Am I being weird?

[HeartofCheese]

I have already done what I was going to do, but just looking for a little feedback about not letting my MIL's new boyf around the kids (4 and 5).

They've been dating since December. I've met him 3x during short visits with limited 1x1 time. As soon as I heard that she had a boyfriend, I had every intention of limiting his contact with DD and DS until I was extremely comfortable with him and felt like he was going to be around awhile (which hasn't happened yet). Having met him, my creep-o-meter is not going off, but really, I feel like I haven't had enough contact yet. He doesn't seem to leave my MIL's side for the most part, but again - limited contact. He has no kids. Seems kind. Seems interested in kids, but unsure of himself. He has nieces and nephews, but not sure what his relationship is with them. He's also from a rural county which, in my experience, provides more opportunities for weird shit. 

My MIL also has terrible judgment about many things. TBH, she's 100% the type of companion I've usually found coupled with convicted sex offenders. Poor judgment, a wilful blind eye, justifications, lack of interest in the kids, negligent, her last H was abusive to her and kids and she never left, etc.

The scenario: STBXH failed to tell me about a conflict with work during a time he's usually watching the kids. I had already made plans. He contacted his mom to babysit for a couple of hours, but I said that the new boyf can't come. Just MIL. She agreed, but was not happy. Should I feel bad?

My history: 4 years of sex offense specific, court-ordered therapy with multiple clients for offenses oh-so-similar to this exact scenario (I was the therapist.), and just being a cautious mom. I know I'm overreaching a bit here with all of my assumption and generalizations, but I really don't want my kids to be harmed ever.

If you think I'm being crazy, def let me know. "Where wise action is the fruit of life, wise discourse is the pollination."

[xctsclrx]

For you:

I think you have some bias going on. I think your work has colored that.

BUT: you do have a reason not to just your MIL's judgement in men. That is fact.

Why does she want him there for only a couple of hours though? Sounds like he might be controlling or at the very least insecure.
I want to say that you are the mom and your gut should be enough, however you are getting divorced and will not have the control over who gets to spend time with your kids when they are with your EXH. I would run a background check on him to calm your nerves and then you and DH need to be on the same page about these kind of things. Is he in agreement or does he think you are overreacting?

[ECB]

You need to do what feels right. Clealry your MIL doesn’t have great judgment, so you’re working with what you know. I don’t blame you one bit.

My only thought to the other side - you aren’t going to be able to control your children’s interactions with other adults their entire childhood. I’m thinking about in a couple years when they want to go to friends houses, etc. Youre working with a very specific scenario - i get that. But your somewhat overarching motivation - just realize you probably aren’t going to get to know all adults that interact with your kids to a level you seem to want.

[covergirl82]

Given past history of bad judgment in men, and my MIL has terrible judgment when it comes to men, I think you are justified in saying no to the boyf being around when your kids are. I would never let my kids be in her care if she had a boyf and he was present.

Can you run his name in the sex offender registry? I totally would if it were me.

ETA:  I also wanted to add that, IMO, it is always better to err on the side of caution when it comes to your children. 

[2chatter]

This will only get worse the farther you are from your divorce - New wife’s MIL could be the same. So I would say find some
Peace in all of it - I don’t think you are being unreasonable, but after the solution is live, don’t keep stressing or you will lose your mind.

[HeartofCheese]

So true. I won't be able to control who is around them all the time, but I want to do what I reasonably can as an objectively cautious mom.

I ended up changing my plans, anyway, to be home with the kids. MIL is still coming over (w boyf), so I'll get to know him even better. As awkward as it all may be...

Part of my overzealous assumptions though is due to the fact that none of the clients "looked like sex offenders" and their personalities varied greatly. They had similar coping cycles with pretty normal/common types of problems, but really no explanation of how they took that leap from negative coping to "I'm going to assault someone sexually." If I didn't know they had done it, I wouldn't have guessed that they were capable of it. At least not without the other tools available to me as the therapist. So. Bias fueled by the fear of the unknown...life is a bitch.

[mommyatty]

I agree with everyone who is saying this isn’t something you’re going to be able to control, even if you are exactly right. And STBXH doesn’t appear to be a fountain of good judgment himself, so the odds of him backing you up are slim.

I’m sure you have already, but if not, now is the time to start talking about good touches and bad touches and who can touch or see their bathing suit areas. And that if anyone else asks to see or touch those areas, they need to tell you, even if they told another adult.

[mustardseed2007]

HeartofCheese, 100% you are not being weird, you are being wise.

And 100% you need to get the tools in place to help your kids communicate with you and understand how to share things with you and tell others no etc etc.

It's not an either or and when the opportunity arises for you to tell your XH and EXMIL "no, I'm not comfortable" you should not be afraid to speak your mind. However, if it ends up happening because you aren't in control, you can know that you've done your best to help your kids stand on their own two feet with other adults.