How do you avoid passing along your issues to your kids?

[sonrisa]

I was listening to The Heart podcast - the episodes about child molestation (Silent evidence). And it reminds me that


(1) I'm still in denial. Even after finally talking about the incident with my husband last fall and posting about it here, I still thought "I'm glad that wasn't me. I pray it won't be my daughters." when they mention the 1 in 7 statistic before I remembered that of course I am. Yes, I was lucky. It was a minor incident and wasn't what many kids go through. But I still wouldn't want my kids to go through it.

and 

(2) It affects the way I feel about pools and how I feel about my daughters going to them. Which is a problem.

Ugh.

Everyone has issues and hang ups that affect how we parent. How do you avoid letting those things get in the way for you?

[ginger]

I'm incredibly high anxiety. I refer to my husband when I realize I'm being unreasonably anxious about things. I try to remind myself that risk is good, but stopping her from doing normal things is bad.

I get crazy about stupid stuff like how high she is pushed on a swing, how high she climbs on a tree, etc. I know, for sure, my husband won't let her do anything too dangerous, so I remove myself from the situation as long as it's reasonable.

There's no easy answer. It takes recognition and practice.

I was also molested sonrisa. No matter how "minor" it was, it's huge to us. It defines our entire life and how we interact with other people. It was my half-brother that molested me, but there only a VERY small number of families I would let her attend sleepovers at this point. I also recognize my limits. If the pool is your limit, but you think it's unreasonable, try going with the whole family. If it were me, I'd probably purposefully absorb myself in a book/online and let my husband watch her like a hawk.

I try to not let my anxiety rub off on my daughter.

So far, it's worked.

((Hugs))

Parenting is hard.

[keyslover]

It's hard. I have to keep reminding myself that they are not me. I do everything in my power to keep them safe, but also let them have their experiences.
Most likely, I will somehow be creating new issues for them

[livinitup]

I think my mother is a success story. She did a good deal of personal work, over many years with AA because she was a child of an alcoholic. I was young, but my mother decided to face her childhood demons by stopping alcohol for herself. Those meetings really gave her the support to sort through her feelings - and was able to be the mother she did not have.

Granted, these resources were not available to my grandmother. But as they developed for my mother, and now me - we all have more resources and support than previous generations.

[cabbagecabbage]

There was molestation in my family (victims only not the molester), in my house. My memories are hazy and I cannot say I wasn't a victim too.

Because of it, I'm vigilant. My child has never had a teen babysitter or anyone other than her grandma, aunt, or close friend watch her. We talk about consent, our bodies being our own, tricky people, never keeping a secret, adults never needing a kid for help, if you're lost find a mom with kid, it's ok to say no and scream. I try SO hard to keep it light and not scary.

A few weeks ago a man we know picked up my daughter under the armpits to pretend to put her in the trashcan as part of a joking banter. She screamed, "No!!! Put me down. I don't like this!" and scared him. I was secretly so proud and congratulated her later.

[sugarbear]

I was molested, too, by an older cousin who I continued to see at family gatherings, for decades. It was only recently that I told him that if he ever so much as looked at my children, I would tell his wife and daughters and anyone else who listened that he is a rapist.** He has since kept his distance but there is a looming family reunion that I'm struggling with.

So to answer your question, I don't know. My kids should get to know their cousins but hell if I'm bringing them to it if he will be there. And for a variety of reasons-- primarily that my brother is the only person in my family who knows all this-- I can't really ask.

Anyway, therapy helped me get over the fear of something similar happening to my kids. Or at least, behaving unreasonably because of that fear. It didn't help me get over my anger and sorrynotsorry, I have no desire or compulsion to forgive.


**Not the recommended course of action, but it is what it is.

[Captain Serious]

I'm honestly not sure we can, but we can try, through therapy and learning or triggers. Have you heard about Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs), and good they can affect a person's outcomes throughout life? www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/acestudy/

Not only do studies show that ACEs can affect a person's mental health and success through life, they are not also finding a link to physical health AND all these outcomes for the person's children as well.

The good news is that many policies and practicing
practitioners are now building new ways to address people with high ACE scores to address some of these issues directly.

[Captain Serious]

Personally, I'm not very good at letting my own triggers in check, but I keep trying, and sliding when I see I've talked a my issues are making my kids' lives difficult.

For my kids, who both have incredibly high ACE scores, we do lots of therapy, talk issues out, talk about how to acknowledge and then handle things when they are hard, and open up to health providers. I think one of the biggest keys is to irradiate shame and address issues openly and head-on. A common saying in our house is, "we all have issues/"stuff," it's just different for each of us." And then we all do our best to help, support, and make allowances as necessary for anyone​who is struggling.

[katb]

I struggle with this and fear I have passed some anxiety to my on children - the worst is they don't know why. My oldest knows some of the struggles I have had - I was never molested but do have anxiety about males because of a situation with 2 of my mom's boyfriends (one put a penis in my face and the other had a friend propostion me and isolate me when I was 13 years old). The others are just life experiences - I had a friend in college date raped, another friend in college robbed by gun point, and my own life I have struggled with not being taken care of the way that I realize a teenager should have been. I have had a few dangerous (life ending to me - but maybe not to others) situations as well.

The one thing I try to do is to be aware. The adults in my life growing up were either not aware or never showed me they were aware. Even if I can't control things, I am present in my kids life. I have two in therapy at different times for different things. I try to be open to help - that is the hardest thing. Growing up, asking for help was weak. I need to change that for my kids.

I think it helps we love them as much as we fear what can happen. That is what keeps me going at times.