Can I talk something out? (serious relationship/moving in)

[Deleted]

I've touched on this in some randoms posts but I sort of need to talk it out and see if what I'm feeling is somewhat normal?

I'm in my first serious relationship since my marriage ended 7 years ago. Its with someone I've dated off and on for a period of 5 years. We both finally got our shit together, timing ended up right, and we've realized we really want to be together. We have some growing pains, but overall they've made us stronger and I'm really really happy. He complements my personality, accepts me good and bad, and we have so much fun together. I'm definitely falling in love with him (even typing that out makes me uncomfortable). See I was never really in love with my ex husband and spent most of the relationship trying to find an out. We got engaged super quickly (6 months when I was 23) and while there were good times he was a nutter.

For any of you have followed my tedious journey of singledom I was always convinced I'd never find love, blah, blah. Also I had a ton of mental health shit to work out and can safely say I've been a very mentally healthy person for about year. But now that I find myself in love for the first time, it's almost uncomfortable? Like I don't know what to do in this space. I'm not living in fear that I'm begin ghosted and assimilating to taking another person into consideration is hard. Not that I mind, but again it's just...weird? I don't think most people go through these emotions for the first time at 35 so my friends are having a hard time relating. 

Anyways we've decided we'll move in together in April (my lease is up) and I'm equal parts so happy/excited, and also terrified/sad. I've built a really awesome single life for myself and moving in with someone will have some tradeoffs and adjustments. He's being amazing and is giving me the basement (it's mostly finished with a bathroom and bedroom) to make entirely my own. I can bring in my sofa and set up a mini living room. I get to keep my bed and girly bedding as the guest room (or if I just want my own space), my own bathroom so I never have to feel like all my crap is everywhere. He knows and understands having personal space that is "mine" is important. 

Anyways kind of a brain dump, any one have any sage advice? Is this totally not normal and I should be concerned?

[gault]

I'm still at work but will respond when I get home. Short answer: you're not alone

[cuddlyevil]

It's normal. If he's adjusting for your need for alone time then you'll be fine.

It might feel uncomfortable because you've not been in a relationship in a while (and a healthy one at that!). You have time and from what you've said he's understanding, so if you keep communitating everything will be okay.

[Deleted]

Thanks ladies! My friends are like "why don't you want to move in right away? just break your lease!" And...then I hyperventilate lol. This makes me feel better:)

[doriswe]

I don't think any of that is abnormal, especially having sort of placed yourself in the 'gonna just be single' category for quite a while. I think this is just where you guys agree to communicate about stuff and expectations and all that jazz.

[udscoobychick]

Totally normal. I was also reluctant to move in with DH, even though we were already spending every night together, because I was nervous giving up having my own space, arranged and decorated the way I want. And moving in with him meant I no longer had a back-up plan (i.e. my house), which was also nerve-wracking. DH told me to re-arrange the kitchen however I wanted, which helped, since that's probably the room that I spend the most time in lol. Maybe a year later, we built our bed, so that was nice to have something that was "ours," not "yours" or "mine," and I picked out the bedding. The best was when we re-did the basement, though, because we did that together and designed it together, so it's really the only space in the house that is truly a reflection of both of us. It's a big step, so it's normal to be nervous.

[starburst604]

Just popping in to say that I'm happy for you @pdx18! (And yes it sounds normal)

[doglove]

I share these struggles as well having lived alone for the past 3+ years doing my own thing. I feel like all these things/feelings are completely normal. There are pros and cons to being single and pros and cons to being in a relationship. It's just the way it is.

I'll tell you how I am trying to tackle my thoughts as I am about to move in with A in November. I know from my experience in life that not everything is a guarantee and sometimes, things don't work out. Sometimes they do though! If you don't take the risk, you'll never know. If you move in with this person and you don't end up being happy or you discover it's not what you want - you have the option to change your mind at any time. That's what I have realized from my divorce. I don't have to live my life unhappy with someone. I can leave. That option is there because I have myself. It sounds like you have worked hard to have that as well and I think that's a pretty darn good security blanket for yourself.

[chalupa]

Completely normal. M moved in with me after about a year of dating. While I was super excited (and let's be honest - he was already spending all his nights at my place anyway), I had a ton of feelings about giving up my space, my privacy, etc. I'm a bad sharer. Turns out M was/is completely understanding about that, and happily gives me any space I need. That's why he's a keeper

[doglove]

Sept 28, 2017 8:26:16 GMT -5 chalupa said:

Completely normal. M moved in with me after about a year of dating. While I was super excited (and let's be honest - he was already spending all his nights at my place anyway), I had a ton of feelings about giving up my space, my privacy, etc. I'm a bad sharer. Turns out M was/is completely understanding about that, and happily gives me any space I need. That's why he's a keeper

I feel like this is so so important when one/both of you is/are introverted. I've had relationships before where people didn't understand this need to be alone and recharge and of course it didn't work out. 

[bullygirl979]

TOTALLY NORMAL.

1) When you are in a shitty relationship, it can stay with you for a longgggg time. I *still* get twinges on super rare occasions. And, P has NEVER given me reason to distrust him. It is really just leftover crap from my marriage. Now I'm able to quickly tell myself that I'm being an ass, but when we first started dating, we really had to communicate and be honest with each other as we both struggled.

2) being sad about "losing" your space is also normal! I absolutely LOVE living with P. He is my best friend. However, I still celebrate when he goes away and I'm home alone. I love my own space, and I love alone time. This doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you or with your relationship.

[tiramisu]

I think it's weird that anyone would tell you to break your lease! Even jokingly. It sounds like you're adjusting to a new phase of your life and the good news is that you have about 6 months, if I did my math correctly, until it becomes reality so you do have that time to see how you both handle it and to adjust.

[chalupa]

Sept 28, 2017 8:38:25 GMT -5 doglove said:

Sept 28, 2017 8:26:16 GMT -5 chalupa said:

Completely normal. M moved in with me after about a year of dating. While I was super excited (and let's be honest - he was already spending all his nights at my place anyway), I had a ton of feelings about giving up my space, my privacy, etc. I'm a bad sharer. Turns out M was/is completely understanding about that, and happily gives me any space I need. That's why he's a keeper

I feel like this is so so important when one/both of you is/are introverted. I've had relationships before where people didn't understand this need to be alone and recharge and of course it didn't work out. 

No kidding. Both of us feel free to say "I just need to sit here and decompress for a bit" when needed. Or I run away to the barn for a few hours. I can't imagine being in a relationship where I can't unwind in my own way (well, can't imagine doing it anymore - I certainly didn't have that freedom with my XH). SaveSave

[Deleted]

Thanks ladies! This makes me feel SO much better. And yes I'm glad I have plenty of time and can do this slowly (also it will make the actual moving in process MUCH easier). We really aren't stay every night at the other person's place type of people, I stay there 2-3 nights a week, so maybe it's because it's a bigger leap (I'm sure that frequency will increase at some point, or maybe not. Our schedules are really different).

Actually I think moving in would be SO much better for our relationship because seeing each other during the week right now is hard, so most of our time is spent on weekends. If we lived together we'd get to see each other more regularly, while still maintaining our independent lives.