Quick Help! Will Poof!

[2chatter]

akafred I asked him about that and it really is he can’t imagine committing to helping. And to frame this - one of the things we were talking about was pick up after practice at 9PM. He was on the fence.

He’s in town and hasn’t changed jobs yet and he would not commit to a 6:30PM awards ceremony next week either and he has total control of his schedule - he’s on the beach!!

Headdesk yall.

[polecat8]

2chatter, I am so angry at him for you. You have the patience of a saint. I would have throat punched him by now.

[waverly]

My only advice is illegal and would end you up in jail, so probably not a great option.

[akafred]

Sounds like a problem for his counselor to discuss with him. Or a marriage counselor...

[mustardseed2007]

Does he hear it at all? I mean, I'm an ass sometimes and I don't realize it right off the bat. DH too.

Occasionally though, there are things I think to myself and don't say out loud because I know it's terrible. Like "thank God DH is handling all the baseball practices. It's going to be so nice to sit at home with DD and watch Trading Spaces." Or whatever.

Maybe he's just overwhelmed and scared by the whole thing and so he's actually loosing his fucking mind?

[akafred]

Serious question ahead: When he is with the kids, what kind of a dad is he? Is he checked in? Patient? More so with DS than DDs? Just trying to get a feel for things like...maybe he is overwhelmed by chaos and the noise and calamity of 3 kids is overwhelming, or maybe he's just totally checked out entirely, or maybe he favors "his" kid vs stepkids. Idk, just wondering.

[xctsclrx]

2chatter, Is he still taking his meds and going to therapy? Does he just feel like his money is enough to bring to the table? I might be scheduling an "travel" week once he gets settled at his new job.

In all seriousness though; it does sound like he has no idea how to be a functional partner. I think he would be very happy with the 50s style marriage. He goes to work and comes home to dinner every night. Has a stay at home wife who takes care of the rest of his needs and dotes on him.

[2chatter]

It’s so weird and hard to explain. Sometimes he isn’t even really tuned in when he’s around. Other times he nails it. I’ve pretty much concluded he loves babies and toddlers and kind of preschoolers but beyond that he doesn’t really like kids.

Here’s an example. School carnival. He didn’t eat with us (too loud). Then he said he was going to get DD to rent Maze Runner so I should bring the kids home and shower them so the three of us could watch it. He got DD ice cream. He did it to escape the carnival, though.

He cancelled his last therapy appointments to deal with SS, and I think that’s part of it. He needs to get back in there!

Wednesday evening he cleaned the kitchen then demanded we eat out so it stayed clean. It’s like everything is on his terms, not 50s, if that makes sense? Like what can he handle/what does he prefer in any given moment.

Obv it hasn’t always been like this. Maybe he will settle down when he’s settled.

[ECB]

I’m speechless at this idea that he won’t “commit” to things you NEED him to do for HIS OWN CHILDREN. Truly, jaw on floor.

I would be DEMANDING that he commit. He’s a parent. He can’t live his life on his terms and his terms only. He has other people who need him and rely on him.

I don’t know what the come to Jesus thing is for him, but I’d be having a CTJ talk with him. This is just beyond the pale.

Your children need to feel that they matter and are important to him. That’s the end result here. If he really can’t be bothered, THEY will be the ones to feel the impact and to feel that their dad doesn’t care enough to be there for them when they need him.

[akafred]

What I'm wondering, and let me know if this seems to fit, is if he kind of can't handle chaos and/or noise? Sounds like he is (sometimes) willing to do work, but he would prefer quieter activities at home vs loud things like carnivals? Does the pressure of having to get kids places on time and deal with traffic stress him out? I mean, it stresses everyone out, but does it seem like this is a bigger trigger for him than for other people? I get it. I am similar. Of course I suck it up because it's not about me. It's about the kid/s. I'm thinking when his brain is flooded it would be easier for him to work late, or tuck himself into a nice calm hotel room, rather than have to rush home in order to rush other (usually loud and chaotic) places like gymnastics practice. When DD was in gymnastics it was a madhouse at the times classes changed over and it was so hard to handle.

I'm not in any way saying this absolves him, but understanding it can help you and him know how to approach it better. Of course I could be way off base. It's just a hunch based on your posts.

