So I need to vent - share yours too. Any advice appreciated.
I shared my annual review results with DH. Glowing would be the overall theme. His response? “SO when are you getting promoted?” First, I just made VP two years ago and the cycle is generally longer than that. Second, I work from home and manage a team, none of which are here. If I want to move up I need to move to NY. Third, he travels every week with the exception of the week of Christmas and two weeks where we go away for vacation. We have three athletic and academic kids who do STUFF that requires at minimum transportation. I couldn’t work more than I do and not die.
When I said that asking about promotion was unhelpful he picked a fight. Essentially his position is that I should work toward promotion or more money - who cares if people like me, I’m good at my job and satisfied without those things. He keeps storming back into my office (but of course, he feels attacked) - once to tell me that I remind him of his ex wife (we have zero in common, she’s super gross in all possible ways), once to tell me he makes way more money, once to tell me that my ex might be nice but he’s an idiot, once to suggest we sell the house so I can remarry my ex and once to taunt me about divorce “so, should I move out, should I?”. I just asked him to close the door.
I guess the wheels have come off again. He was doing so well. Unreal.
That response is just unhinged. If he can escalate that conversation to that, that's a huge issue.
Dh and I had similar conversations in the past. He works a varying schedule. I told him there needs to be one of us that can be counted on to have a somewhat regular / flexible schedule for the kids and all that entails. If he wanted to change jobs and take over everything, go for it, but I doubt the math would still ad up in the long run.
Echoing rere, that response is unhinged. It's one thing to make the comment about advancing, but another to do all of the crazy that seems to have come after.
My job is the one that earns more at our house, although that is a fairly recent development (in the last 3 years) as I was in graduate school while DH was working in the real world. In the last 3 years we've switched from me being the one who was always in charge of the kid stuff, to him being more flexible and somewhat in charge (although I do a ton of the planning). We've come to the agreement that while I am chasing the tenure track that he will just stay where he is doing what he is doing. Which sometimes causes tension for us......really I am rambling and don't have a good answer here.
Post by covergirl82 on Dec 15, 2017 13:28:37 GMT -5
2chatter, wow...that is definitely an unhinged response to your glowing review.
I will say that my DH is also always asking when I'm going to get a promotion (and always after a performance review). I keep reminding him that my manager needs to leave in order for that to be a possibility, and honestly I'm not sure I want to be in leadership. I like that my job is really flexible right now and I don't have a ton of responsibility. I am the default parent if one of the kids is sick and someone needs to stay home, or take the kids to appointments, etc.
I was a little upset with my husband when I got a big fat bonus and a raise (two things which literally never come together) and H didn't respond the way I hoped he would...but his response was just to text me the word "Awesome." And not bring it up again.
He didn't threaten to divorce me, though, so maybe that's actually a win and I just didn't know it...
2chatter, Wow. I don't know what to say. Not even close to a normal response. Congratulations on your review! It sounds like you're in an excellent situation at work, and you've worked hard to establish and maintain your balance. You're an amazing planner and scheduler (two major skills that I lack and have been working hard to improve), and it sucks that he can't see how hard that is and give you credit.
Before I left work, DH and I made about the same, but I had a ton more responsibility at work and at home. DH travels a lot, always has, so I managed a lot at home while managing a large global team as a senior leader in the organization (there is a step between VP and SVP at my old company, and that's where I was when I left). Since leaving, I've obviously taken over everything at home, and have helped him launch his company.
Now I have an opportunity in front of me that could allow me to make ~2/3 of my former salary working about 15 hours a week as a contractor. To kick it off, I'd need to travel for a week, and then I would be able to work 100% from home. He is NOT HAPPY about this. DOES NOT WANT to worry about everything for one week while I'm gone. This is a theme with him lately - he's been cutting me down in very subtle ways, and it's making me feel small.
