Monday Vents/Celebrations

[vasc]

Oh! I know a celebration. I sent out an invite to the neighborhood moms I know for a ladies night in early August and already have three yeses. I framed it as a chance for me to celebrate/mourned the end of summer and maternity leave.

[2chatter]

Vent: they changed a form at work earlier this year. Manually converting to a new form for one checkbox that wasn't related to my project means when I clicked the 32 checkboxes that WERE related to my project I missed one and it's alllll effed up now. I am so MAD that they made me convert and my issue was it was super detailed and a risk and I reviewed the hell out of it. And still missed a box. And now my project is jacked up. Uggghhh!!!!!

[traveltheworld]

Celebration: DH and I had a great day yesterday by ourselves. We went to a cute little cafe for brunch, then a long bike ride, then the mall, then dinner. By 9 p.m. we were out of things to do so we went home. Of course the kids were still up, but playing with them and putting them away to bed is a lot less terrible when you've had a few glasses of wine

Vent: my business group just scheduled a 5:30 a.m. conference call. Worst part - since I live in a small townhouse right now, there's no quiet dedicated space to take the call and I really don't want the kids to interfere, so I think I'll have to get up and come into the office by 5. Yuck.

[2chatter]

traveltheworld - when there were 7 of us in 1700 sq ft I took all calls from the master closet. The clothes provide excellent sound insulation!

[akafred]

Yes! We have closed!!!! We now only own one house!

[traveltheworld]

Jul 10, 2017 8:01:05 GMT -5 mommyatty said:

Vent: I'm not sleeping well. I really think I may be close to needing something pharmaceutical to deal with anxiety. I'm realizing the number of low to no probability things I obsess over to the point of almost paralysis is... not normal. One of the latest is this whole "dry drowning" thing. We swim in our pool at least a couple of times a week, and I'm getting up to make sure my kids are breathing even though they haven't even been under water.

Celebration: DD turns 5 tomorrow! And she and her brother were both so great this weekend.

Vent: DD wants a pet for her birthday. She really wanted a dog but was willing to accept a cat. DH doesn't want one. He says it's too much added responsibility that will fall to him. For God's sake, it's a cat, not another baby.

mommyatty , have you considered talking to a counselor?  I struggle with anxiety too.  To give you an idea of how "crazy" I can be - the other night DS coughed for a bit.  I made DH read to the kids while I went into the other room and used a timer to time how often he coughed for about 20 minutes (literally did nothing but sit there and look at my timer), wrote it down on my "DS health log", then spent an hour googling what could possibly be wrong.  I go see a counselor every few months to just talk it out.  Since I know how crazy I sound, I very rarely talk to people about this and I find that bottling it all up makes it way worst.  So yup, I pay someone hundreds of dollars to listen to me worry about my kids.  I tried sleeping pills but a bit but they really messed with my mood, so I had to stop that.  I'm now just resigned to the fact that I don't sleep well.  I nap when I can.

[ilovelucyvv]

Celebration: I had a nice time in NYC.

Vent: I had to manually create a report while I was here during my "free time" not in meetings. Like pivot tables, vlookups, manually putting it all together... i spent 3-4 hours on this and it is so not my job.

Celebration: Going to see my messy little kids tomorrow.

[xctsclrx]

Tuesday Vent: I went home sick yesterday; today my kid throws up on me as we are walking out the door.

Celebration: Cuddles with my sicko today.

[erinshelley21]

I have a Tuesday vent. Our dishwasher is not drying things. I'm giving it one more chance before I call a repair man. I have no time or desire to hand dry 923 dishes and bottles.

[freezorburn]

Jul 10, 2017 11:27:44 GMT -5 supertrooper1 said:

freezorburn, I think it was you that suggested Holy Cannoli? A little bit of a challenge to get there since the street they're on is under construction, but so worth it! Thank you for the recommendation. We'll be making more stops there in the future.

Not me, but I'm glad you enjoyed it!

[supertrooper1]

Jul 11, 2017 10:58:14 GMT -5 freezorburn said:

Jul 10, 2017 11:27:44 GMT -5 supertrooper1 said:

freezorburn , I think it was you that suggested Holy Cannoli? A little bit of a challenge to get there since the street they're on is under construction, but so worth it! Thank you for the recommendation. We'll be making more stops there in the future.

Not me, but I'm glad you enjoyed it!

Hmm, I wonder who it was...lol. 

[186momx]

erinshelley21, at least the dishwasher is still washing the dishes. Washing and drying 923 million dishes would get old really fast.

Celebration: DD had a blast with her sitter yesterday and the sitter didn't want to go home! They are both looking forward to next Monday.

I also may have found another girl to watch DD on Tue/Thur and she drives so no picking up and taking home on me. She works at the gym but didn't get chosen to work any of the camps so has her days free and would like some extra $$$.