[sweetptater]

May 14, 2018 11:11:53 GMT -5 polecat8 said:

2chatter , I am so angry at him for you. You have the patience of a saint. I would have throat punched him by now.

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I'm here. My DH just about got throat punched this morning when he told me that him being out of town for work this entire week was apparently his punishment for not traveling at all last week. 

Um, hold up. You being out of town all week is YOUR punishment. Really.  

[186momx]

I missed the first part but read through everything so the gist is he could take a job that is local and has tons of perks and he doesn't know if he wants to because he likes his bachelor lifestyle and doesn't want to be home and be an adult.
If he takes it. I would tell him he has to take 1 thing off your plate and that would be DS. Picking DS up from camp over the summer and taking him to any extra's he may have. That should give him a pretty set schedule? Would he go for that?

[2chatter]

He’s seriously deluded. I just had to convince him to let DS come home from a play date this afternoon and be watched by DD instead of going to training and watching. When he realized it’s zero effort for him and I was telling him 2/3 kids would be here he grudgingly agreed, noting that he has work to do. Where are the kids supposed to be?? He also was curious about how I’m making dinner if I’m staying at practice. I was silent until that one clicked for him. He has to feed himself (DD is making wraps for she and DS with leftovers).

I don’t even know how to talk to him about how nuts this is.

[waverly]

I don't think there is much you can do when he is being irrational.

With a rational person I might sit down with the printed calendar and just review with him everything that you do and all the kids activities. Or make a list of everything that has to be done and assign it out. Of course he doesn't want anything assigned to him, but that's just impossible. I guess you can say pick one thing you will do each evening, so its voluntary.

I mean there are times where I have to ask DH can you pick up the kids and then he comes home and acts like he ran a marathon and has to do nothing else all evening, but I quickly make it clear that I am doing homework and exercises for DS's OT, and he has to make dinner or face the wrath.

[ECB]

I’d start asking him questions. What is being a parent mean to him? How does he feel his actions impact the kids? Does he want them to look up to him? To see him as an involved dad? Or does he want them to grow up remembering him as being distant and uninvolved?

And even questions around “so- if you don’t pick DS up and I can’t, what do you think will happen to DS?”

Seriously. I’d ask him questions to get HIM thinking about what being a parent is about and the impact he has (or doesn’t have).

A very simple anecdote, but still somewhat on point- my friends DD - when she was an infant, she pooped in her diaper, as normal. Friend asked her DH to change the diaper. He made a face and said “Id rather not”. She stopped, looked at him and said “you’d “rather not”?? Well I’d “rather not” too. Who WANTS to change a shit filled diaper? But if no one changes it, then DD will be sitting in a shit filled diaper. Is that what you want?”

He “got it” and got up and changed that diaper, and many many many more.

But really- it was hearing the impact of the LACK of doing this duty that made him realize he needed to get his ass in gear. There is a LOT about parenting that I think many of us would rather not do. But by having kids, we signed up for doing all these things. We have to take the good with the bad. The boring with the exciting.

I don’t know where you’re really at with this and where your patience or tolerance is, but at some point, I feel like the question becomes “is your life easier when he’s around or when he’s gone”.

[akafred]

What I'm hearing is that he doesn't want his life to change really. He wants all the good stuff that comes with being home vs on the road, but he actually wants none of the burden of being at home with kids or needing to be responsible for them. Which...yeah, no.

[2chatter]

That’s it exactly akafred. I think it may just take time?

[ECB]

May 14, 2018 21:26:14 GMT -5 2chatter said:

That’s it exactly akafred. I think it may just take time?

how much time are you willing to give him? You all have kids. This isn’t new information. Has he really been that uninvolved so far that the idea of doing anything is that big of a shock that he needs “time” to come around to acting like the PARENT he already is??

I’m not saying this to be mean, but i feel like thinking “0h, he just needs time” is YOU looking to give yourself permission to avoid the hard talk.

[akafred]

Actually, it probably will take time IMO. Suppose he had no kids. Maybe even no wife. It would still be an adjustment to go from being on the road almost constantly to working from a home base constantly. Add in 4 other people and the chaos they can bring and it's definitely going to be an adjustment, and it is wise to be sensitive to that. If you guys were in a great place in your marriage, you would work together to ramp up his home duties somewhat slowly, perhaps using the summer as a bit of a buffer zone, perhaps using I think it was mustardseed2007's suggestion of giving him responsibility for DS specifically for a while. Presumably there may be fewer sports over the summer? You (and he) can make some freezer meals to help with the dinner thing.

