Has anyone helped an older person downsize?

[cabbagecabbage]

DH's grandmother is a recent widow and now feels ready to sell her stair filled home and find an apartment or condo. She is sharp but uneducated and relied on her husband for financial decisions. DH and I have offered to help her and meet with realtors with her or whatever she needs.

We are very lucky that she's in a good spot financially and can afford to maintain a decent lifestyle. She's also pretty capable and wants to get settled before she absolutely needs to be rid of the house. Ugh, it's so full of junk. It's going to be a huge project.

If you've done this with a parent/grandparent, I'd appreciate any tips or thoughts or stories.

[W.T.Faulkner]

The fact that she wants to downsize is an excellent benefit. So often it's difficult to do because the elderly person isn't ready yet.

As for going through the house, I suggest one room at a time. If she's ok with this, perhaps you can see who in the family can take larger items of hers - a dining room set, a china cabinet, etc., so she doesn't have to sell or give away. My grandmom felt better knowing that her prized possessions that wouldn't fit in the new house were with her children or grandchildren and not just at a thrift shop or something.

[verycontrary247]

I 100% agree with PPs suggestion.

My parents recently helped my grandma majorly downsize- something they did in each room was ask her to go through and pick out things that she really loved and wanted to keep before they started really digging through stuff so she had the peace of mind none of that would accidentally get thrown out/donated.

[mrs.jacinthe]

I'm glad she is wanting to make this change. My 74-year-old mother (with a hip replacement and broken elbow from - surprise - falling) is still resistant to leaving her two-story with a basement. It's terrifying to me.

As a realtor, we get this a lot. What I recommend is that you first go over her financials. If she can afford to buy first (even if she needs a bridge loan to do it), then move her stuff-to-keep, then purge the rest, it generally goes a LOT less stressfully. She can take what she absolutely loves and wants to keep, give whatever she wants to go to family members to them, then the rest of the stuff could be taken care of by an estate sale person, with a donation to the charity shop of her choice for whatever is left. Then, the home can be cleaned up and staged to sell.

[BicycleBride]

When we did this with my grandmother, it was easier for her to put some items in to storage rather than give them to family or sell them. A couple years after she had gotten settled (she moved in with my parents) she was ready to part with them. I think it was just too much change to deal with all at once. And like others have said, we just went room by room a couple hours a day.

[lilibet]

I agree with doing it one room at a time. Have her decide what she wants to move with her and then start with anything she knows she wants to give to certain people.

Once you get those things cleared out an alternative to an estate sale or a big garage sale might be an auction. My grandma's town has a weekly auction so when she moved they contacted someone from the auction company and they sent someone out to go through things and they took anything they thought would sell. They kept a percentage and my grandma got the rest of the money. It's a bit invasive to have someone come into the house so I'd really make sure she was ok with it but it's a quicker and easier way to get a big chunk out. My grandparents had also had some historic type items that my mom thought might do better in an antique shop vs the auction, so they contacted a local shop who also sent someone out for the same process.

I'd just recommend doing it slowly while staying consistent, if that makes sense. Don't make her feel like she has to be totally done in a weekend but don't drag it out for months. My grandma was anxious to move but it was still overwhelming to go through her whole house/life like that. I think in total it was probably two months of going through everything (big house, lots of things) which felt like the right timeline for her.

[mich1]

My MIL just did this. What helped her most was hat she bought a condo before starting to downsize, so she knew exactly how much room she had. She went from a 2800 sq ft house to a 900 sq ft condo.

She was really ruthless, because she simply did not have a lot of room. She kept a queen sized bed, small dresser and her kitchen table became a dining room table. She kept a small occasional chair and table, but bought everything else new, including electronics.

Fortunately, she has 5 kids and 4 grandkids just moving out on their own, so her stuff got passed around. Still, she did give some stuff to Goodwill and sell on Craigslist. It was not a fast process.

[LanaLang]

A professional organizer would be great in this situation if you can spare the cash. A good one will be very skilled at compassionately helping her sort through everything and refer to the appropriate resources (estate sale folks, craigslist, goodwill, etc) for those things she chooses to part with.

[meganew]

I literally just did this last month. We helped sell my grandmother's house and then had 3 weeks to get everything out- I'm not going to lie, it was crazy. The absolute best thing we did was get a dumpster for the last week- that thing was worth every penny. It was so freeing to just toss things.

