Saying "no" on weekends

[twinmomma]

DH and I have decided we're going to strive to "just say no" a lot more on the weekends. We're tired of cramming in every possible event that comes our way and feeling exhausted come Sunday night. For example, this Saturday, we could, in theory, shuffle between 3-4 different events from 8 AM to 6 PM. Instead, we chose one that we will all enjoy as a family (birthday party for a kid whose parents we also hang out with) and declined everything else. We already got some disappointed reactions from the folks we turned down.

So now I'm already feeling immense guilt that our kids are "missing out" on these other fun activities. And honestly, skipping these activities is more for DH and I's sake than theirs. We need the time to catch up on chores and feel like we're getting some down time. I feel like we'll be able to do more low key things like play some board games together, or watch a movie as a family, that we never have time for now. 

How do you guys handle this? Do you just accept all invites whenever possible so your kids don't miss out? Or do you try to save some family time and stay home? Basically, help me not feel so guilty for turning stuff down, when in reality we could fit it in if we really wanted to. 

[rere]

I guess my mindset is a little different. If I have an event like a birthday party or whatever for Saturday, I consider myself booked. Mind you this doesn't include like a game or practice. I don't usually try to hit multiple activities a day, because in my mind I am always cognizant of the fact that we've got to get the house straight, chores, etc. done for the weekend.

[judyblume14]

twinmomma, my husband suffers from major FOMO, and I from Catholic Guilt. So I can definitely relate to how you're feeling. I would love to "just say no" way more. I have found myself trying to compromise a little more.

Like, if I think someone would be disappointed if we turned something down - I'll send my H with at least one of the girls. Or if it's a family-specific thing that conflicts with something else that my H or I want to do, we can send the kids with a grandparent.

But I will be following along here for advice, because sometimes I just feel to "busy" on the weekends. Our family time is so rushed during the week that I'd love to spend more time at home. Though, I think that will come with winter, anyway.

[jlaok]

As a general rule, I only do the things that my kids/husband/I really want to do (obviously things like games and practices are different because we have to honor the commitment we made).

Unless my kid is really good friends with you, he/she is probably not going to go to your birthday party. I only plan play dates if I am friends with the parents and want to hang out with them. I have no problem telling my family that I'm too busy/tired to get together that particular weekend.

When you add up all of our work/school/practice/game hours throughout the week we really don't have much time to do "nothing" (seems like less time as the kids get older) I have no problem saying no.

Don't feel guilty. Feel proud of yourself for ignoring the "noise" of life and taking time for yourself and your family.

[mommyatty]

We have a "one thing per day" max rule. So one birthday party or one trip to the pumpkin patch. Otherwise, really we all feel disconnected and exhausted. We do make an exception for extracurricular activities. So if DD has cheerleading on Saturday morning, we will still let her do a social thing like a party or play date.

[covergirl82]

Ugh...this is a tough one for me too. And I'm such a homebody. We have let DS do some sports clinics on the weekend (usually they run about an hour, but have been on Sunday evenings, which I don't like) because a group of his friends are doing them. (And, FFC, it is good for him to do them because getting on a team in high school will be challenging, because it's so competitive in our school district with lots of talented kids.) Birthday parties we tend to always go to. DS had a migraine on a Friday last May, and we made him choose between one of two birthday parties on the same day on Saturday, because he also had a baseball game on that Saturday as well.

I remember when I was a kid (elementary school, maybe early middle school) we had family night on Friday nights, and weren't allowed to make other plans, except in very rare situations. So I probably missed out on some things, but I don't remember any specific events, so I guess it wasn't a big deal in the long run.

I'd love to hear what others do as well.

[saraml13]

Oct 11, 2017 8:23:11 GMT -5 judyblume14 said:

twinmomma, my husband suffers from major FOMO, and I from Catholic Guilt. So I can definitely relate to how you're feeling. I would love to "just say no" way more. I have found myself trying to compromise a little more.

