Money and Marriage

[bk1]

Anyone have recommendations for books or podcasts for handling money in a marriage? Advice? Tips/Tricks? Especially if one spouse is a spender and the other a saver. 

[estrellita]

I had to look it up, someone here recommended One Bed, One Bank Account and I liked it. I think H only read part of it and we never did the workbook because he was supposed to be in charge of it... Lol.

One thing that has helped us is giving H his own checking account (that I have access to) to use how he wants. So if he wants to randomly buy a movie or game, he uses that money. It's helped him reign in the unnecessary spending while still being able to make his own decisions, and me being on the account helps me trust that he's not buying anything he shouldn't be.

[krystee]

Smart Couples Finish Rich (book) if you're more focused on aligning your dreams and working toward them, or Financial Peace University (class) if you have debt and need to get on the same page about it.

[luv2rn4fun]

We each have a monthly “allowance” where the other spouse can’t get annoyed with purchases made from that money. It helps a lot because DH totally would not be on board with my coffee adventures, bagels on a weekly basis, trips to disneyland, etc. and he can buy things I don’t necessarily approve of as well.

[travelbug]

Ditto to krystee’s comments. I would recommend both of those.

Along with, The 5 Money Personalites by Scott & Bethany Palmer and Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey (goes with Financial Peace University)

[amaranth]

Although in general my husband and I have been lucky enough to mostly align in our financial thoughts, I've always been the more active manager and he used to be a bit clueless about where our money was actually going. What helped him become more engaged was using a budget system that showed how all the money was being sent in a quick view. Now he can log in or I can send him screenshots. We use YNAB but I tried a few other systems that I liked okay as well, such as every dollar, budget ease, mint, etc.

[bk1]

amaranth I used YNAB for 18 months or so but stopped tracking when C was born and never got back to it. Honestly DH left his job a month after she was born and I kept my head buried in the sand to survive the next year. With this new job he will have steady income again so I need to fix this mess we are now in financially.

We have paid all of our credit card debt off twice in our marriage so far. Now it is racked back up. The problem is I want it all paid off because I don't like to carry cc debt while DH feels it's normal to have and doesn't bother him. He did admit how nice it was to have to paid off before. I need him to get serious about not spending so much f%cking money.

[amaranth]

Feb 5, 2018 15:35:34 GMT -5 bk1 said:

amaranth I used YNAB for 18 months or so but stopped tracking when C was born and never got back to it. Honestly DH left his job a month after she was born and I kept my head buried in the sand to survive the next year. With this new job he will have steady income again so I need to fix this mess we are now in financially.

We have paid all of our credit card debt off twice in our marriage so far. Now it is racked back up. The problem is I want it all paid off because I don't like to carry cc debt while DH feels it's normal to have and doesn't bother him. He did admit how nice it was to have to paid off before. I need him to get serious about not spending so much f%cking money.

Have you asked him what his long term plan for your finances would be? Does he just want to use credit cards until a certain salary, then use the extra to pay them off? Does he plan to always live with a balance and eventually die with a balance because he never paid them off? At what point would he feel uncomfortable with an amount of debt? 

Maybe he has no idea at all, but if something seems logical in his head maybe you can start with his plan and try to somehow merge them with what you'd like to see long term. 

It's so hard to learn how to stop spending money when it's a habit, and frankly, so much fun. lol. 

[estrellita]

bk1 my H was the same way and I'm like you. I've never made minimum payments on CCs - they always get paid in full. H had a good amount of CC debt and I helped him realize how much better it was to pay it off instead of just making the small payments and taking forever to pay it off. I'm much more focused on getting rid of debts before taking on another than he is still but he's coming around. He's starting to want to pay off the car because we don't have a ton left, but I'm waiting for A's medical bills first. I also will get my bonus when I go back to work so if it's not paid off by then, we can likely do it then! Anyways, I just keep reminding H how much more money we'll have once we get rid of some payments and can start saving more for vacations and fun stuff we want, like a new TV or other stuff for the house.

[bk1]

amaranth I think that is a conversation we need to have. We have talked about it before but it's been awhile. His new job is hourly and will have on call work and regular overtime. Even at 40 hours a week he will be making almost 10k more a year than his previous salary job. While cost of gas and wear and tear on vehicle will come at a higher cost with the added commute, we should have money to start aggressively paying off debt.


estrellita It is such a frustrating problem. Thankfully as of right now our debt only includes mortgage, HELOC loan, credit cards and medical (from C's birth). It's still a lot but I know we are in a good position having paid off student loans and vehicles. That said, DH's truck is 16 years old and has 200k miles on it and he will now be driving approx 120 miles a day so we will need to save/plan to replace his vehicle sooner then originally planned. At least he works 4 days a week?

