Money diary: Another separate finances

[andwhat]

Background: 2 adults, 1 kid. Recently bought a single family home and own a condo we rent out. HCOL

We have always had separate finances and I don't see that changing. We do have a combined CC but we each pay what we spent. H has a balance, I do not (yes I know this affects both of us). We each pay certain bills and split mortgage. We also have a joint savings account which I control. We do not budget, but we really need to be. Our finances are not by MM standards at all, so I am not posting them. We make about 200K a year.

I bring my breakfast and lunch to work most days and eat dinner at home.

April 10. I am off on Mondays. This is usually the day I am home alone and can get a bunch of stuff done. This Monday DD is home sick, so all of that is thrown off. Didn't get to go grocery shopping. Later when she is feeling better we go visit my mom and go to the park. 

Total: $0

April 11. Work. I have to be in early most days this week which means I have to be at work by 530am. Yawn. I resist the temptation to get the best spring rolls in DC with co-workers. I go to the gym after work at the work gym. It is so beautiful this week I decide to take an hour walk. Lots of hills. Finally can make it to the grocery store. $104.74. Still forget something I need. Get DD from daycare around 4pm. Get gas on the way home $36.31. My Hulu payment for the month is withdrawn $7.99.

Total: $149.04

April 12. Early to work again. Same routine. Beautiful again so I take another walk. DD didn't go to daycare today and was with my mom. Get her and go to the park. I realize that DD really needs some warm weather clothes. What have I been doing? Online order at Carter's $87.98

Total: $87.98

April 13. Get to go to work regular time, 6am. Still Yawn. Same routine. Bring breakfast and lunch. Go for another walk. Get DD and go home for dinner, playing, a little clean-up, and then bedtime.

Total: $0

April 14. Another early day for work. Bring all meals. Go for a walk. Daycare is closed for Good Friday, so DD was with my mom. Get her and go home. Pay $20 to PayPal for cute shirts I bought for me and DD from a friend.

Total: $20

April 15. I wor$ on Saturdays and have to be in by 530am. I bring breakfast and a snack. My co-worker comes in early so I can go and meet H and DD at the church Easter egg roll. Instead of going straight there I have to go home because H forgot DD's jacket and it is chilly. Ugh. On the way there I get a call from H that DD is starving and they aren't ready to serve lunch. Can I pick her up something. Why didn't he pack snacks. Another Ugh. Run to Safeway and get her something to eat. $4.98. Have a great time at the Easter egg roll. 

Hit up Target on the way home to get stuff to dye eggs with DD and she and H want to bake cookies. I also stock up on blind bags. We have been bribing DD with them if she sleeps in her bed all night. No shame. A good night sleep is worth the $2-3 a night. Right now anyway. $55.81

Total: $60.79

April 16. Easter. Go to church with the family. On the way there H and I realize that we both forgot water. We always have water with us and we are both thirsty. Stop at BP and get 2 bottles of water. $3.37 I give $100 offering to the church. This is what I give every time I go. Usually weekly. It is not the official tithe, but it is what I give. We go to breakfast at IHOP with H's parents, sister, and nephew but H pays. I have no idea what the total was. We go home and I am exhausted from the week of early starts at work and being awake for about 20 hours Saturday. I collapse on the couch and take a nap. H and DD are outside while he does some yard work. Later we go to my Easter dinner at my families. 

Total: $103.37

Weekly Total: $421.18

Given my monthly CC bill, I would say this is pretty typical of what I spend. Maybe a little less than normal. I usually spend more on groceries during the week. Like I went yesterday and spent $205, that is more typical. My weeks are extremely boring and exhausting. I really try to not eat out during the week. Most of my bills are on auto-pay, but they don't come out during the week I documented. We are adjusting to our new mortgage and those associated expenses. Typically H spends WAAAY more money than I do. Part of the reason we have separate finances.

