My parents live out of state and visit about every six weeks, they are driving distance and stay with us for the weekend. They typically destroy the house, but at the same time their house is typically in a destroyed state. They also spoil the kids in a typical grandparent fashion, which takes some resetting once they leave. I know that they mean well, but their visits can be a bit of a challenge. How often would you let them visit? I love that they want to have a relationship with their grandkids, but their visits are still a challenge. DH and I are currently having challenges setting some boundaries here. Thoughts?
Post by mustardseed2007 on Jan 2, 2018 6:52:48 GMT -5
The idea of house guests every 6 weeks makes my whole body cringe. I don't see my ILs every 6 weeks and they live 30 minutes from me. I was thinking that was sad, but this post may have cured me of that.
Seems excessive to me. Are you close enough to meet up in the middle somewhere for an activity? Are your kids old enough to have sporting events or dance recitals the grandparents could attend and then go home?
My in-laws live about 2hrs away and we see them twice a year. Mostly cause they never ever visit us. We have to go to them. My parents live a plane ride away and we see them about 4 times. Who visits who is much more shared. Wish we could see all of them more but we’re doing what we can and my in-laws will have to put forth some effort.
How much of a driving distance? My parents live 2.5-3ish hours away and sometimes they drive in the morning and leave the same day in the evening. Would that be more survivable? Would you rather visit them instead?
They live about 6/7 hours away, and they like to break the drive up over two days. The kids are 6 and 3, so not a ton of extracurriculars yet. By destroy the house as in they leave stuff everywhere including food, take out every toy and nothing is ever put away, and let the kids eat on the couch ( no eating on our couch). In terms of spoiling, it's the typical grandparents stuff, like tons of grazing snacks, crap food ( think like infinite hostess cupcakes), give into the kids' every whim, not respecting bedtime. It's stuff that wouldn't be so bad if it was less frequent, or they just came over for a couple of hours, but when they visit it's Friday through Sunday. They fight with each other incessantly, which drives me up a wall and isn't the example I want to set for the kids. They just left after a visit and DH blew up at me about all of this. And I'm struggling with what to do, I'm an only child so they don't have other grandkids or my siblings to visit.
I would say every two months, max. And break it up with visits to them if you can. I may be odd, but I am more comfortable visiting elsewhere if I know the houseguests aren’t considerate. We control everything that comes in our house, including the people. And our house is our sanctuary, so if one of us strongly does NOT want something or someone in it, that person’s request rules. So if DH wanted them there less frequently, we would make that happen.
If you alternate and go to visits every 2 months, you only have to deal with them tearing up your house 3 times a year instead of 8 times a year. And I’m more okay with rule breaking outside my home than in it. Kids understand different places have different rules. I don’t think they understand that rules go away in their own house when grandparents are there but then come back in full force when grandparents leave.
Oh man. I'd nope out of that so fast. My folks visit twice a year; that's not quite often enough for me, but if they were staying in my house and causing that kind of chaos, it sure would be!
Could you push for them to visit once in 12 weeks and stay at a hotel? That seems much more tolerable. My folks stay at one of those places where you get an in room microwave and refrigerator, and there's a pool and hot tub, so DS loves to go see them and swim, and then I pack him up and take him home in the evening.
Given that, I would make a few changes without putting my foot down hard. I would hide or toss all the junk food except maybe one treat you approve of for the trip. I would not leave them alone with the kids (like to babysit), and if the kids are eating on the couch, I would gently remind the kids, "Remember, no food on the couch." Then before bedtime I would say within earshot of the grands, "All the toys need to be put away before bedtime." Maybe like an hour before bedtime begins and then another reminder before it is time to do it. Another tool is to ask you parents for advice. "We really want the kids to learn to put their toys away when they are done using them. Any suggestions how to accomplish this? Can you help them remember?" Take on one new habit per visit, possibly. Maybe make a family rules poster even while they are gone and refer to it as needed while the grandparents are over.
