Job opportunity dilemma

[xctsclrx]

Background: DH is in the national guard. Meaning he drills 2 days a month and 2 weeks out of the year. National Guard provides our (good) health insurance and that is the major draw plus the retirement that he can pull at 60 assuming he servers for 20 years. We are at 15 right now so it looking good for 20. DH was active duty Marines for 5 years before joining the guard and the request of his ex wife ( who was cheating on him at the time and they got divorced about a year later) DH also has a civilian job that makes decent money- not quite what he would make on active duty.

Recently ( 3 days ago) DH got a job offer that is very comparable to the what he would make on active duty minus the free (crappy) health care and a basic housing allowance. He has accepted this offer and is supposed to start May 14th

Recently (1 week ago) his national guard unit opened an active duty slot that he is very qualified for. It is not a guarantee that he would get the slot but chances are very high. The position would require us to move to the middle of no where. We would either have to do long distance (4 hours) or I would move with him and have to quit my job and find another. I have no desire to be a stay at home mom.  We would have to move every 3ish years. We would stay in our state, but not in the area. Meaning i would either have to find a work from home job or job search every few years.

If he takes this job it would be for about 15 years. Then he could draw retirement at the time he resigns and still work.  I know that this is something he wants to do. I am afraid he will resent me later on if I shut it down. I am afraid that if I agree then I will resent him. he won't apply unless I am serious about him accepting the offer if he gets it. 

DH has already said he doesn't want to do this if it means upsetting me that much, but this is a good move for him. He made the comment that me saying no felt exactly like last time which isn't fair to me and he acknowledges that it isn't fair, but it is what it feels like.  

What do I do? I don't even know how to process this. 

[phdmomma]

xctsclrx, There's a fair amount to consider here, what type of job do you have? Some are better suited to being able to find something in the middle of nowhere, like a nurse. Who is the main bread winner? Even if you didn't want to stay home, would the pay bump be enough with the active duty job that you don't need to work as much? Do you like your job, and/or current career path? Do you own your home, if you are moving that much I would think you might want to rent....

In short, its a decision with a lot of angles. And I think that it needs careful weighing. Personally, I would likely tell him to apply....but I'm also feeling burned out right now at my job, and I am the main breadwinner.

[covergirl82]

This sounds like a tough decision. I'm always a fan of doing pros/cons lists in these types of situations.

I would personally struggle with moving so much, but maybe you guys are ok with that. And from your perspective, that mean having to find a new job every three years, unless you are able to get a WFH job, as you mentioned.

Hopefully your H can view the situation/decision as what is best for the whole family. Personal sacrifices might happen when other people are impacted by the decision.

[justcheckingin73]

Wow - this is a lot to process. As a former military brat, I know what is involved in moving every 2-3 years, although my Mom was a SAHM who only worked hourly jobs if needed/wanted so she didn’t have that stress. Trying to find a new job every 3 years would be stressful but doable, I suppose depending on what you do.

My parents are currently living off of my Dad’s military pension and health care so I see great value in having that.

I agree with phd - have him apply and see what happens. And then, don’t look too far in the future. Things change. I’m also not sure what you mean about having the job for 15 years. If he stays for 5 to get to retirement, would he still be able to retire?

[CrazyLucky]

In my situation, this would be a big no for me. I'm not in a career where I can easily pick up and start over every three years. I have no desire to live in the middle of nowhere. Moving sucks. I like the idea f my kids having more stability than a move every 3 years.
How many kids do you have and how old? I know that kids in the military can thrive, but for me, the prospect of making them start over every three years would be the biggest dealbreaker to all this. Especially if the kids are high school age. But even absent kids, having to restart my career every three years would be a dealbreaker.

[oldbaylover1024]

It sounds like he really wants to go for it. And I can appreciate his excitement to find something more suited to his career goals.

A lot depends on your family and how the rest of you would handle it. We have military family who move every 2-3 years and the kids handle it fine. But they're young - both under 6 - and have only known the 'moving'/military life, so they're pretty well adjusted. I imagine it will get harder as they get older. We moved every few years when I was growing up and it was more difficult as I got older. My parents kept me in the same HS, but I went to 4 elementary schools and 2 middle schools, which was rough.

If I recall, you're in IT right? Would it be easy for you to find a 100% WFH job? What about your current employer? Is there a permanent WFH option there?

Overall, I'd say if you're up for a challenge, go for it. Yes, it's a 15-year commitment, but it could open some really cool doors and provide you guys with a lot of neat opportunities. Plus, you'd stay in the same state, so distance will change, but you wont' be moving cross country every few years like a lot of military families.