[insominac]

Yay for another separate finances post! What are blind bags?
I hate it when I forget stuff at the store too. Lol

[andwhat]

Apr 19, 2017 10:43:04 GMT -5 insominac said:

Yay for another separate finances post! What are blind bags?
I hate it when I forget stuff at the store too. Lol

LOL. Blind bags are toys that my DD found out about watching YouTube kids. They are character based (My Little Pony, Care Bears, Disney movies/shows etc) and they come in a series. You do not know what character is inside until you open it. Hence blind. They are the only thing that has worked to keep her in her bed at night. I tried ice cream, a sticker chart, and something else. This works. H and I have decided that $2-3/day is worth it for a decent night sleep. We will start to increase the number of days for a bag soon. But until then... I am trying to find where I can buy them in bulk.

[kadams767]

I am fascinated by couples who can make separate finances work. Do you and your husband have substantially similar incomes? Did something in particular trigger (for lack of a better word) your desire to keep finances separate or was it just kind of KOKO of what you did before you get together?

[kicks]

Apr 19, 2017 10:51:41 GMT -5 kadams767 said:

I am fascinated by couples who can make separate finances work. Do you and your husband have substantially similar incomes? Did something in particular trigger (for lack of a better word) your desire to keep finances separate or was it just kind of KOKO of what you did before you get together?

I have separate finances with my SO. We don't plan to ever get married and plan to keep on with how things are working.
I think I made a conscious decision to keep this separate because I'm certainly not the most MM person but I hated seeing the tiny charges my ExH used to make on our joint card even though we were supposed to have separate fun money. So to save myself aggravation I decided it'd be best to keep separate finances.

Right now we don't make the same amount. Since I'm in residency I make about 60k before taxes and he is a musician who doesn't make the same each month, but he makes 6 figures by the end of the year. So I just give him a set amount each month to go towards some bills since my income never changes. We do now have joint savings as well. We talk about money about once a month to make sure we're both on the same page.

[andwhat]

Apr 19, 2017 10:51:41 GMT -5 kadams767 said:

I am fascinated by couples who can make separate finances work. Do you and your husband have substantially similar incomes? Did something in particular trigger (for lack of a better word) your desire to keep finances separate or was it just kind of KOKO of what you did before you get together?

Right now our incomes are about 50/50. He used to make more. 

We have just always had separate finances. In my family the only people who do not have money issues are those with separate accounts. So we just KOKO. We do have the combined savings, but if you asked him how much money was in it he probably wouldn't know. It would drive me insane to have our finances linked more than they are. I already hate that we have a joint CC, but the benefits are too good. 

[andwhat]

insominac Bulk blind bags I just found on Amazon. I might actually buy them

www.amazon.com/Case-24-Little-Friendship-Magic/dp/B01E95EFAM/ref=sr_1_30?m=A1I6ZGFCHULNWC&s=merchant-items&ie=UTF8&qid=1492617605&sr=1-30&refinements=p_4%3AMy+Little+Pony

[orangeblossom]

I'm happy to see another separate finances post as well.

When I go back to work in the summer, I definitely plan to keep our finances separate.

Finances are one of our biggest issues, though it had less to do with them being separate, and more to do with our different comfort/risk levels. It's can be stressful

[pantsparty]

Apr 19, 2017 10:51:41 GMT -5 kadams767 said:

I am fascinated by couples who can make separate finances work. Do you and your husband have substantially similar incomes? Did something in particular trigger (for lack of a better word) your desire to keep finances separate or was it just kind of KOKO of what you did before you get together?

H and I have separate finances. He used to far outearn me, and we would sit down with the household bills and determine an equitable split. H would pay all of the bills and I would auto-deposit a set amount monthly into our shared checking.

I also paid for groceries, and separately paid for my car (when I still had a loan on it). I pay all of my own credit card bills.

When we are planning on a joint expense or vacation, we usually figure out what we think it will cost and I save up the appropriate amount. When H was making a lot more than me, he paid for A LOT of stuff in our house, like our furniture, backyard project, etc.

I've never combined finances with anyone and it has never seemed like a burden. We've made adjustments as our incomes have changed. Also, I like never having to run a single purchase past my H or really consider him in any way. LOL. I know most people who share finances don't ask "permission" anyway, but I just enjoy the feeling of freedom with my discretionary income.

I also have a totally separate savings account where I have made all the contributions. I like having that security.

[andwhat]

Before we were 50/50 we split based on percentages.

