Is your child nice to his/her sibling?

[traveltheworld]

I'm an only child and DH and his brother have a weird relationship, so this is somewhat uncharted territory for me.

DS is 5 and DD is 2.5.  I feel like DS doesn't care much about his sister.  He never actively hurts her and plays with her reasonably frequently, but he bugs her all the time - small stuff: like takes her toys, brushes her hear, lightly bumps into her; just stuff that he knows she doesn't like that would get a rise out of her.  I know that's pretty typical, but what troubles me is that he also doesn't seem to be concerned when she is genuinely upset/hurt.  It's like he doesn't remember that she is a person that needs comfort or help from time to time as well.  If she bumps her head and is crying, he just goes on playing.  On the other hand, DD adores him and would do anything for him.  She is always fetching him stuff, sharing her snacks, etc.  I feel like he is just taking advantage of her without reciprocating.  It upsets me.  I've read lots of parenting books/articles on this topic and have tried all the things that have been suggested - giving DS dedicated one on one time, lots of praise, never comparing, giving them time/opportunity to bond, etc.; but nothing has really helped so far.  Lately I've just been demanding that he acts nice, but even that is hard, because how do you demand genuine compassion?

Are my expectations just too high?

[mommyatty]

I don't think they are. What works with DD, also 5, is making a really big deal out of how it's her job as a big sister to protect her little brother. She's really into rules and responsibility, so that is what resonates with her.

She still does stuff to pick on him (takes his toys, points out in a snotty voice when she wins and he doesn't, etc), but she is also fiercely protective of him. Like he fell at our 5K, and she came running back when she heard him cry and walked/ran slowly with him the rest of the race.

[k3am]

DD (4.5) is in love with her brother (16 months). I'd say 95% of the time, she's very good to him, but at the same point, I feel like we got pretty lucky here.

But I do wonder if we'd have the same dynamic if it were an older brother/little sister situation.

[loskadoodle]

I have 2 boys and my older one def takes advantage of the younger one. (5&3) but my younger one is also and instigator. They fight. A lot.

[xctsclrx]

It could be that he doesn't understand that she is a person like him too. How does he treat other kids his age and younger?

My little LOVES his older brothers. The oldest is great to him and I think really cares about him. My middle is just now starting to see him as a person and someone to care about and he is 10 years older.

[leap]

I think that picking on each other, arguing over toys, and other little things is typical sibling behavior. My girls are 2 years apart in age and they play really, really well together for the most part. They can just kind of disappear upstairs and we won't hear much from them for hours. DD1 can be kind of bossy and sometime she needs time to herself and DD2 doesn't always get that. Last weekend we showed up about 15 minutes early to pick DD1 up at a birthday party (it was at our dance studio) and DD1 insisted that DD2 come join them during the freeze dance. She even helped her find party accessories (hats, glove, feather boa) that the other girls were wearing. One time DD2 asked if she could take an extra party favor home for her sister. Things like that make my heart happy and makes me believe they really love each other.

[sdlaura]

My kids love the baby, but the two older ones fight a lot. DD just turned 5 and DS is 3.5 - they're 17 months apart. That said, they are really protective of each other when dealing with other people.

[ilovelucyvv]

My kids are 4 and 2 and they fight hard and a lot. But then they are hugging and sharing and talking about how much they love eachother a few minutes after every fight. I've come to accept this behavior and don't try too hard to change it.

[mae0111]

Nope.

Well, that's not entirely true. Yesterday, they came home and played nicely together for about an hour. I hated to interrupt them to get DD1 to start her homework. But most days they fight CONSTANTLY. Sometimes bickering, sometimes it gets physical. I have to step in then - though DD1 is literally twice the size of DD2, DD2 is waaaay tougher.

Sometimes I make myself their common enemy so that they will get along for a little while. I hope they grow out of it.

[campermom]

DS1 (8) and DD (6) Fight frequently but they both absolutely adore DS2 (2). I mean they are both extremely patient and kind and loving even when he is being a toddler. I wish they would extend that patience to each other. Maybe one day.

[sunbutter]

Have you tried to enlist DS to help with DD? Make it seem really important that he help you help her?