[oldbaylover1024]

Also, what's the current arrangement with ex-wife? There's shared custody there with SS, right? How would this career move affect that arrangement?

(And my apologies if I'm missing details... I've been absent from the class for a while )

[xctsclrx]

phdmomma,I make about 40% of the total income right now. So technically he is the breadwinner, but my salary covers our mortgage, my car payment and any emergencies or extras. His increase in pay would not cover my salary, but it would cover our bills. I wouldn't HAVE to work for money, but I would for sanity.

I am a database/logistics analyst. I am good at my job, but I don't have 5 years of experience yet. Not an easy job to find unless you know someone and not in the middle of nowhere. My other option would be factory work with my degree, but that means shift work and I really don't want to do that with 2 kids and a spouse that would not be home all the time.

We would have to sell our house, before I could move down there. I would not be able to quit my job until the house sold. I would be doing that with a newborn, a toddler, and all by myself. It this was happening a year from now I might be more inclined.

covergirl82, I actually don't mind the moving around so much. I have done it my entire life. I actually think it will be my DH who gets burned out first. It would mean private schools for the kids though. No guarantee that we would be in a good public school system.

I don't want to crush his dream, but I think the only person who benefits from this is him. I might be only seeing the negatives though. My first instinct in all decisions like this is always no. I can change my mind, but it takes time and time is something we are short on. He has to put his application together before the end of next week.

I really want him to put the packet in, and see if it offered, but I know and he knows that if he received the offer and turned it down it would be heartbreaking for him. If he applied and didn't get it we would both be okay with it.

I need a crystal ball.

I also hate that he put this all on me. I have the deciding vote on this. He won't do it without my blessing.

[xctsclrx]

oldbaylover1024, It would not affect custody with the ex. If anything he would get to see the older boys even more

justcheckingin73, If he did five he would get the national guard retirement. If he did 15 he would get the full active duty retirement.

Kiddos are 3 and not here yet.

[2chatter]

The choices are: continue with guard reserves and take higher paying civilian job versus active duty military with comparable overall compensation?

Do the pensions differ?

If not, these are the things I’d consider —
1) are there reserve opportunities that could satisfy the same interests DH has as the active duty job?
2) what are the chances the active duty job would substantially change as a result of political changes? Going active for 15 years there’s a lot of room for shifts that could affect your family

It sounds to me like this comes down to DH wants an opportunity that is equal to other options that are more convenient for the overall family. I don’t think resentment has to be an outcome - he has to be willing to also evaluate the big picture and consider all the kids and your career and life.

Having said that, there are once in a lifetime
opportunities or things that maybe don’t seem to make sense that do —- that’s the hard thing to quantify.

[oldbaylover1024]

I will say the 15 years sets him (and you) up for retirement. Period. That military full-active duty retirement is worth it, IMO.

With the kids being 3 and 'not here yet' I'd say this is your best opportunity. The kids will be young and, IME, the adjustments will be easier when you move.

I'm assuming with your specific field that WFH isn't an option?

[xctsclrx]

2chatter, I am not 100% sure on the pension side. I would have to ask.

1. funny you should mention that because if he takes this job, he might be giving up on a even better opportunity ( which again is not a guarantee, but one I fully support) It will happen if the school seat opens up, also through the national guard.

2. Not high. We live in a very red state and the national guard is state run. Small risk, but not huge. It is Active duty with the national guard.

[waverly]

I am like you, my first inclination would be to say no.  Although I think DH's first inclination might be to say no too, because he doesn't want to pull me from my job.

He was never a shoe in for a job like your H was per se, but there have been plenty of unrealistic jobs that he applied for just because.  Like jobs out in California, and we weren't sure we wanted to move to that area of California for example.

Usually he doesn't ask me, he just applies because he is a bit manic about it.  I think honestly my DH just loves applying for positions.  I don't understand it because I am the opposite.  But when it comes down to it things usually work out.

As far as resentment goes, I am a pretty laid back happy person for the most part.  And when DH is resentful and unhappy the rest of us suffer a lot more.  He has gotten a lot better at that with therapy etc., but still if he is that unhappy we will all suffer.  So for the most part I have sacrificed/ moved for him because it was easier- moved to NYC, then back to MI, then to our location now.  It has worked out for us for the most part, and he is the primary breadwinner but my salary has definitely helped during hard times when he was laid off.  But I have told him I won't be moving a million times for him anymore, after moving 3 times and I think he has that message.  

I don't have any good advice.  I just hope this helps a little bit.  

