Getting something off my chest (trigger: rape)

[itsmyparty]

I hope you ladies don't mind me crashing the party here. Starting Over is pretty dead and I didn't really want to post this in ML. It is weird typing this out, but it's all starting to hit me right now and I just need to get it out.

A couple nights ago I went on a second date with a guy I liked. We went to dinner, then as things were getting later we were enjoying conversation and so I invited him to come up to my place when he drove me home. We opened a bottle of wine at my place, again just continuing to talk and flipping through some stuff on TV. We flirted and kissed some. But I drank my wine too fast, I'm a "lightweight" (like two glasses and I'm wasted), and it seemed like it wasn't long probably before I was, well, pretty out of it. He started to get more handsy, the alcohol continued to hit me, and eventually I was fading in and out. Somehow we got to the bedroom (I honestly don't remember walking in there, but I must have), and from that point there are whole chapters missing from what transpired. I recall flirting with him earlier in the evening and kissing him, but also him being forceful, me saying no and pushing his hands off, and I know we had sex, but I don't remember any of the details except for feeling him inside me while I dozed off. I woke up in the morning and he was there; he woke up early, kissed me goodbye and left, telling me he'd talk to me later.

I didn't know how to feel when I woke up, and still don't. I know that he clearly took advantage of me and that I was in no shape to legally consent, and as I was passed out he basically raped me. I should feel violated and pissed, and I do. And yet part of me felt bad that I got so drunk and was probably not "great" in bed as a result - to the point where I actually apologized to him in a text later that day - how fucked up is that? He texted me last night as if nothing wrong had happened, although he hasn't texted at all today. Just now all of the feelings of anxiety are hitting me - omg what did he do when I was passed out, he i'm sure didn't use a condom, etc. AND why am I feeling rejected now after a rapist hasn't texted me?

Sorry, know this post is a mess. Like I said, it's all hitting me right now and I need to type all my feelings out.

ETA: Sorry, I should have put a trigger warning on this post. In the title now.

[tiramisu]

itsmyparty I'm so sorry that happened to you. I don't think any of your feelings right now are wrong. The worries that you weren't good in bed, the fear of him rejecting you, it's all part of our socialization as women. Plus this is someone who, up until this happened, you were interested in and starting to maybe like or develop some level of feelings for. I think going easy on yourself for all of these conflicting feelings is important. I also think it's good to think about your next steps. Do you want to report anything? Just get checked out by your doctor? Look into a therapist to help you sort through your feelings? Take some time to think before you do any of these things or even consider them? I think right now all of that is okay.

Sending you big hugs, either side or regular, if you're okay with them. Please feel free to talk with and vent to us about this. We're here for you.

[itsmyparty]

Thank you, tiramisu. I need to figure out what I want to do. I guess I should get tested. I haven't found a counselor I've really liked since moving here, and frankly the costs are outrageous and unaffordable (my insurance doesn't cover counseling). But I'm alarmed at my self-blaming and insecurity, and yes, sadness that this was a guy I liked and seemed perfectly decent.

[bullygirl979]

I'm so sorry this happened to you. As tiramisu said, I think all of your feelings are very, very normal. I also think as women we are socialized to feel the blame, too. Like, it's our fault these things happen. Please do not feel bad about getting so drunk. YOU are not to blame for any of this happening.

If you can't find an ongoing therapist you like, you can also contact RAINN for some support. They have a national link so they may be able to also help you with some local connections. I linked their site below. Please post as little or often as you like, about this or just to chat. It's a good group of women here.

centers.rainn.org/

[tiramisu]

itsmyparty there may be some good community resources for counseling. In my city at one point the YWCA had outpatient counseling and there are other options as well. If you'd like any assistance finding out about community resources, let me know and I'd be happy to help. Of course, that's if you don't mind PMing me your location, so I get not wanting to do that. RAINN is a great place to start.

[udscoobychick]

I'm so sorry this happened to you. You are not to blame, and any/all of your feelings are valid. Does your work have an EAP that might be able to help with a couple counseling sessions?

[doriswe]

(( itsmyparty )) I'm sorry this happened to you and am sending you all the hugs.

[gault]

If your work has an EAP, you'll be able to talk to someone for your immediate needs, like just processing what happened. They'll be able to get you long term referrals and work with your insurance, too.

First of all, though, so many hugs. I'm sorry that this happened to you. Feel what you're feeling.

It is difficult to have someone in a category in your head - nice guy, date, attractive- and then having to put them in a completely different area - not respectful, rapist. It is hard to process, so be gentle with yourself.

[itsmyparty]

udscoobychick, gault, unfortunately my current job doesn't offer EAP, which sucks because i've used it in the past (for instance, when my marriage was falling apart). Counselors here in my HCOL area are outrageously expensive - $350/hour - so I haven't been able to establish a connection with any of them. It's very frustrating.

What makes this worse is that I was raped many years ago, but it was a totally different situation (violent, didn't know the guy) and was easy to categorize, whereas this isn't and has me doubting myself and my judgment.

bullygirl979, thanks for the resource. I am going to look into what's available in my area.

[TR]

itsmyparty - this may be unhelpful as I don't know how to find one, mine was recommended to me, but look for a pre-licensed professional. I was able to see one for about $60/hr about 5 years ago. They have all of the training, they're just racking up hours for licensure.

[doglove]

Big hugs to you.

[smock]

I'm so sorry this happened to you. You absolutely did nothing wrong. And it's okay if your feeling change. Please be kind to yourself.

[chalupa]

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

[spindle92]

I didn't want to read and not post anything.
I do not have any suggestions for resources but I just want you to know you did nothing to deserve this.
Lots and lots of hugs to you.

[itsmyparty]

Thank you, everyone, for your virtual hugs. I need them. Today I've been trying to distract myself with work, but I feel like I'm on the verge of a panic attack, honestly. So I'm definitely going to seek out some resources so I can just talk to some people.

[idahome]

I’m so sorry this happened to you. I hope you’re able to find the support and resources you need to process this.

Many kind thoughts going your way.

[cuddlyevil]

I am so sorry this happened to you.