Gen X midlife crisis

[shakinros]

Did anyone read this article about Gen X women and midlife crises? I'm on the verge of an ugly cry on the train over it.

www.oprah.com/sp/new-midlife-crisis.html

[waverly]

I was just responding to it at the CEP board.

I have read Passages by Gail Sheehy, so I am a little familiar with some of the mid life stages and other stages too, so it wasn't a surprise.

Smashing the iPad is no surprise. People hold in anger and sometimes it comes out, and I don't recommend it especially that way, but it does happen. And its good to get anger out (in better ways).  And sometimes they feel better after. 

I haven't gone through perimenopause myself or a mid life crisis (not quite) but I know it's coming up soon-ish.

I think we call all relate to the exhaustion and overwhelm and some anger. Many people that I know are on antidepressants, so mental health is an issue as well.

I do understand the money issues and unstable feeling from divorce. I don't think H quite gets it because his parents are still together even though he saw the effects of divorce on other people- he didn't live through it like I did.

The high cost of living and wages not keeping pace is a big problem, and I think was something that people voted on last Nov. Jobs are mostly available now, but can we afford to live with the jobs that we have? Just like I don't understand what DH felt when he lost his job.

I do like my job, though so that helps a lot. It makes me feel stuck and in a rut, and like I can never leave, and I won't make the same money elsewhere, but I do like it. I did take the "cheese" idea and make it my career.

There are a few articles on the mental load. I've read a few articles on unpaid emotional labor, and I like the book Maxed Out. And we are still working more than men when you add in childcare and housework.

I was just looking at the self help books and thinking why do I have to do self help- one more chore. I do feel like I am somewhat running out of time maybe just with kids growing up rather than the expectation of dying or something like that.

Not mentioned in the article, but something I started to embrace is just the idea of Ambivalence. Just learning to live with different emotions and viewpoints and ideas of how to live your life, conflicting and simultaneous and messy. And emotions too- maybe with losing a baby and a special needs child- there are a lot of emotions just all at the same time. They have sort of ebbed, but in times like before a surgery or needing to buy hearing aids for example, those tumultuous emotions definitely arise and its not just one emotion. Its like 10 at a time.

And the other thing is that days are high and so low all at the same time, and not smooth usually. And then the days is like high low high low all over the place- comes with having kids.  Where before kids I would have good days and bad days.  Now I have good moments and bad moments. 

[2chatter]

Love that. It's affirming. Three things...off the top of my head because I have to rewrite a policy I don't understand and am already late to take the kids to dinner before the game - but can't extract myself from this article.

1) oh my gosh yes - women's happiness has declined relative to men's. We CAN have it all
and that still largely means we do it or at minimum manage it all. Thanks for "helping me" with the .... insert task that isn't my job because I have a vagina here.

2) HRT. Game effing on. People, this has changed my life. I sleep like a baby (the weird sleepwalking ended!!) and have energy and am pretty damn balanced. Magic and worth every penny and minute.

3) the voices are authentic. Especially the woman on the conference call dreaming of a cheese truck (I was dreaming of an office in which I can wear heels and clothes and talk to grown ups face to face but this is the "best for my family") and the woman who turned off "on this day" on FB. That is not just for the childless. That feature sometimes makes my heart hurt when I fall down the rabbit hole of what if.

And an extra - the looks. In Dallas I feel like so many people have work done I have no hope. It's crazy. But then again the last time someone mentioned my "milestone birthday" this year someone who knows me casually assumed 30, then guessed 35. Same happened in Cali. So I hope whatever that is holds out because I FOR SURE see instead the old lady in the reflection described in the article instead.

[justcheckingin73]

At 44, I am in the thick of this. I couldn’t even read the whole article because it was stressing me out. Today is a good example of some of the things they mentioned in the article. My day was mediocre at best. For some reason, I decided to ruminate about all of the cc debt I have and how long I’ve had it and how I keep spending and why am I such an idiot and I should really save more. Ugh. It’s overwhelming.

I have an annual checkup next week and I’m going to inquire about my hormones and ablation. The last doctor I went to (my regular doctor went part-time so I had to see someone else) was at least a decade younger than me and I had to wonder if she looked at me and assumed since I look younger than my age, that I couldn’t possibly be experiencing perimenopause. I felt a little pushed aside. This time, I made sure the doctor is older than me (I prefer experience when it comes to this) and I’ve got a list going of things I want to talk about.

I have also experienced the feeling of being the middle child as a Gen Xer. Everyone talks about the Baby Boomers and Millennials. We were raised by the generation of people who were supposed to be seen and not heard and I think because of that, we are OK with being “invisible” at times.