I won the lottery with my kids in terms of their chemistry and empathy towards one another. It seemed to come natural to DS when DD was born. They are four years apart but absolutely best friends. They insist on sleeping in the same room, have since she left her crib. They attend the same school, play with each other when they have overlapping recesses and spend extended care together. He goes to her faster than I do most times when she is upset. It is going to be rough on DD (5) when DS (9) decides it is not cool to hang out with his little sister. My brother and I were completely opposite and barely have a relationship today, so I am not sure what drives it.

[traveltheworld]

Sept 21, 2017 20:43:12 GMT -5 sunbutter said:

Have you tried to enlist DS to help with DD? Make it seem really important that he help you help her?

I won the lottery with my kids in terms of their chemistry and empathy towards one another. It seemed to come natural to DS when DD was born. They are four years apart but absolutely best friends. They insist on sleeping in the same room, have since she left her crib. They attend the same school, play with each other when they have overlapping recesses and spend extended care together. He goes to her faster than I do most times when she is upset. It is going to be rough on DD (5) when DS (9) decides it is not cool to hang out with his little sister. My brother and I were completely opposite and barely have a relationship today, so I am not sure what drives it.

That's just it. DS seems totally disinterested in helping DD. They don't actually fight that much and play well together for the most part. It's just that I think DS is only nice to DD when he needs her / for example, he hates going to the washroom by himself, so he always asks DD to go with him and would bring a little stool for her to sit on while she watches him poo. He then talks to her patiently, sings with her and is generally nice to her because he wants her to stay there. But he seldom does that otherwise.

I'd say he is pretty nice and considerate with his friends. He would see something in the store and ask if we could buy it because he knows his best friend likes that, or he'd save snacks for his friends because he knows the other child enjoys them. It just doesn't extend to DD and I don't know why.

[justcheckingin73]

My kids are 6 years apart and DD is a full-on teenager so it’s touch and go. She has shown a variety of interest over the years, from not interested at all to almost being a 2nd mom. They get along most of the time but she has been mean to him in the past. It’s been a struggle for sure but I hope seeing them get along means that someday they will. DS has been/can be tough to get along with so I don’t blame her but I also wonder where I went wrong when they don’t get along. DS loves her and wants more than anything to be included in her world. It seriously makes his day when she plays with him.

I think it’s important to point out when they are being mean because sometimes they’re so caught up in their world, they don’t realize it. There was one time my DD did something that truly hurt DS. I can’t remember what it was but I could tell from his cry that he wasn’t physically hurt, he was emotionally hurt. I made sure to tell her and she apologized to him without promoting. I could tell she felt bad and I think it opened her eyes a bit to how much she can hurt him.

I feel like that’s a lot of word vomit but I do understand where you’re coming from.

[xctsclrx]

Sept 21, 2017 23:21:18 GMT -5 traveltheworld said:

Sept 21, 2017 20:43:12 GMT -5 sunbutter said:

Have you tried to enlist DS to help with DD? Make it seem really important that he help you help her?

I won the lottery with my kids in terms of their chemistry and empathy towards one another. It seemed to come natural to DS when DD was born. They are four years apart but absolutely best friends. They insist on sleeping in the same room, have since she left her crib. They attend the same school, play with each other when they have overlapping recesses and spend extended care together. He goes to her faster than I do most times when she is upset. It is going to be rough on DD (5) when DS (9) decides it is not cool to hang out with his little sister. My brother and I were completely opposite and barely have a relationship today, so I am not sure what drives it.

That's just it. DS seems totally disinterested in helping DD. They don't actually fight that much and play well together for the most part. It's just that I think DS is only nice to DD when he needs her / for example, he hates going to the washroom by himself, so he always asks DD to go with him and would bring a little stool for her to sit on while she watches him poo. He then talks to her patiently, sings with her and is generally nice to her because he wants her to stay there. But he seldom does that otherwise.

I'd say he is pretty nice and considerate with his friends. He would see something in the store and ask if we could buy it because he knows his best friend likes that, or he'd save snacks for his friends because he knows the other child enjoys them. It just doesn't extend to DD and I don't know why.

It sounds like he just doesn't see DD has his equal yet. He is nice to her, but kind of treats her like a toy or pet? Doesn't mind hanging out with her, but only on his terms. He is five and she is 2.5. I would guess that sometime in the next 2-3 years this will change. She will find her voice and have her own life outside of DS. As she is talking more and catching up to  him developmentally he will start treating her as a friend. (not a professional by any means just my personal opinion here) He is not hurting her, pushing her or trying to hurt her feelings so it doesn't sound like he hates her. 

