Helpful People

[freezorburn]

This is going to be part vent, part asking for advice ... and anyone else who wants to vent along these lines, please be my guest.

I'm not usually a participant in vent threads but this has been eating away at me for a few weeks.

Inevitably, it comes up in casual conversation, because of where I am in my life, that I'm at the early stages of engineering a career change of some kind. And on an almost weekly basis, some helpful soul says to me something on the lines of, "have you thought about going out on your own?" or "why don't you go into business for yourself?"

Now, it could be that they are just trying to make conversation. But I find this kind of suggestion to be rather thoughtless. And it's gotten to the point where I find it annoying. (Especially when it comes from a civil engineer, also a single mom like myself, who has just finished telling me why she doesn't go out on her own). Perhaps the problem lies with me, and not with the well-intentioned suggestion.

(My reason for thinking about a career change is not that I can't find a job in my field (landscape architecture) but that perhaps I don't love it enough to try to raise my son and prepare for retirement off of the practically non-profit scale wages that it pays)

In short, I don't see an upside to being an entrepreneur, at least not in my case. I've worked for entrepeneurs. It's hard -- doing all the business development, bookkeeping, admin, not to mention the work itself. And maintaining the project load one would need in order to run a business. Mad respect for people who can do it. And the people I know who have done it successfully had way more experience under their belts when they started their own businesses, than I currently have .... I still need to work under someone else for one more year before I even have my license. And I don't see myself being able to compete for projects against people who have way more experience than I have. Plus, would there be any time or energy left for my son? 

Why do people think entrepreneurship is somehow easier or more lucrative than working for a company? Certainly I believe there are situations where it makes sense and it's the right decision. 

So I typically respond to these comments by telling people why I don't think it would work. All the reasons listed above. But I wonder if there is a better response, maybe something that doesn't make me sound like a Negative Nelly. Any ideas? How do you respond to well-meaning, but unhelpful advice?

[akafred]

How about something like "I've considered it" or "maybe one day". Or just "maybe when my son is older and doesn't need so much of my time." Short but direct, basically.

[frozenpeas]

Sometimes I think people who say things like this are just saying them, maybe to check a box or something. I think with most of them you're safe to respond as akafred suggested and move on. They'll be satisfied because they had their say and will feel like they came up with some genius new idea that will change your life. You can get away without provided a well thought out, detailed response. I think that's as close to a win-win as you can get when people butt in where they shouldn't.

[billie]

"Well, being an entrepreneur is not for everyone. It's certainly not for me right now"

BTW my husband is an entrepreneur and I wouldn't recommend it to anyone unless it is truly your passion and calling in life. Also your spouse needs to be 1000% on board.

[2chatter]

I would say whatever was in my head - which for me in your case would be - "as a single parent I really need the stability and benefits I gain from a corporate role".

A number of people recommended I go back to consulting when I got divorced. They simply could not comprehend that I couldn't hustle to find more work while doing work and needed continuous insurance and more
Mental space than consulting afforded me.

[judyblume14]

I'm guilty of this. I work a regular old non-creative desk job. My profressional life will always be in am office, behind a desk, probably on the phone.

I don't have the option to go into business for myself, but it seems pretty cool.

I've said a million times to friend like you "oh, do you think you'll go into business for yourself one day?"

The logistics behind self-employment never pop into my head when I say this.

It's likely that the people making these comments to you aren't weighing the pros and cons. Aren't thinking about insurance, retirement, tuition, etc. They're just making small talk.

[mommyatty]

I get this sometimes since I'm a lawyer. I just laugh and say "I don't have the intestinal fortitude to be an entrepreneur."

But honestly, I keep trying to convince my BFF and my Hubs to start a company together. Both have a working spouse with benefits and are SAH parents now. So for them, why not? But for me as the breadwinner? No thanks!

[librarychica]

I got this suggestion a lot too, actually, when I was looking to make a change. I really wanted to be part time, my employer was not keen on the idea and many people were like "just consult part time and work when you want!" Like it was a simple thing.