I don’t know the right answer but I’m reaching my limit of stressing out so much.

[supertrooper1]

I read this yesterday on the CEP board and it hit home. I'm often not considered Gen X although I relate more to Gen X than Millennial, and this article put me in Gen X.

I feel stuck in my job. Too late to start over and no place to go that would pay as much as my job does that would have better job satisfaction. There are similar jobs I could transfer to within my agency, but they don't have the law enforcement retirement where I could potentially retire at 50. I feel like I have to stick it out for 14 years instead of work for another 26 years to reach 62. I don't have any debt other than my mortgage and a car payment, but I always feel like I could be saving more. I definitely don't have a million dollars in my retirement account but it's good to know that even those people feel like they're not saving enough.

I have engaged in some behavior that some would call a midlife crisis. Most recently was getting purple highlights. Some have asked me why I did it and all I can come up with is "because I wanted to". My post from a couple months ago where I felt like I was sinking puts me there with the depressed and anxious Gen X'ers, enough that I started counseling.

It's great that people are talking about the problem, but what about solutions? It discussed where solutions are to go hiking, go to yoga, etc, but I sometimes feel like they mentioned in the article, it's one more thing I need to fit into my schedule and another thing to add to my to-do list.

[rere]

I so can relate. I have a job where there may or may not be any more upward mobility, but I can't afford to start over and get the same pay and benefits I've earned. I've already been a caregiver to a parent while raising young children, working, running a household. It is a complete nightmare. I constantly worry about saving back for college and retirement, I don't know if there is ever really enough. The more you make the more you need. One thing they don't mention is the constantness of parenting. Once dad was home, he was off. We played sports and mom was like, hop on your bike or find a ride, let me know when it's my turn. If they made a couple of games, they were scoring an A+. Now you practice every day, are not committed unless you play all year, travel and spend hundreds of dollars, we feel the need never miss anything. I've found myself eyeing my bottle of Xanax I use to fly lately, but don't want to get that started.

[waverly]

rere- my oldest in only 7, so I have been trying to hold off on sports stuff. I can't imagine having 5 nights of practice plus games on weekends and parents having to attend every practice. As much as maybe I will be jealous that my kids friends are more popular and sporty- I can't see pushing sports beyond an enjoyment or practical level. Like he would have to practice after school and I pick him up, but I can't imagine travel teams and clubs like that.

[rere]

Oct 7, 2017 14:10:14 GMT -5 waverly said:

rere- my oldest in only 7, so I have been trying to hold off on sports stuff. I can't imagine having 5 nights of practice plus games on weekends and parents having to attend every practice. As much as maybe I will be jealous that my kids friends are more popular and sporty- I can't see pushing sports beyond an enjoyment or practical level. Like he would have to practice after school and I pick him up, but I can't imagine travel teams and clubs like that.

[rere]

Oct 7, 2017 14:10:14 GMT -5 waverly said:

rere- my oldest in only 7, so I have been trying to hold off on sports stuff. I can't imagine having 5 nights of practice plus games on weekends and parents having to attend every practice. As much as maybe I will be jealous that my kids friends are more popular and sporty- I can't see pushing sports beyond an enjoyment or practical level. Like he would have to practice after school and I pick him up, but I can't imagine travel teams and clubs like that.

I have fat fingers on the weekend I suppose.

We have avoided travel so far, but we are already getting the pushback with DD of people saying that if you expect to play high school, you have to play club which is year round and $1500 not including travel cost. It's mind blowing. Dd just wants to play for fun and exercise with her friends. The last month with football every night, volleyball 2-3 nights and Dh not being able to help has been survival mode. I'm like , I thought family dinners were important? Don't people like their houses? I like mine. What about downtime to do things as a family? Or other hobbies. This all adds to the already constant stress of keeping everyone schooled, fed, sheltered, ect.

[2chatter]

rere preach.

Flame free confession. I'm secretly soooo relieved DD broke her hand and is in a cast. That frees up afternoons evenings and weekends in a way that would not be possible without a serious injury. Two in sports beyond the oldest is plenty! I was drowning and feel like someone threw me a life preserver. I hate that it was at the expense of my child, and that she's hurt, but I'm relieved.

[shakinros]

No judgement here 2chatter. Sometimes you just need an excuse.

My H woke up sick as a dog today. He's stayed upstairs in bed all day and my day has been SO SMOOTH. Just me and the kid. We shopped, went to a birthday party, bathed her, I cleaned... I know it sucks to be ill but FFC: I hope he's still sick tomorrow.

[meagain]

I am right in the middle of all of this.

