How to handle this "bully"

[birdmom]

I use quotation marks because I don't really consider this terrible bullying behavior, and I don't like to call kids jerks, although I think his behavior is more of a jerky behavior, not a bully behavior. 

DS is 6 and plays soccer with 1st and 2nd graders.  He just started and he knows a few kids on his team.  When they were running around the field, this random kid that DS doesn't know was running next to him and told him he was slow (they were both right in the middle of the kids running, so neither fast nor slow).  He came over to me at water break with crocodile tears in his eyes and told me, I just told him to ignore him.  Who cares what he thinks.

Then at the game on Saturday, they all had juice boxes and were sitting on the bench.  The kid said something like, bet you can't get your straw in your juice box, or something like that and started making baby sounds at him (I have no idea where this is coming from - he can open a juice box just fine and pretty much acts his age).  I told him to just move to a different seat on the bench, but he's a rule follower and they're not supposed to move around on the bench, so he won't move.  

He likes playing soccer, but doesn't look forward to playing because he has to be around this kid.  I told him to just ignore him and go somewhere else when he's around.  He has no idea who this kid is, has never had any interaction with him before.  What can I tell him to say to this kid when he says something like that to him?  I don't want to get involved, I want him to be able to use this as a learning experience in how to handle people like this.

[calamity]

We've dealt with a few instances like this. We did what you said, talked to our kid and told him to stay away from the 'bully'

We turned it into a lesson that there may always be people like that around, but it's how you react that matters. (I work with some bullies, and have talked about my interactions and reactions to them).

It sucks though, I'm sorry.

[isabel]

I think your kid is young enough for you to involve yourself. By that, I mean you approach the coach and let him/her know what's going on. Coach can then have a chat with the entire team about being kind with teammates and that if there is a problem, the kids can talk to him/her about it.

I don't think you need to tell the coach to keep the boys separated, but he's still navigating how to address things like this. He may just need an extra push from the adult in charge to help him address this issue.

[jaycee]

☹️ I feel for your ds. How hard.

I would tell my son to say "I feel bad when you talk to me like that. Stop." Body language and tone of voice matter so practice and role play. I'd also try to empower my son by saying you dont deserve to be treated like that and you don't ever treat others that way.

If it continues I would tell your ds to tell the coach what is going on. I'm glad you're not getting involved. Doesn't seem like it is to that step yet.

[dottyblue]

This IS bullying behavior, even if mild. This kid is picking on your DS and making him tear up with zero provocation.

I would instruct your DS to loudly say "Please stop!" and move away. You also need to notify the coach that this is going on. Your DS may not be the only kid being bullied and the coaches need to be aware before it escalates.

[cleo29]

If I overheard it, I would say something to the kid. I have no problem with that just as I would scold my child for doing the same. Encourage your son to stand up for himself and then to remove himself from the situation if he can.

[birdmom]

Sept 12, 2017 10:23:27 GMT -5 cleo29 said:

If I overheard it, I would say something to the kid. I have no problem with that just as I would scold my child for doing the same. Encourage your son to stand up for himself and then to remove himself from the situation if he can.

If I heard it, I would definitely say something.  It seems like he waits until there's no adults around to hear.  

[cleo29]

Sept 12, 2017 10:28:38 GMT -5 birdmom said:

Sept 12, 2017 10:23:27 GMT -5 cleo29 said:

If I overheard it, I would say something to the kid. I have no problem with that just as I would scold my child for doing the same. Encourage your son to stand up for himself and then to remove himself from the situation if he can.

If I heard it, I would definitely say something.  It seems like he waits until there's no adults around to hear.  

Sneaky little kid. I would work on helping your son stand up for himself. Not saying it will solve everything, but I think it is a good skill, for lack of a better term, to have in life. My nearly 8 year old is better at than I am. lol

From there, talk with the coach if things are not getting better. When it comes to people being mean to each other, I don't worry about stepping on toes. This kind of stuff has to be addressed or the person thinks this is just how they can treat people and face no consequences.