I'd definitely put my foot down on the house rules while they're there. My MIL lets the kids jump on her furniture - like, encourages it. That's a hard no in my house and I'm not afraid to speak up when my kids get out of hand. My in laws also give my kids TONS of juice and let them watch a lot more TV than we allow at home. Fine for their house, but not happening in my own home. Rules don't go out the window just because someone new is in the house. I think you'll have an easier time laying down the ground rules vs. cutting back on frequency of visits. I'd just go on parenting and setting the same expectations to your kids that you always have.
^^^ Yup. I get that every 6 weeks is a lot, probably tooo much. But you will have a harder time changing that without hurting feelings than you will have re-establishing the rules and soliciting their help with that. But it probably means for a while you can't use them as babysitters, either.
My inlaws visit about once a month, but it's day trips (they're 2 hours away). It's too often for me, but I put up with it. My mom visits 2-3 times a year, and always wants to stay a full week. Which is way too long. Having DS was kind of a blessing, since we lost our guest room. My mom has been staying at a hotel for her visits, which is so much better.
Don't put up with shitty behavior from your guests. If you have a no eating on the couch rule, you have a no eating on the couch rule. You're still being a good host and they're not going to starve if you only allow eating at a table. If you can't get them on board with being good guests, then the trips have to get cut short or cut out.
Have a serious talk with YH - how does he feel about the frequency? Is their behavior bothering him, or just you?
How close are you to your mom? My parents and I understand different rules at different houses. DS knows the rules at all the houses he visits. About 4 in all.
If you are close to your mom I would have a heart to heart with her. If you are not then I would so what akafred, said. Remind your kiddos that the house rules don't change just because grandparents are there.
oh and every six weeks is a lot, but I am a little jealous they make that trip for you. My in-laws live 3 hours away and only come to my house once a year. My parents live 18 hours away and come about twice a year for long visits (week) and DS goes to them once a year for 2 weeks (annual training)
I’m wondering if you can parent MIL and FIL into cooperating with you. Like “the kids learned about food groups at school and we are eliminating as many processed snacks as possible, would you guys come to the store with me while DH stays home with the kids so we can find some things?” It’s like letting your kids cook the foods they don’t like so they will eat them. Play nostalgia - like ants on a log if they hade that for DH when he was a kid?
And I would move to a quarterly schedule. When they come can you put a pop up party trash can in a high traffic area?
Post by traveltheworld on Jan 2, 2018 16:29:12 GMT -5
Hmmm...it looks like I'm in the minority here, but our in-laws visiting every month and stay 3 - 5 days. They totally want to over indulge the kids, but they are also pretty respectful of our parenting. So for example, if MIL brought juice for the kids and I say that they can only have 1 cup per day, she'd abide by that. They also sleep till noon and are not very active so they leave minimal damage around the house. They are very low maintenance so we just keep with our regular schedule and I don't really expand that much extra effort when they are here. Oh it also helps that my MIL is obsessed with cleaning (she staid up till 4 am cleaning up after Christmas dinner).
Can you have a discussion about your house rules? Like you can relax them a bit, but not totally throw them out the window every time they visit?
Post by freezorburn on Jan 2, 2018 17:01:56 GMT -5
I also have parents who require parenting.
It’s mind-boggling because they somehow put 3 of us through college, yet when they visit they seem to forget how to do the most basic things.
They also don’t realize that when I ask them to visit specifically to fill in a childcare gap, that it is because I am working, and I am not on vacation. So no, sorry Dad, I can’t hang out and cook breakfast for you.
Once I came to terms with this I found I could be more proactive and matter-of-fact in how I handle their visits. First thing once they’ve arrived is that I go over specifics of what I need them to do, any specific behaviors DS is working on ... walk them through it if I need to. I also go over what they can expect from me in terms of my availability, etc. I treat it like a staff meeting. Things seemed to go pretty smoothly the last time they visited. I think it was as much about managing my own expectations, on top of communicating my needs and managing their expectations.
I'm not really following how all this is happening as if you have no control in the moment. Are you gone from the house while they are there doing this?
In my house, much of this would be managed by reminding my 5.5 year old of the rules and that grandma/grandpa don't get to change the rules. So, "hey, remember we don't eat on the couch" and "hey, when gma brings out the treats you can have JUST ONE" would solve this. But, perhaps I have a kid that is an insane rule follower. And, I will just tell my kid to pick up her toys. I get with a 3 year old it might be harder, but I would think most 6 year old's would get this.