[kadams767]

Thanks for the responses, everyone. I think what these explanations tell me is that I am both super anal retentive and lazy about finances. I like being the one in charge of all of our stuff and being the one responsible for paying all the bills, etc. But I am way too lazy to try and come up with an equitable way to split expenses and have DH transfer money or "pay" me every month for his share.

[IrishBelle]

Apr 19, 2017 10:51:41 GMT -5 kadams767 said:

I am fascinated by couples who can make separate finances work. Do you and your husband have substantially similar incomes? Did something in particular trigger (for lack of a better word) your desire to keep finances separate or was it just kind of KOKO of what you did before you get together?

DH and I have separate finances and I can't imagine having everything joint. Our setup is similar to OP in that we do have a shared CC but we each pay for our own charges and a joint savings account. We also have a joint checking account that we each contribute a portion of our pay checks to for joint expenses - mortgage, taxes, childcare when we had it, etc. I earn more than DH so I contribute more to the joint account.

We started the joint account when we were living together and never changed it once we were married because it works for us. Neither one of us like he idea of completely shared accounts.

[andwhat]

Apr 19, 2017 11:31:07 GMT -5 IrishBelle said:

Apr 19, 2017 10:51:41 GMT -5 kadams767 said:

I am fascinated by couples who can make separate finances work. Do you and your husband have substantially similar incomes? Did something in particular trigger (for lack of a better word) your desire to keep finances separate or was it just kind of KOKO of what you did before you get together?

DH and I have separate finances and I can't imagine having everything joint. Our setup is similar to OP in that we do have a shared CC but we each pay for our own charges and a joint savings account. We also have a joint checking account that we each contribute a portion of our pay checks to for joint expenses - mortgage, taxes, childcare when we had it, etc. I earn more than DH so I contribute more to the joint account.

We started the joint account when we were living together and never changed it once we were married because it works for us. Neither one of us like he idea of completely shared accounts.

We could do it this way, but it would just be another thing that ends up being my responsibility. I want less on my plate not more. 

[starlily]

Apr 19, 2017 10:51:41 GMT -5 kadams767 said:

I am fascinated by couples who can make separate finances work. Do you and your husband have substantially similar incomes? Did something in particular trigger (for lack of a better word) your desire to keep finances separate or was it just kind of KOKO of what you did before you get together?

Our incomes are substantially different; I earn 2x more.

Our decision to maintain separate finances was due to the fact that we both entered into the marriage with property. H owns several rental properties with his mom. I had my condo and an interest in my family home. Especially with regard to H's rentals, it was a better idea to keep things separate. We have a prenup spelling out all the details.

With that said, we have joint financial goals and talk frequently about the state of our respective accounts, what we buy, any changes to our financial approaches, etc. We think of it as technically separate, but joint. Bills are split equitably and we've adjusted for some ups and downs in H's income the past few years.

And thank goodness for our separate finances. When the real estate market crashed, H had to modify his loans, and we would've been so screwed if the bank could've reached my assets, which they couldn't.

[alleinesein]

Apr 19, 2017 10:51:41 GMT -5 kadams767 said:

I am fascinated by couples who can make separate finances work. Do you and your husband have substantially similar incomes? Did something in particular trigger (for lack of a better word) your desire to keep finances separate or was it just kind of KOKO of what you did before you get together?

My Xh wanted to keep finances separate and it was one of the many things that caused problems in our relationship.  He wanted all costs to be split 50/50 even though he made 1.5x-2x more than I did.  I ended up paying for a good portion of all the bills because he would not put $$ into the joint account for bills.  When he lost his job he blew all his unemployment money on random crap instead of helping out with bills (car payment, insurance, co-pays, etc).  If I ever get married again I am not putting up with separate finances; it will be joint or I'm moving on.  It caused too much stress for me and I have no desire to do that again!  I gave it a chance and it bit me in the ass.

[mrsd2006]

DH and I have separate finances also. He makes twice as much as me. He pays all the bills for our two houses and car insurance. I pay the taxes for a piece of property I had prior to marriage and my cell phone bill, and when I had a car payment I pay for that. I pay for almost all the groceries and WalMart type stuff- toilet paper, shampoo, etc.