[W.T.Faulkner]

I'd mention it to the coach ("Hey, My son came home and said that ___________ was saying _______________________________ to him and he was pretty upset. Just wanted to keep you in the loop.") Then, the coach can be extra vigilant for it. Were I the coach, I'd want to know if this little asshole is making other kids not enjoy soccer.

As for your son, I'd just tell him to try to ignore the little asshole the best that he can. This might be one of those things that the little asshole stops if he doesn't get the reaction he wants. If that doesn't work, he should tell him to stop, and if that doesn't work, it's time to tell the coach.

[Crystal]

That kid is a jerk. If you don't want to call him that, I will.

[compassrose]

I may be in the minority here, but I'd tell him to reply in a way that's totally calm and like the kid said something totally nonsensical. "I have no idea what you are talking about. I'm running with everyone else." or "I have no idea what you are talking about. I just opened my juice box the same as you." and then refuse to engage any further. Raise an eyebrow if he can and anything more is said.
Shows he's not someone who can be picked on while (hopefully) not escalating the situation.

[birdmom]

cleo29, I want him to be able to stand up for himself, and be good at it. I'm having a hard time telling him how to handle it, because what I would say to someone who is ignorant to me, as an adult, is totally different than what I would expect him to say...haha! I think if I can get him to understand that it's okay to say "leave me alone" or "that isn't nice" and then to just move away, that eventually the kid would get it. But I don't want him to move on from my son to go give another kid a hard time.

[Aloe Vera]

Sept 12, 2017 10:21:05 GMT -5 jaycee said:

☹️ I feel for your ds. How hard.

I would tell my son to say "I feel bad when you talk to me like that. Stop." Body language and tone of voice matter so practice and role play. I'd also try to empower my son by saying you dont deserve to be treated like that and you don't ever treat others that way.

If it continues I would tell your ds to tell the coach what is going on. I'm glad you're not getting involved. Doesn't seem like it is to that step yet.

I would not use the bolded because kids don't care about empathy much. This might encourage the bully even more because he is trying to make your son feel bad. 
I would practice a few lines with your son.
- Bully: you're slow!
- Your son: mind your own running (and ignore)
- Bully: you can't get the straw inside the juice box!
- Your son: mind your own juice box (and ignore)

Once the bully realizes the only thing he is going to get from your son is indifference instead of fear or tears, he might stop.
If this doesn't work, definitely talk to the coach.  

[birdmom]

Sept 12, 2017 10:34:57 GMT -5 W.T.Faulkner said:

I'd mention it to the coach ("Hey, My son came home and said that ___________ was saying _______________________________ to him and he was pretty upset. Just wanted to keep you in the loop.") Then, the coach can be extra vigilant for it. Were I the coach, I'd want to know if this little asshole is making other kids not enjoy soccer.

As for your son, I'd just tell him to try to ignore the little asshole the best that he can. This might be one of those things that the little asshole stops if he doesn't get the reaction he wants. If that doesn't work, he should tell him to stop, and if that doesn't work, it's time to tell the coach.

This is what I was thinking.  If he just ignores it and doesn't react, he might just stop.  I need to find out the kid's name, first of all!  We have no clue who this kid is!  I'm going to have DS point him out specifically to me this week, because by the time he said something to me, I couldn't identify him.  A lot of kids with brown hair around four feet tall on the team!  

[mrs.jacinthe]

As a child who was bullied, ignoring it or you going directly to the coach won't work. Bullies feed off that stuff.

I'd go with teaching your kid to say something like "that's not true, why would you say that?" and move away. I'd also talk to the coach and explain what you've told your kid to do so that if they see your kid moving away from this other kid, they can react accordingly versus hollering at your kid for moving.

[Deleted]

I don't have kids so take this with a grain of salt, but this kid isn't a "bully." He's a bully. If he's what, 6 or 7 now, he will only get worse as he gets older. I would tell my kid to look at him, make eye contact, raise an eyebrow, and keep moving. Or pop off an IDGAF one-liner like some others have suggested. Show the bully he's indifferent. Don't tell bully it hurts his feelings, that will only encourage him. Bullies generally won't bother anyone they know isn't affected by their bullying.

