Age Appropriate Personal Safety Discussions

[2chatter]

This thread brought to you by my ten year old who is worried about being abducted and my thirteen year old who watched Priceless with me last night and had a great discussion about it (“why could they not see how shady that was!?!” From her - then a detailed discussion about your expectations versus reality and feeling too safe to sense danger).

What do you discuss with your kids about personal safety, and at what ages? I’m struggling most with the fourth grader, and overall think my girls are harder than my boy (local news keeps featuring high school girls who were traffficked/stopped from boarding a plane by the FBI/killed after meeting a guy IRL they “met” online. No similar boy stories).

[sandandsea]

With ds (6) we talk about safety in general. Staying with us, not going with strangers or tricky people unless we are with him, etc. we also have told him that no matter what they say, if someone steals him fight back. Something like 80% of kids who fight back get away. And if he gets lost, find a mom with kids or a police/Fire.

ETA. We also talk about tricky people and how adults won’t ask kids for help.

[akafred]

DD is 8 so we are mostly having discussions without a lot of details. Your private parts are covered by bathing suits. No one can touch them except a doctor if mom or dad say it's ok. (When younger we also got permission to help in the bathroom only), and no one should ask you to touch theirs either. No one can see them in public (at home some naked time is ok for her), and no one should show you theirs.

We also talk about things people making you do things you don't want, that she owns her body, etc. We talk about good touch and bad touch, that if someone tries to touch your privates or wants you to do that to them, or does anything that makes you feel uncomfortable, get away and tell a parent or an adult you trust. If they try not to let you get away, you can fight and hurt someone to get away. We also touch on how politeness can cause people to do things they aren't comfortable with, and that it's ok to say no anyway. We've seen this in a few movies where all of a sudden the protagonist feels nervous, so we pause and discuss.

I really don't talk much about strangers. We say that she cannot go away with anyone (stranger or not) without me knowing. We have a code word for school pickups etc also. She can't go in anyone's home or car without my express permission also. That covers strangers and people we know also.

[waverly]

I don't know really because your kids are older, and we haven't gotten to the same conversations. At some point as a teenager, I went to a personal defense/ safety class. It was through an organization, maybe the school or park district. I don't really remember. I also did martial arts. I wouldn't have sought martial arts out for myself, but it fell in my lap as the instructor came to my house to teach other people, so I just went to the class as well.

Abduction, while it does happen, and I do worry about it- is very rare. I think in a lot of the local cases, I have seen around here the caregivers were complicit in the trafficking or they child had been lured into running away by someone online. I think that could segway into online safety at the older age. At age 10, I am not sure if your child has access to the internet or not. I suppose you could make it super general until the 10 year old is into more specific type things online. Or even with texting since you said she texts, I think that is a place to start about safety with texting- which I am sure you probably have already discussed. And apps and such, online privacy etc.

As far as the teenagers boarding a plane, well I guess they could have used own money/ cc and the parents have no clue, but if the parents did know in all likelihood they would have stopped their child from going. Perhaps that could be a discussion on you can tell me anything. I can help you, and about transparency for their own safety. Kind of like if you need me call me, and I will pick you up anytime anywhere no question asked or you aren't in trouble. I did call my mom once for that, and looking back it probably wasn't anything major, and I would have been fine but I wasn't sure. It might also be a way to say you won't get your own CC or checking account until you are 18. You can have a savings account now. Or under no circumstances are you ever to travel without telling anyone or talk to sketchy people online.

I know growing up my one friend talked to a lot of guys online, and even met one at the airport. I drove her because her mom would have killed her. But she knew enough to bring a friend to protect her. So there is something to say more again for the 13 year old about staying with your girlfriends, traveling together for safety like walking back and forth to school etc. I nearly always walked with someone. Don't be on your phone, stay aware of your surroundings.

I found it odd in college parties when girlfriends didn't stick together. Like if I went to the party with you, you don't disappear on me. You tell me where you are going or we go home together (roommates). And one roommate never heard of that. I thought that was girl code?  ETA- we also talk about private parts similar to akafred. 

My convos with my 7 years old are the same as sandandsea 's.

[covergirl82]

Pretty much exactly what sandandsea said. We took the kids to our local police station for a presentation on safety. They watched a video done by John Walsh (the guy from America's Most Wanted) that taught kids how to categorize adults (safe, unsure, tricky) and specifically stated that adults should never have to ask kids for help.

Also what akafred said about private areas/touching and the requirement of having permission to go anywhere/with anyone.

When my kids are older, I will be more specific about safety, and I think waverly had a good suggestion about taking a safety/personal defense class.

[redshoejune]

My kids are 7 and 4. I recently told them if someone ever tries to take them they should scream and yell and kick and say I don't know you. The older one asked if she should punch too. I tried to emphasize that it would probably never happen but that if it did they didn't have to worry about bothering people or using inside voices.
We also passed an accident scene recently (long after the fact, broken fence somone had driven through earlier in the day) and I used it as a way to brink up drunk driving and distracted driving for the first time.

[2chatter]

I think what scares me most is kids don’t identify kind strangers online as sketchy. So we have talked about how people who text you etc that you don’t know aren’t who they say they are and that there are plenty of people and ways to meet people that aren’t online.

I was groomed by a guy on my walk to the bus stop in high school. Luckily my parents were super over protective, or I would have totally gone to his house to play video games after school. I think that experience - years of my life with this guy trying - has really scared me as a parent.

[waverly]

Jan 4, 2018 9:43:25 GMT -5 2chatter said:

I think what scares me most is kids don’t identify kind strangers online as sketchy. So we have talked about how people who text you etc that you don’t know aren’t who they say they are and that there are plenty of people and ways to meet people that aren’t online.

I was groomed by a guy on my walk to the bus stop in high school. Luckily my parents were super over protective, or I would have totally gone to his house to play video games after school. I think that experience - years of my life with this guy trying - has really scared me as a parent.

I am so sorry.  I would feel the same way with years of a guy trying like that.  

I think there is a lot to the online safety discussion.  Things I haven't thought of because we aren't there yet, but I will probably get a library book (because that is what I do lol) when it comes to that time because I know there are things I would be forgetting in that conversation.  I have read a couple but they were more geared towards adults, but I have seen some for teens, and I think probably they would be OK for tweens as well. 

[2chatter]

A book is a great suggestion!

[waverly]

I just got a timely email from our school district with technology workshops for parents to help their kids. One of them was Cyber Security, so the school may be another resource for you as well.

[akafred]

At this point we have had discussions about never taking pictures of private parts or allowing anyone else to (mostly centered around trying to l FaceTime grandmother from the bathtub), and why you shouldn't give identifying info on the internet. I think this one is way over her head, but we have talked about how sometimes "tricky people" will pretend they are young boys to trick girls into meeting up with them. It's a slow conversation; I look at these things like ripples from dropping a coin in a puddle, you know?

[akafred]

Oh! And when DD turns 9 I'm going to get her one of those "Care and Feeding of You" American Girl books, the one for slightly more mature girls. It isn't specifically about safety but it all goes hand in hand, I think.

[2chatter]

akafred - I love those books and the journals that go with them! Both of my girls have used them. Created By God also covers this ground for us (entering junior high) - but I feel like I need to share it all many different ways.