[erinshelley21]

Very true 186momx

[freezorburn]

Vent: I do not like parenting my parents. But I'm making progress at accepting this as reality.

Celebration: One of my tires developed a slow leak over the weekend, so yesterday I decided I would spend the afternoon trying to get it fixed. Went to a tire repair place, where they told me that I had locking lugnuts on my wheels (IDKY!), and we couldn't find the tool to take them off, so off I went to my dealer so they could remove the lug nuts. Service guy at the dealer said, rather than send you back to the tire place, we can just give you a new tire. We can't fix the punctured one because we aren't insured to do that type of work, but your car is new enough (2 years!) and we have the tires in stock and have the discretion to help you out in this situation. THEY FIXED MY TIRE. FOR FREE. Given that last month was full of minor annoyances (felt like there was a target on my back), it was nice to have something go my way for a change!

[erinshelley21]

freezorburn I had to parent my mom for a few years after my parents divorced and my dad died. She had never lived on her own and my dad took care of everything. It was an awful time. Also, I feel like dealerships get a bad name. I've always had pleasant experiences taking my vehicles to the dealers and I've used several different ones.

[HeartofCheese]

ME!ME!ME!

Sorry but I have not taken time to read everyone else's vents and celebrations before posting because I hate MH.

Just spent 2 weeks with my parents. MH is his usual unfriendly, inflexible, antisocial self with lots of demands and no kindnesses. He puts tons of pressure on me to make everything work for him - even if it means compromising what's best for the kids (which is, of course, where my line is drawn). Usually it's my parents who get left holding the bag. Well. One morning, my mom wants to go garage saling (it's a word). After tons of resistance, MH agrees and takes the kids out for the morning and early afternoon by himself. While outside my parents' place, he gets to yelling at DS (I think to get out of the car?). It is so bad, that a neighbor became concerned and told my dad that she thought about calling police. The next day, my dad is in a mood - possibly b/c of the conversation with the neighbor. After my dad gets done yelling at everyone because he spilled my half-full cup of coffee that was by the sink and ready to be rinsed, he decides to "talk" to MH. He starts out with, "You're not going to like what I have to say, but you're going to listen." My kids are right there sweeping up a bunch of dirt because they had just pulled all of the flowers out of my mom's planters. MH starts to get up to walk away and my dad puts his hand on his chest. MH shoves his hand away and yells, "Don't put your hands on me!" I go out to stand between them and my dad tells me what the neighbors said and MH and my dad yell back and forth a bit more. I rip my dad a hole for starting a confrontation in front of my kids and for not talking to me about it and generally seeming to just be looking for a fight.

MH and I try to decide whether or not to leave, but clearly I'm torn between having to decide to get divorced on the spot b/c I agree that MH yells way too much, and potentially severing visits with my parents forever. Ultimately I tell MH that my dad's concern is legit and I'm not severing ties with them over it, but b/c my dad handled it so poorly that whatever MH wanted to do - we would all do together. We sleep on it and in the morning, MH has a brief moment of enlightenment. I fall in love all over again. But we quickly fall back into the same pattern - exacerbated by my dad's moodiness on both related and unrelated matters.

By the time the trip is over, MH and I both realize that MH will not be visiting my parents with me again and there's a big Q mark about if/when they will be visiting us. I'm stuck in the middle. Don't know what to do. I'm definitely not choosing one over the other, but if I had to - I'd choose my parents.

Then comes our nightmare flight home. Won't even go there, but trust me, it was terrible. And solidifies that MH makes my life worse, not better. If I never get stared at by 10 million strangers again everywhere we go, it will be too soon. I can't even make good decisions b/c I'm trying to hard to be calm, and I can't be as patient with tired kids as I would like b/c I'm so fucking pissed off. All while people stare at us and MH thinks I'm the one being unreasonable.

That's it for now. Thanks for the vent.

[frozenpeas]

Hugs HeartofCheese. 2 weeks is a long time to spend visiting anyone so I understand that stress levels can be high by the end of it. But that is no excuse for your H's behavior. Please know that things don't have to be this way--you deserve to be happy & to have a husband who shares your burdens instead of creating more of them for you. Please, vent as much as you need if it helps you at all.

[twinmomma]

HeartofCheese, I'm so sorry that your vacation turned out that way. Based on this post and your open letter, it sounds like you're ready to make a positive change for you and your kids. We're all here to support and help you navigate those changes if it's what you decide to do.

[Covergirl82]

HeartofCheese, ditto what frozenpeas and twinmomma said. Hugs to you and we are here for you!

[xctsclrx]

HeartofCheese, I also want to point out that if you had to choose and your choose your parents that speaks volumes. We are here for you if/when you need us.