[zoomzoom]

Sept 12, 2017 10:55:47 GMT -5 downtonali said:

I don't have kids so take this with a grain of salt, but this kid isn't a "bully." He's a bully. If he's what, 6 or 7 now, he will only get worse as he gets older. I would tell my kid to look at him, make eye contact, raise an eyebrow, and keep moving. Or pop off an IDGAF one-liner like some others have suggested. Show the bully he's indifferent. Don't tell bully it hurts his feelings, that will only encourage him. Bullies generally won't bother anyone they know isn't affected by their bullying.

I agree with all of this and especially the bolded.  Bullies pick on people that allow themselves to be bullied.  I've seen it with kids, I've seen it with adults.  As soon as you stand up to a bully, they back down.  I would teach your kid to stand up for himself and tell him a kid version of fuck off.

[Que?]

Sept 12, 2017 10:46:34 GMT -5 mrs.jacinthe said:

As a child who was bullied, ignoring it or you going directly to the coach won't work. Bullies feed off that stuff.

I'd go with teaching your kid to say something like "that's not true, why would you say that?" and move away. I'd also talk to the coach and explain what you've told your kid to do so that if they see your kid moving away from this other kid, they can react accordingly versus hollering at your kid for moving.

This is exactly how I handle these situations. Kids are jerks, even our own kids sometimes. I have a girl, and they're so mean already. When she tells me these things, I react how I want her to react. I say things like 'why would she say that? It makes no sense' or 'we both know that isn't true' and laugh like it's just silly. I also approach coaches/teachers the same way (although only as a last resort). I let them know how we've chosen to handle it so that they know there's an issue but that I don't expect them to solve it.

This kind of thing will happen over and over, and while bullying is serious and needs to be dealt with, we also need to arm our kids with the tools to deflect it, and to process the emotions that come with it. At this age I'm super vigilant that she isn't internalizing this mean girl bullshit and repeating the behaviour, so I focus on how she's feeling and how she can be a leader in not allowing other kids to be made to feel that way also, at her doing or someone else's.

[birdmom]

Sept 12, 2017 11:05:04 GMT -5 zoomzoom said:

Sept 12, 2017 10:55:47 GMT -5 downtonali said:

I don't have kids so take this with a grain of salt, but this kid isn't a "bully." He's a bully. If he's what, 6 or 7 now, he will only get worse as he gets older. I would tell my kid to look at him, make eye contact, raise an eyebrow, and keep moving. Or pop off an IDGAF one-liner like some others have suggested. Show the bully he's indifferent. Don't tell bully it hurts his feelings, that will only encourage him. Bullies generally won't bother anyone they know isn't affected by their bullying.

I agree with all of this and especially the bolded.  Bullies pick on people that allow themselves to be bullied.  I've seen it with kids, I've seen it with adults.  As soon as you stand up to a bully, they back down.  I would teach your kid to stand up for himself and tell him a kid version of fuck off.

What is a good kid version of fuck off?  That's what I've been trying to come up with, but all I come up with is fuck off...haha!

[zoomzoom]

birdmom, bahahaha...yet another reason I don't have kids. I'd be tempted to tell my kid to say just that. But it would probably be frowned upon by the other parents. Ha. It sure would startle the kid, though. Lol.

[birdmom]

Sept 12, 2017 11:10:52 GMT -5 zoomzoom said:

birdmom , bahahaha...yet another reason I don't have kids. I'd be tempted to tell my kid to say just that. But it would probably be frowned upon by the other parents. Ha. It sure would startle the kid, though. Lol.

I'm tempted to tell him to say it, too, as I think it would only take once.  I doubt that other parents would appreciate it, however, so I might stick to "mind your own business"...haha!

[Deleted]

Sept 12, 2017 11:07:22 GMT -5 birdmom said:

Sept 12, 2017 11:05:04 GMT -5 zoomzoom said:

I agree with all of this and especially the bolded.  Bullies pick on people that allow themselves to be bullied.  I've seen it with kids, I've seen it with adults.  As soon as you stand up to a bully, they back down.  I would teach your kid to stand up for himself and tell him a kid version of fuck off.