[welly01]

DS is almost 5 and DD is 2. It's hit or miss whether they are being nice to each other. They will play nicely as long as DD is cooperating with whatever game/task DS is doing. But as soon as she starts doing things her way, he throws a fit. Sometimes on the ride home from daycare, he will hold her hand in the car. Then the next day he is screaming at her to stop talking/singing/making noise. Sometimes he is genuinely mean to her like pinching, snatching toys, etc. but she's getting to the age that she can dish out the same.

[Covergirl82]

My kids are older brother/younger sister. I do recall around age 4-5 that sometimes DS would deliberately bump into DD. He doesn't do it anymore, so I feel like it was an age thing, where he was testing her reaction/our reaction (if we caught him doing it, he would try to be sly about it)/what happened to DD when he bumped into to. Generally, they get along, but sometimes they do things just to irritate the other person (e.g., make an irritating sound). I feel like because they are 1.5 years apart, DS doesn't remember life without a sister, so he doesn't necessarily feel as jealous of her as some siblings do. (Such as my older sister who resented when I was born because it meant she was no longer the center of attention.) When they are being mean to each other, I sometimes like to remind them that the other person is the only sibling they will have, so they need to be kind to each other and support each other.

[mustardseed2007]

DS has gotten nicer to DD as she became more of a kid and less of a toddler. Before that he kind of ignored her like your son does your daughter.

At this point, he does likes to play with her, but also gets really jealous when she gets individual attention, and he really REALLY doesn't like her touching her stuff. By the same token, she loves grabbing his toys and saying they're hers, so it's not like she doesn't instigate.

She really admires him, though, and he'll talk her up to other people.

Plus, if she gets hurt he will immediately say sorry or try to make her feel better. Although TBH I think he's also worried about getting in trouble for hurting her.

[mae0111]

Wanted to post a quick anecdote to show DDs' love/hate relationship. They were playing nicely, then DD2 was cheering DD1 on in her soccer game earlier. DD1 left on her scooter when she got home, came back with one of her friends that lives up the street. Instantly mean to her little sister.

The last straw was when I heard DD1 tell DD2 to head outside to play, and that she and her friend would just put on their shoes and be right there. DD2 ran outside happily, preparing to play whatever game they'd promised her, while DD1 and her friend ran down to the basement to play quietly. After a few minutes, DD2 asked me where they were, and I told her. She understood what happened, and her little face fell. It crushed me. DD1 knows she was wrong, but doesn't really care much. She was way more concerned with impressing her friend.

[traveltheworld]

mae0111, that's sucky. I'm sorry. I guess all we can do is keep trying to help them get along.

[HeartofCheese]

What you described sounds totally normal. Mine go back and forth. Sometimes they play together really well and are "bestfriends!" But they know exactly how to bug the other. Sometimes it's for fun, sometimes it's mean. Sometimes they hit, scratch, and bite. Sometimes they care, most times it's all about the toy they want to play with...

I would just keep pushing the empathy lesson and make sure your DD feels protected. I think that's just as important as teaching DS not to hurt. Then when DD starts fake crying to get her brother in trouble, write back!

[waverly]

Hmmm. DS loves/ tolerates his sister. She annoys him a lot. They get in moods where they find some very tiny random thing to fight about just so they can fight.

Yes lots of fake crying from DD so she can get attention.

They also sometimes play really nice to each other. And she loves him so much.

Maybe I am slacking but I haven't really promoted play dates with any of them. The neighbor girl has come over and played sometimes. So they are basically each other's playmates all weekend except for breaks when one goes to sports or different classes at church or one goes to Boy Scouts or if we get together with another family. So it's a lot of together time, so we do try to break it up a little.

I am wondering if I am slacking by not dropping him off at other people's houses of having kids over as a drop off, but then part of me is glad too to have this time just with them. I was doing sleepovers at 6 but had an older sibling, so it was like her sleepover and then they brought their sister.

Kind of going in a different direction, but do people have a lot of drop off play dates? 7 year old boy and 4 year old girl.