Like, if I think someone would be disappointed if we turned something down - I'll send my H with at least one of the girls. Or if it's a family-specific thing that conflicts with something else that my H or I want to do, we can send the kids with a grandparent.

But I will be following along here for advice, because sometimes I just feel to "busy" on the weekends. Our family time is so rushed during the week that I'd love to spend more time at home. Though, I think that will come with winter, anyway.

+1 to all of this

[sudokufan]

I think the key is that you'll need some time to reset people's expectations of you. If you sometimes say Yes and sometimes say "I'm sorry, it won't be possible" (no explanations!) people will stop with the disappointment and pressure. It'll also take some time for you and the kids to reset what makes a "fun" weekend, but I doubt you'll have regrets. And if you do, it's a lot easier to start saying yes to a few more things here and there.

[2chatter]

I don't stay for most events - parties, play dates, practices, outings - unless I am volunteering or I want to stay. I think that frees me up and cuts against feeling like I have no time. It's important to me to keep the kids busy, as they are all pretty high energy.

My parents weren't social and had me skip a lot of optional fun things - like soccer team outings that weren't end of season parties. I was as a result semi-disconnected socially and to this day friends say things like "remember that time we went to Glen Rose" and then realize they just assumed I was there, when in fact I wasn't because my parents didn't sign me up/take me.

So I am definitely keeping that in mind when I want to say "it's too complicated to get you to that University on a Saturday". If I didn't have an awesome village I would feel differently. But we share rides and chaperoning to keep the overall level reasonable.

[twinmomma]

2chatter, I think if our kids were of "drop off" age, it would be different. Right now, NO ONE drops off for things. All the parents huddle together and chat while the kids do stuff. It's grueling, especially because DH loathes small talk stuff like that, and I don't want to force an introvert to be miserable, so it falls to me a lot of the time. Granted, they're only 5 and just started kindergarten, but I'm looking forward to that stage.

I am concerned about our kids getting stir crazy without all this stuff to keep them busy, but I also know we have a fun yard, and we can very easily go to the park if we need a change of scenery, and it'll be much more enjoyable than the pressure of a pre-planned, big event.

[mellym]

I used to feel the same way until I realized that it's okay to say no and if someone gets mad/disappointed that's their own personal reaction and on them. Trust me though, I still struggle with the guilt. Sports, school and activities just started for DD1 so now it's more important to me than ever that we pick and choose how we spend our time on the weekends. The week days/nights are insane. Now we only do one event per day on the weekend, excluding sports games. Similar to the others, if we have a birthday party then that day is booked. This Saturday school is having a pumpkin walk so that's all that we will commit to for that day. I feel more relaxed now that we have down time to reconnect on the weekends.

I will say it does help that we have 20 kids all under 8 on our end of the cul de sac so the kids always have the opportunity to play with someone. Like, if they're getting stir crazy or we're trying to get a chore done, we'll send them outside to play with a friend for a little bit. There is always at least one other kid also outside playing.

[hocus2]

For the most part we go to think we're invited and I really enjoy birthday parties. I'm generally not open to an 8 to 6 day and I would absolutely turn something down if I though it would overload the the kids or keep us running around all day. IT is really OK to say no. Especially if you have other plans (which you do)

The kids do one activity Saturday and Sunday. We often have a birthday or activity on one day of the weekend sometimes on both. A 5th event would be hard to squeeze in and depending on what it is I'd say no if needed. 

In the fall when activities then to pile up (fall events+Halloween and the standard birthday parties) we do have to be selective. I'm relieved that one of the late October birthdays we usually go to is in early November this year.

[2chatter]

twinmomma - it gets so much easier! DS is 5 but we can drop much more than with the girls because we have known many of the other parents for the last four years because there are a ton of fourth grade-kinder sibling pairs. We share the staying/driving even for the little ones or end up socializing.

I legit feel like a chauffeur for the 13 year old - the sweet spot is somewhere around 8-10.

