Help me school-age parent

[shakinros]

Seriously I’m such an amateur. I don’t know what to escalate to who and when. Sorry for the novel below.

DD and her K teacher have made some progress. It’s still not what I wish the situation were, but it’s tolerable. Current thing: couple times a week DD goes to bathroom in the classroom to hide for 5ish minutes and teacher would like that to stop. Thing is, when DD is upset or getting upset, she can calm herself down if she gets some time alone. (As a reminder, emotional overreacting was teacher’s first beef with DD.) I asked at the beginning of the year if there was somewhere DD can go to calm down. The answer is no - there is no space in the classroom that teacher is ok with her going to get away from the other kids. We got another note this week that the hiding has to stop but I feel like this is a no-win situation. Teacher doesn’t want DD being overreactive but she’s also not allowed to do the thing that would help her calm down. Is there are any point to talking to the teacher again? Should I ask DD’s play therapist to call?

Second thing, there is (according to DD) one other kid in K who has a behavior chart. Let’s call him Josh. Josh REALLY pushes her buttons. 4 out of 5 times she gets a discipline note for something she did, she says it’s cause she got so mad about Josh sticking his tongue out at her, or stealing her Legos, breaking her pencil, etc. I don’t think he’s a horrible child - I do think they just eat crackers for each other. We’re talking with DD about staying away from Josh and making good choices when he’s bothering her, but unfortunately she’s got three parts to her school day and he’s in every one of them. Can I ask all three teachers to help keep them apart?

[waverly]

Does she have an IEP? If so, I would see if they can write in there emotional breaks. I can't say what each school or teacher would do, it would be more discretionary if there is no document that makes it mandatory.

I would say yes you can ask or talk to the teachers about keeping them separated. They probably are already thinking on that track. They may not be able to do it all the time but at least make sure they are not seated near each other or maybe not grouped together.

[sunbutter]

I’m sorry that you are dealing with this. The good news is that it will pass. Your DD will grow and she will move to a different classroom.
To give you perspective, my DD is also in kindergarten and has emotional moments. Her teachers strategy is to actually encourage DD to take a break from everyone, including the restroom. She has the kids who need a break go to the restroom and use a wet paper towel to wipe their face and cool off. So your DD’s behavior is normal and it is disappointing that the teacher can’t support her in taking the break that she needs.

[nellgirl]

I work in a k-7 school where we have designated spaces for kids to cool down/take breaks. I’m sorry that your daughter is being reprimanded for making good choices in an effort to stay regulated.
What was the teacher’s reasoning behind not allowing her to take breaks? I let my fifth graders take breaks when they need it, and it makes a huge difference for them.

[lucky3]

School social worker here and we have a calm down corner in every classroom. DD using a space like that for 5 minutes would be age appropriate.

[shakinros]

Yeah it’s baffling to me. All my colleagues who have young kids have cool down spaces in their classrooms too. This teacher just is not into that. She feels it’s important for the kids to stay with the full group. If it makes a difference, this is half-day K and there’s 20 kids in this class. No aide.

[xctsclrx]

This a couple times a week not a day. I am really not understanding the problem here.

I am not a tactful person so take my advice for what it is worth.- I would tell the teacher to get over herself. This is the solution to the prior issues. I might bring research to help prove your point. I would also mentioned that everyone is different and what works for most doesn't work for all.

You would have to be the gage for the next part, but if you feel like the teacher is not willing to work with your daughter, register your complaints with the principal. I wouldn't ask to switch classes or anything, but I would want the principal to be aware in case it becomes a common thread with this teacher.

For the record my son is 3 and he asks to go to the bathroom when he gets overwhelmed at school (not that he will actually go) and needs to get away from kids. His teachers think it is sweet and only mildly annoying for them.

[justcheckingin73]

I can’t remember all of the back story but maybe it’s time to go to the Principal? There is a non-disruptive solution to her “issue” and she’s not allowed to use it. I think it’s ridiculous. Is the teacher stubborn or inexperienced or just doesn’t want to start something? That other kids might latch on to?

As for the kid that bugs her, it can’t hurt to ask if they can be separated but it’s also something I would bring up with the administration for next year. I’m not sure how big your school is or how many classes are in each grade but two of my neighbors requested that their son’s not be in the same class. They were best friends and were just too distracted when they were together. 

[mommyatty]

I would set up a call with the play therapist or have the therapist send a note. An IEP would be very helpful here if she has a diagnosis that qualifies her for one.

Does the school have a counselor? Having the therapist call the counselor may be even more effective.

[shakinros]

The school has a part-time counselor we share with another school. That’s a good idea to call her mommyatty - I had kind of forgotten about her existence. She observed DD in class at the beginning of the year at the teacher’s request, and reported that she didn’t see anything outside of a normal range.

xctsclrx I too think the teacher should get over herself. I am not able to say such a thing though because I am conflict avoidant.

justcheckingin73 it’s a small school but there are two classes in each grade. I definitely want her to not be in class with this kid next year, so I should probably start laying groundwork for this request.

[sdlaura]

I'm also a new k parent (I think we were in the same BMB on the other site), and I wanted to say I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I forget where you are, but I'm in touchy-freely SoCal and can't imagine encountering a teacher with that position. I think you've gotten great advice so far.

If it were me, I would go around/over the head of this teacher, because I think she's being ridiculous. In a polite way, like 'hi principal, in order to be successful in school, my daughter needs a few minutes and a space to collect herself. Teacher is against daughter collecting herself. What's your advice for how I should further work with teacher on this?' Or something like that. If principal is unhelpful, call superintendent, school board member, or whatever.

[shakinros]

I think we were in the same BMB sdlaura. Go August ‘12

We’re in NJ. This is a tiny suburban district and I worry that we chose badly in buying a house. It’s fine, got many good aspects, but it’s so small that I think we’re seeing how limited the resources can be.

It’s all what you’re used to, I guess. DH went to public school in a tiny suburban district like this one so he thinks this is normal and values the small school, small community aspect. I went to public school in the south where the district is the whole county, and - not exaggerating- my high school had 10x as many people in it as DH’s did.

I’m going to ask the teacher one more time, more explicitly, in writing via email for break space for DD. See what she says and escalate after that.