Add in the resentment I feel about my husband not helping as

much as I need aroud the house. I am just always burnt out and feel like I complain all the time which doesnt help or make me feel better.

He had a stroke over a year ago and cannot work and I know that is not his fault but he wasnt helping before that either. He had many periods of unemployment and when he did work I would practically have to beg for him to give me money. He has just been approved for disability and if hr refuses to help me with money the way he refuses to help around the house I am done. I am just so tired.

I wish she would have covered that in the article. In my area there are so many men who will not keep a job. What is with that?

[rere]

Oct 7, 2017 14:50:45 GMT -5 2chatter said:

rere preach.

Flame free confession. I'm secretly soooo relieved DD broke her hand and is in a cast. That frees up afternoons evenings and weekends in a way that would not be possible without a serious injury. Two in sports beyond the oldest is plenty! I was drowning and feel like someone threw me a life preserver. I hate that it was at the expense of my child, and that she's hurt, but I'm relieved.

Some kid dropped a bench on ds's foot the beginning of football season. Weird story, but he was in a boot for a month and couldn't practice. I hated it for him but part of me was Great! Now I don't have to take you at 6:30 am and try to coordinate everything else in the morning and beg every relation we have to pick you up at 11.

[rere]

meagain I wonder if it is just a type of person that doesn't seem to worry and others pick up the slack? I see people who I know don't have anything saved, flitter from job to job, no real plan. They don't seem as stressed as me. Do they expect everyone to take up for them? The ants vs the grasshopper story. Or maybe they are on to something?

[2chatter]

meagain - that was my first marriage. When he crossed the line and spent the money I earned to support our family I was done but should have been done well before that. Is he open to counseling?

[HeartofCheese]

I haven't read all of the responses (I consider this a major failure), but I saw this article. I couldn't read the whole thing b/c I honestly thought/think that this is just what every generation goes through, but has expressed in however their generation expresses (or in most cases *doesn't* express) it. But I was utterly miserable when I thought I was supposed to be harvesting all that my 20s said was success. I feel like people are just locked into how things are supposed to be and how they're supposed to feel. So when I feel miserable in it, I must be one of those terrible moms/employees/daughters who just let everyone down and wasted all that potential everyone thought I had. I've never really had a vision of what I wanted my life to be. I just assumed that the prescribed path was a surefire formula for happiness and success and enjoyed the ride. Now that I'm there, I realize I deluded myself so much on so many things so that I believed that I had what I wanted. And overcoming adversity was just something that proved my worth and worthiness of happiness.

Long story short, my kids truly make me happy. And anything that gets in the way of that needs to be eliminated or kept at arm's length. And whatever difficulties were not expressed to me in advance of forming a family, the joys weren't (couldn't be) adequately expressed either. I would do it all and keep going through it so long as I look into my kids smiling faces everyday. College is going to be hard...

[freezorburn]

I've been trying to digest this article and I keep stumbling over the words "midlife crisis" because I feel like the last three years of my life, possibly more, have been all about trying to survive my XH's midlife crisis.

I'm pretty solidly Gen X and it's interesting to try to view my day-to-day stresses and general angst about the future as it relates to larger trends, particularly the economic ups and downs that we've gone through during my adult life. I'm fortunate to have gotten to this point in my life with relatively little debt, and some accumulated savings, which I am now dipping into so that I can have a little bit of balance while I recover from the divorce, get my bearings on parenting a child on the autism spectrum, and figure out what to do about my career. I have no small amount of angst about what it's going to be like, when I start looking for full-time work -- I worry that I'll be a middle-aged woman competing with recent grads for the same jobs. I'll be competing against kids who are willing to work more hours for less money, and perhaps have more/better/newer skills than mine. Will I be able to make enough money to start saving again? And maybe enjoy a well-earned vacation here and there? I don't know. But I have a hard time calling this place I'm in a "midlife crisis." I associate that term too strongly with the way that my XH blew up our marriage and spent the last few years behaving like a teenager. And I don't equate my handling of my stress with what he did. Not at all, not ever.

[shakinros]

The like is for support freezorburn

I wonder if there's something in the differences between midlife crises for men and women re: relationship with reality. I feel like the article is describing (as are you, to an extent) a midlife crisis that's a reckoning with reality. Yes, my life is really just this. Seems like the stereotypical male Midlife crises is a denial of reality.

[freezorburn]

All of this reminds me of the notion of a "sandwich generation," which gets circulated from time to time. The difference in the article from the OP being that it addresses how the economic environment is affecting the current generation

An older story, for those who have time and interest:

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/face-it/201210/the-over-stuffed-sandwich-generation