Telling once a week coaches

[mightymaude]

ETA: Primary diagnosis is anxiety leading to reduced processing and working memory. We still suspect some level of ADHD, but will not retest yet.

DD adores her gymnastics coach. The kid is never going to progress beyond "slightly less awkward" but is there because she wants to be and because it will make her stronger and give her goals to work towards.

I can tell that her gymnastics coach finds her kind of annoying. It's a real gym and the coaches are real gymnasts. They have a lot of success in the higher levels every year. DD is comfortable there because we have been going for years (they have open playtime on Sat mornings and it is 5 min from our house). The level 1 class (lowest class other than preschool) has a variety of skill levels. DD is probably mid-range for her class, but also low considering her age (all of the kids below her are 5 or brand new--she is 7.5). DD is the bouncy kid that can't consistently remember directions. She wants to do it, but because she is also happy this actually leads to silliness too. She is uncoordinated (like I said, not there to turn into an Olympian) and falls off of the balance beam a ton. Some is probably on purpose because she thinks it is funny. I recognize that this would get annoying, and as a teacher, I know I would be frustrated if this kid were in my class.

But when her coach is not there, DD refuses to participate completely. Her coach missed this week and will miss next week too, so we are scheduled with two makeups so that she can be with her coach. We have tried to work with subsitutes. It is a non-starter.

I want to tell her coach why we are at the makeups, b/c DD is self aware enough to recognize the irritation and be hurt by it. But, I also don't want said coach to decide she needs to let DD get away with murder (which she would try to do). So, how do I do this?

TLDR: DD can be annoying but loves her gymnastics coach. Gymnastics coach appears annoyed, esp since DD is a weak link. Do I explain that she actually adores her and needs a touch more understanding or not?

[waverly]

I think yes tell her. For one if she works with a lot of children she is probably already aware that something is up. I would address the fear that she would let your daughter get away with murder directly. She may still get annoyed if it’s a in the moment type thing momentary annoyance but then she can step back and remember what you told her hopefully.

Does it seem like the kind of place /person that would be discreet? Or maybe address that too by saying please keep this to yourself.

[akafred]

I think I would. I would probably couch it as a thank you for being someone that DD can consistently look up to in her life. You may not know this, but DD has pretty severe anxiety, and I know that can make her a little hard to handle sometimes, but she really adores you. Did you know that when you aren't here, she refuses to participate? I debated whether to say anything because I don't want to change your relationship, and I appreciate that you are someone who holds her to task and doesn't let her get away with murder.. something along those lines. The improvement you want will likely follow.

[auntie]

Individual pursuits like martial arts, dance and gymnastics tend to attract kids with differences. This means, those who coach tend to be intuitively good with kids who are different or they resent the shit out of dealing with more than their fair of such kids.

You, obviously, could share. But is likely moot; anyone who works with children her age already knows your kid is different. IME, more information does not necessarily mean more understanding, acceptance or patience. If she finds your DD's behavior off-putting, that will likely not change. If I had to hazard a guess, it will become worse as she gets older and the contrast between her and much younger kids becomes even greater. At best, you might get a promise to be understanding that won't be kept when this person becomes exasperated.

In a similar situation, I pulled my son from the activity and made sure local families seeking a dojo for their child with ADHD or ASD knew they would not be welcomed there. YMMV, but I don't give money to people who dislike my kid.

[sahara78]

DD (5, ASD) does dance at a nearby studio. The ballet classes are serious for older kids, but lower key for younger kids. DD loves it, but she’s not real coordinated and her attention is noticeably worse than other kids. She’s also been upset the few times there was a substitute teacher. Luckily, the teacher seems to enjoy her.


I told the teacher about DD’s diagnosis a few weeks ago when the teacher said she should repeat her current class. That would put DD at 1-2 years older than the other kids. I actually said I assumed the teacher could tell, to which she winked and said “Oh no, never.” Then she mentioned one of her kids also has autism. But even without that, the teacher’s spent many hours with DD over the past two years and has seen her behavior/interactions with others.

[waverly]

Before DS was diagnosed I would tell them about his hearing loss. Often they couldn't tell.

Now I don't really tell coaches anything. They are mostly high school/ college students that change on a regular basis. Except basketball was volunteer dads mostly.

Now they can see he had hearing aids, and they could tell he wasn't the most coordinated. So I didn't think telling them he had hearing loss and was uncoordinated was helpful. I think it varies by the kid, what is going on with them and the coach/ sport/ situation. I just wanted to throw that out there, since I said at first tell but I really haven't been following that myself due to our situation.

If you don't want to say too much you could just say how much your kid likes the coach as kind of a thanks so much for helping DD. She really enjoys your class...

[jreeds]

We've done it both ways. DS tried Karate when he was 5. We let the Sensei know and had many talks throughout the 3 months DS trialed the class. Despite claiming to welcome kids with challenges like DS has they seemed short on patience with him and ultimately decided it was not a good fit. Then last year DS wanted to try soccer so we signed him up but purposefully did not have that discussion with the coaches. I was prepared to talk to them if DS seemed to struggle but he did pretty well and one of the coaches in particular really seemed to "get" him. It was a positive experience for DS.

I think, if your DD is picking up on the annoyance I would talk to the coach.