Post by CrazyLucky on Dec 15, 2017 14:18:28 GMT -5
Holy crap! You have some kind of saintly patience! If my H came at me with that kind of crap, I'm certain I would have escalated and told him exactly what I thought about him being so childish. And when he asked about moving out, my most moderate response would have been maybe. Of course, I could never handle solo parenting so much anyway. Have you been to counseling? Is he willing? This is something that shouldn't have even been a fight, but he's not even fighting fair. Congratulations on the glowing review! There was a linked in article recently about a recruiter trying to get someone for a high level position. But the person didn't want to move. He didn't make as much as he could have, but he enjoyed his job, had flexibility, good work/life balance etc. It sounds like you know what's important to you and you're standing up for those things. Good for you. And I hope your H chills and apologizes.
mae0111, 2chatter, JFC. Seriously, both of your hubs need to be horsewhipped.
My hubs occasionally bitches that I don’t make more money/haven’t been promoted/am unappreciated/should find a new job. I then remind him that I do earn a ton of money and he makes me feel bad when he says stuff like that. He backs off for a while. But at least he’s bitching that my employer doesn’t show me enough love as opposed to thinking I’m not doing enough or not wanting me to go for it.
Post by covergirl82 on Dec 15, 2017 17:30:22 GMT -5
Here's my SOS: Anytime MH has a stressful day at work, he comes home and makes a comment about wanting to sell the house and have a "simpler" life. It irritates me to no end, because this is the same man who has probably put $12,000 (over 3 years) into unnecessary modifications/additions to his last truck (that we had about 3 years and then sold because it had so many problems, and then he promised me he wouldn't upgrade the next truck) and then bought another truck and made almost as many modifications/additions. This is also the same man who drives right past our credit union on his way to his bowling league and then takes out money at the ATM at the bowling alley and we get charged a $3.00 fee.
mae0111, that's crazy that YH is sideways about you being away for one week, even though the upside is that you can then work from home for about the equivalent of 2 days a week for 2/3 of your old salary.
You guys really do keep me sane. He apologized after getting back from the dentist with the kids but seriously, taking everything nuclear is too much for me.
I’m focused on the kids this evening (lights, hot chocolate, scavenger hunt, egg nog, carols and The Santa Clause). I hope the weekend flies by.
Oh my. He obviously feels super insecure. I am sure that you have better coping skills than me so I don’t think I have amazing advice that you have never heard. But here is what I would do - try not to engage and wait for when he calms. Is he ever rational? If so, after he calms, I would acknowledge that you appreciate that he thinks you deserve a promotion but it is not the right time for the family for you to take on more work. Then I would state how you were hurt when he was bringing up ex’s and divorce. Tell him that you aren’t asking for an apology but that you just wanted him to know that it was hurtful. If he is rarely rational, I would not bring it up again.
Post by freezorburn on Dec 16, 2017 3:19:42 GMT -5
I feel like there are pieces missing to this story. Like maybe something triggered him and he has yet to clue you in. Or maybe he is processing something and doesn't really know how to talk about it yet, so he's just having this visceral reaction?
Long before I ever knew anything was wrong, my ex would pick fights with me, about random stuff. I rationalized this behavior and figured he was stressed out at work and just needed to blow off steam by roping me into a debate about the latest conflict in the middle east and trying to force me to defend a point of view that he randomly assigned to me. My response was to give him space. In hindsight I wonder if I would have gotten a straight answer out of him, if I had confronted him about his behavior patterns. Probably not, but I wonder.
Jesus, 2chatter. That escalated quickly. I agree that it sounds like something is up. Clearly he is just not a reasonable person, but he also is handling *something* badly. Plus I suspect he feels threatened by your success...or something.
2chatter my DH is not as crazy, but he is frequently on my case about not being ambitious enough. He rubs it in that I should have left my previous employer (that laid me off) sooner. That completely ignore the fact that even though that company was kind of dysfunctional, I was pregnant and/or bf a baby for pretty much the last 3 years straight at that company and had a lot of flexibility with my hours and WFH. Meanwhile he forgets that he has been able to advance in his career in part because I’ve done 90% of the household management and 98% of the daycare drop offs and pickups.
