Having a HARD time

[doctoranda]

I usually don't post here anymore and I considered posting this on the well being board but it seemed more comfortable here. I am having such a hard time after moving back (after 7 years in the Netherlands where I am originally from) to the U.S. It is not the culture shock but we did it a bit on a whim because there was a job opportunity for DH that he really wanted. We HAD such a nice life: both teaching at a university, I was a chair of a political party as well and did a lot of volunteer work, we had plenty of money and traveled whenever we had free time. We were blessed with nice neighbors and our friends relatively close by. We have been here for 10 months and I have been trying really hard but it just doesn't work. I am in the middle of getting residency, I don't have a job (not allowed to work here and it is HURTING my career so much), I am trying to get back into politics but there is such a disconnect, our marriage is not doing well, I can't volunteer because of not having residency and they can't perform a background check, making friends is hard, neighbors are stand-offish. I HATE it so much and the only thing that I can think about is what I left behind. Luckily I am working on some interesting research which gets me through the day and my cousin lives close by and there is a Dutch club. I know I shouldn't complain because I am healthy and DH has a nice job. When I try to talk to people about it they always tell me stuff like: you should volunteer, or you should do XYZ. For some reason that kind of advice makes me feel I am just not trying hard enough and it frankly makes it even worse. But most people don't even recognize that I am doing so poorly. They never ask me how I am doing or how it is for me. It is almost as if I don't exist as a person anymore. I notice even my body feels different now: I get tired quickly, I have lots of muscle aches, and I am getting really fat (I exercise almost every day though the one thing that stayed the same). I don't wear make up anymore, I don't color my hair anymore, I hardly shop anymore. I feel I need a life line or some little bit of success in some way that would make things worth fighting for. 

[rupertpenny]

I'm sorry, that all does sound very difficult. My H and I made the wrong move once, and it was so hard. We left within two years. But we weren't leaving a great life, didn't have a great new job, and were on the same page. It was also a domestic move. So overall I don't really have much advice, we basically ran away from the problem.

I would encourage you to see a doctor because it sounds like you might be clinically depressed. If you are getting treatment won't magically fix everything of course, but it could help you make decisions with a clear head.

[dorothyinAus]

I am so sorry you are having trouble. I had a very hard time at first when I moved. And to be honest, "at first" lasted about 5 years. It's only in the past year or so that I have started getting out and doing things. It's hard when you are prevented from doing so much of what others do to be involved. And I know how it feels to be told "you should just..." when those opportunities are simply not available for whatever reason.

It is hard. And it's hard to interact with people who do not understand how hard it is or how much you are trying, and everywhere you turn there is nothing but built-in failure.

I wish I had advice, I wish I could tell you there is a magic pill and suddenly everything is perfect. In addition to talking to a doctor, I would encourage you to talk to your husband. Make sure communication is there, even if it's not "good" communication. You both need to know what's going on with the other.

[mrsukyankee]

It's hard to be a place where you feel you don't fit and can't find your place. And after a while, it does lead to depression. When you get depressed, it means you start doing less, which leads to more depression. The only way out of depression is to actually "do" - which is hard. I would suggest you find a CBT therapist to talk to who can help you get through this. If you can't find someone to talk to, I can suggest the book, "Overcoming Depression" by Paul Gilbert.

[doctoranda]

dorothyinAus it helps to know others have gone through similar stuff.

mrsukyankee I will go do stuff (after spending the whole day binge watching TV yesterday). Thank you for the advice! What does CBT stand for?

[mrsukyankee]

doctoranda, cognitive behavioural therapy

[cattledogkisses]

I can sympathize with how hard it is to go from working to being unemployed, even when it was a choice. I initially looked for work when we moved here last year, but eventually gave up. I loved what I did before, and really miss it, and have a hard time sometimes with the fact that I'm a SAHW who gets coffee, goes to the beach, and does yoga. I didn't realize how much of my identity was tied up in my work.

Unfortunately I don't have any amazing advice, just commiseration. I hope an opportunity arises for you soon.

