How to handle when your kid is left out??

[orval]

My ds (11) has dyspraxia or Developmental Coordination Disorder (DCD) along with some learning disabilities.  How do you deal with it as a parent when your kid is left out of activities everyone else does?  Today they had a 5th grade vs. the teachers basketball game.  My ds got relegated to taking photos with an ipad while the other kids got to play.  He was on the verge of tears when I asked him why he didn't play.  He shrugged his shoulders and said he wanted to play.  They encouraged other kids with disabilities (Down's) to play.  Of course, his disability is not visible.  I am trying to encourage him to stand up for himself but it is hard to instill confidence.  
Any advice?  I had to leave so I could cry all the way home

[sacattack]

I would be calling the school and be very clear about my expectations here. He needs to be asked to play.

I thought this post was going to be about kids and thought it wouldn't be so black and white.

[waverly]

In that particular situation, I would ask the school about it and ask they include him. But I know things like this come up all the time.

DS has eustachian tube dysfunction which causes vestibular issues and causes issues with his movements very similar to DCD. It's hard to watch him not be at the same level as other kids or struggle.

He hasn't been excluded yet to that point, but I know it is probably in his future when kids go onto to play more competitive sports, and he will never be at that level. And since his disability is also not visible, I don't think other parents really get it. Like I will say oh we are working on getting his muscles stronger, and they are still wondering why he isn't playing hockey or something like that. And I am like that is code for physical therapy. But then I don't want to mention therapy because then I get parents that want to give me advice, so we are stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I did drop off his OT report, so that even though the school won't offer services they at least know what is going on with him. He is only 7 though, so I am sure things will change when he moves to higher grades/ different schools.

[orval]

Thanks. This is not the first time he has been left out. Last year they picked partners for a big field trip and he was left with no one. He was really upset about that. I did contact the teacher but it was already done. Unfortunately, I am not usually there for these things. This time I witnessed it but could do nothing as I was sandwiched in the bleachers and couldn't get out to talk to him.
I have emailed the teacher, but again it is over and done. It was a one time thing that only the 5th graders get to do so he had been watching it for 5 years. I don't know how he got on the sidelines. It was heartbreaking to watch him stand there awkwardly while everyone else got to play. I always brace myself in hopes that it will be a great experience but always know it could be bad. I really thought he would be included this time. We sent in his basketball clothes/shoes etc. I am just do sad. He usually recovers quickly and forgets and moves on, but I worry of the build up over time.

[akafred]

Oh that is so sad. I am so sorry he wanted to play and didn't get to.

[lemonberry]

I'm so sorry. I'd be crying. Even though it's over, I hope the teacher responds with how they plan to ensure he's included in all future activities.

[funchicken]

I'm so sorry that happened to your DS. I would definitely be calling the teacher and requesting a meeting. Was this during school hours?

This isn't the same, but my DD has a severe peanut allergy (airborne and contact), and the teacher always contacts me in advance if they have activities or events where there will be food so that DD can participate safely. If I were you would want the teacher to contact me in advance of things like the basketball game to figure out how to arrange things so your DS can participate safely.

[auntie]

I am so sorry orval, I know the pain of driving home from school with hot tears streaming down my face.

I think this is worth a sit down to discuss how and why this happened. Don't let it drop just because what's done is done; you need to advocate and plan for the next time because there always is a next time. And that bullshit about letting kids pick their own partner doesn't prepare any student for the collaborative workplace in their futures where they'll need to work with people who aren't like them. If he has an IEP, it might be best to address it there- especially if he's headed to middle school next year because this sort of thing happens frequently there too.

I have a hunch about this, based on my son's own experience in PE and these sorts of "all-in" sporting events. In DS's school these were overseen by his PE teacher who understood that regular PE was hard for DS and that these events were really hard. Sometimes DS's PE teacher would have him keep score, referee, or be the DJ when he was struggling to participate in a fast paced activity. I wonder if this is what happened in this situation. Perhaps your son can't easily keep up or is even in danger at times and this was a way to have him participate without being hurt or stigmatized. Or perhaps he doesn't generally participate easily in PE and an assumption was made that he wouldn't want to do this either.

DS has an ASD (Aspergers), ADHD, Specific LD and GAD dx. We bridged DS from a reading lab school to the local public school in 4th. The school dropped the ball and did not complete either his eval or IEP ahead of the first day, so they gave him services and accommodations based on what I asked for. His classroom and resource teachers were aware of his needs, but I/the school forgot about specials. The very first day of gym, the PE teacher called me and said "So, what's up with your kid?" He was doing great in the mainstream, his resource teacher didn't entirely believe that he had ASD but the gym teacher immediately saw the difficulties he was having and wanted to know what she could do to make the class easier and more fun.

The other thing that was really useful for me was to go and observe during Education Week open house. I always sat in during things like PE and music because they are classes where shit can go sideways in the hands of a mediocre teacher.

[NandaB]

So I agree with auntie that its sit down time with the teacher(s) and principal.

But, I also think that at his age he can and ahould be working on standing up for himself in whatever way he is currently able to. So maybe that looks like role playing asking to participate ("I want to play too") or maybe he has a friend in class that he can ask to help him when he is feeling left out?

[waverly]

auntie, what a great idea to sit in on the specials classes during education /observation week. I usually skipped it because of work and already had seen what was going on in the classroom. But with DS's motor skills issues gym is a big question mark to me. I've asked the team to pass information onto the PE teacher, but never actually spoken to him. I should probably send him an email because they have it daily, and I never get any feedback on it. Nothing for Parent Teacher Conferences and nothing on the report card. Same with the other specials but those he doesn't really have a weakness in except maybe art/ fine motor.

