Help me parent - Preschoolers and activities

[indyrowergirl]

Ok WP, how long do you encourage/force a preschooler to participate in an activity before you give up?

I'm at my wits' end with DS2 (4.5yo). We are on week 4 of U5 soccer. He did soccer skills classes all last winter and loved them, so I thought this would be a good activity for him. He so far has loved soccer practice, but flat out refuses to participate in games. Today he pulled the refusal at practice (which he loved last week). The season goes for another 6 weeks and I don't know if I can take it. DH and I are very pro finishing the season if you asked to participate, but he's 4, so he didn't ask for this. Do I keep pushing or pull the plug?

[xctsclrx]

This one is hard. I really don't know what I would in that situation.

The game thing I can understand, because I hated the games but loved practice when I played. I was not aggressive enough.

He is four so split the difference? Maybe let him practice for another week or two and don't force the games. If he still refuses to practice then pull it.

[supertrooper1]

DS got scared last summer during soccer camp and didn't want to participate. We got the coach to distract him and talk him into participating while we were out of sight. He wouldn't do it for us, but would for the coach. Can you get the coach to help?

[librarychica]

We had a similar sitch with our 5yo and gymnastics -- so no games involved. I let her quit when we had a few paid-for classes left. It wasn't enjoyable for anyone and, well, she was 5. Like you said -- it was parent driven not something she had asked for.

[mommyatty]

This describes half DD's team. Some kids would play some games, some never played. DD was the only kid who always played, but she never willingly touched the ball in a game. If he's not unhappy, I would continue to take him.

DD did basketball at 4. It was a debacle and we quit halfway through. We were also aided in that decision by the fact that games were heavily attended by large women with 4 inch long fingernails who often would begin screaming obscenities at one another and act as though they were about to throw punches. Yes, at games at 8:00 am that were for 4 year olds. So I'm assuming no one was drunk. Just really, really trashy. And it still took us 4 games to quit.

[sandandsea]

I have been there with ds and as a coach of 3-4 year olds in soccer. Honestly I let him sit and watch if he doesn't want to play. He still has to attend and cheer on his team but I'm not going to force him to stand on a field and take away playing time from kids who want to play the whole game. So if he sits and watches the whole game, his loss. I do make him cheer on his teammates and pay attention though.

For the kids on my team who didn't want to participate I tried to help, reassure, and encourage showing that other kids are having fun but if they don't want to, it's their call. I tell them to let me know when they feel they want to join in the fun and ask periodically if they're ready yet. Forcing them will only make them hate it and freak out even more.

[2chatter]

So here's a way to stick to your parenting philosophy while giving yourself a break. YOU know how
many weeks are left. Does DS? I bet not. Do three more weeks and celebrate the "last game
of the season". This only works if he doesn't have a close buddy on the team, but it totally works if you can get away with it. "We committed to this so we need to
finish" takes on a whole new (bearable) meaning.

[traveltheworld]

If you let him sit out the games, does he still want to go? If he does, I'd continue.

I guess my view is colored by the fact that my DS was the least participatory child you can imagine, but we put him and kept him in activities - our goal was as long as he had a 50% participation rate, we'd be happy. He did soccer from October - March, and during that time, he: (a) never participated in warm up (10 minutes), (b) cried every time practice involved any type of tagging game; and (c) never touched the ball during the game. But he still had fun and learned some valuable team-building skills, and was very proud of finishing the season. Same with pretty much every activity. We never forced him to participate, but we did force him to go. He could sit there the whole time, but he had to go. Because otherwise, the kid would have never left the house (this is the same kid who didn't even want to go to the playground). I remember we spent weeks at swimming lesson with him just sitting by the pool as well.

I'm not sure whether it's us forcing him to do all these things or whether it's just age, but now at age 5, he is into everything and loves everything. He still sits out certain parts of certain activities, but generally he is pretty good about participating. So I'm of the view that unless he is really upset about it, I'd still take him and just let him sit out the games. Maybe he'll decide to participate one day, maybe not, but either way, I think it'd be good for him to finish the season.

[mustardseed2007]

I'm really glad for this post b/c it makes me realize DS isn't so different from other kids.

We did gymnastics until he went into several classes and laid on the the gym floor the entire time saying he was tired. He was 4 at the time and it was expensive, so we quit.

We have also done Tball and Soccer. Soccer was hard. In our league "practices" were 15-20 minutes before the game and then they had a 30 minute game. So it was just about getting them involved. The first several times DS sat on the sidelines until the last 10 minutes. Then he got on the field and ran back and forth but waaaay out of the crowd.
We got lucky, though, and had a game where basically no one showed up. He played that whole game and loved it. That was a turning point...until he broke his foot - womp womp.

