I'm not a teaching expat but my sister is and their community is pretty small (and it tends to be Joe American was teaching in ABC country for a bit, then he did a stint in XYZ country, and now he's here). I'm sending this to her but she's on vacation so I won't have her response for a bit.
Post by suburbanzookeeper on Aug 22, 2017 17:19:34 GMT -5
We have several friends who have taught internationally and they've all said the industry is relatively small, especially if you teach a specialty and if you're sticking it out beyond just a few school terms you'll notice how small the pool is.
A close friend's husband left her with no notice while she was OOT for a weekend helping her mom move. He ransacked the house, took what he wanted, left their pets without food/water and disappeared. She came home and thought something had happened to him! She contacted the police, made a report, etc. Within a few days she was able to make contact with a friend who said he just didn't want to be tied down anymore (married a year) and left.
Let's not forget that in addition to being a dick to Sylvia, he was also a jackass to his family and friends, leaving them to comfort/inform his THREE YEAR LIVE IN GIRLFRIEND of his DEPARTURE FROM THE COUNTRY. Yeah, I bet there was a scene or two.
If either of my children does something like this, I'm buying their ex a one way ticket to my kid's new location and not warning him or her that the ex is on the way.
A close friend's husband left her with no notice while she was OOT for a weekend helping her mom move. He ransacked the house, took what he wanted, left their pets without food/water and disappeared. She came home and thought something had happened to him! She contacted the police, made a report, etc. Within a few days she was able to make contact with a friend who said he just didn't want to be tied down anymore (married a year) and left.
My father planned on doing something similar to this. He was having an affair with a woman 4 states away, and got a job transfer to her area. His plan was to leave for work and just not come back.
The only reason he didn't is that my mom confronted him about the affair a few days beforehand. He still left, but we had a few days' notice.
I absolutely believe that Sylvia was appointed as the new head. rupertpenny is correct. The international school community is incredibly small. Just the other day I came across a mutual acquaintance in FB that I couldn't believe.
I am usually on Team Someone Made This Up, but this instance I don't think it's the case. Because the part that makes the story outrageous -- that they lived together for two years --- was not even included in the original letter. The original letter is actually kind of boring.
After spending some time on the online dating scene in my 30s, I believe that this is possible.
A friend of mine dated a man for 1 year, and spent loads of time and holidays with his parents, brother and nieces and nephews. He flew to another country to meet her parents and attend their 50th anniversary celebration. And then he had the nerve to suddenly break up with her with a brief text and refused to discuss it further. There was no abuse or any poor behavior going on. He lives the next town over -- she has run into his family at the supermarket a couple times since the breakup. The dating pool is full of cowards.
Yeah, even before online dating - I remember a young woman at my church who was getting married: they were the "perfect" couple, had been together forever, blah blah blah. He ghosted her ON THEIR WEDDING DAY. Like, the church was full, she was ready to walk down the aisle, and he was on an airplane to Greece having cocktails (she found out later, after lots of panic to try to figure out if he'd been killed or something - she finally touched base with his parents and they were like, "Uh, he told us you had broken up months ago and he's on his way to Greece to lick his wounds.").
After spending some time on the online dating scene in my 30s, I believe that this is possible.
A friend of mine dated a man for 1 year, and spent loads of time and holidays with his parents, brother and nieces and nephews. He flew to another country to meet her parents and attend their 50th anniversary celebration. And then he had the nerve to suddenly break up with her with a brief text and refused to discuss it further. There was no abuse or any poor behavior going on. He lives the next town over -- she has run into his family at the supermarket a couple times since the breakup. The dating pool is full of cowards.
Yeah, even before online dating - I remember a young woman at my church who was getting married: they were the "perfect" couple, had been together forever, blah blah blah. He ghosted her ON THEIR WEDDING DAY. Like, the church was full, she was ready to walk down the aisle, and he was on an airplane to Greece having cocktails (she found out later, after lots of panic to try to figure out if he'd been killed or something - she finally touched base with his parents and they were like, "Uh, he told us you had broken up months ago and he's on his way to Greece to lick his wounds.").
