How does anyone ever get legally separated in NC?!

[marriedfilingjoint]

This is somewhat of a rhetorical question.  Yes, I have a lawyer. Our next appointment is Wednesday.  I'm just extremely frustrated right now.

Our marriage has been in the shitter for years and we decided a few months ago to separate.  So NC has a mandatory one year separation before you can file for divorce.  My husband makes 3 times what I do.  (To make this more fun, we have the same degrees, the same professional license, and began our careers at the same place. Yay for wage gap and putting his career first and leaning out to take care of our child for a year and a half all for his benefit).  Our house is nice, for our area, but otherwise, I live within MY means, and we keep finances fairly separate.  I drive a Hyundai that's almost paid off.  So my only debt is the car ($2500 left) and the house (a lot).  Initially I wanted to keep our house, but then I felt like I would be better off getting something small and low maintenance, especially if I change jobs or go back to school.  Also, he was in no hurry to go anywhere, so things would move faster if I moved out. I looked into renting.  Rental options here are very limited unless you know someone.  It's mostly apartments geared toward the college students who live here, or retirement communities with strict age requirements, or Section 8 housing I wouldn't qualify for, or, just really bad apartments.  Would I suck it up just to get out of here?  Yes, but I have a child, so it's not just about me.  This is going to be hard enough on her, plus I want what is best for her, and STBXH would probably use my living arrangement against me in custody agreement.

So I'm still keeping an eye on rentals, but nothing is changing, and I don't expect it to.  I have been working with a realtor on buying.  I'm looking at very modest properties.  Like, way less than what I can afford.  The bank ran the numbers today, and they even got creative (pay off my car, put a ton of money down, etc.) and there was no way we could make even the cheapest property work until we get me off the existing mortgage.  Plus, if I buy something before we are divorced, STBXH has a legal claim on it since NC is a marital property state.  It seems to me if I have the burden of having to share ownership of the property, I should get the benefit of his income in the debt to income calc.  This is such BS.  I hope the attorney has better answers for me on Wednesday.  I have a friend who is a SAHM right now, and she is going through a divorce.  I'm shocked she's even going through with it knowing what all I know now.  She must have some really good dirt on her husband.  I just don't know how anyone jumps through these hoops of fire because the state has made this all so difficult.  I get that it's the Bible belt and we have some effed up laws, but surely enough state legislators have cheated on their wives and gone through nasty divorces and had to deal with this pain in the ass to want to change the law?

[marriedfilingjoint]

Well, this is awkward. Hi, lurky loos!

[doglove]

No actually there is a legal document you can get your STBXH to sign if you want to buy property that basically states he has no ownership/rights to it. It is a document required at closing. It is a bit of a cluster in NC, if you can put it all in your Separation Agreement and then take the year to work out the kinks, you should be fine.

Also you have to wait a year plus a day before you can file, then he/you has to be served and you can get divorced 30 days later. It's stupid. I've gotten an NC divorce. We did not have a child/children, but we did have property we sold together. We were not married long and it was (mostly) amicable so we agreed to leave with our own debts/property and split the proceeds of the house sale and whatever gifts/things we acquired together based on who wanted what right down to our dogs.

Let me know if you have any other questions, I'd be happy to help in any way I can.

[marriedfilingjoint]

May 19, 2017 14:56:45 GMT -5 doglove said:

No actually there is a legal document you can get your STBXH to sign if you want to buy property that basically states he has no ownership/rights to it. It is a document required at closing. It is a bit of a cluster in NC, if you can put it all in your Separation Agreement and then take the year to work out the kinks, you should be fine.

Thanks!  I wonder if I can use his income to pre-qualify and then sign that document at closing.  I'll be sure to ask my attorney about this on Wednesday.

[CrazyLucky]

My SIL got divorced a few years ago. BIL left the house, but continued they continued to pay the mortgage together until the house was sold.
Which region of NC are you in?

[marriedfilingjoint]

May 19, 2017 15:28:08 GMT -5 CrazyLucky said:

My SIL got divorced a few years ago. BIL left the house, but continued they continued to pay the mortgage together until the house was sold.
Which region of NC are you in?

I'm in the western part of the state, commuting distance to Asheville and Charlotte. 

[dancelnow]

May 19, 2017 15:21:51 GMT -5 marriedfilingjoint said:

May 19, 2017 14:56:45 GMT -5 doglove said:

No actually there is a legal document you can get your STBXH to sign if you want to buy property that basically states he has no ownership/rights to it. It is a document required at closing. It is a bit of a cluster in NC, if you can put it all in your Separation Agreement and then take the year to work out the kinks, you should be fine.

Thanks!  I wonder if I can use his income to pre-qualify and then sign that document at closing.  I'll be sure to ask my attorney about this on Wednesday.