[estrellita]

bk1 that isn't too bad! I can't wait to get our student loans paid off. The payments are lower than our car payment though and I figure we would potentially need a new car in the next few years (mine is still really low mileage but H's is getting up there) so I want it paid off before then. H was underwater on his car loan when we bought this one so that's why it's taking so long! But yeah, it's super frustrating when you're not on the same page with things as big as money. Even if you were to have separate accounts, you'd still have to collaborate to pay bills so there isn't really a way to just let each person do their thing.

[luv2rn4fun]

I saw something on Facebook last night that stated 80% of couples going through a divorce said that their fights primarily focused on money issues. I knew it was a big factor but didn’t realize it was that high up there (if I remember from our premarital class days it was money, sex, and parenting as the top three factors causing divorce).

[bk1]

Feb 7, 2018 16:46:24 GMT -5 luv2rn4fun said:

I saw something on Facebook last night that stated 80% of couples going through a divorce said that their fights primarily focused on money issues. I knew it was a big factor but didn’t realize it was that high up there (if I remember from our premarital class days it was money, sex, and parenting as the top three factors causing divorce).

I believe it. My mom and dad divorced when I was little, and although my mom said it was a mutual decision and based on lots of stuff, she has always stressed the importance of talking money and how hard it is in a relationship.


DH has always had spending issues. I took over the finances when we were engaged and he started traveling. He had 12 credit cards. All small balances, but 12!! Since job stuff was an issue all through 2017 we just didn't track and talk about things like we should have. This new job puts us in a much, much better situation. Higher pay, better benefits, upward movement available and highly likely. I think amaranth hit the nail on the head. We just need to talk priorities, plans, etc.

I appreciate the input from everyone.

[luv2rn4fun]

Feb 7, 2018 20:15:31 GMT -5 bk1 said:

Feb 7, 2018 16:46:24 GMT -5 luv2rn4fun said:

I saw something on Facebook last night that stated 80% of couples going through a divorce said that their fights primarily focused on money issues. I knew it was a big factor but didn’t realize it was that high up there (if I remember from our premarital class days it was money, sex, and parenting as the top three factors causing divorce).

I believe it. My mom and dad divorced when I was little, and although my mom said it was a mutual decision and based on lots of stuff, she has always stressed the importance of talking money and how hard it is in a relationship.


DH has always had spending issues. I took over the finances when we were engaged and he started traveling. He had 12 credit cards. All small balances, but 12!! Since job stuff was an issue all through 2017 we just didn't track and talk about things like we should have. This new job puts us in a much, much better situation. Higher pay, better benefits, upward movement available and highly likely. I think amaranth hit the nail on the head. We just need to talk priorities, plans, etc.

I appreciate the input from everyone.

I hope you guys can get back on the same page. I can see why you guys buried your heads, you were just trying to get by and survive. Makes total sense and many would do the same in your situation.

I totally see how it would as well. My mom and step dad divorced when I was high school age. I know they fought a lot about money (and money must have been a factor in my parents divorce because they ultimately wanted different things out of life...my mom valued being home for us and I think my dad preferred they both work but that’s really only her side of the story). Anyways, before we got engaged I told DH I never wanted to fight about money. He is so extreme savings wise (which works because our budget is tight with two kids on one income). When we got engaged we created a budget we thought was realistic and we were both comfortable sticking to. Part of that was our individual fun money. Things are always tight and I don’t agree on every dollar spent (and neither does DH), but for the most part things haven’t changed all that much and we do our best to stick within our budget while maxing our retirement. If it were up to me we would loosen up on retirement a little to create more flexibility. If it were up to DH he would throw some money we have saved onto the mortgage (the money is saved for a remodel I want to do down the line...I doubt we will ever be able to save the money again so we need to keep it accessible since DH would not refinance to do a remodel).

Anyways, I hope you guys can talk and work on a compromise you are both happy with. It’s important to be on the same page. And I know it’s hard to be reliant on your DH financially when you feel like things aren’t as stable as they should be. Good luck! You guys seem to have a very good relationship and work through your issues well...I am sure you both will get back to a good place.