Post by erinshelley21 on Dec 18, 2017 9:00:59 GMT -5
I don't even know what to say. I'm so sorry that he seems to be spiraling out of control again. I think you're a rockstar and he has no idea how lucky he is.
I’m just kind of over it again. I mean, seriously, I take paths through the house to avoid him or out of tasks if they would make me encounter him (like he is in our room and I want to grab laundry to do - I would rather have dirty clothes).
After we attended a wedding last night middle DD said she hopes we are together forever. Then she said she doesn’t know if we will be because we fight too much. That didn’t even phase him. Like, he had no response and later when I tried to discuss he had nothing to say other than “I’m sure it’s my fault. I’ll do better.” He’s such a child. It’s so frustrating!!! I now suspect he’s off his meds because he had to coordinate with the mail order pharmacy, which takes at least an hour per three or four calls. It’s a giant pain. Not sure what to do....other than suggest he see his doctor.
2chatter, I don't know what to say other than I am sorry. Your DH makes me sad, because everything could be good if we would stay on his meds. Although, it sounds like he recognizing that issue in himself and trying to fix the problem.
As for fighting all the time. Not sure if your DD is old enough to understand of if you want to share with her, but I might be tempted to have an honest conversation about what is going on with him. It is something you should discuss with DH first, but it might help the kids understand why he acts one way one moment and looses it the next.
xctsclrx - because I’m divorced, I don’t want to tell DD anything because she will tell her Dad and then drama can ensue.
I do think a ton is work stress - he’s off today AND in town - and he’s been awesome. I don’t know what to do about that.
Can you guys go to lunch together? I just really want him to find a new job. I know his non-compete is a huge hurdle, but if his work stress is causing this many problems, or hell even all of them, then I'd be doing whatever humanly possible to find a new job. Even if it's in a different industry.
2chatter, just a quick thought, and I know they would not have a reason to do this. But could he re-negotiate the non-compete to a year? Most are a year rather than never. Could he say forever is not an industry standard with examples from his lawyer or something? I have been here 5 years, can we re-sign this for a year? I want to stay, but can't guarantee forever?
erinshelley21 - we had an early lunch date! I’m delivering lunch to the kinder teachers - so we went and ate together and then he helped me deliver. It was great! He’s wonderful when not stressed. Ugh.
waverly - he vacillates on this - and always lands at they will fire him if he asks. Then enforce it. Just because...that’s who they are.
Honest to God I think you should find the very best employment attorney in the state and hire them. I know that isn't really the root of all the problems, but it has been a huge theme forever. There is just no way this is legal, that they can enforce it if he quits or if he is fired and that it lasts for the rest of his life. It just cannot work like that. There has to be a way out somehow.
Post by mustardseed2007 on Dec 19, 2017 10:16:19 GMT -5
I remember thinking that the noncompete was not enforceable. I don't remember the details about it now but I do remember that part of your situation and b/c we're in the same state I'm pretty sure it's really not.
Post by erinshelley21 on Dec 19, 2017 10:19:34 GMT -5
Even if the non-compete IS enforceable, it's time to really re-evaluate this job and figure out how important it really is. If he loves this career and it gives him life, then fine, find an employment attorney and fight the non-compete with everything he has in him. But if he wants a better life with you and his children, then working at wal-mart for a bit won't kill him.
Yes you do have two lawyers in your state. Not labor lawyers, maybe? But still lawyers.
yeah I'm not exactly a labor lawyer, but I did write the non compete for our company and it's much LESS restrictive than 2chatter 's H's non compete. There's no way I would contemplate a noncompete that restrictive, and we're in an industry where managers very typically do sign them.
edit: Fixed that typo. That noncompete he signed was way over broad.
We had two local employment attorneys review the non compete and both said it’s enforceable. The third and fourth had conflicts so we gave up.
If DD didn’t have her medical challenges we would consider moving out of state for two years (he can work in several states where he hasn’t had clients) but it’s too much to uproot her and the other kids and my mom.
We are paying cash for two kids in college so he can’t take a pay cut...