Obsession with "fairness"

[laurack]

Matilda is driving me nuts lately. If William "gets" anything she doesn't she completely loses her shit. It's not faaairrrr, you love him more than me, etc. etc.

Last night he had come into our bed and then a little later she came in and I said, no there is no room (there really is not room for four people), can you just go back to bed, you are a big girl etc. etc. Anyway long story short it didn't work and I had to wake him and remove him to his bed as well and listen to him crying for twenty minutes. I know, neither should be in our bed but when matilda was little she got to have that too ... so I feel like it's fair he should as well if he wants to ... She hadn't been coming into our bed in months but since William has started doing it more she tries too.

I feel like all the things she got as a little, I can't give William without her flipping out. A few times when she was 2- 3 I took a day off work and sent William to daycare so she and I could have a special day. Now, I decided to take a day recently for William and sent her to school of course, we had a lovely day but he mentioned it to her and she started to freak out so I just brushed it off and changed the subject/pretended we hadn't done it so I didn't have to listen to her flipping out. Which seems silly.

He filled his sticker chart for going on the potty and like I promised we went to the toy store but of course then I agreed to buy them both a small toy because of Matilda being on the verge of hysterics at the idea of him getting something and not her.

of course she's fine with getting things he doesn't get, and passive aggressively rubbing it in his face. "mom I'm SO excited about that PARTY Saturday" etc.

Sometimes I wonder, is this just a phase or is she just kind of a bratty kid! It's only related to her brother of course, not all kids but still.

Maybe I should just say no, only William gets xyz but then I feel bad because she's only little too and this is probably normal?? aaah

[puppylove64]

L is the same way! Sometimes when I do special stuff with one, but not the other I tell them to keep it secret. Which never actually happens. If it is food, I usually ask them to share or try to keep snacks around for substitutes. When it was potty toys, I explained to Lucas the exact toys he got when he learned to potty and he was welcome to play with them, but he wouldn’t get new ones. Sometimes I cave and buy them both a new toy but try to get something small. This weekend C got a toy and L didn’t and it was hysterics, but L behaved very poorly and I let him cry it out as a teaching moment.

I hope it is common at the age and my kids aren’t too much of brats. I just have to pick and choose my battles.

[Deleted]

A does this a lot with food. We were trying to put some weight on H a few months ago and it was so difficult to do it without also putting some on A lol every time he gets any food she has to have some too even though she gets snacks and treats at school that he doesn’t get.

We haven’t had tons of issues with other things yet but I am a bit of a hard ass and let her throw massive fits over it’s not fair things related to toys and activities :/. I try to always remind her afterwards that she got xyz that H didn’t get and they won’t always get the same exact things. I’m sure it will get worse as H gets older.

[sandj82110]

Yes, but only to benefit him. Now that he gets home at 2:45 and we dont pick up Alexander until 4:30 he gets a little more one on one time so it's getting a little better, but he loves to throw a good tantrum when things aren't going his way.

[ktstorm]

Yes, omg yes. When E was potty training, B insisted that he had to get m&m's every time he went too. We're working on having E stay in his room at night with a bribe of donuts, and now B is always like I stayed in my room, do I get to donut? But he definitely teases E when he gets something that E can't do or have, and now E has started taunting him back about things, so ... Drives me insane.

For the most part I try to keep everything equal and remind B that sometimes he gets things E doesn't and vice versa. If either throws a fit about needing things to be equal or not being equal enough he loses whatever it was and the other one gets it.

[fusion]

Eh I am a hard ass and say no and tough bananas. She'll get over it and isn't that little to not understand if you tell her that. Caving when she reacts just reinforces the behavior for next time. 5 year olds are all about PUSHING LIMITS.

[The Foozzler]

Oct 26, 2017 14:01:18 GMT -5 fusion said:

Eh I am a hard ass and say no and tough bananas. She'll get over it and isn't that little to not understand if you tell her that. Caving when she reacts just reinforces the behavior for next time. 5 year olds are all about PUSHING LIMITS.

This is where I am, too.

I tell T the same thing I tell my students when they complain about things being fair. I tell them that I don't try to treat everyone fair, but I try to treat everyone just right. And just right is different for everyone.