If I need to manage the grandparents (which I sometimes do), I just straight up say "oh great, you brought brownies, DD can have one tonight and one tomorrow after she eats her cucumbers at dinner." Or, I say, "ok, it's time for the Ipad to go away."
Don't get me wrong both ILs and my parents are annoying and things don't happen exactly the way I prefer when they are around, but there is no way I would tolerate all you stated.
Every 6 weeks is fine for me. But I would perhaps suggest they stay in a hotel. Barring that I would just enforce with the kids no eating on the couch and clean up time. If they are babysitting then I don't care about bedtime. If you are there then I would enforce bedtime.
What do they do when you say don't eat on the couch, clean up and time for bed? Do they protest or actively interfere? If so, i think you could bring it up.
I think the fighting is what would really get to me. Not sure if you can mention it to them or they would be offended.
I'm guessing your parents are coming down on a Thursday and making a long weekend out of their visit. Meanwhile both you and YH have to work so they think they are being helpful by getting the kids from school and playing doting grandparents but really they are causing a mess and chaos. I would put off their next visit until closer to Spring Break or Easter and then try and take at least one day off while they are in town. One this gives you guys a break and two you can sit down and figure out some new house rules. Then I would start coaching the grandparents that part of your new years resolution is to have house rules so that the kids know what to expect. Eating only at the table, all toys picked up and put away before evening bath/tv/ipad time whatever you prefer, bedtime is at 7:30pm no ifs ands or buts.
I can sympathize that it was really hard for me to put my foot down over Christmas and tell DD no she couldn't have sweets and treats before meals and my mom made me feel like a big bully but I knew that DD wasn't eating meals well and I wanted her to eat real food.
freezorburn, 186momx, yes, they are parents who require parenting. And although they know our rules always think that things are a "special treat" when they visit so the rules don't apply. Then my mom guilts me. When most of the rules aren't crazy. I live that they want to visit and make the effort to see their grandkids, at the same time it is entirely exhausting. But we don't have the type of relationship where I can say that. I appreciate all of the thoughts that everyone has given me today.
I’ve been actively working on boundary control with my parents for upwards of 2 decades. It is always a work in progress.
You gotta start somewhere. Decide where your starting point is, have a plan, then work on that. Afterwards, you reflect and congratulate yourself if it went well, or come up with a new plan if it did not. It’s a long game.
I'm not really following how all this is happening as if you have no control in the moment. Are you gone from the house while they are there doing this?
This is what I'm wondering! You make it sound like you have no say over anything that happens. But.... you do! You may not be able to be super direct with your parents ** (I'm going to come back to this in a moment), but there are ways to phrase things that get you what YOU want. Replies above give some examples of how you can 'massage' the message.
But - I even question why you can't be more direct. Will you upset your parents? O.k. sure- maybe. But if they kind of get "hit in the face" a couple times, they may start to realize that you actually MEAN it, that you want your rules followed.
To a degree, some of this is "who do you want piss off the least? Your parents or your DH?". Clearly your DH isn't happy. And I feel like your DH and your kids need to be the priority here - not your parent's feelings.
now- that being said, I'm not saying "go nuclear" on them the next time they come. Start off with a lot of the advice given here. redirect, remind your kids IN FRONT of your parents what the rules are, get rid of the junk food, etc etc etc. "Parent" your parents.
But if this doesn't work and it's STILL stressful (and perhaps even MORE stressful because this may actually cause them to push back even harder) - THEN may come a time when you're going to have to suck it up and be more blunt with them.
If this was a once or twice a year visit, I might say "eh- let them spoil the kids". but every 6 weeks is WAY to often to have your lives totally disrupted. But I think a LOT of this falls to you to start fixing. I'm getting the sense that you're afraid to push back at ALL. But - it's YOUR house, it's your DHs house, it's your kids. ALL this matters more than pandering to your parents feelings when they clearly aren't so concerned about your feelings.