The kicker is my H is an entrepreneur so I had seen the hustle, the millionty hours andplusalso we wanted my health benefits. But explaining any of this got people offering suggestions (I know someone who blah blah blah gets health insurance through a magical cherry tree whatever). So I found a short, general response was best. "I've thought about it and entrepreneurship is not my thing."

[l504]

DH went out on his own, made it work for a few years, but is now working for someone else again. It had its highs and lows. We didn't take out loans, but he also didn't pay himself for 2 years. I think the flexibility of being your own boss is appealing to a lot of people, but to know what goes on behind the scenes is just as important. In the beginning, you're everything from the admin to the boss, you're taking phone calls after your standard 8-5, and the flexibility we were wanting... well, he just worked it from his home office, but worked the same if not more hours. I think going on your own, in any industry, is an awesome opportunity, but I also do not think it's as cookie cutter as people like to make it appear in hallway conversations.

[erinshelley21]

Being self employed is not all rainbows and sunshine. I'm actually planning on leaving the self employed life to go work somewhere where I'm not the boss in the next year.

Yes it provides amazing flexibility and it's really nice not having to worry about running out of vacation or sick time but it comes at a price. For me that price has been not being able to leave work at work. Because it is my business I take everything personally.

I'm sure this time next year I'll be having to come up with similar responses. I can already think of a few people who are going to try to talk me out of leaving the business owner life behind because they just don't know what it is like.

[saraml13]

I hear you on "helpful" people. I got laid off and am looking for a new job. I get tons of "helpful" advice, ranging from insultingly obvious ("Have you looked on LinkedIn?" "You should make sure you have a good resume") to just plain insulting ("It's a blessing is disguise because now you can spend more time with your kids" and "Are you really looking?" and "You should just be a SAHM for awhile").

I've found that it's best to engage as little as possible. If I start explaining why I'm not interested in Company X or the considerations for why I don't want to SAH, people take it as an invitation to discuss further and give you even more advice or ask even more probing questions. Instead, I usually give a non-committmal response ("hmmm, maybe", "I'll look into that", "I don't think that's quite right for me right now") and then change the subject as quickly as possible.

Doesn't always work with nosey people, though. Exhibit A, DH's aunt who I saw at a family party last night. She kept on wanting to talk about my job search and didn't get the hint the first 3 times I tried to change the conversation. She hit Bingo with all the annoying questions/comments. How's my job search going? Am I actually looking for a job or just pretending? Wouldn't I prefer to be a SAHM? It's a blessing that I get to spend more time with my kids. So what have I been doing for my job search lately? What companies am I looking at? Why is it turning out to be so hard for me to find a job? Why am I being so vague about my job search? Is it a secret?
I finally ended up telling her I was tired of talking about my job search and she shut up.

[callmekd]

like everyone else said, it's partially people making conversation, partially people not thinking before they speak.

kind of like all of the ridiculous comments we get because we have a 4 year and infant twins. "oh wow, you must be busy."

[mlee116]

I used to get this a lot. I think people just like to make conversation and only thinking of the positives. Plus, it's not them making the decision!

I worked for a CPA for several years who had planned to retire and offered to let me continue her business. I chose not to do that (though I really appreciated the offer, of course) and go work for a larger company. People thought I was crazy, but since I worked directly with her every day, I saw what goes into owning your own firm. I saw the clients that don't pay, the crazy hours, the last minute emergencies, etc.

I just keep it simple and say "At this point in my life, I'm not interested."

[greenmonkey1]

I agree with everyone's suggestion to keep your answer simple and then change the topic.

People, in my opinion, are just trying to say something because they want to make conversation. I struggled with hyperemesis requiring medication during all three of my pregnancies. People would ask if I tried mints, or ginger, or seabands, or a million other commonly known OTC nausea relief. In my head I'd be thinking, "mints, now why didn't I think of that before I started taking prescription meds with potential side effects?" People just don't think and are trying to be nice. I would just nod my head and change the subject.

Good luck with the career change. I've changed careers before and am now changing to being a SAHM. It's a challenge. Feel free to PM me if you want to chat about career changes. And I totally understand not wanting to be an entrepreneur. My DH owns his own business and there are a lot of moving parts people do not realize he manages. They just see the convenience of being your own boss.