No joint credit cards, but I am an authorized user on his Amex and sometimes put stuff on there if he forgets his wallet or something. He pays for most of our vacations, I pay for the dog sitter. I used to have a debit card for his checking but last time I lost it, we didn't get another one for me. I have a savings account just in my name, it's my backup plan if the marriage doesn't work out.

[pantsparty]

Apr 20, 2017 2:58:15 GMT -5 alleinesein said:

Apr 19, 2017 10:51:41 GMT -5 kadams767 said:

I am fascinated by couples who can make separate finances work. Do you and your husband have substantially similar incomes? Did something in particular trigger (for lack of a better word) your desire to keep finances separate or was it just kind of KOKO of what you did before you get together?

My Xh wanted to keep finances separate and it was one of the many things that caused problems in our relationship.  He wanted all costs to be split 50/50 even though he made 1.5x-2x more than I did.  I ended up paying for a good portion of all the bills because he would not put $$ into the joint account for bills.  When he lost his job he blew all his unemployment money on random crap instead of helping out with bills (car payment, insurance, co-pays, etc).  If I ever get married again I am not putting up with separate finances; it will be joint or I'm moving on.  It caused too much stress for me and I have no desire to do that again!  I gave it a chance and it bit me in the ass.

Not combining finances isn't inherently distrustful. If anything, H and I talk more about our incomes and joint goals as a result of doing so, and have made adjustments in how we allocate costs our entire relationship. In general I think someone can be a shitty person whether or not finances are combined. But I can definitely see why you'd want to do so in your next relationship, given your experience.

[Deleted]

Apr 20, 2017 10:07:34 GMT -5 pantsparty said:

Apr 20, 2017 2:58:15 GMT -5 alleinesein said:

My Xh wanted to keep finances separate and it was one of the many things that caused problems in our relationship.  He wanted all costs to be split 50/50 even though he made 1.5x-2x more than I did.  I ended up paying for a good portion of all the bills because he would not put $$ into the joint account for bills.  When he lost his job he blew all his unemployment money on random crap instead of helping out with bills (car payment, insurance, co-pays, etc).  If I ever get married again I am not putting up with separate finances; it will be joint or I'm moving on.  It caused too much stress for me and I have no desire to do that again!  I gave it a chance and it bit me in the ass.

Not combining finances isn't inherently distrustful. If anything, H and I talk more about our incomes and joint goals as a result of doing so, and have made adjustments in how we allocate costs our entire relationship. In general I think someone can be a shitty person whether or not finances are combined. But I can definitely see why you'd want to do so in your next relationship, given your experience.

I agree 100%. When I split up with my XH, I was very much in the "I'll never have joint finances again!" camp because it was a disaster. I always felt like he was spending all our money, and it was very stressful that I couldn't control where my paycheck was being spent because it was feeding into a pot that my XH was able to pull from.

But my now H is completely different, and I figured out within a year of sharing a home that separate finances were just an extra hassle for our relationship. Instead of trying to do math all the time and remember who spent how much on what, we just throw everything together and we are mostly in alignment about how money is spent, so it has caused zero issues in the almost 2 years we've been doing this. Admittedly, it does help that he doesn't really EVER buy things and he is very hands-off with our budget, so I can do things basically as I want to and he trusts me to be responsible so we're both happy.

So, I think there is no good answer for every couple or even every individual - it depends a lot on relationship dynamics.

[Deleted]

OP, do you literally mean you share a credit card and carry a balance because your H doesn't pay off his portion every month?

If so, I hope you don't mind my butting in, but I would stop doing that. You are charged interest on the ENTIRE balance if you don't pay it off, so even if you are paying off your entire portion every month, you're being charged interest on it if he's not. I think you'd be better off having 2 separate accounts so that he's the only one getting hit with interest on his purchases.

[Deleted]

Apr 20, 2017 16:07:50 GMT -5 1234FIF! said:

Apr 19, 2017 11:08:25 GMT -5 andwhat said:

Right now our incomes are about 50/50. He used to make more. 

We have just always had separate finances. In my family the only people who do not have money issues are those with separate accounts. So we just KOKO. We do have the combined savings, but if you asked him how much money was in it he probably wouldn't know. It would drive me insane to have our finances linked more than they are. I already hate that we have a joint CC, but the benefits are too good. 

