SO Vent

[rere]

Feel free to add your own.

This may sound wierd to the non hunting families.

Dh is an avid hunter. I knew this before we got married. It has been a point of contention for a while. He really amped up on the past couple of years citing that he is taking Ds.

This year was miserable. He took vacation, so he was off 3 weeks by himself. He wouldn't make plans on the weekend. When I would ask him to run an errand during the week, while I worked, he was too busy. He would come home, not eat supper with the family, drink beer. Since we didn't really have time to hang out with him,he would spend the night calling people to talk to.

So he gets a deer. The same day I got some questionable blood test results. This year was awful health wise, plus settling my dad's estate, so I was completely hysterical and down. He got upset because I wasn't excited. Why would I be excited? I'm upset, and he was completely self absorbed and not helping for a month. He berated me for 20 minutes as I laid in bed, completely in the dumps over the test results (follow up was ok )

This weekend, we were shopping. I saw a table for our entry way. He had 100 opinions on everything, plus said we had no business spending money on that right now. He gets a txt that his deer mount is done. All of the sudden, he pulls out $400 and informs me this thing is going upstairs over the stairs. Without consulting me. It was my understanding that all of this crap went in the basement.

I am pissed because I an not over the first incident and may never. It showed me a side of him I want no part of. Plus, when it comes to the house, he has an opinion on everything from paint to furniture. I can't believe he thinks it's ok to declare when it's appropriate spend $400 and when it's not and what decor goes where, when I never do.

[awick14]

I don’t normally post here, but come from a long line of avid hunters. (My H started to hunt after joining my family)

Anyways I would not be okay with the initial incident at all. I would be upset that he took that much time off and didn’t do anything with the family, and didn’t seem to care about your health at all.

Maybe it’s just my family but any animal mounts when into garages or basement areas not in the living space we used on a day to day basis.

Is this how he normally is every year? Or just this year?

[waverly]

Oh man I would be super mad too about all of that.

My dad used to be a hunter. He is also a really selfish person. I am sure he did some things when I was growing up but honestly I really don't remember him doing anything with the family or helping my mom out at all. It was really along gender lines. He made the money and she did everything else.

This weekend I think DH knew he had to make up for last weekends grumpiness, so no complaints.

[akafred]

I am very much not from a hunting family, but I have some questions. First I want to say I am sorry you had no support when you needed it first. No excuse for that, period. I divorced my first husband based on something similar to that. Well it was the event that brought it all together for me.

Is this the first deer he ever killed? The first of the season? I don't understand why the thing that is supposed to happen when you go hunting happening means so much to him.

P.S. One night my ex was at a weekly trivia night he went to faithfully for years. My dad called and let me know my mom was dying of cancer and had 6 weeks to live. I had to track down my ex because he didn't have a cell phone (called his friend who knew where the bar was and lived close to go tell him to call me). He called and said something very superficially sorry (like, gee, that sucks, gotta get back to trivia night) and came home several hours later. That was when I knew for sure I was getting a divorce.

[mommyatty]

Also from a family of avid hunters, at least when I was very young. My dad, brother, grandfather (mom’s dad, who taught my dad to hunt), and 3 uncles all hunted. My dad also traveled for work, virtually never took a day off work except for family vacations and maybe one short hunting trip with family per year, was my brother’s Boy Scout leader, and was very supportive of the family. All that to say, this isn’t about hunting. This is about your H being a self-absorbed asshole, at least right now.

And my family hunted for food, so there was never anything mounted anywhere. They alll believed that was disrespectful to the animals.

[rere]

He is normally like this every year. This year seemed worse because he has gotten away with citing taking ds for a couple of years. But Ds can't go during the week because school.

This is by far, not his first deer. I have a house full, in the basement.

I feel like this is him being a man child, and I am not sure when I get to do anything that is all about me, because responsibility.

I am also seeing him as very selfish. He also can't take any kind of criticism without a fit on his part.

[CrazyLucky]

I'm not from a hunting family, but like mommyatty, said, this isn't about hunting. My DH also has hobbies, but if he thinks he's going to use up three weeks of vacation time to get some "me time" or "hobby time," he's wrong. We're part of a family and he needs to pull his weight, whether that's running errands, supporting your spouse emotionally, or make decisions jointly.
Berating anyone for 20 minutes is unacceptable regardless of the reason. The fact that his reason was because you weren't excited about his deer makes it that much worse. You don't deserve to be emotionally abused, no one does. If he doesn't want to go to counseling, you may want to go yourself to help determine if you can or want to recover from this.
Even though I don't hunt, I know plenty of hunters. Very few display their trophies in a common area like the living room. I would definitely not want that!

[twinmomma]

I'm sorry rere, I'm with everyone else. This is him being selfish, nothing to do with what the exact hobby is.