What is a good kid version of fuck off?  That's what I've been trying to come up with, but all I come up with is fuck off...haha!

Whatever. Bless your heart.  I know you are but what am I.  

[CrazyLucky]

I'm a coach. At this age, my goal is to teach the basic fundamentals of the game and for every kid to have fun. If a kid is not having fun because he or she is getting picked on, I want to try to address it. I would hate for a kid to be turned off of sports because of some other mean kid.
My DS is 7 and super sensitive to things like this. I hope you all can find a good solution.

[onomatopoeia]

Sept 12, 2017 11:24:22 GMT -5 downtonali said:

Sept 12, 2017 11:07:22 GMT -5 birdmom said:

What is a good kid version of fuck off?  That's what I've been trying to come up with, but all I come up with is fuck off...haha!

Whatever. Bless your heart.  I know you are but what am I.  

Yep.  This is a perfect time to teach your kid the proper and effective use of a good "Whatever" accompanied by an eye-roll.

When DS was a little older DH told him to say "Cool story, bro" and walk away.  

TBH I've never liked telling kids to ignore other kids who are being jerks.  I guess there's a time and place for it, but I also think kids need to be taught early on that they should stand up to jerks (even if it's just by calling attention to the jerky behavior with a sarcastic word or phrase).

[TR]

Sept 12, 2017 11:07:22 GMT -5 birdmom said:

Sept 12, 2017 11:05:04 GMT -5 zoomzoom said:

I agree with all of this and especially the bolded.  Bullies pick on people that allow themselves to be bullied.  I've seen it with kids, I've seen it with adults.  As soon as you stand up to a bully, they back down.  I would teach your kid to stand up for himself and tell him a kid version of fuck off.

What is a good kid version of fuck off?  That's what I've been trying to come up with, but all I come up with is fuck off...haha!

When I was a kid it was, "what-EVER" complete with eye roll (or hair flip if you were a girl.) it's the ultimate indifference which is what bullies hate. 

[emoflamingo]

Sept 12, 2017 11:40:36 GMT -5 onomatopoeia said:

Sept 12, 2017 11:24:22 GMT -5 downtonali said:

Whatever. Bless your heart.  I know you are but what am I.  

Yep.  This is a perfect time to teach your kid the proper and effective use of a good "Whatever" accompanied by an eye-roll.

When DS was a little older DH told him to say "Cool story, bro" and walk away.  

TBH I've never liked telling kids to ignore other kids who are being jerks.  I guess there's a time and place for it, but I also think kids need to be taught early on that they should stand up to jerks (even if it's just by calling attention to the jerky behavior with a sarcastic word or phrase).

"So?" "And?" Or "okay?" are my DS' go to phrases. I told him it's okay to tell an adult if he's really bothered by it but no reaction is the best reaction to someone trying to bully. He had one a few years ago in early elementary who tried and gave up before I felt like I needed to intervene.

[turtle1120]

Last year I had my DD use the phrase, "Talk to the hand cuz the face aint listening." At first I told her just to tell the kid to shut up....not as bad as fuck off....but she was afraid she'd get in trouble for saying that. She was in kindergarten then.

[Mrs. ChanandlerBong]

Is there any possibility that this kid is the coach's son?

definitely work with your kid on replying in a confident manner. I think :whatever, why do you care, good thing I don't care what you think, etc. are good no swearing ways to say it.

[zoomzoom]

Sept 12, 2017 11:59:15 GMT -5 emoflamingo said:

"So?" "And?" Or "okay?" are my DS' go to phrases. I told him it's okay to tell an adult if he's really bothered by it but no reaction is the best reaction to someone trying to bully. He had one a few years ago in early elementary who tried and gave up before I felt like I needed to intervene.

I think those are perfect.  

[birdmom]

Sept 12, 2017 12:51:42 GMT -5 Mrs. ChanandlerBong said:

Is there any possibility that this kid is the coach's son?

definitely work with your kid on replying in a confident manner. I think :whatever, why do you care, good thing I don't care what you think, etc. are good no swearing ways to say it.

No, it's neither of the coaches kids.  I think I'm going to try to promote the "whatever" response, it seems like it might work in this situation.