What we did was start in the basement and split things into piles- donate, toss, and family. My grandmother set all the "family" stuff up in the garage and over the 3 weeks we had aunts and cousins and in laws and whoever stopping by to look at it all- surprisingly a decent amount of stuff left this way! Then whatever was left we set up as a yard sale and made almost $300. Then what was left we put out for free, then threw the rest.

My grandmother doesn't throw anything out if it can be salvaged (the end of depression poor- paid in cabbages type of childhood she had doesn't lend itself to frivolous spending. Or any spending.) so it made her feel better that a lot of her things were going to good use.

[ssmjlm]

When we did this with my grandparents they found a place in an independent care and moved into their apartment there before selling the house. This way they took what they truly wanted and left everything else at the house. Then the kids and grandkids handled the house.

[miniroller]

You've received some great advice from pp's. And I'm very (Internet-stranger) proud of you & Mr. Cabbage for taking the initiative on this talk!
I just wanted to add we have two charities in our town that come to take furniture/ items that aren't going elsewhere/ aren't "valuable" enough to auction/ etc. I received the info from a helpful neighbor, who volunteers; however, I asked how others find out about such services, she said web research or nursing homes. They make sure nursing homes have all their info, so definitely consider contacting a local home or two to see if your community has something similar. They did the final "clear out" that was so helpful! And a tax write off!

[macmars45]

Good luck with the whole process cabbagecabbage.

I wish my 88 year old grandma would move out of her 2 story house with a basement! My entire family would be extremely glad to help her do so. I'm pretty sure she won't move until she dies. Ugh, my parents live next door (and have for 17 years). They want to move & downsize, but want to remain close to my grandma so they're in a holding pattern for now. Each house is on an acre so it's a lot to care for besides just the house.

[halfpint]

We did it with my grandfather - we were lucky that we had lots of his own kids and grandkids to help, though - so it was a lot of carrying stuff out of the house, hiring a dumpster, deciding what was precious, taking pictures of "treasures" for immediate family to decide if they wanted it. We ultimately had an auction house come in - once stuff that was trash (some basement and attic stored items had gotten mildewed or were just not worth anything, there were some older non-working appliances in the garage) had been dealt with, and family treasures claimed, the guy came in and just did a sweep, took everything to auction, and then Grandpa got a check for the proceeds minus the auction house commission.

We also ended up selling the house through auction, but it was kid of a unique situation - very old house in a town that has decayed significantly over the decades (as in they wrote a book about how meth has taken over). It was never going to sell in a traditional real estate scenario.

He went from a 5 bedroom house where he'd lived for 50+ years to a one bedroom senior living apartment.

[cabbagecabbage]

Thank you, all. This is all fresh as grandma has been waffling between staying or moving cross country to be with her daughter/DH's mom. There are layers of interpersonal conflict as DH's mom didn't raise him, grandma did. Now my MIL thinks she getting the house and grandma is terrified she'll "make" her move in to keep the house from selling. I wouldn't put it past MIL to frame everything as charitable and loving while masterminding everything to swing in her financial favor. It's gross and complex and probably like many other family dramas.

Grandma has been purging since grandpa died this winter. I've taken two loads to the food pantry. I know she's delivered boxes of clothing to a veterans hospital. She wants to do this work alone so far. It's her meditation on death I think. It gives her purpose and structure that she needs.

But it will take a lot more work to turn a full house with dining set and walls and shelves filled three deep with collections.

Her house needs updates but it's a great Chicago bungalow in a good school district so I think it can sell as is or close to it.

She is scared. Oh, this is heart wrenching.

[cleo29]

cabbagecabbage, ANy money she makes from the sale of the house should stay hers for living expenses and emergencies and then, when she passes, she set to leave whatever is left to whomever she chooses. I hope she is able to do this with little interference from her daughter. That is shameful.

[cabbagecabbage]

Jun 27, 2017 8:53:22 GMT -5 cleo29 said:

cabbagecabbage, ANy money she makes from the sale of the house should stay hers for living expenses and emergencies and then, when she passes, she set to leave whatever is left to whomever she chooses. I hope she is able to do this with little interference from her daughter. That is shameful.

It is. Luckily DH and his brother would step in if grandma feels intimidated. They defer to their mom a lot but she doesn't realize they do it for grandma's sake, not hers. Grandma is the one who wishes for the good relationship so they put up with mom. My only worry is grandma might change her mind to make her daughter happy. But we are local and MIL isn't. I think she approached us for her own accountability. We have all been told that in the will, the house is split between MIL and the kids equally. MIL has already mentioned how she'd like to update it to get the most profit. It's gross.

