family sleepovers. Although its hard to remember, I don't think it was very often that I would be there without my kids or him without his.

Whats the reasoning about the no sleepover rule? At what point would it be acceptable to his ex? That seems like a big thing to navigate. Also what are the ages of his kids? I think you need to explain your relationship in an age appropriate way.

[heywhat]

I have my son the majority of the time and we did not do overnights for about a year. Then we did one when my son requested that we all have a pancake breakfast together one morning... so a sleepover was born. Most of our overnights were related to travel for about another year (visiting my parents for Christmas, and there we slept in separate rooms).

How old are your kids? How do you think they will react?

[glynn]

Never had over night visit when the kids were home. Could you not take a trip together and your BF and his kids get a room and you and your kids get a room. My thought always was how am I going to tell my kids not to do it if they see me doing it. You can spend all kinds of time together then just go home to your own beds at night.
My problem with dating is that we both have our kids on the same weekends and are not prepared to meet each others kids. He works the other weekends....

[glynn]

Mar 16, 2017 16:06:43 GMT -5 chocolatepickle said:

Mar 16, 2017 15:57:43 GMT -5 glynn said:

My thought always was how am I going to tell my kids not to do it if they see me doing it. 

Here is where I have an issue with this specific logic. I am actually relatively conservative myself where it comes to dating, etc., however, I don't believe that you need to wait until marriage to have sex. I have no problem with my grown kids (18+, out of my house, college age - I guess something like that) staying over with their serious relationship partners. No, it's not okay when they are kids but I don't think it's an issues when they are grown ups and responsible. I also drink wine and beer in front of them but don't think that it's an issue - it is something that adults do but not kids.

I know I didn't answer the rest of your questions but I am trying to figure out my thoughts about this concept in general. 

My grown kids are 25 and 23 and they have/will never see me sleep over with someone I am not married to, my choice. So my 9 year old will not either. They were all recently home for Christmas and both my big kids are in long term relationships. They all slept in different beds or on couches in my house out of respect for my rules. They can do whatever they feel comfortable with at their homes..... I told them before they came that was how it was going to be or they could go somewhere else....

I also do not drink in front of my kids... i do not drink often anyway so that is not a big deal.

I have always felt like I needed to set a example for my kids different from the world. They know I have drunk a glass or 2 of something and I know they have we just do not do it in front of each other. I know it is kinda messed up but I am their mother when they are around...

[dancelnow]

I'm struggling with this now having come from a very conservative background. My biggest worry is that others will blow it out of proportion if DS mentions it. Not that I think it's wrong enough for him not to see it. We'll sleep much more clothed than if no kids were there. But so far we've just done a camping trip all in one tent where he and I opened up our sleeping bags into one big one for the second night.

[thedutchgirl]

This discussion is interesting to me, and I don't have kids, so I can't comment on that aspect. I will say, though, that I was surprised recently when my BF was fine with us going on vacation with his daughter (21) for spring break and sharing a bed in a hotel room with two beds. (Just one short night after a late-night flight. We had separate rooms from her the rest of the time.) He is pretty conservative--no sex until we were in a relationship--so his being a bit more liberal on this than I might have expected surprised me.

It's interesting to hear how others view and handle this.

[kimmyo73]

I'll speak to this from the kids perspective ... I was the child who's mom had her BFs over before and after any level of serious relationship status.  I remember feeling uncomfortable with it from a very early age (my parents divorced when I was 6).

I also know that my mom had one serious BF that would not sleep in her room when he had his daughters for the weekend. He would sleep on the couch but he had no problem (and my mom allowed this) when I was the only kid.  I always thought it odd that it was okay to bang my mom when I was there but not his kids.

I'm not single and can't speak to how I would handle this personally but I think I would take it VERY slowly.  

Good luck in navigating what is right for your kids and you.

[Deleted]

Not my kids but when I dated a guy that had the kids nearly full time, I would not do overnights when the kids were home. I was introduced at 6 months. We broke up at 9ish months. We talked about bringing my dogs over and then doing overnights on kid weekends too but I just wasn't feeling it. Broke up shortly afterwards so I'll never know!

My mom started dating when I was 23. Her boyfriend had his own bedroom at her house where he would sleep over (he lived over an hour away). She very much is a believer in no sex before marriage but lets us kids bring SOs home and share a bedroom, no questions asked.

[Linie]

With my XH, I met his son (7 at the time) six months into the relationship. I shared a bedroom with XH for the first time on holidays 6 months later. After that, we shared a room whenever I was there, also when his son was there. It was never an issue.

[doriswe]

How old are the kids? How long have you two been dating?

[closertofine]

I haven't crossed this bridge yet, but as of now, I am a hard no for myself, with the exception of vacations (and even then, if he has kids, I could see separate rooms). I didn't live with stbx before we married (well, technically for three weeks because his lease ran out and he was moving into my house). I am by no means a prude, but this is just something I don't want my kids to see.

[pinkdutchtulips]

i haven't crossed this bridge completely yet - ive been seeing someone casually for awhile and he'll come over to my place LATE at night once dd's asleep but leave before she wakes up.

i've got full 24/7 custody so how all this is going to shake out is beyond me --- especially since i have no family locally. we're figuring out ways to make it work taking advantage of dd being at friends' houses overnight or sitter's at mine not to mention working around his 50/50 custody. we don't see each nearly as much as we'd like but we both get why ...