No, it doesn't work that way. Now if you have legal documentation he's going to take the house and he refinances in his name only, that's about the only way it would work.

[flatlan]

I don't have any experience with NC laws, I just want to tell you to hang in there!

[TR]

Hey girl. I got divorced in SC which has the same one year rule. XH and I sold our house during that one year and split the small profit 50/50. We didn't have kids so that was one less thing for me to consider, but I moved out before we put the house on the markret so I paid rent+mortgage for awhile. I finally paid of that cc debt i accrued while doing that. I'm sorry, it's a sucky position to be in on top of the emotional turmoil.

[marriedfilingjoint]

May 20, 2017 9:45:11 GMT -5 TR said:

Hey girl. I got divorced in SC which has the same one year rule. XH and I sold our house during that one year and split the small profit 50/50. We didn't have kids so that was one less thing for me to consider, but I moved out before we put the house on the markret so I paid rent+mortgage for awhile. I finally paid of that cc debt i accrued while doing that. I'm sorry, it's a sucky position to be in on top of the emotional turmoil.

Hey TR!  That blows.  Why do they make this so difficult?  How are you doing now?

[marriedfilingjoint]

May 19, 2017 20:32:36 GMT -5 dancelnow said:

May 19, 2017 15:21:51 GMT -5 marriedfilingjoint said:

Thanks!  I wonder if I can use his income to pre-qualify and then sign that document at closing.  I'll be sure to ask my attorney about this on Wednesday.

No, it doesn't work that way. Now if you have legal documentation he's going to take the house and he refinances in his name only, that's about the only way it would work.

He is going to take the house and refinance in his name only (or buy me out, or do a quit claim).  But right now that's one of the few things we agree on.  So I don't anticipate a final separation agreement coming about anytime soon.

[TR]

May 20, 2017 11:58:34 GMT -5 marriedfilingjoint said:

May 20, 2017 9:45:11 GMT -5 TR said:

Hey girl. I got divorced in SC which has the same one year rule. XH and I sold our house during that one year and split the small profit 50/50. We didn't have kids so that was one less thing for me to consider, but I moved out before we put the house on the markret so I paid rent+mortgage for awhile. I finally paid of that cc debt i accrued while doing that. I'm sorry, it's a sucky position to be in on top of the emotional turmoil.

Hey TR!  That blows.  Why do they make this so difficult?  How are you doing now?

Because Jesus. 

I'm good now! It's been a couple of years. I ended up meetig someone in Charleston and we've moved to Dallas together. Life is crazy and unpredictable, isn't it?

[CrazyLucky]

May 19, 2017 15:36:19 GMT -5 marriedfilingjoint said:

May 19, 2017 15:28:08 GMT -5 CrazyLucky said:

My SIL got divorced a few years ago. BIL left the house, but continued they continued to pay the mortgage together until the house was sold.
Which region of NC are you in?

I'm in the western part of the state, commuting distance to Asheville and Charlotte. 

Well, then, I'm of no use to you.  I'm closer to Raleigh.  I'm sorry for what you're going through.

[Saint Monica]

I'm surprised/wonder about the amount of people that lie/commit fraud to the court about the length of time they have been separated.

[verycontrary247]

May 20, 2017 20:05:58 GMT -5 Saint Monica said:

I'm surprised/wonder about the amount of people that lie/commit fraud to the court about the length of time they have been separated.

I've wondered that too. My exH tried to badger me into lying about how long we'd been separated so he wouldn't have to pay as much in spousal support.

[doglove]

May 20, 2017 20:05:58 GMT -5 Saint Monica said:

I'm surprised/wonder about the amount of people that lie/commit fraud to the court about the length of time they have been separated.

There are some people who do, my ex-H had no problem with this, although I'm an ethical person and did not want to lie so we did it by the books. And really, in NC you basically can lie because it's just your word that you were separated on X date. You can have a formal legal agreement that you sign and have notarized, but it's not required. An ex-H of a friend of mine back dated their separation because he already found a new woman and she was pregnant. It was terrible on my friend, but that was the icing on the cake to lie about when they actually separated. 

[marriedfilingjoint]

May 22, 2017 8:19:12 GMT -5 doglove said:

May 20, 2017 20:05:58 GMT -5 Saint Monica said:

I'm surprised/wonder about the amount of people that lie/commit fraud to the court about the length of time they have been separated.

There are some people who do, my ex-H had no problem with this, although I'm an ethical person and did not want to lie so we did it by the books. And really, in NC you basically can lie because it's just your word that you were separated on X date. You can have a formal legal agreement that you sign and have notarized, but it's not required. An ex-H of a friend of mine back dated their separation because he already found a new woman and she was pregnant. It was terrible on my friend, but that was the icing on the cake to lie about when they actually separated. 