[Shreddingbetty]

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. I can imagine it would be tough to go from loving your job and working full time to not even having the option of working until you get your greencard. I'm surprised though that you can't even volunteer because you don't have a greencard! That's crazy. How much longer until you're done with that whole process? I would think it would be quicker since you've been married for awhile but I guess I don't know. I went through it several years before 9/11 and I think they're a lot slower these days. Or is your DH on a work visa? I can't remember if he's Dutch or not.
I guess I would second counseling. Anti depressants may be helpful but I have a feeling counseling would be better since your depression appears to be very much situational. There is definitely a time and a place for anti depressants but it isn't going to fix the underlying situation. I would probably start with counseling and see how that goes. How's your DH doing being here? Is he having a hard time too or is he really content with how his job etc is? I'm sure that would make it harder too if he is very content and you're not and I can see that that would put a lot of strain on your marriage.
I had never envisioned myself going to counseling but I have been going since October to deal with the situation at home and it has been very helpful. I really like my counselor a lot, as a practical Dutch person I'm not really into a lot of the touchy-feely stuff and cumbaya stuff as I call it but he is great and respects that and takes a more practical approach with me that is still very helpful. He is doing CBT without some of the fluff
I wish I lived closer, I'm 1.5 hours South of you so not too far but not exactly next door either. Have you checked to see if there are any meetup groups of interest near you? They have a ton of them there and that might be a good way to meet other people as well with the same interests and to get out. It's definitely harder to make friends as adults and I imagine that it's tougher even for you since you can't work. I didn't really start making more good friends until I had my kid and even then more so when she started school at 4. And the weird thing is....after 27 years here the majority of my close friends are foreigners. I think on a certain level they're still easier to relate to. The neighbor thing is too bad as well. I know some of my friends are really close to their neighbors. I sort of know my neighbors but that's it. Most people in our street don't really associate with their neighbors or even know each other. I know that very neighbor hood dependent.
I'd still love to get together with you sometime if you're interested, here, there or in the middle somewhere .
I hope things will get better for you and that your greencard will come through in the near future. Hang in there!

[brainie]

(hugs) I don't have better advice that the other ladies, but I'm thinking of you.

[mrsukyankee]

Quick question, doctoranda - are there running clubs or any other sort of sports team you could join? I work on my own and only part-time at this point and, so, I don't meet any adults I can hangout with. I currently play softball in the spring and summer, and field hockey in the autumn & winter - so I have something to do with other people at least once a week. And then we sometimes socialise outside of those dates/times. But even if it's only getting out of the house once a week, it's so much better for me.

[GilliC]

Another upvote for talking to a counselor. I'd try looking into online counseling with someone who has experience with expat situations. I have a good friend who used her time as a trailing spouse in China to get a degree and start a private counseling practice for the local expat population, and she was telling me that so many people have similar experiences. The topic came up because I was complaining about the counselor I saw during a bad spell in Beijing, and she agreed that he was awful and told me she'd ended up with a lot of his clients who's left.

So to expand on that, if you do meet with someone and you hate it, think about what you don't like, and try again. Having spent some time on the Starting Over board, the common consensus is that it's important to find a good fit, and don't give up entirely if the first person you see is a bad fit.

[mrsukyankee]

Jun 26, 2017 7:28:25 GMT -5 GilliC said:

So to expand on that, if you do meet with someone and you hate it, think about what you don't like, and try again. Having spent some time on the Starting Over board, the common consensus is that it's important to find a good fit, and don't give up entirely if the first person you see is a bad fit.

Yes, yes and yes.  I actually tell people that during my first counselling meeting. If they don't feel I'm a good fit, then I am happy to refer them onward. 

[pittpurple]

I'm so sorry it's so difficult. I know it's really hard to break into friendship groups as an adult, but if you're on your own a lot that must be so much more difficult. I'd also suggest looking at meetup.com and seeing if anything jumps out at you, I know a friend had a lovely time joining a walking group when she moved. But if your career is really taking that sort of hit for the benefit of your husband's, that's something you should definitely consider talking through again. It sounds like he really wanted to move and is getting a lot of satisfaction out of it but if you aren't, that's not sustainable.

