I mean, my company caps my 401k match at $1500/year, so I wouldn't skip a job offer based on that.
So he'd basically be guaranteed the same amount of salary, and the potential for higher bonuses? Is base salary the same? My basic rule of thumb is that I typically want a 10% salary increase to consider a move. But YH is not happy where he is and it's kinda ruining your family, so it could still be worth it.
Post by mustardseed2007 on May 12, 2018 12:24:39 GMT -5
Missed it also, but take it is my answer. Honestly - from what I can tell via internet board, ha ha - you have really good judgment 2chatter. If you think he should take it, he probably should.
I don’t see this going well. He for instance thinks he can build a chore chart and it’s my Job “then when I get home it’s all done”. He also said he won’t commit to things like practice transportation because “what if I want to work late?”.
I am pretty sure he entirely lacks self awareness. He’s also delusional.
It’s always a transition. As far as working late I always planned to do the transportation myself, but if he was around he gets tagged in. Even with H traveling he has been taking DS to baseball once a week sort of unplanned, but if he is there he is it. And he knows it- doesn’t argue. Of course you have 3 going in different directions, and I only have 1 doing weeknight activities. Their other activities are on Saturdays.
DH occasionally tries that chore crap when he travels. Like he expects perfection when he gets home from traveling. It’s just not going to happen. Maybe ignore that one for now.
rere - DH has a local job offer very close to home. He seems to think if he gives up consulting he can work locally but not step anything up at home. I tried to explain that there are many days I would like to work late, but that I have to take the kids to practices, appointments, etc. I work after the kids are in bed. He responded that he prefers to just get it done and then have time to relax. I seriously can’t explain to him that I don’t always GET downtime. And that him being here SHOULD help me get MORE and he will have LESS.
He is completely confused by how all this would work. He legit thought he would just not have to travel but would continue to do whatever he wants here with no actual obligations to the kids’ schedules. I tried to illustrate this with concrete examples: “IF DS has practice 6-7 and DD has a 7:45 game in another city, you could either take DD or pick up DS at 7.” His responses were “what if I want to work later” and “what are you going to be doing then”. It’s like he refuses to process that I may only have to be in one place at one time if he works locally. Like, why solve for this it’s not broken? I want to strangle him!!!!!!!
Tonight he said he’s coming home to run. He’s local this week. He then said he wants steak fajitas. I asked him if he’d rather get the kids from gymnastics or buy food and prep dinner and he was like “.......”. Then he said he wasn’t sure what time he would be here so could I go to the store, take and pick up the kids and make dinner. I explained that he can CHOOSE a time and commit to a schedule.....or I will be preparing leftovers after gymnastics as planned. My money is on he goes to get tortillas, peppers and rice after I have eaten, then he has fajitas. It’s put me in a passive aggressive place, which I also explained to him and he just plain doesn’t understand why I’m even hostile. I left it at if he has fajitas and we don’t to expect to understand what hostile actually is, this was me warning him I could see this situation making me hostile.
So yeah, no traction here. I’m ... amazed at this scenario, honestly.
Post by covergirl82 on May 14, 2018 9:42:36 GMT -5
2chatter, I seriously feel like YH has you confused with someone else, like a nanny/housekeeper who also contributes a lot of money to the family finances. I would feel hostile too.
covergirl82 - that is exactly what I say to him. I am not his admin, chef, nanny, etc. and I have a career - he at best treats me like a SAHM with free time and at worst like hired help. This morning he was all frustrated because DD has a 7:10 doctors appointment tomorrow, which means he’s on his own for water bottles, snacks and the walk to school. When I called BS on that he said he was worried about me having to be up early. I guess he doesn’t notice that I am “up early” because of kid stuff/work? I feel like he was abducted by aliens and replaced with the most extreme, worst version of himself.
Sometimes having DH home is harder and worse then him traveling. That being said and even with his crazy, I still think it would mostly work for him to take the local job. I guess I am the type that if someone complains enough about their job I push them to take a different one, even if it might not be the best situation because my thought is they were complaining for X amount of years then they need to have a change. Probably not the best decision making policy.
I still think that it will work out eventually. He is just the super hard headed type or has the learn the hard way type. A bit of it is maybe the kids managing him like Dad you taking me to soccer? I mean how could he say no to that? Well, I guess he could. But yeah DH never came at me with all that stuff, but I never had that conversation with him that he was doing baseball. We just arrived home and DS told him Dad you are taking me to baseball and he was like, I am? And I was like yeah, and that was it. So hopefully once he acclimates back to living with the family, he will get the picture eventually.
You have a got going on though. I have one thing a night maybe not every night, and I feel like you have like 3 things a night. I don't know how you do it. If he doesn't acclimate, I see a come to Jesus talk in your future.
waverly I am so hoping you are spot on. It may just take time. DH has no issue telling the kids no and referring them to me, but maybe it will wear on him. But I am happy to make myself absent and leave him no choice. Eventually he will stop rolling in and thinking he can just go for a run and has nowhere else to be!
2chatter, could it be more like an assignment than a request? DH works 12 hour shifts, so not a lot of help when he is working, plus, he never knows what's going on or coming up on a daily basis. When he is off, I just basically give him a task, ie. DD has volleyball, so you need to pick up DS and start super, etc... it's part of the partnership. I am the keeper of the schedule, he pulls his weight all the times he is available.
rere, he’s saying he prefers to not be assigned anything - he will help when he wants to. So...example....if I have a friend pick up DD for GS, he will be all mad because he is home and that’s awkward. But he won’t commit to taking her to GS, so I have to make arrangements. In that example I don’t want to get into the habit of last minute cancellations. It would be easier for me if he would commit to taking DD to some things as her friends are not all super local for ride sharing. He also has to be open to getting to a stopping point at work at say 6 so he can do some kid running then finish work when that’s done, but he wants to relax later instead. Me too, ha.
Could it be he is worried about needing to put in extra hours in a new job and feeling like he would make a bad impression if he says no to his boss because he has to take the kids to practice? I'm not defending him. I think he's on the moon, but I'm trying to play devil's advocate. Taking a new job is hard in that way, because you're new and feel like you need to put in extra time until you get the lay of the land and culture. Did you ask how often he expects he'll need to work late and miss out on the household stuff? Maybe he can sort of schedule it, so he works late 2 days a week or whatever?