Not the OP but personally I wouldn't push too hard unless/until it is necessary because I have lost too many people. My dad is 82 and was recently institutionalized for Altzheimers. My MIL is 81 and her husband died in March and her health has taken a huge hit in the last 18 months. My mom died 12 years ago and DH's dad died when he was in college. There is unfortunately a big chance my daughter won't have any living grandparents when she graduates high school in 10 years. I'm grateful DD has a relationship with grandparents now while it is possible. I know some people on this board have parents a lot younger than mine though, so maybe pushing back harder is in order.
The guilting your mom gives you comes across as manipulation. If someone says don't eat on the couch I would say OK let's go in the dining room not say oh but it's a special treat can't you just bend your rules?
It might go over better to say on the phone before they visit pick the one or two rules most important and ask their help. That way it's not in the moment of but you can't just bend your rules. You could even come up with an excuse if you need to like you had to have the couch professionally cleaned two times already of something.
Usually I am not for opening it up to a discussion but it might work to guilt the guilter. Oh but we can't keep paying for couch cleanings. Could you help us out and enforce this rule with us?
Post by covergirl82 on Jan 3, 2018 13:06:54 GMT -5
phdmomma, PPs have a lot of great ideas. I would also try to reduce the frequency of visits. Can you supplement with FaceTime or Skype?
As other suggested, I would identify a few rules/boundaries to start enforcing, and then work from there to add more. Your children + your home = your rules.
My personal example... I do not let my kids eat candy or use personal care products made in China. MIL gave DD a body lotion-making set for Christmas (one of a few gifts from MIL), but it was made in China. I politely told MIL that DD would not be able to use it and why, and would she be able to give us the receipt so we could exchange it? MIL ended up giving me a check for the cost instead so DD didn't "miss out" on a gift. I'm sure MIL wasn't happy about it, but at the end of the day, I need to do what I feel will keep my kids healthy. I've done a lot more blocking and tackling in the past two years when it comes to the health and wellbeing of my kids, and I honestly feel a lot more positive and at peace with myself.
Post by HeartofCheese on Jan 3, 2018 13:24:50 GMT -5
I would suggest a couple of possibilities:
1. Gparents pick up kids and take them to their house during a break and they can do whatever they want with them. 6-7 hours is a little far, but doable.
2. Give them a choice: fewer visits or follow more rules. Say, "The kids are getting older now and starting to think our rules are arbitrary because they're not always enforced which is causing unnecessary fights. We love having you here, but still have a household to run the other 6 weeks between visits. Would you rather see them every 6 weeks and work a little harder to follow our rules, or would you rather see them every 2-3 months but have a free-for-all? Or a third alternative is to do one long visit at your place every 3 mos?"
3. Or just tell them your hard limits and let them brainstorm solutions.
Post by erinshelley21 on Jan 3, 2018 13:29:13 GMT -5
Do your parents know whay the aftermath is like dealing with overtired and sugared up kids in a messy house? My mom likes to spoil DS buying him something every time we went shopping. I don't want to and he grew to expect it when She wasn't around so I painted very clear picture of the tantrum that was thrown as I carried him out of a store one day and she got It. Same with MIL and him not napping which led to a disaster at bedtime.
How is your relationship with your parents? Do you enjoy seeing them that often? If you can't or don't think you can change them can you try changing your outlook on their visits? I've realized now when DS goes go stay all night with my mom that it's going to come with an overtired mess of a 4 year old. But it's worth it sometimes because I need a break or a date with dh. Can you use their visits as an excuse to get out with your H or just yourself? Maybe get out of the house with one or both of your parents to minimize the amount of time they are actually at your house.
I'm like akafred on not really wanting to push it. It's not fair of me to say this, but I would give almost anything in the world to have my kids know my dad, even though he would have taught them the most awful things lol
I'm like akafred on not really wanting to push it. It's not fair of me to say this, but I would give almost anything in the world to have my kids know my dad, even though he would have taught them the most awful things lol
There's still a balance to be had, though. We deal with my 82 year old FIL. He's frustrating and what not, but in the vein of "we don't know how much longer he'll be around" (although the men in his family seem to live to 100!!), DH is very gentle with him. He doesn't want to hurt his dad's feelings.
BUT DH also sets boundaries. Gently, but he sets them.