[186momx]

This used to be us. Always busy every weekend especially during the summer and fall. I had enough and just told DH that we couldn't keep doing this and as DD got older his stuff or his parents stuff wasn't going to be able to happen all the time because we would have to do stuff for DD instead. It started off that DD and I just wouldn't go and we would stay home and DH would go. Then DH started staying home too. Yes it pissed people off and some of them haven't gotten over but it makes a much happier me and DD to be home. DH would rather please everyone else and let us all suffer.

3 years later and we stay home way more on the weekends. I try and plan something out of town once a month to keep DH happy. When we say no we can't no one questions it anymore and I don't question it if the people we ask to go do stuff with can't.

As far as b-day parties go...we are picky about who we will go to. DD got a ton last year and I would ask her who A was and does she play with A at school and if she says yes A is nice and we play we would go. Most of the time her answer was no A calls me names and makes fun of my clothes or pushes me at recess so we only went to 2 parties over the school year. I also noticed in Kindergarten that the whole class got invited and while at daycare the parents picked the kids that their kid liked/played with.

[katrine05]

DH hates being busy, and our kids are younger, so we haven't had this issue too much. He says no to most things, and for birthday parties for DD's friends, I usually end up taking her alone, or dropping her off (just starting for her since she's 4.5). For family meals (my family), my mom and sister usually end up coming to us, but that's still more work for me. I don't like staying home all day, while DH does, so I'll often go out with the kids and do stuff if we feel like it. I'm sure live will only get busier as the kids get older.

[ECB]

I fall somewhere in the middle on this. I hate super booked, constantly on the run weekends but at the same time- I'm not going to limit myself to just 1 thing.

However, I don't have a big "guilt" gene and I don't mind saying "no" when I really don't want to do something. So I do pick and choose.

As far as people being disappointed - obviously this isn't a blanket statement, but I will contend that in a lot of situations, when the host expresses disappointment, they're doing it to be polite but in the end, it really doesn't alter their day at all that you won't be there. When we throw parties - there are some people that I AM disappointed can't come but there are also plenty of people where I give the "Oh, I'm so sad you cna't come!" but in reality- it's really not bothering me at all.

So - don't take it TOO literally when someone expresses disappointment.

I realize that sounds a bit cold! it's not meant to. It's just that when I have a big get together, while I invite people that I genuinely want to invite, I know that everyone isn't going to be able to attend. I want people to know they'll be missed but it's not going to impact me or the party that they aren't there.

[waverly]

I didn't read all the responses.

Fortunately/ unfortunately we aren't that popular to get invited to many things on one day. Sometimes we try to set things up with friends and of course it happens with one busy weekend seeing everyone and then several weekends with no friends. Not sure why...

When I was a teenager and college student, I still bounced back from mom and dad quite a bit and associated family- they were divorced. And then I would bounce around the friends and I would do 3 things with long drives in between. So even back then I started a one thing per day rule.

Drop offs are much more common in first grade. Since they are in K you only have 1 more year and yeah it's super freeing!

As far as disappointment I would ignore and not explain. Honestly most people seem to make me work super hard to accommodate their schedule. Since I am laid back and accommodating it grates on me sometimes. But there are some people in my life that seem to say no a lot and still seem to be popular- my one friend. I think in my sisters case she has given up on friends somewhat because she doesn't want to accommodate but she still does kids soccer etc. so anyway after these people always making me do all the work sometimes it's satisfying to just be like sorry can't.

[xctsclrx]

We have entire weekends where we don't commit to anything and it is amazing. DH and I have guard drill one weekend a month. Sometimes not the same weekend, so usually we only have two weekends of family time anyway. On those weekends we might go do one or two things. We will go to a sporting event if there is one and usually go home after, and maybe the next day go out and do something. This weekend I have drill DH and boys are going to GGs house for SS1 xcountry meet and the next GG wants to hang out with her boys. The weekend after nothing is going on, so I made plans to take DS to the pumpkin patch and that will be it.