I'm also commiserating in solidarity with you. Last night DH and I had such a blow out fight that I left and went to drive around alone for a while. I just couldn't even be near him. His chief complaint? I'm scheduling his life too much, without his consent, by having a Google calendar with school events and things on it. I shouldn't put anything on our calendar that's more than a month or so out, because it is ridiculous to plan things 6 months out, even if it's a pre-scheduled school event that I'm trying to just remember. He doesn't want to be overwhelmed looking at months of info at a time. Oh, and I shouldn't put anything on the family calendar that involves him unless I have specifically cleared it with him and gotten his approval that he would like to attend. Because that's what his secretary at school does. I lost my shit. And the biggest thing that bothered me? The two events that sparked this conversation were a Daddy Daughter Dance at school and a play that our kids will be in. Both conflict with VOLUNTARY events at his job that he wants to volunteer for. True colors shining through right there. I told him I'll just live my life like a single mom, and he can show up if and when it's convenient for him. I honestly don't know where to go from here.

[kimberlybb]

rere , I feel your pain. My husband is an avid hunter but has yet to attempt to hang any of his trophies anywhere but our basement. That whole situation sounds very selfish on his part. twinmomma , how frustrating!! It's so hard when your partner isn't pulling their weight and you feel like you're in this alone. Hang in there!

[supertrooper1]

I'm sorry rere. I'm in a rural area with lots of hunters and people I know put the trophies in the basement or garage like other people have mentioned. He is being very selfish but it makes me wonder if he feels neglected somehow (most likely not justified) so he feels entitled to take 3 weeks off and not do anything plus out the trophy up. I'm sorry he didn't take your health scare seriously. A spouse should be supportive like that.

[justcheckingin73]

I think he needs a kick in the pants about the blood test result incident. It seems like he’s living his own life. DH is a deer hunter but typically goes only for a weekend or two since he hunts where he grew up, 5 hours south of us. I have a don’t ask, don’t tell policy with him. I don’t want to know the nitty grity details of it all but I will ask if he got a deer. For your DH to berate you for not being excited about him getting his 20 billionth deer is so ridiculous. And the $400 mount - don’t even get me started. I’d be going out and getting a $400 bag!

twinmomma, I don’t blame you for having to get out of there for a bit. I always put things on the calendar when I find out something is occurring - doesn’t matter if it’s next week or a year from now. Same as you, it helps me remember and plan. It’s ridiculous that your DH would tell you not to do it and then to clear it with him first?! I would be raging.

[rere]

twinmomma I would have left the night if the first event if not for the kids, but I'm not sure I'd be back.

[mae0111]

twinmomma, I'm sorry. I have had similar conversations with DH, and I did make a decision several years ago that I will keep him informed, but I don't schedule anything around him. And I don't make up explanations for the kids when he doesn't show. There are hard attendance requirements - DD1 is having surgery this week, for example. He does not have an option to miss that. But I've stopped trying to twist his arm to attend concerts, plays, sporting events, etc. His parents attended nothing, so he thinks this is all appropriate. Honestly, I enjoy the kids' events about 90% of the time, and he's missing out. My dad missed things because he was working 75 hrs a week. His parents usually missed it to sit at home.

rere - you have every right to be pissed about it all. I would be livid. No real advice for you, just sorry that he's being unreasonable.

[2chatter]

Another selfish husband here. Mine said he thinks he is going through a mid life crisis. This would be his third by my count - one preceded our relationship, and maybe doesn’t count, but he has already done this whole thing once in our last 10 years together. He’s just not a functional grown up and won’t keep his therapy appointments, so I am unfortunately very unsupportive.

And...I am unsupportive because he’s hostile and disengaged unless he decides he wants to be nice and be engaged. Because the kids and I have no control over when he decides to tune in, none of us display the requisite excitement that he, for instance, wants to have a conversation with us.

In our house DH is essentially on his own and the kids and I are a family. He joins us sometimes but more often than not doesn’t - or he’s physically present but disengaged. So I put it all on him - he has to do something to effect a change. We can’t do it for him. I’ve made suggestions and he hasn’t taken them. 🤷‍♀️

[twinmomma]

Follow up: I finally admitted to my two best friends how bad things have gotten with DH. They were so supportive and helpful and gave me a lot to think about moving forward. I feel like I'm in this weird limbo, where I kind of feel at peace with the idea of discussing divorce and making a plan. And then I just get wracked with guilt and want to sob about losing him. More realistically, losing his family and our friends. These are people who have been in my life since I was 17. What do I do if they're not around anymore? Ugh. I don't know if I'm ready to pull the trigger on anything, but I know something needs to change. I wish we had a guest room so we could get some space from each other.

