How do I kindly tell MIL (m/c related)...

[ejpint]

...to back up off me?

Since we told her we lost the pregnancy, she will not stop calling, wanting to talk about it. She sent a card, keeps talking about our angel baby watching over us. H called last night and said she bought us some kind of memorial-type gift. I haven't seen it yet, but I'm picturing some kind of Precious Moments-esque figurine.

I get that she may be grieving in her own way, too - but I'm trying really hard to move on, and this is not helping at all. I took my time, I cried it out, I got mad at the unfairness of the situation, and now I'm mostly on the other side. H has spoken to her and said I just don't want to talk about it, but she's not getting the message.

Any advice short of just avoiding her for the next few months? I know she thinks she's being kind and thoughtful, but it's really kind of awful for me. Am I being an ungrateful bitch here?

[ECB]

I think the next time she brings it up to you, you need to stop her and say "MIL, I appreciate your concern, but I simply don't want to talk about it. I need for you to respect that. It's very upsetting to me.".

[Brie]

Ditto ECB.

If she persists I would just stop answering her phone calls until you're ready.

[froggy76]

I would stop talking to her and let your DH handle it. I'm sorry... IME, people either ignore it completely or go too far to try to make you feel better.

[ECB]

In thinking more about this- it's understandable that you don't want to be rude to her.

But honestly, she's the one being rude. This is something that happened TO YOU and she's making it about herself.

That isn't fair. You shouldn't have to worry about her in relation to this. You just shouldn't.

No, you don't want to go gangbusters on her and tell her to "f- off", but I do think you need to gently but firmly draw some boundaries. This absolutely does NOT make you a bitch.

[CloudBee]

Sept 14, 2012 9:27:11 GMT -5 ECB said:

I think the next time she brings it up to you, you need to stop her and say "MIL, I appreciate your concern, but I simply don't want to talk about it. I need for you to respect that. It's very upsetting to me.".

This exactly.

[Ashley&Scott]

Ditto ECB 100%. Hugs EJ!

[ejpint]

Thanks for the feedback. MIL has a tendency to be pretty socially inept, but I really couldn't tell if I was being an asshole for wanting to tell her to back the F off.

[satama]

I actually had DH tell my ILs to please never mention it because I was afraid of the same situation. It surprisingly worked. They did send a condolence note with a box of chocolate covered strawberries the day after I got home from the hospital, but never spoke of it to me.

[satama]

Oh, and definitely have DH handle talking to her about it. Not something you should have to deal with.

[SusanBAnthony]

Totally different situation, but mil is the same way. DH just had open heart surgery, and my mil was completely freaking out. Yes it's major surgery but the risk of complications was low, and he had a great surgeon. She kept insisting that the reason I wasn't eating was that I was so upset, the reason I was quiet was I was so upset ( actually is as just trying to avoid killing her) etc etc etc. I wanted to scream at her to just fucking drop it already, but I didn't. Luckily she went home after a few days and I could go back to my usual program of ignoring her calls and emails, lol.

[pugz]

I would stop taking your calls and defer them to your husband. Maybe after a few weeks she will shut up about it and you can talk to her again and it won't come up

[drloretta]

Ditto the others. If you have to, say "I'm grieving in my own way and I prefer not to talk about it. I hope you can appreciate that and not dwell on it. It's something that happened, but it's not the only thing going on in our lives. I hope you understand."

I feel ya. My mom told old family friends about my first m/c, and 6 weeks later I got a sympathy card. Totally threw me for a loop.

[GailGoldie]

I'm so sorry for your loss. And that you now have to deal with an annoying MIL.

Don't asnwer the phone - period... i never answer when my MIL calls no matter what

and have your DH tell her flat out to STOP. If that doesn't work - you may just need to tell her to SHUT THE FUCK UP... maybe not quite like that- but you might need to get "rude" since she's being so rude.

[dottyblue]

I agree with ECB's advice; it's time to get blunt with her. If she doesn't stop after you ask her to lay off, stop answering her calls and have her emails re-routed to a folder in your inbox until you are ready to deal with her again.

I'm sorry for your loss, and sorry you are dealing with her inconsiderate self on top of that.