[HeartofCheese]

How long have you guys had to think about it? I think it's unfair to both of your to make your final answers contingent on your kneejerk responses. His kneejerk response is clearly that it feels like the same sitch as with his ex just b/c you're inclined to say no. Your kneejerk response is too look at the shortterm before you've had a chance to consider the longterm cons and benefits. The whole resenting each other is a red herring. If you put the effort into the decision making process, you should be able to avoid resentment no matter what you decide.

ETA: If it were me though, the benefit of the job would have to be pretty significant in some way to make such a drastic change whether the benefit is shortterm or longterm. 

[ilovelucyvv]

I resonate with what you are saying about the job only benefitting him and that he might be giving up on an even better opportunity with the national guard. My vote is no. There is a time for something like this and it is not when there is a newborn in the picture.

[xctsclrx]

HeartofCheese, a week roughly really only 3 days for me. We have about a week to figure it out. The resentment isn't a sure thing. It is a fear of mine. He is not one to wallow or hold a grudge. I don't want to have regrets 20 years down the line. I think I would be most resentful if he became a weekend husband which is why the possibility of me staying where we are and having him commute on the weekends was thrown out the window pretty fast.

Honestly I think his knee jerk reactions is yes, because he was denied the chance to do it earlier in life not because it is even what is best for him.

In our last discussion he was telling me all the benefits and I was going through all the cons. I think in our next discussion it needs to be him countering my cons. I tell him my concerns and doubts and he tells me how we are going to mitigate those and then let him discuss his concerns by not taking it and how we can mitigate that.

That might at least put everything on the table for us. I also think I need to go into the next discussion with an open mind instead of focusing on the negative. adulating is hard.

[2chatter]

xctsclrx - the hardest part of my marriage is not stepping on the landmines DH’s ex wife left. And not blowing up when I do. You are doing well to recognize part of his interest is triggered by the situation in his previous marriage. Those emotions are impossible to quantify - would he be receptive to your asking in a comes from a good place way if he wants to do this partly because of the way things unfolded before and he was denied the chance? It totally depends on the topic whether DH here can handle that honest of a discussion. But when he can it’s worth it.

[covergirl82]

xctsclrx, I'm glad you threw out the option of him only being home on weekends. I had a "weekend dad" my senior year of high school, and it sucked. (I've always had a great relationship with my mom, even when I was a teenager (although I'm sure there were a few rocky days now and then), so my mom parenting alone during the week wasn't an issue.)

[ECB]

I would at least apply. It gives you more time to think about this, weigh the pros and cons, etc. I know that if he were to be offered it and had to say no, it would be heartbreaking, but I feel like putting the pressure on to basically have to decide TODAY is too much.

As much as putting the decision on you alone isn't fair, neither is expecting you to decide this immediately.

[xctsclrx]

2chatter, hmm I don't know. He has done a really good job in our relationship not letting the past define him. It hasn't even been an issue in our relationship that I can remember. I might bring it up to him and test the waters a little bit. He isn't one to fly off the handle or anything like that. Luckily, our relationship is so different than theirs that I do very little to trigger issues from the past. Our circumstances are very different and she and I have very different personalities. So when we do cross over a bit it is a surprise and lets DH know that he needs to back it up and look at himself.

He did make me swear that if he turns this down, that I am not going run off with someone else. It was a joke with just hint of seriousness though.

[2chatter]

xctsclrx - that’s adorable of him! Use it haha and tell him you’re more likely to ditch him when you have to move every few years! Kidding.

DH just sucks at not being wounded and it’s why he’s in therapy. His ex and I are polar opposites, so for us, it has very little to do with me, which is honestly what sets me off. It was gratifying to hear from my stepson that he thought DH and I didn’t argue at all and it was nothing like the relationship he grew up watching. But man it doesn’t help when DH can’t articulate why he feels something when it’s from a previous experience.

Is it possible the candidacy process would give DH time to cool on this as an opportunity, or is for sure a building enthusiasm instead?

[mellym]

How do the job responsibilities with the new job in the private sector compare to the role in active duty? Has he done pros/cons between the actual responsibilities, flexibility, hours, stress level, etc?

It would be really hard for me to say yes to moving around that much and giving up my career. I'm almost 3 years into my current position and still feel like I just got here so it would be stressful for me to find a new job and start over every few years. Not to mention the actual moving with young kids and instability. We have a 6 month old and we are still in survival mode. I understand it's his dream job but sometimes you need to change your dreams once you have a family and all of the compromise shouldn't be on you. My career is equally important along with DH being an equal partner at home so I don't think I could say yes.