This guy. 

[ladyk]

NC resident here, prior divorce as well.

It's really easy to lie on your papers here. You have to be physically separated for 366 days before you can file, as in, live in separate places. But I know a lot of folks can't afford or find other housing. I'm technically an "officer of the court" so there was no way I was fibbing at all on my papers. Just wasn't worth it. At the 366 day, you can file but then you have to serve your STBX, wait 30 days, then go get put on the docket, which, in my county was 6 weeks later.

What you're looking for is called a "Free Trader" agreement. That allows you to do with your property as you see fit and him, his. I signed one when my XH bought his house before our divorce was final and I had him quit claim my house back to me (with the needed language for him to waive his marital rights as well). I made him sign an official separation agreement a few months into our year because I found out he was about to buy a brand new car and, even though we had everything separate (and no kids), I didn't want any of that liability to find its way back to me if something happened.

I'm sorry you're having such crappy luck with finding a place to live. Hopefully something worth moving to will pop up soon.

*this is not legal advice*

[arch01]

PDQ, will DD.

Good luck. I am also in the process of separating in NC; H just took a demotion due to some legal issues and pushed off listing the house. He originally agreed to 6/1, now it's beyond 7/1. I am trying to get the house sold ASAP because I can't buy anything without the proceeds. We have agreed to split the proceeds 50/50. We sit down Monday to discuss alimony on our own, we are trying to do as much as possible amicably without a lawyer. We have a couple other separation agreements and divorce decrees that we are looking at for guidelines. I have an attorney that I will hire if needed, but fingers crossed the alimony conversation goes well. We've been married almost 11 years and I now make almost double what he does (or will starting 6/1). I am hoping we can agree that alimony I owe would wipe out child support he would owe, at least for the first couple years to allow him to get back on his feet again.

[doglove]

arch01, I'd be careful here trying to do this on your own without a legal separation agreement. Especially if he took a pay cut and is controlling when you sell the house. Why is he "putting off" the date?

[marriedfilingjoint]

arch01,Yikes. It's so scary to feel so trapped. I feel like people just don't get it if they haven't been through it. It sounds like things are at least somewhat amicable with you two. Where in NC are you?

[marriedfilingjoint]

ladyk, thanks, I'll ask about that, as well.

[itsmyparty]

I'm just chiming in to say I hate the ridiculous waiting periods - let alone the physical separation requirements - in many states. Laws clearly passed by people with no empathy or imaginations. I'm lucky my state didn't require physical separation before divorce, because I never would have been able to afford renting/buying something on my own without first selling our house - which eventually my husband bought me out of, which required him refinancing it and me filing a quit claim, which couldn't be done until we were divorced....ugh, connect the dots. Our house was big enough for us to live separately within the house and pretty much stay out of each others' hair, but if I had felt I was at risk and needed to get away from him, I don't know what I would have done.

[marriedfilingjoint]

May 26, 2017 11:45:00 GMT -5 itsmyparty said:

I'm just chiming in to say I hate the ridiculous waiting periods - let alone the physical separation requirements - in many states. Laws clearly passed by people with no empathy or imaginations. I'm lucky my state didn't require physical separation before divorce, because I never would have been able to afford renting/buying something on my own without first selling our house - which eventually my husband bought me out of, which required him refinancing it and me filing a quit claim, which couldn't be done until we were divorced....ugh, connect the dots. Our house was big enough for us to live separately within the house and pretty much stay out of each others' hair, but if I had felt I was at risk and needed to get away from him, I don't know what I would have done.

It's such utter BS.

So the latest is I am stuck here until we have a signed separation agreement, unless I rent.  Guess I better get comfortable.  

[cuadrado]

I got divorced in NC in 2015. Just to give you an idea, I filed for divorce at the beginning of July and it was not finalized until the end of September. That was because of the 30-day waiting period and then waiting to receive a court date. I was in a super small town so I was I received a court date pretty quickly. Just be prepared for that.

My lawyer advised me not to purchase anything until after the divorce was finalized. He said it is just a huge hassle. I also think divorces start out amicable but can turn ugly pretty quickly, and I'd hate to be at the mercy of my ex in a situation like that. Just my two cents.

Once you guys decide who is definitely keeping the house, that person will have to re-finance to get mortgage in his/her name only. If you are both truly agreeable then you should ask your lawyer about getting a formal separation agreement dividing assets and starting that process now.

[arch01]

Sorry to post and run and not come back til quite some time later.

marriedfilingjoint, I am in Charlotte.

doglove, come to find out he had a horrible memory regarding the timeline of selling the house. We are now listing 6/15.

We signed a separation agreement last week and everything looks good. I probably made more concessions than I should have, but in the end I am happy. We went ahead and got it out of the way because it talks about the division of assets, etc.