[freezorburn]

Sorry to everyone who is struggling with spousal problems.

Something I struggle to understand, having gone through my own version of this -- is how do two people spend loads of time and energy visualizing a future together, start building that life, and then at some point one of them decides it's not what they wanted? And that somehow it's okay to check out -- mentally, emotionally, physically? And by that time maybe you have shared assets, a social life with extended family and friends, and kids? And all of a sudden it's ok to peel off in a different direction?

And twinmomma, just want to give you some validation that YH needs to grow up about the calendar. He needs to accept that is how the world works. Things get scheduled months and years out, and best practice is to put it on there as soon as you know about it. That way if a conflict comes up, you know about it and can make a decision. Having something on the calendar doesn't mean one is obligated to attend, it just means you all have access to a common document that tracks what's happening in the family. That said, I think when he decided to start a family with you that there's an implied agreement that he would be there for the kids. That, and you are NOT his secretary.

Under the terms of my divorce, we schedule my son's life 6-8 months in advance, with some flexibility built in. And it makes sense to do this because school schedules get published that far out. Summer camp registrations open in February and March. Most school-year activities schedule out in 2-3 month blocks of time. If YH can't accept that this is how the rest of the world works, then I would guess that he is picking a fight where there should be none.

[waverly]

twinmomma, from your past posts there is more to this than a calendar. But DH and I have separate google calendars and they are shared with each other. So I guess I could put it on my calendar and it doesn't go on his. I mean he can see it because it is shared but not technically on his. And if I want it technically on his I can send an invite and he would have to accept. But yours would probably get anal and say I didn't get an invite, whereas my H is just like oh such and such is going on. He doesn't care if I send him an invite or not, I just do it to try to make it more in his brain that we have something going on.

And yes like @ freezorburn, you are not his secretary, so no you don't have to do things like his secretary does. I thought he was just a teacher not an AP or anything, so I am not sure why he would have a secretary anyway.

[twinmomma]

waverly, It's about way more than the calendar. It was totally a straw that broke the camel's back. He sent me an apology email at work today. Then came home an hour and a half late, didn't call, and his phone was off. So... ya. Actions are speaking louder than words. I have not accepted the apology or acknowledged it yet. I just can't.

[2chatter]

This is going to make me sound like a nutcase but in case it helps - twinmomma - DH used to do the same thing with his phone being off. I finally got fed up and researched. In his case his two kids or ex wife were the cause one hundred percent of the time. They would blow up his texts and phone so he turned it off. It took me a while to figure out after that - DH didn’t know how to just block them and move on with his day. So I showed him.

Have you looked at his phone records? In my case I was like “are you having an affair!?!” in my head so the truth was a pleasant (?!?) surprise.

Hope this evening goes well. I’m sorry.

[twinmomma]

2chatter, It's strictly because he hates "being tethered" and doesn't bother to keep his phone charged or on him all the time. He also doesn't have texting on his phone, so I can only call him. But he won't check voicemails...

We were up until 1 AM going over a lengthy letter I wrote him explaining how done I am. I think it went ok. I also think unless we get into some real counseling where someone else holds both of us accountable, we'll be back in exactly the same place in a few months. It's what always happens. So now I have to find a counselor and figure out when we can get there.

[erinshelley21]

twinmomma and rere, I'm sorry that your husbands are being children.

Also, how does one get by in 2018 without texting?

[akafred]

Mar 20, 2018 8:21:48 GMT -5 erinshelley21 said:

twinmomma and rere, I'm sorry that your husbands are being children.

Also, how does one get by in 2018 without texting?

I'm pretty sure 90% of my communication with DH M-F is via text

[rere]

Update. Our basement has a family room. There are 3 deer heads there already. The family room has 2 support poles wrapped in wood, and the sectional backs up to those. I walk downstairs at 5:30 this morning and turn on the light and that deer head is hanging off one off those poles in the middle of the room over the couch. WTF. I can't tell if this is a dig, or if he thinks this is a good solution since he has been extremely nice the last 2 days and informed me he is going to pick up the table I picked out. I haven't been cooperative in the niceness.

[akafred]

Jesus rere.