She never had contact with his parents during the engagement?
Yeah, even before online dating - I remember a young woman at my church who was getting married: they were the "perfect" couple, had been together forever, blah blah blah. He ghosted her ON THEIR WEDDING DAY. Like, the church was full, she was ready to walk down the aisle, and he was on an airplane to Greece having cocktails (she found out later, after lots of panic to try to figure out if he'd been killed or something - she finally touched base with his parents and they were like, "Uh, he told us you had broken up months ago and he's on his way to Greece to lick his wounds.").
She never had contact with his parents during the engagement?
Yup, but with wedding planning they hadn't spoken in a while - they weren't close geographically or emotionally.
I work in an industry with a huge expat community, but when you filter it by common nationality or language, you're looking at a pretty small population. Add in the fact that in many locations expats tend to frequent the same places and you end up with tons of coincidences.
I dated a guy for a month in Paris before he suddenly left the country (he did let me know he was leaving). Six years later, I ran into him again in Beijing and found out he'd just moved to the same street.
I didn't read every response, but yeah the guy is/was an asshole. But personal and professional should not mix. Sylvia needs to be professional and treat him like a stranger. If she can't she needs to make someone else his direct supervisor. Or maybe I just work in a field that has a ton of awkward supervisor-employee relationships.
Post by LoveTrains on Aug 22, 2017 22:56:29 GMT -5
I once worked at a boarding school with teachers living in dorms on campus. One summer, the wife of a couple who had been married one year went away for the weekend. Her husband moved out over the weekend. She returned and he was just gone. He dropped a resignation letter off with the headmaster. He sent her an email.
I didn't read every response, but yeah the guy is/was an asshole. But personal and professional should not mix. Sylvia needs to be professional and treat him like a stranger. If she can't she needs to make someone else his direct supervisor. Or maybe I just work in a field that has a ton of awkward supervisor-employee relationships.
What are the chances of ALL the schools in ALL the world that they end up at the same school? I mean, sure, if they are still living relatively close to home, they may cross paths again. But someone run the statistics and tell me how likely it is that they would end up together half way around the world? This is either made up or Sylvia actually knew the letter writer was at that school when she applied. I'm leaning toward made up, like 90% of all AAM letters.
In the International school world - much bigger than you'd imagine. We have people who have worked together at one school many years ago ending up at the same school in another country at the same time. It's really not unusual. And if Sylvia became the head of the school, she wouldn't automatically get a list of every single teacher before getting the position or assume that it's the same person (the last international school I worked for had over 100 people working there). She might know now.
Post by mrsukyankee on Aug 23, 2017 2:46:08 GMT -5
And while this does happen more often than you'd imagine (my mom up and left w/o any warning when my dad went to help me pack and move back home for a while, though she did leave a letter to my dad and me), it makes the person no less an asshole. (It took me a LONG time to trust and become friendly with my mom after this experience).
I didn't read every response, but yeah the guy is/was an asshole. But personal and professional should not mix. Sylvia needs to be professional and treat him like a stranger. If she can't she needs to make someone else his direct supervisor. Or maybe I just work in a field that has a ton of awkward supervisor-employee relationships.
Umm no. Sorry.
Yeah that isn't going to change my opinion. Just like you have yours.
You think it isn't going to look worse because Sylvia is a woman if she let relationship scorn run her decisions? Doesn't matter if the partner is a man or woman. You can't evaluate someone based on your personal opinion of them, especially if they are doing their job. I would sue the shit out of that person.
She never had contact with his parents during the engagement?
Yup, but with wedding planning they hadn't spoken in a while - they weren't close geographically or emotionally.
That's insane! Did the rest of his family show up? As in, did he only tell his parents that the wedding was off, or did she start to get a clue when half the church was empty.
As for the OP, I don't think Sylvia can fire him (or her) for personal reasons without looking petty. I do suspect, though, that anyone who would "ghost" someone they'd been living with for two years had some significant interpersonal failings and that she won't have trouble finding reasons to fire him for cause after supervising him for a short term.