[doctoranda]

Thank you everyone for listening/making me feel heard! Shreddingbetty my husband loves it here. He keeps talking about his job which is hard. Initially his uni was going to get me papers and a job but they dropped us like a dead weight and so I rather not listen to stories about his work. mrsukyankee there are some running clubs and I also signed up with gociety to meet people to go hiking and biking etc with. I go to farmer's markets and chat with people there. We have friends over almost every week but the friendships are not all that close. It would be nice to have a close friend here. BUT one of my close friends has been through it as well and we skype. Bless his heart.

I will definitely seek counseling. I feel just talking about it makes it so much better already.

Shreddingbetty - we should totally meet up (I'll promise not to talk about depressing stuff ;-)). Are you south of us?

[mrsukyankee]

doctoranda, it takes a LONG while to make good friends. I would say that other than my H, it took me at least a year or two to really make some close friends. And even some of those I don't see very often or they've left the country. It is hard. Keep trying! It'll come.

[Shreddingbetty]

doctoranda, I'm in state fair country
I will send you a PM

[dulcemariamar]

(((Hugs)) reading your post brought back so many memories of when I had PPD. I just felt bad and everything just seemed so hard. I was angry that I felt like I was pushed into the deep end of a pool and nobody tried to help me.

Getting help from CBT was really a major thing in getting me back on track.

About the same time I got PPD, we also did an international move. The first two years were rough. Even if I didnt have PPD, it would have been hard on me. Like mrsukyankee, it took a while to make new friends and then some ended up moving away anyway so that sucks.

But just putting myself out there and going to social events through meetup really lifted my moods. I iam not big on exercise but I walk everywhere so getting physical activity helps. Also making plans with friends or just my DH was also very useful.

[doctoranda]

Thanks everyone!!!!

[loira]

I'm sorry. I can really commiserate with the whole "maybe this move was a bad idea/green card woes". I'm assuming your H is American, which is why you are going the green card route? I've often thought (bitterly) that it might have been so much easier if my H was an international sponsored by his university instead of a US citizen. We never intended to live long term in the US, and having permanent residency isn't as useful for me as having a temporary visa.

In our case, I think we've decided it's not for us. My H is happy (with his job), but I am not happy, and I'm sick of living separately, solo parenting and putting my career on the back burner. I never wanted to live in the US in the first place, and I might have been able to get over this if we could live together or if we had any sort of stability. But right now we're still in the immigration process and my H's contract only got renewed for another year. It helped that we gave ourselves a timeline to see if he got a longer contract before reevaluating. I knew that things would hinge on that, and stopped worrying about everything and driving myself crazy forming endless backup plans.

Would something like that help you? Would your H be on board if you said "we'll give this X amount of time and if things have not improved we'll move back/come up with an alternative"?

I ditto pps in getting out and trying new things. It's hard, though, I know.

[doctoranda]

loira whenever we move we usually assume it is only for a few years - which is usually comforting. It is funny though because I told DH this weekend "if we somehow make this work and I end up with papers and a nice job I don't think we should move again." Just all that moving and insecurity/instability all of a sudden got to me whereas I am the true wanderer in this relationship. We also do have some alternative plans for when things really don't come together.

Putting my career on the back burner actually really put it in jeopardy and it might be what frightens me the most. If I had no ambitions in academia I might be in a better place right now emotionally even though I would still be waiting on my papers. The actual combinations of waiting on papers and not working is just too much.

loira I hope things will look up for you soon and you'll be able to be happy,

I keep telling myself "some day this will seem so insignificant." Actually when I think about international politics and the unsafe situation that some people live in it already seems insignificant.

Thanks everyone for listening and sharing your stories with me. It helps a great deal.

[doctoranda]

You guys are so AWESOME. Thanks for reaching out, I really appreciate it!