[erinshelley21]

HeartofCheese, I am so sorry that you're in this position. I'm going to come to the defense of your dad though. Yes, he could have handled that better, but I would expect most dads to do the same. He just watched, for 2 weeks, his daughter and grandkids get treated with way less respect and kindness than they deserve. So much to the point that people he knows were concerned for their safety to an extent. You're wanting to do what is best for your kids and so is he.

Based on your open letter, you are in the same position my SIL was in about a year ago. She was 40, had a 9 and 6 year old and finally had enough of being treated like shit. Her and her ex are both more pleasant to be around. He's not an asshole every single time we see him (which is still frequently since MIL watches their kids) and there's no some white elephant in the room whenever SIL shows up to family functions without him making us just feel bad for her.

At this point, it would be better to divorce for the kids. Your son will see that its not okay to treat your wife that way and your daughter will see that its not okay for her to be treated that way.

[akafred]

HeartofCheese, wow, I am so sorry you are dealing with all that. It's totally not fair to be stuck in that position by everyone you love. Also WTF to your parents' neighbors for wanting to call the cops over someone shouting at kids. No shouting at kids isn't ok at all but it is not call the cops worthy either. Way to make a tense situation even more tense. Perhaps your H coming to terms with his anger management problem that it sounds like he has will be the positive to come from all that.

[rere]

HeartofCheese You do what's best for you and the kids. As someone who grew up with a lot of shouting and parents that stayed for the kids, we know something isn't right. Hope you find your best solution.

[mustardseed2007]

HeartofCheese wow that is so intense. I'm so sorry.

I had a longer thing about my BIL and SIL and how it is on us as their extended family and what we all say about it to give context for your dad's actions...but really your first work is your marriage. What are you going to do? What is your H willing to do to try and change the script here? B/c your current path isn't sustainable. It's hurting relationships you have with others, you are unhappy, your children are probably unhappy.

Once you have that patted down better, I suspect that your family will be easier to work out. You'll at least know what direction to go.

[2chatter]

HeartofCheese - your DH sounds like mine when he isn't medicated. I don't recall if that's something that's been tried or on the table. But it was a game changer here (until he forgets his meds and I want to kill him).

The good thing is you know this isn't you. The bad thing is you have a severely limited set of options regarding how to deal
with that.

Re: the staring - the worst. DH's deafness means he has volume control issues. It is HUMILIATING like nothing else when he has this issue and says something you don't say in a lull in a restaurant or a store checkout. (One of the worst was a specific sex question - shouting volume - intimate restaurant). He's cognizant so I can signal volume down with my hand and he doesn't freak out any more. But no one deserves to be treated poorly by their spouse in public. DH used to have that issue, too.

[billie]

I'm gonna say this with lots of love HeartofCheese but from what you post here I really don't get why you stay with him. Like you said, he makes your life worse. You deserve so much better.

[waverly]

More hugs HeartofCheese.

The anger issue and humiliating you in public is not acceptable. DH will occasionally act loud not even really angry and I have to pull him aside and tell him to quiet down in public. This sounds like a whole other level on that.

Unless your H was physical with the kids I think the neighbor was a bit dramatic. Perhaps she though he was going to hit them or something? It sounded like your Father had little choice in having that discussion although it went poorly. From your postings this has been going on years and years not months or just 1 visit.

2 weeks is a long time to visit family and honestly I've told H that he never has to go to my sisters again because her H is so mean. So I get going somewhere and not taking him. My dad never went on trips to visit my Grandparents with us. But again I think your situation is for more serious reasons than just relatives not getting along.

[freezorburn]

HeartofCheese, I'm so sorry for what you are going through.

Having recently gone through a divorce, one of the ironies, in my situation anyway, has been that XH and I have continued to work through our issues with the help of our divorce coach. Things will never be completely healthy between us, but there is a part of me that still wonders if we can work through all this stuff when divorced, why couldn't we have stayed married and worked through it. But, too much has happened .... the point is that divorce didn't solve any problems and it didn't make them go away. Perhaps the only good that came out of it is that (for now) XH is more engaged as a parent than he was during our marriage. Because now he HAS to be.

If you are serious about pursuing divorce, start building your support team. A counselor to help you deal with the emotional aspects, if you don't have one already. Start looking for lawyer referrals ... we ended up doing a collaborative divorce and I believe we saved a lot of money in fees that way. But it's not for everyone. Happy to discuss more via PM.

[mommyatty]

HeartofCheese - I know how hard it is to decide to leave when kids are involved. I think your trying to determine what everyday situations would look like as a single mom is a good one. I think yelling at or berating my kids would be my bright line, but again until you're in the situation, you just don't know.

So anyway, all the hugs and support. And highly recommend counseling for you guys as individuals and as a couple, especially if you need to feel that you tried everything to save the marriage. If he won't go, I think that tells you a lot.

[campermom]

HeartofCheese I am so sorry you are going through this. It's not ok to be treated this way. We are here for you. ETA I also agree that counseling is valuable if you are not already going. And if he refuses, go on your own.