I've got the sads.

[Jalapeñomel]

I go through phases were I can just KOKO. And other times that I'm really sad that this whole pregnancy thing isn't working out.

I'm in the latter right now.

I also don't really fit in with the trouble TTC board, since DH and I aren't going to pursue IUIs or IVF, but I'm not yet ready to give up.

Le sigh.

There's really no point to this post.

[seeyalater52]

Oh friend. I'm so sorry. I know no words from internet strangers can make it better, but I wish there was something I could do.

I definitely relate to feeling like you don't fit in. There are SO few places where queer folks discuss TTC on the internet. And in those places the vast majority are doing home insemination, which isn't an option for us. It is weird for me to be on this board a little (even though you guys are all great!) because it's so foreign to me to be able to try at home with your partner. And I'm so jealous of people who can even try that way. Even though I do post on TTTC a bit, since they know so much about IUIs and other fertility treatments, and since I have a tent PCOS diagnosis that could make conceiving more difficult, I don't really fit in there either since we haven't started trying yet. I feel guilty obsessing over my temps and charts on a board where ladies have been trying for years without success.

Basically this whole process sucks and is so alienating. Even though none of it is quite right I am so grateful to all of you for making space for all of our different experiences.

Sending hugs.

[seeyalater52]

Also - it's ok to be sad! It sucks! I am sad I'm not pregnant and I have never in my life had sperm enter my body. I am literally sad I am not pregnant as a result of immaculate conception. Surely your sadness is much more justified than that!!

[katespade]

I'm so sorry, Jalapeñomel .  

[RITS]

Solidarity, my friend. ❤️

[somersault72]

I'm sorry. As this journey continues I get less of the KOKO feeling. Huge hugs, I'm sorry you're having a rough time. Nothing about this process is easy.

[compassrose]

I am there with you 100%. My SO is sad, too, partly for "failing" me, I think. This just sucks.
I dreamed last night that my moms were talking about someone they knew who had a gender reveal party and (in the dream) I started crying so much that I had to leave the room. And I guarantee you I will never have a gender reveal party.

[larzhope]

with you as well! hugs my friend. I don't feel like we've been trying long enough to regularly post on TTTC, there are a thousand ways we can all make it feel like we don't fit in anywhere, but we've got a great community here and you can lean on us anytime!

[lovelyshoes]

I'm going to sneak in here. I feel the same way as you. The clock is running out and there are days, even weeks where I'm completely fine and then it hits me and it's hard. We are weighing ivf as an option, a very very expensive one as we have zero coverage. There're still so many questions about it too.
Anyway, hugs. It's really hard.

[seeyalater52]

We just pulled the trigger on our sperm... and of course our top choice is sold out. And even though we also really liked the second choice donor I am crying my eyes out because it's not what I was imagining, you know? I just feel so sad. This is the one itty bitty piece of the process it felt like we have control over and it turns out we don't. Two vials. And if it doesn't work it's back to the drawing board. 

[compassrose]

That really sucks, seeyalater52. I'm so sorry. I hope that #2 ends up having something it turns out your future kid really needs.

[katespade]

What a bummer, seeyalater52. I'm sorry you didn't get your #1 choice.

[seeyalater52]

Thanks, guys. <3

I feel really silly being this sad because we ranked the two almost identically in our super scientific weighted ranking spreadsheet (lol.) And he is fine! Perfect, even. But I admit I got a little carried away thinking about what we'd say to our kid about their donor envisioning THIS guy, not that guy. Which is even more absurd when you think about the low likelihood of us actually conceiving with either of the two vials we just bought. I really have to stop doing that but it's really really hard not to, since what the profile and donor message will look like to our kid is our most important consideration by far.

He's great though. I'm excited I swear, just a basket case. Too many damn obstacles in this course.

[Deleted]

I'm so sorry to hear you didn't get your first choice, seeyalater52. But I have my fingers crossed that one of the two vials you got results in a pregnancy!

I'm also sorry that you're feeling the sads, Jalapeñomel. I totally get where you're coming from. It feels stupid for me to say that I get the sads sometimes too, because in the grand scheme of things, DH and I have only just started and I don't feel right comparing our four cycles to ANYTHING that those of you who have been trying far longer have gone through.