This was how I did it when I was married too. I have never understood how people do merged finances. How do you know that you have enough money to do X if someone else is drawing from the accounts too? We also both had homes when we married so our mortgages were in our names only and he paid all our living expenses (we lived in his house) and I took care of expenses for my house. I also had control over our joint savings and he never had a clue what was in there or even how to access the account despite my telling him several times hahaha. 

PS We also used Mint to keep an idea on the big picture of our spending/finances, we had a joint checking account that he would put money in for me to do stuff like get my hair done or get a mani. It was like a treat Fif account. 

Well, we had nothing when we got married - I was a new grad with no job yet and he was still in grad school. So that simplified that. The two houses thing definitely is a complication we have never had.

We each get a small "allowance" each month. Most of our money is in joint accounts, but we each have a separate individual checking account. A bit from each of my paychecks is deposited in those accounts. That money is free for doing whatever with.

I make up the budget every month, and we talk about what's coming up. So every three months or so, I add a line for what a cut and color costs. We also have a large-ish "miscellaneous" category and we talk about our purchases through the month so we see where we're at with that category. And some of it is using our judgment. I want to get a mani/pedi just for fun that I don't need and that comes out of my fun money. I need to get some maternity clothes because nothing is fitting and that comes out of the joint miscellaneous category. It does take a LOT of communication to do joint finances. But over the last 2 years, we've also developed a system where I am master of the budget - so if he wants to spend more than $20, he asks and even asks if I want him using the debit card or a CC. I AM DRUNK WITH POWER!

It works for us. Personally, I'm the opposite of you - separate finances would stress me out. How would I keep things fair when he makes more than me but my employer-provided health insurance is better? Would I have less fun money because my student loans are higher (even though mine will be paid off sooner than his)? Who pays for his hospital bills? What about daycare for this baby we both made?

But my mom and stepdad have had separate finances for 25+ years, so I get it. Everybody's gotta do what works for them.

[ECB]

kadams767 I'm another "we never shared finances" person. But what I've always said that what matters more is your budget. Having a joint, mutually agreed on budget is MUCH more important than where you keep the $$. Putting all your $$ in one pot eventually doesn't matter if you don't agree on how to spend it.

[Deleted]

Apr 20, 2017 20:35:18 GMT -5 1234FIF! said:

Apr 20, 2017 16:27:56 GMT -5 @angryharpy said:

Well, we had nothing when we got married - I was a new grad with no job yet and he was still in grad school. So that simplified that. The two houses thing definitely is a complication we have never had.

We each get a small "allowance" each month. Most of our money is in joint accounts, but we each have a separate individual checking account. A bit from each of my paychecks is deposited in those accounts. That money is free for doing whatever with.

I make up the budget every month, and we talk about what's coming up. So every three months or so, I add a line for what a cut and color costs. We also have a large-ish "miscellaneous" category and we talk about our purchases through the month so we see where we're at with that category. And some of it is using our judgment. I want to get a mani/pedi just for fun that I don't need and that comes out of my fun money. I need to get some maternity clothes because nothing is fitting and that comes out of the joint miscellaneous category. It does take a LOT of communication to do joint finances. But over the last 2 years, we've also developed a system where I am master of the budget - so if he wants to spend more than $20, he asks and even asks if I want him using the debit card or a CC. I AM DRUNK WITH POWER!

It works for us. Personally, I'm the opposite of you - separate finances would stress me out. How would I keep things fair when he makes more than me but my employer-provided health insurance is better? Would I have less fun money because my student loans are higher (even though mine will be paid off sooner than his)? Who pays for his hospital bills? What about daycare for this baby we both made?

But my mom and stepdad have had separate finances for 25+ years, so I get it. Everybody's gotta do what works for them.

Oh see, I didnt care about "fair." He wanted to provide for us so I said thank you! and skipped off to spend my money. I think the whole time we were married he called and asked me about buying something just once -- a playstation or something like that which was about $600 and I said uh, you work every day (and cheater or not Mr Fif hustled hard, I cannot deny that), if you want it get it. But yeah we didnt have school loans (he used GI Bill and worked and paid as he went, my parents paid my way except about $10k and I paid that off fast) or car notes or anything except those mortgages. Life was sweet!!!