[funchicken]

auntie, your comment about observing music class brought up an issue that we've been having. Each year the kids do a class show that is directed by the music teacher. The past 2 years they've had special parts (speaking parts or instruments) that are given to about 20 kids out of 120. DD is dying for one of these parts, and she hasn't gotten one. Several of the kids who had special parts last year have them again this year, and I do suspect that the music teacher is the type who has her favorites.

It breaks my heart that DD wants a part so badly, auditions, and gets overlooked. Advice? Should I try to talk to the music teacher about this (in a nice way, of course)?

[auntie]

Feb 4, 2018 12:06:46 GMT -5 waverly said:

auntie , what a great idea to sit in on the specials classes during education /observation week. I usually skipped it because of work and already had seen what was going on in the classroom. But with DS's motor skills issues gym is a big question mark to me. I've asked the team to pass information onto the PE teacher, but never actually spoken to him. I should probably send him an email because they have it daily, and I never get any feedback on it. Nothing for Parent Teacher Conferences and nothing on the report card. Same with the other specials but those he doesn't really have a weakness in except maybe art/ fine motor.

You could always schedule a conference with the PE teacher or even reach out via email. I know it doesn't seem as the academic piece, but often a student will have this same teacher for 6-7 years of elementary so it makes sense to loop them in early on. Often kids with subtle or invisible disabilities could use a little understanding in these less structured classes.


LOLz- DS had 2 PE teachers in elementary- a woman and Mr. Johnson who did the health portion including sex ed aka "the talk" and DARE. He was a new hire to coach boys swim team at the high school but there were no secondary slots, so he got stuck with elementary his first 3 years in the district. When Ds moved to middle school, Mr. Johnson moved as well. DS had him for PE in 7th and health (sex and drugs and rock'n'roll) in 8th. Mr. Johnson finally got a position at the high school the year DS moved to the high school. DS had him for 9th grade swimming, 10th grade health and for Drivers Ed and First Aid/Emergency Preparedness as a senior. 

[auntie]

Feb 6, 2018 10:17:12 GMT -5 funchicken said:

auntie , your comment about observing music class brought up an issue that we've been having. Each year the kids do a class show that is directed by the music teacher. The past 2 years they've had special parts (speaking parts or instruments) that are given to about 20 kids out of 120. DD is dying for one of these parts, and she hasn't gotten one. Several of the kids who had special parts last year have them again this year, and I do suspect that the music teacher is the type who has her favorites.

It breaks my heart that DD wants a part so badly, auditions, and gets overlooked. Advice? Should I try to talk to the music teacher about this (in a nice way, of course)?

If it's 20 slots and 21 kids, I would absolutely say something. But if these slots go to the same talented set of students year to year, I wouldn't unless your DD has some talent the teacher doesn't know about. I'm not sure I would invoke the notion of "favorites" but I might talk about how sometimes talent rather than "fairness" drives selection for these sorts of things. It's a lesson kids need to learn although I would prefer it happen closer to middle school.

If she wants to perform, maybe music lessons or theater camp would be a good enrichment for her.  

[funchicken]

Feb 6, 2018 11:34:05 GMT -5 auntie said:

Feb 6, 2018 10:17:12 GMT -5 funchicken said:

auntie , your comment about observing music class brought up an issue that we've been having. Each year the kids do a class show that is directed by the music teacher. The past 2 years they've had special parts (speaking parts or instruments) that are given to about 20 kids out of 120. DD is dying for one of these parts, and she hasn't gotten one. Several of the kids who had special parts last year have them again this year, and I do suspect that the music teacher is the type who has her favorites.

It breaks my heart that DD wants a part so badly, auditions, and gets overlooked. Advice? Should I try to talk to the music teacher about this (in a nice way, of course)?

If it's 20 slots and 21 kids, I would absolutely say something. But if these slots go to the same talented set of students year to year, I wouldn't unless your DD has some talent the teacher doesn't know about. I'm not sure I would invoke the notion of "favorites" but I might talk about how sometimes talent rather than "fairness" drives selection for these sorts of things. It's a lesson kids need to learn although I would prefer it happen closer to middle school.

If she wants to perform, maybe music lessons or theater camp would be a good enrichment for her.  

She just joined chorus, and she's in an after school drama club, so we're doing our best to provide her with opportunities.

I would never invoke the idea of favorites with the music teacher. I was thinking more like asking the music teacher next year if there was a way for me to help DD work on her audition at home because it would mean a lot to her to get a special part. These parts are not ones that seem to showcase much talent --it's more like a dozen of the kids get to wear animal costumes and a dozen get to play small percussion instruments and the rest are part of the chorus.

[waverly]

funchicken, I think it would be good to ask just to express interest. If your child hasn't said anything to the teacher directly, she may not know she is interested in participating.

[funchicken]

auntie, I do see your point about kids needing to learn that sometimes talent rather than fairness drives the selection process. Although I wish that in elementary school the music teacher used the opportunity to give different kids parts each year, so as many kids as possible got to feel like they were picked for something special.

I reminded DD that she wasn't the only one who was disappointed and reminded her of a time when she got chosen for something special.

[agedsubaru]

I found PE was a great place to see how DD was performing. Forced inclusion is the mantra in our district. The PE class is where this couldn't be so it was good for me to see how DD was doing. Observing specials was useful for us.

[erbear]

I'm so sorry that happened. I would also contact school. There's no reason he couldn't be out there in that game.

I have a student this year with some physical limitations. I make sure to check in with her mom when it's something I'm worried about and we just work out how to make it so she can participate. This year (8th grade) is the first she hasn't participated in gym though - parents and school decided it wasn't safe for her to play with the kids anymore and she does alternative exercise. 

[waverly]

I sent an e-mail to the PE teacher to check in and give him information, and I also suggested coming to observe the class. Just waiting for a response.