[twinmomma]

mae0111, My sister and I used to be like that. We're 3.5 years apart, which was just enough for her to be my super annoying little sister at some ages. But it all evened out as we got older, made our own friends and got breaks from each other, and now we're really close. We talk every day and hang out all the time.

[mellym]

I think it's a combination of age and personality. We have two girls and they're 5.5 and almost 3. They are both sensitive to feelings so seem to really care about how the other feels and always want to know where the sister is or what she's doing. Most of the time our 3 year old is content just doing whatever her older sister wants. They do fight pretty much every day - she got the purple cup, that's my book, I wanted that step stool, etc. When they're fighting neither really cares about the others' feelings as long as they get what they want in the end.

I try to overemphasize emotions and let them know it's okay to express their feelings and explain what someone else is feeling, why they're acting that way, etc. Just try to make them mindful of people's emotions and feelings from their actions. You're angry at your sister for xyz but it's important that we take turns so everyone has fun. We had my nephew and baby niece over yesterday and the baby was sitting on the floor crying. DD2 looked at me and asked why she's sad and crying. I said because she misses her mommy, do you want to find some toys for her? She got a bunch of toys for her and one of her blankies to make her feel better. I don't know how much of it is talking about how to make someone feel better or she's just a natural caregiver. My nephew wants nothing to do with his sister.

waverly, we haven't done any drop off play dates yet. I don't feel like I get to see the kids much during the week so I usually want to be with them on weekends. We have lots of neighbor kids that they play with every day but it's outside and not in each other's houses. I think that may change this winter as DD1 is getting older and everyone hibernates in their homes.

[186momx]

waverly, DD is 6 and we haven't done drop off play dates with kids from school. I want to know the parents a little before I leave DD at someone's house. Now she has done play date/babysitting with some of the girls from her gymnastics class but then I sit and talk with these mom's twice a week, LOL.

DD is an only so no current sibling advice. But I remember that my siblings and I got along great at some times and other times we fought like crazy but if anyone else tried to fight with us we all banded together with a united front. My sister is 10 years younger and I didn't like the the baby/toddler/young kid age at all because as a tween/teen I hated having my little sister following me around everywhere and how much I heard how cute and adorable she is. I had a bad case of green with envy thing going on with my sister for a long time. My brother and I got along great until the tween/teenage years and my sister being born kind of messed things up. My brother and I are almost 3 years apart. Mr brother is the first person I call if I want straight talk/opinion

[vvvvvfee]

we struggle with this as well. DS1 is 5 and DS2 is 2. DS1 does a lot of shoving/roughly pushing DS2 out of the way, and grabbing stuff out of his hands and making him cry. but other times he is super-nice and wipes DS2's boogery nose for him, comforts him if he's crying, gives him rides on his big wheels, etc. the books all recommend "emotion coaching" the older sibling through it ("you're so frustrated right now because your brother has your toy...") but honestly this has never worked well for us with DS1. lately we've been reminding him that he can ask for alone time away from DS2 if he's interfering with whatever he's trying to do. we're also trying to do lots of praising when he does something nice for DS2. one of the times i mentioned this to our pediatrician (him being rough with DS2), she said try to save the yelling/exclaiming for when you really mean it-- like DS1 is doing something that might really cause injury. basically, pushing and grabbing toys is mean but not likely to physically hurt DS2, so try to let it go and praise the good stuff. i'm also trying my hardest not to overly praise/act cutesy with DS2 around DS1. he honestly notices stuff like, "how come you said [whatever] in a cute voice when you were tucking him in and not me?" and of course the alone time with DS1.

i didn't grow up with any siblings, and there is a big age gap between DH and his (older) sisters, so neither of us is familiar with this kind of sibling bickering. but everything i've heard leads me to believe that it's pretty much par for the course, unfortunately. it does seem to be improving slightly as DS1 gets older, at least in the sense that he does more NICE stuff for DS2, even if he is still rough with him sometimes. but it is rough.

[leap]

waverly, my 7 year old (2nd grade) has had occasional drop-off play dates since Kindergarten, but primarily she plays with other girls in our neighborhood that she knows from school. Sometimes these are pre-arranged play dates, but often one of the girls will ride her bike over to see if she can play. They usually will include DD2, which is really nice.

DD2 is 5 (Kindergarten) and hasn't really done drop-off play dates yet, but I cou ld see that changing this year.