Hey, I wouldn't say no to that deal!

But yeah, our finances would not have worked out like that. He now makes more than me, but my student loans are higher, but I also made more than him for 6 or 7 years of our marriage. Thinking about how we would separate our finances gives me a headache.

[kadams767]

Apr 20, 2017 16:07:50 GMT -5 1234FIF! said:

Apr 19, 2017 11:08:25 GMT -5 andwhat said:

Right now our incomes are about 50/50. He used to make more. 

We have just always had separate finances. In my family the only people who do not have money issues are those with separate accounts. So we just KOKO. We do have the combined savings, but if you asked him how much money was in it he probably wouldn't know. It would drive me insane to have our finances linked more than they are. I already hate that we have a joint CC, but the benefits are too good. 

This was how I did it when I was married too. I have never understood how people do merged finances. How do you know that you have enough money to do X if someone else is drawing from the accounts too? We also both had homes when we married so our mortgages were in our names only and he paid all our living expenses (we lived in his house) and I took care of expenses for my house. I also had control over our joint savings and he never had a clue what was in there or even how to access the account despite my telling him several times hahaha. 

PS We also used Mint to keep an idea on the big picture of our spending/finances, we had a joint checking account that he would put money in for me to do stuff like get my hair done or get a mani. It was like a treat Fif account. 

It works pretty easily for us.  But it probably helps that neither of us are generally impulse buyers, so if either of us are wanting or planning on something that is more than maybe $50, chances are good that the other person has already heard about it.  With your Playstation example, he probably would have talked about it a million times at home about how he wanted the new Playstation, so when it finally came time to pull the trigger, he'd be all "I'm buying my Playstation today."  And by that time, if we couldn't afford it, he would have well known already.  LOL.  So I'm probably never going to open our checking account and find out that the mortgage bounced because DH overspent the account.  Of course, the other part of that is that we both use credit cards for almost all purchases, so it's not as though purchases are coming from our checking account on the regular either - so again, no real chance of the money being gone.  I just pay both of our credit cards once every month.  

The other part for me is our disparate incomes.  Someone upthread mentioned about saving for certain joint things like a trip or something, and I just don't want to deal with that.  Even with paying our expenses proportionately based on income, it would take DH forever to save up for a big vacation, or a new car or whatever.  And I might just not be able to picture it because we've never worked that way, but it seems almost mildly insulting to just use "my" money, because it sort of comes off as "I want to take you on vacation." But joint things like that aren't a gift from me, you know?  

I'm glad people do what works best for them, though and I do appreciate all the explanations.  I've definitely come to the conclusion that we are doing the right thing for us.SaveSave

[kadams767]

Apr 21, 2017 7:39:32 GMT -5 1234FIF! said:

Apr 21, 2017 6:50:18 GMT -5 kadams767 said:

It works pretty easily for us.  But it probably helps that neither of us are generally impulse buyers, so if either of us are wanting or planning on something that is more than maybe $50, chances are good that the other person has already heard about it.  With your Playstation example, he probably would have talked about it a million times at home about how he wanted the new Playstation, so when it finally came time to pull the trigger, he'd be all "I'm buying my Playstation today."  And by that time, if we couldn't afford it, he would have well known already.  LOL.  So I'm probably never going to open our checking account and find out that the mortgage bounced because DH overspent the account.  Of course, the other part of that is that we both use credit cards for almost all purchases, so it's not as though purchases are coming from our checking account on the regular either - so again, no real chance of the money being gone.  I just pay both of our credit cards once every month.  

The other part for me is our disparate incomes.  Someone upthread mentioned about saving for certain joint things like a trip or something, and I just don't want to deal with that.  Even with paying our expenses proportionately based on income, it would take DH forever to save up for a big vacation, or a new car or whatever.  And I might just not be able to picture it because we've never worked that way, but it seems almost mildly insulting to just use "my" money, because it sort of comes off as "I want to take you on vacation." But joint things like that aren't a gift from me, you know?  

I'm glad people do what works best for them, though and I do appreciate all the explanations.  I've definitely come to the conclusion that we are doing the right thing for us.SaveSave

I operated from his money was my money and my money was my money. That's why it all worked. 

I like your style.  (hot)