Am I Over-Thinking This?

[traveltheworld]

DH is a lower level manager at a quasi-government organization that does finance/investment stuff. His analyst just gave his notice and will be leaving in September. DH asked me what I thought about recommending his friend (let’s call him John) for the analyst position. I immediately said no. John is a good friend of DH’s, is a good person in general, and would be qualified for the position. The problem is, John has always looked down on DH in terms of his professional abilities. Over the years, John has made quite a few disparaging remarks about how “lucky” DH is for having his whole career mapped out for him without any personal effort (DH got his current job through a contact of mine) and how he doesn't understand how DH can be doing as well as he does at work. I never told DH any of this. I don't want DH to hire John because I think it’s generally not a great idea to be the boss of someone who doesn’t respect your professional abilities.



Anyways, I then found out that DH just recommended John for another analyst position in the same department (different asset class). While DH would not be his direct manager, they would still have to work closely together.
DH is extremely well-liked at work and the last few people he endorsed all got hired.  I'm inclined to tell DH to just hand in John's resume as he had said he would do, but slow play it and not be enthusiastic about it all.  Is that out of line?  I'm secretly hoping that John doesn't follow up on this either, but that's unlikely.

[2chatter]

My DH would hard core balk at me dictating what he does at work - would you explain the why and make the recommendation that he soft pedal it or would DH just do what you suggest, to him for no reason?

Is John jealous? Kind of sounds like that...

[frozenpeas]

Jul 7, 2017 14:37:40 GMT -5 2chatter said:

My DH would hard core balk at me dictating what he does at work - would you explain the why and make the recommendation that he soft pedal it or would DH just do what you suggest, to him for no reason?

Is John jealous? Kind of sounds like that...

I agree. I think you have 2 choices.

Tell your H what John said about him & what you think he should do. Let your H decide how to proceed.

Or stay silent. You said John is qualified and wouldn't report to your H. If you don't tell H what John has said & he gets the job, I don't think the dynamics of that relationship will change. If anything, maybe John will develop a greater respect for your H, seeing how much pull he has and how well-liked he is at work.

Any reason you haven't told your H what John said? Just curious.

[traveltheworld]

frozenpeas, I never brought up what John said as there just never seemed like a good time for it. I suppose it goes towards my overall insecurity about any insecurities my DH may have. I know that DH felt very insecure for a long time because of how he started building his career off of my connections and my help. We have both mostly gotten over that, but I don't like him knowing that some people still think that he's not as capable as he truly is.

[traveltheworld]

Jul 7, 2017 14:37:40 GMT -5 2chatter said:

My DH would hard core balk at me dictating what he does at work - would you explain the why and make the recommendation that he soft pedal it or would DH just do what you suggest, to him for no reason?

Is John jealous? Kind of sounds like that...

Oh I have no doubt that John is jealous.  In John's mind, DH got lucky by marrying well and then had his whole life sorted out for him.  While I'd agree that our lifestyle is dependent on my income, DH has worked very hard over the last few years to improve himself and advance his career, but because he was such a slacker in his early years, his friends from that period (such as John) can't seem to see that.  

[mommyatty]

traveltheworld, holy shit, we might be the same person. DH got his old job because of my connections and did very well. Then decided he didn't love it so is SAH. I'm partly hoping he gets this new job so he feels like he did that on his own merit.

[k3am]

Well, if YH hires John - or someone else does based on his recommendation, you'll have plenty of time to gloat and lord it over him that he only got the role because he was lucky is to know you guys and fall into an amazing career opportunity like that.

[sunbutter]

I agree with the thoughts above. The only thing I would say to your DH is that he needs to be prepared that his friendship will change.

Have you ever countered John when he says these things? Do you see him often? Maybe you can tell him that you don't think it is a good idea that he pursues the position unless he really sees himself respecting your DH's abilities.

[billie]

I would be honest with your H. Tell him the whole thing and let him decide what to do. If he asks why you didn't tell him before about John's comments, tell him you didn't think it mattered or that you didn't think what John thought mattered.