In my case of mild sads, BIL and his wife finally announced their pregnancy on Facebook last week, so the happy/sad feeling hit me all over again. And then MIL basically let us know she's already planning to do a baby shower for them over Christmas. And while I'm a little sad, and feeling a little left out (which, again, sounds so stupid), because we haven't conceived yet...I'm also feeling a little guilty that we're trying, because there's part of me that worries that if we conceive anytime in the near future, SIL/BIL or other members of the family might think that we just did it because they're expecting. Which is so not the case -- we were already a couple cycles into TTC when they told us -- and logically, I know they would never be so petty (I actually really like my ILs). Again, just stupid.

God, this was a long, rambly post. Sorry, guys.

[melsamoony]

Hugs Jalapeñomel and seeyalater52

[lessel]

Hugs, ladies. This whole thing is an emotional roller coaster. Given our past two pregnancies ended poorly, I don't even know if I'm fully hoping for a BFP because then it's just another long anxiety road ahead.

[Jalapeñomel]

Thanks guys! 💗💗💗

And I'm sorry for all of us in limbo hell.

Doc is ordering progesterone for me to jumpstart my period. I'm waiting for my next steps from her.

[compassrose]

Good luck Jalapeñomel! I hope it resets your cycle.

I've had cramps (and been taking Advil. Yikes.) but still. No. AF. WTF. My temp is way down but holding just above cover. (My hope is posting this will somehow get my body going.)

[Jalapeñomel]

Also, I feel like a real jerk being sad about this since I have one healthy child.

[compassrose]

Jalapeñomel, don't feel like a jerk. I admit I feel an extra 'woe is me' since I've never given birth, but I have three amazing stepkids. I feel like I can be grateful for them, but still want this baby/toddler/little kid experience, too, without loving them any less.

[seeyalater52]

Jalapeñomel don't feel like a jerk. We all have our things that make this journey especially difficult and most of us probably something that makes us feel like a jerk, too. Mine is that we haven't even tried to have a baby and I am already so sad and discouraged. It feels wimpy and wrong when compared with people who have "real" problems, ya know? But I also feel woe is me about plenty of the obstacles in our path. Oh well!

[grover]

Jalapeñomel, don't feel bad. I sometimes feel bad since I recently had a baby. But I remember that it sucks that because of our infertility experience I don't have the family I wanted. Had we had no issues TTC #1, she would be almost 4 right now and we would have had TTC2 two years ago. Now, we don't know if we'll be able to have number 2, and a potential #3 is off the table because we don't want to do IF treatments that long. (and I won't go past another IUI for #2.)

[RITS]

I'm in the same boat Jalapeñomel

BUT we all have different ideas what our family should look like.... and when that doesn't happen, it's normal to be sad/mourn.

I feel silly to be sad because I thought that I might be one and done even though DH and I decided on two. Then we were like let's try for #2 and if it doesn't, then whatever. So I've completely surprised myself being so sad and disappointed that we haven't conceived since starting to try this past January.

[katespade]

I don't feel like I'm allowed to be sad yet, because I'm still so new. It's been less than four months, and being sad that early in the process is ridiculous. But also, today is CD62. :/

[bcv513]

Sept 6, 2017 19:41:19 GMT -5 Jalapeñomel said:

Also, I feel like a real jerk being sad about this since I have one healthy child.

Please don't do this to yourself. It's perfectly normal to be over the moon grateful that you have a healthy child, and still long for another. ((hugs))

[bcv513]

Sept 7, 2017 11:34:48 GMT -5 katespade said:

I don't feel like I'm allowed to be sad yet, because I'm still so new. It's been less than four months, and being sad that early in the process is ridiculous. But also, today is CD62. :/

I think by CD62 you're allowed to feel anything, up to homicidal lol. Seriously though, of course you're allowed to be sad. ((hugs))

[tacom]

I'm sorry you're sad, and I'm sorry you feel as if you don't quite belong. That must be isolating. I can't speak for others, but I think it's perfectly acceptable to feel what you're feeling. Your healthy child doesn't negate your current struggles.

[Jalapeñomel]

I know I'm totally an internet stranger to you guys, but I really needed to read this today.

Thank you all for your kind words.

And I'm so sorry so many of us are struggling.

[HoneySpider]

((Jalapeñomel))

[loira]

I'm late to the party, but I second Adora Belle Dearheart's suggestion of poking around TTTC. I didn't have typical infertility problems, and wasn't really pursuing treatment aside from an RPL panel, but they were incredibly supportive and welcomed me without hesitation. There are women on there experiencing secondary infertility, too. Huge hugs to you.