[waverly]

I do break my one event a day rule occasionally, but its a good guideline.

Example weekends- Last weekend we stayed home on Sat. The kids like to hang around the house since they are out all week. Sunday was a birthday party, and I took DD to the movies. We could have added church, but DH had brunch. So we had 2 things Sun (for H) but none Sat. And H is more of an out of the house type person than me.  I stayed home for bunch and H took DS for a haircut. 

This weekend, Sat free. Sun I work for 5 hours. DS has a boy scout event Sun. I could plan something Sat, but I don't really want to, so we will likely ad hoc it and do a family thing.


Also- I order groceries online and have them delivered which I feel gives us an extra 1.5-2 hours on the weekend.  H liked to drive 20 min to the grocery store.   And from the infamous post, I also have a roomba which saves me about an hour in cleaning on the weekends.  I saw the commercial with the soda can riding the roomba and thought of you guys.    

We also don't live near family, so I don't have to carve out my weekends for them all the time.  Instead I see them every 6 weeks and they get the entire weekend.  6 weeks give or take 2 weeks either way.  

[justcheckingin73]

Oct 11, 2017 10:08:22 GMT -5 2chatter said:

I legit feel like a chauffeur for the 13 year old - the sweet spot is somewhere around 8-10.

This was me this weekend. DD had a get together at a friend’s house on Friday which turned into a sleepover. Sunday, she had a birthday party, a get together at a pumpkin farm, then another sleepover and on Monday she went to another friend’s house. If I wasn’t such an introvert I’d be jealous!

We don’t live by family and we don’t receive a lot of invitations so I typically will say yes to 80% of the invites we get but it sounds like you have a lot more events than we do. It will get easier when you can do drop offs and run errands or get downtime while they play. It’s life changing and probably not too far off. 

Dealing with feelings of guilt will probably get easier too, but it’s a lot better than feeling overloaded all of the time. 

[olenka]

Heh, we are apparently not that in demand socially that I even experience this. And there is a huge culture of flakiness where I live, so I guess it's just not a big deal.

[twinmomma]

olenka, We're "in demand" mainly because we're still navigating the fact that the the kids from daycare want to all stay in touch, plus my kids are in two separate classes now. So we've got a lot of options for invites to various things.

[sandandsea]

We try to do one scheduled activity (sport) and church per weekend but try to fit in bday parties for his friends. He's in K so the parties aren't quite drop off yet. Hopefully soon and I'm thinking we may carpool with friends on the future. We just started K though so still feeling people out.

I also find it easier to entertain the boys away from home so we often do amusement parks or zoos or activities like hikes, bike rides, beach or pumpkin patches on weekends too. I like to be active but not over busy.

[twinmomma]

OMG. I told dad of a daycare friend that we would not be participating in a fun run on Saturday, because we already had a birthday party that day. Literally said the words "We're trying to keep our weekends low key since I've been traveling so much." I offered up a potential park play date for Sunday. His response? "The fun run is in the morning though, and the party is in the afternoon." I ignored that email. Then he just sent me another one today with just the link to sign up, with the subject line "9 AM fun run" Dude. Get.The.Hint.

[ECB]

Oct 12, 2017 9:18:19 GMT -5 twinmomma said:

OMG. I told dad of a daycare friend that we would not be participating in a fun run on Saturday, because we already had a birthday party that day. Literally said the words "We're trying to keep our weekends low key since I've been traveling so much." I offered up a potential park play date for Sunday. His response? "The fun run is in the morning though, and the party is in the afternoon." I ignored that email. Then he just sent me another one today with just the link to sign up, with the subject line "9 AM fun run" Dude. Get.The.Hint.

THAT'S obnoxious.  No is no.  

ETA: Add him to the list where in the future, you just say "We won't be able to attend" w/ NO explanation. Because clearly he will look for holes.