Advice on blending families?

[quesrah]

My BF and I are making plans for me and my DD to move in to his house with him and his boys. Between us we have three kids (8, 8, and 6) who have known each other since they were babies and were already friends before we started dating. Are there any good resources for advice on blending families? I feel like we already have a good start, but there have to be things that haven't even occurred to us to figure out.

[freezorburn]

The co-parents handbook by Karen Bonnell has a section on blending families

[dancelnow]

I don't have any resources, other than going through this myself. Also in the boat that the kids have known each other since babies and are best friends. Areas that we have had to really discuss and continue to refine are discipline (do you have the same behavior standards, how much can the non-parent do, what to do about behavior with the other parent), sharing costs with regards to kids, how to handle rooms (everyone get their own?), any issues with religion and differing beliefs, is the master suite off limits to them?, etc.

[quesrah]

Jan 25, 2018 22:23:10 GMT -5 dancelnow said:

I don't have any resources, other than going through this myself. Also in the boat that the kids have known each other since babies and are best friends. Areas that we have had to really discuss and continue to refine are discipline (do you have the same behavior standards, how much can the non-parent do, what to do about behavior with the other parent), sharing costs with regards to kids, how to handle rooms (everyone get their own?), any issues with religion and differing beliefs, is the master suite off limits to them?, etc.

This is helpful. Have you seen the kids' relationship change through this? In our case, the kids don't yet know what's coming (it's 6+ months away), and I'm just waiting 'til they realize that it's not always going to be fun and games...

[dancelnow]

Well so far they are loving it. We each have them 50% of the time and BF works rotating shifts so it’s really variable when they are both here. However they are always still excited for the next time they get to be together. We joke that they get along so great now that if we were to get married and they actually were siblings, they’d probably suddenly hate each other and we’re afraid to jinx it.

Ours are also six months, although one grade, apart. We’re very careful to show that we impose the same standards and expectations on both of them. We try to make clear that treating them fairly/equally is not the same as the same because they each have different needs and issues (mine gets whiny and tired earlier, his gets rambunctious and needs to be calmed).

We also started by easing them into it with sleep overs that gradually just became more and more frequent. Now basically he’s over here every night that he’s not on night shift and we’re working to make his daughter’s bedroom her own. He still has his house that we’ll fix up over time to get it ready to sell or rent out. I realized I never made it clear to DS that they were really moving in when one night he said something along the lines of “this isn’t your house” to her. Not in a mean way, but matter of fact. BF took it as DS didn’t want them here, but I got him to realize that kids are just literal. As far as DS knew, they were just having a lot of sleepovers. We got them straightened out that she now has 3 houses (mom’s, dad’s and ours) and it’s all good.

[TheSeaward]

I'll be brutally honest. Fully understand the dynamic between him, his ex wife and the current living conditions of the children. Carefully consider that you may have full custody some day and how will that look for you and your children. If his ex is even the slightest crazy, unreasonable, etc, expect it to get ratcheted up. I married a man with 4 kids and visitation was fine, but then one day we had full custody and it has been incredibly difficult for everyone involved. As the children age, their relationships with their step siblings will change too, be prepared for that. What about his parents/siblings? Are they the type to undermine you, him, the ex? Can either of you truly treat the kids the same and fairly across the board, or will protective instinct kick in when one parent disciplines a child that isn't theirs? Also, don't automatically assume the role of "mother" to his children, let him parent them and you parent yours.

Just some things to consider that I have experienced, wish I had known or wish I had done differently.