I think my biggest problem with DH is I feel very undermined. Yesterday I caught DD with a HUGE bag of those godawful pink bubble gum things that are so popular at Halloween. She is not allowed to have red (or pink, obv) dye. She also lost her privilege of having gum at school last fall because she was sneaking them and giving them to kids who weren't allowed to have gum, at which point we took her privilege to chew gum away at home. So I confiscate the big bag and remind her the two rules. "Daddy got it for me." Yup. He sure did. He got it for her last Fall. Not sure if before or after the gum issue, but certainly he knows about red dye. I have complained before about the lunches he gives her when he has to pack school lunch, or even when I pack her lunch, he'll throw a bag of junk food in there and she will, of course, eat that to the exclusion of her healthy food, and then get in trouble at school because she didn't eat any protein at lunch and acted out. I try to implement an allowance to help her become better with money (and maybe less entitled) so he takes her to Target or Toys R Us and spends a couple hundred dollars on her. Which, by the way, I strongly feel that on those days she actually acts brattier. I see a pattern. He gets pissy when I say that there is a pattern...but if I say nothing he gets pissy because she doesn't appreciate the things we do for her. I've finally narrowed it down to one complaint. Doing that kind of stuff undermines me and my rules. In general he takes a back seat to my parenting and follows my lead...except when he doesn't and instead undermines it.

I can't actually talk to him about any of it because, again, he gets pissy.

[twinmomma]

erinshelley21, It's insane. He won't text. He wants us to "use a phone the way it was intended to be used." But then he won't answer the phone. And he won't check voicemails. And if I call about something simple like "Hey, grab milk on the way home" he finds that a waste of a phone call. There's literally no way to win.

[HeartofCheese]

twinmomma, send him a pic of your boobs via text and maybe he'll change his mind.

Just kidding. Sorry you're going through this. I would figure out how to make his schedule his problem. You might take a couple of hits for awhile when he isn't where he is supposed to be, but it will reveal one of 2 things:

1. He'll either change b/c he wants to be there, or
2. He won't change which means you can't fix this problem and you get to decide whether or not to move on.

[erinshelley21]

twinmomma, have you asked him how the secretary communicates with him since she apparently has the best way to do everything?
akafred, is he unable to connect the dots between the food she eats and the junk food? Has he actually witnessed the fall out?

[akafred]

Mar 20, 2018 8:55:33 GMT -5 erinshelley21 said:

akafred, is he unable to connect the dots between the food she eats and the junk food? Has he actually witnessed the fall out?

I honestly don't know what his deal is. I don't know if he disagrees with me that she struggles with red dye and/or not eating enough protein and this is his way of dealing with it rather than saying something directly to me (he definitely avoids conflict, as do I, but I *think* I am way more approachable than him on this stuff, if he would actually try). Or very possibly he just wants to be the "cool dad" kind of thing. As I was typing all this up earlier it occurred to me that his junk food sneakiness and random spending sprees are a lot like the stereotypical divorced dad who spoils the kids on his weekends. Only we're not divorced and it really does send the message that mom's rules aren't important enough for him to help enforce. Is it any wonder DD doesn't respect them?

[2chatter]

akafred - DH pulls similar stuff with the kids - notably taking them for ice cream twice in one day and not feeding them lunch. Can you leave him with the outcome of his actions? It works here when I can pull it off - DH points out his bad choices so I don’t have to. I usually won’t leave for more than an hour because he becomes a screamy train wreck when the kids are obnoxious.

And on the food topic can I just say I wanted to smack DH this weekend at camp - DD said the French toast looked good and DH said something like “I don’t understand why you don’t just eat it then. So much drama.” 1) there was no drama 2) because it would make her sick? He says things like that a lot and I am really losing patience with it. It’s frankly mean.

[erinshelley21]

Mar 20, 2018 9:18:31 GMT -5 akafred said:

Mar 20, 2018 8:55:33 GMT -5 erinshelley21 said:

akafred , is he unable to connect the dots between the food she eats and the junk food? Has he actually witnessed the fall out?

I honestly don't know what his deal is. I don't know if he disagrees with me that she struggles with red dye and/or not eating enough protein and this is his way of dealing with it rather than saying something directly to me (he definitely avoids conflict, as do I, but I *think* I am way more approachable than him on this stuff, if he would actually try). Or very possibly he just wants to be the "cool dad" kind of thing. As I was typing all this up earlier it occurred to me that his junk food sneakiness and random spending sprees are a lot like the stereotypical divorced dad who spoils the kids on his weekends. Only we're not divorced and it really does send the message that mom's rules aren't important enough for him to help enforce. Is it any wonder DD doesn't respect them?

Have you asked him if he disagrees? I know you both hate conflict, but the conflict is just going to continue if you don't address it. He is making life so confusing for C by not sticking to one set of rules. Maybe find a set of rules that allows you both to have what you want? On weekends they can have a junk food snack together if she goes X number of days without getting into trouble at school or if she does all of her chores they can go on a spending spree, with a specified dollar amount. 

I get the whole not wanting to raise brats. I had to put rules on my mom's surprises for DS and she wasn't too thrilled. She was dropping almost $20 on him every time we went shopping or ran errands, which is once a weekend. It's also for her benefit too because she's not great with money and she now has DD that she wants to spoil and my brother's baby.