T-ball first season (age 4) was a major bust, this season (age 5) was 100% better. For these church-league team sports, the seasons are short, the activity is inexpensive, and he eventually warms up so we keep going. We REALLY need to keep sandandsea's advice in mind, though. Forcing it has never ever worked with DS. He just digs in his heals. But letting him to his own devices, he starts participating in the team sports.

[mellym]

DD1 was that exact same way with soccer at 4.5 but DH was the coach so there was no option of quitting. We stuck it out and took sandandsea's approach. If she didn't want to play, she still had to sit on the sidelines and watch. However, if he wasn't the coach I probably would've thought about quitting early. It was just tough to keep her on the sidelines and watch my one year old at the same time.

We waited six months before trying soccer again and now we can't get her off the field. We didn't do anything in between that time so I think it was just age.

[erinshelley21]

What does he do when he refuses? Does he run around and act like a maniac or does he just sit on the sidelines and watch? DS was a maniac during the first half of the tee ball season over the summer. But he was testing the boundaries and once I figured that out and got really firm with him, he shaped up a bit. If he was just sitting quietly on the sidelines, I would have left him alone.

One thing that helped was getting really excited about games. I'm talking the kind of excitement that happens when your kid is potty training. We'd talk about them for like a day and be really celebratory about them when he listened well. I didn't care if he hit the ball or got one in the field. I just wanted him to listen, which I think is the main goal when you're doing activities at this age.

Whether he's a maniac or the well-behaved kid, I'd still go and try to figure out what he doesn't like about the games and practices.

[HeartofCheese]

+1 for 2chatter's idea.

[sweetptater]

DD did dance last year...for half the year. By December she was refusing to participate in the class. She was 4 at the time. Honestly, I couldn't make her to do it if she didn't want to. Sure, I could have forced her to go into the room and just sit (or throw a fit the entire time), but that's not fair to the instructor or other kids. Of course she only decided to quit AFTER I paid $100 for her costume.

Same thing happened with soccer camp. 5 days total. Day 1 was fine, day 2 she was being pulled around by the coach to encourage her to participate, by day 3 she was lying face up in the middle of the field moaning while the other kids ran around her and the coach tried to convince her to play. Not fair to the coach or other kids. I pulled her.

DD apparently has a whole lotta quit in her...

[sweetptater]

Aug 22, 2017 20:45:19 GMT -5 2chatter said:

So here's a way to stick to your parenting philosophy while giving yourself a break. YOU know how
many weeks are left. Does DS? I bet not. Do three more weeks and celebrate the "last game
of the season". This only works if he doesn't have a close buddy on the team, but it totally works if you can get away with it. "We committed to this so we need to
finish" takes on a whole new (bearable) meaning.

 I love this idea! 

[callmekd]

DD1 is the same way. She is fine the first couple of weeks and then starts to refuse to participate. Thankfully the sessions are only 6 weeks

[waverly]

Mine do the skills classes, but not games yet. I know my sister had this problem at 4 and 5, so I am waiting in games because of that. I thought about the league this year but too many practices and games. I might look into the church league and see if that one is a smaller commitment.

DS is 6 so there is some reasoning with him. I let him skip a gymnastics class or two since he did them all school year but he had to finish. This was partially for coordination reasons, so I pushed it so he would be more coordinated and not injure himself. At 4 I wouldnt worry so much about finishing but definitely by 6.

[k3am]

So with gym classes, as soon as DD moved up to the class that wasn't parent participation, she hated them. We made her stick it out for what we'd paid for, but didn't make her stay for the whole class. She had to try, and we usually left after 5-10 minutes. It was a PITA, but it was only 4-5 classes, so NBD. She asks to go back all the time, but the class times and location are inconvenient.

For dance class, she begged to do the classes, which were dropped off, so she went to every class, stayed at every class, but didn't participate. She "danced with her chair." At home, she would practice the moves, so we know she was paying attention, and when I told her we weren't enrolling her for the next series, she cried.. because she LIKED the classes. She ended up doing two more seasons - sometimes dancing with the chair, sometimes with the teacher. The community center paused classes for summer and we'll miss the next series because of surgery, but it's her decision after that. (If she decides to do it, she'll have to stick with it for a while - she outgrew all her dance gear.)

Ask your kid. You're training him to be a human, and humans get a say in what they do.