I have no idea what the system is like and if she'd be able to have someone else be his supervisor.
Yeah that isn't going to change my opinion. Just like you have yours.
You think it isn't going to look worse because Sylvia is a woman if she let relationship scorn run her decisions? Doesn't matter if the partner is a man or woman. You can't evaluate someone based on your personal opinion of them, especially if they are doing their job. I would sue the shit out of that person.
100% agree. Sure, I like the IDEA of her firing his ass, but real world?? NO!
I can't fathom having someone who hates me for something I did to them personally having me fired over it. Id be lawyering up in a split second over that.
This asshole needs to be an adult once in his life and find another position. This is the best he can do.
Nothing in his letter shows any kind of remorse. He downplays big time what he did and actually paints her as unstable. He still has no idea that what he did is wrong on so many levels. We are talking about a guy who abandoned his girlfriend of 3 years. Didn't leave a note or gave her a phone call. Just left and disappeared. Like some readers mentioned, since they lived together, they probably had some shared bills that fell on her shoulders overnight.
"Sylvia was rather emotional and became obsessed with the relationship, tracking me down, even causing various scenes with my parents and friends."
"Sylvia is a sort of forgotten history. Sadly, till now".
"had no idea what she had been up to since the unpleasant situation a long time ago."
I know Sylvia has to be the bigger person here but knowing this guy has no remorse and still doesn't grasp the magnitude of his actions, he's still the same jerk, 10 years later. I don't know how these schools work but if she has any say about the teachers, I would ask this guy to be in my office, and tell him he has until the end of the school year to find another position. The sooner the better.
As for the OP, I don't think Sylvia can fire him (or her) for personal reasons without looking petty. I do suspect, though, that anyone who would "ghost" someone they'd been living with for two years had some significant interpersonal failings and that she won't have trouble finding reasons to fire him for cause after supervising him for a short term.
I have no idea what the system is like and if she'd be able to have someone else be his supervisor.
I didn't read every response, but yeah the guy is/was an asshole. But personal and professional should not mix. Sylvia needs to be professional and treat him like a stranger. If she can't she needs to make someone else his direct supervisor. Or maybe I just work in a field that has a ton of awkward supervisor-employee relationships.
If this were a more normal situation, I'd agree. Given the circumstances though, I would not rule out the possibility of this "ghosting" being an incredibly traumatic experience for Sylvia, the kind that requires therapy or resulted in lasting emotional pain. His mere presence perhaps could be triggering.
Maybe she's over it and/or maybe I'm reading too much into what he did. But I also think this seems like an exceptionally cruel act that might stick with a person, making "being professional" be so emotionally taxing as to be an unrealistic goal every day for years.
Post by clairedunphy on Aug 23, 2017 9:56:18 GMT -5
If I were Sylvia, I would want to take the high road in this situation and not fire him. However, if I were Sylvia, I would be concerned HE would act petty and tell his coworkers (my subordinates) that I was crazy, obsessed with him, etc. etc. If I caught wind of that as his supervisor, he would be gone. I would not have him undermining my authority when he was the asshole in this scenario.
If I were Sylvia, I would want to take the high road in this situation and not fire him. However, if I were Sylvia, I would be concerned HE would act petty and tell his coworkers (my subordinates) that I was crazy, obsessed with him, etc. etc. If I caught wind of that as his supervisor, he would be gone. I would not have him undermining my authority when he was the asshole in this scenario.
I agree. If I were Sylvia, I would also feel like I wouldn't be able to manage him properly. He will take everything she says that isn't a praise as some form of retaliation.
I didn't read every response, but yeah the guy is/was an asshole. But personal and professional should not mix. Sylvia needs to be professional and treat him like a stranger. If she can't she needs to make someone else his direct supervisor. Or maybe I just work in a field that has a ton of awkward supervisor-employee relationships.
You're right. Grown folks should act like grown folks. But I've met me and there's no way that my face wouldn't say "this mutherfucker right here" every time I had to speak to him.
Also, I'm not sure this jackhole will remember he's grown when working with her.