[tevagirl]

We moved my grandma from a condo to an apartment with assisted living available. We hired a company that specializes in helping seniors downsize/move. They helped her decide which furniture/art she could take to her new place. They also did all the packing/transport/ unpacking.

We still spent several days with grandma sorting through things to figure out what she wanted to keep. We left a lot of stuff at the condo, which the family went through after grandma had moved. We emptied the condo in one weekend, took several trips to thrift stores to donate, plus kept items that we each wanted from grandma.

[jena]

We are about to go work on this with MIL for the next 2 weeks. Her boys helped her get started a months ago, but they could only stay for a long weekend. I don't think we'll get it done this trip but I'm hoping for progress.

She's a very charitable person, so encouraging her to give things away so that she can help others head been pretty effective and I think it's soothing to her to think of it that way.

She's out of state and has another house so there's room for her treasures. But OMG she has a ton of (useless/unnecessary) paperwork. Heating oil invoices for the last 40 years?

[Deleted]

mofongo and lilafowler said they needed to take my jewelry for safe keeping. Can I trust them?

[lilafowler]

Jun 27, 2017 9:43:11 GMT -5 HRH Queen Dick I said:

mofongo and lilafowler said they needed to take my jewelry for safe keeping. Can I trust them?

Recreational marijuana ain't cheap dawg!

[adeliepenguin]

It sounds like GM has a handle, or at least a start on decluttering. When my parents retired and were getting ready to move, they made a pact that they would work to declutter for 2 hours or 2 garbage bags every weekend. It was a manageable goal for them, and still they made steady progress. And they didn't feel overwhelmed by everything. They also gave away most of their furniture to someone setting up house for the first time. It made things them happy and my cousin and his family happy.

[ilovecandy]

It sounds like she wants to which is a great start. Like someone.mentioned above make a manageable goal or get her out and have her take what she wants then go through everything.

We are in the midst of declutter h's parents house and they waffle.on it. So it has been dofficult.

[kris356]

My boss is going through this with his mom. She decided to sell and move into a retirement community.

Would Grandma be willing to speak to a financial planner/elder law attorney? This is the approach that my boss took. That why, they can ask the tough questions and then figure out what she needs for expenses and it is coming from a neutral third party instead of family so it may help with the MIL situation.

My BIL is a financial planner and does this a lot. It may be worth looking into.

[cabbagecabbage]

Jun 28, 2017 12:24:32 GMT -5 kris356 said:

Would Grandma be willing to speak to a financial planner/elder law attorney? This is the approach that my boss took. That why, they can ask the tough questions and then figure out what she needs for expenses and it is coming from a neutral third party instead of family so it may help with the MIL situation.

My BIL is a financial planner and does this a lot. It may be worth looking into.

Yes. Her first plan is to visit her attorney who specializes in elder law/wills to get the estate stuff settled. Her brother has offered to go with her and her attorney is someone I know and she's awesome.

[kris356]

Jun 28, 2017 12:35:59 GMT -5 cabbagecabbage said:

Jun 28, 2017 12:24:32 GMT -5 kris356 said:

Would Grandma be willing to speak to a financial planner/elder law attorney? This is the approach that my boss took. That why, they can ask the tough questions and then figure out what she needs for expenses and it is coming from a neutral third party instead of family so it may help with the MIL situation.

My BIL is a financial planner and does this a lot. It may be worth looking into.

Yes. Her first plan is to visit her attorney who specializes in elder law/wills to get the estate stuff settled. Her brother has offered to go with her and her attorney is someone I know and she's awesome.

That is great! That one at least there is a non-family member watching out for her.

[Deleted]

We've all been helping my grandparents downsize from their condo to an Independent Living apartment in a senior home, but my mom (bless her) has been dealing with most of it. I agree with what others have said about doing one room at a time. This is actually the second time my grandparents have downsized -- they moved from their big house to the condo about 28 years ago, and it's astounding the amount of junk they have accumulated since then (or not even ever unpacked since that move).

If your DH's grandmother's furniture is in decent shape -- or any other housewares she has -- see if you have a furniture bank or Habitat for Humanity place nearby that would be willing to take it. My grandparents donated a bunch of furniture to the local furniture bank, and they actually came by and picked all the stuff up themselves.

On a more personal note, while you're helping her sort through all those treasured mementos and stuff, you might want to have a notebook or computer handy. We heard so many amusing stories from my grandmother when we were helping her go through some old boxes in her bedroom closet that were filled with old pictures and college/childhood stuff. I wish I had had something close by to write down some of the things she was sharing with us.