But you're not in such a great place in your marriage and you need to have that hard talk. You need to make it clear that the status quo isn't working out, and you have struggled through it because of the non-compete, but if there is a way out of that, you must pursue it. And let him know you are sensitive to what a big transition this is for him, and you'll help ease him into things, but that he will need to be a reliable member of the family who can be counted on to do some basic things like come home at a standard time and drive kids places. You can understand if a huge project looms and that he may need to put in more face time at first, and you guys will work it out in the give and take that all families deal with when both parents work, but you will not be able to be 100% responsible for the home and the kids and that he just has to know that up front.

[mustardseed2007]

As much as he’s being awful, maybe it will just take time. I kind of agree that since he’s not being rational you may not be able to get him there with a conversation.

Right now it’s out there. It’s just a big idea of - my life will be totally different if I change jobs. Does he like being with the kids? At all? One on one maybe?

[mommyatty]

I think he’s thinking “Oh, well, you’ve been solely responsible for all of this for years. Why can’t you still be?”

My dad worked in another city for over 4 years. So he left every Sunday and came home every Friday. And yes, when he got a local job, the transition back was HARD. But it was more because he felt like he was going to take over and change every process my mom and I had worked out over 4 years. Because of course his way was better. But a serious discussion disabused him of that notion. Looking back, his ways probably were better, but his way of trying to “lay down the law” with a 15 year old girl who had basically been raising herself for 4 years was just not going to go anywhere.

My biggest problem with how he’s acting is really that he thinks you’re his employee. And more specifically that you are his subordinate. That’s just crap because, again, you’ve been the household CEO for how long? You deserve an equal partner.

[ECB]

May 15, 2018 6:15:14 GMT -5 akafred said:

Actually, it probably will take time IMO. Suppose he had no kids. Maybe even no wife. It would still be an adjustment to go from being on the road almost constantly to working from a home base constantly. Add in 4 other people and the chaos they can bring and it's definitely going to be an adjustment, and it is wise to be sensitive to that. 

I definitely don't disagree with this at all.  I don't want to be overly glib about the time thing.  Yes- there will be an adjustment. 

My concern - there are clearly a lot of other issues at play too, though.  He seems checked out, TBH.  The idea that when he IS home and he still won't "commit" to doing BASIC things for his kids... he's not "in" this.  

Yes, there is room for allowing for an adjustment period, but don't let that become the 'out', the crutch, the excuse for not delving into what else is going on.  

Time is one battle, being checked out is another. 

[2chatter]

This is really just the epitome of him being selfish. I finally Not nicely called him on it this morning when he would not tell me when he and DS are shopping and packing for their weekend camping trip. I don’t care at all when they do it, but DDs will get hair cuts at the same time as DS will be with DH so it’s easier. So I needed him to tell me when....and he didn’t want to.

I said something like “You are going to have to realize that this isn’t the DH show. There are four people who live in our house and we have lives and routines and preferences and stuff going on and you don’t get to float along and do whatever you want and expect it to be OK. It honestly throws everyone but you off that you don’t have a schedule - you think it’s helpful to come home early and “surprise us” and clean the kitchen top to bottom but what you don’t know is the kids realllly wanted fish for dinner and didn’t want to go out. Good intentions, crappy outcome. I’m not your employee and they aren’t toys or accessories. I know you are in a room of other people and you can’t respond. And I know this is bad timing. And I don’t care. Come home prepared with your plan because this is not a surprise or unreasonable - you knew this was coming.”

He later asked me to lunch and when I declined countered with a dessert date (something I love to do after the younger two are asleep and we never have time to do because he isn’t here). We will see. He only said “you are right and I get it and will execute” when we spoke.

Other than this BS things have actually been way better over all for the last few months. So that’s also why this really sucks. Oddly SS being a train wreck has been helpful to us, if not so great for him.

[ECB]

Well, good. I hope! Sometimes being called to the mat is exactly what is needed. Good luck.

[sdlaura]

On a related note, I love email for stuff like this. I recently called DH on something by email and he also responded that I was right and he got it. I think having time to think about a response rather than exhibiting reflexive defensiveness is a good thing.

[campermom]

I missed the original but have been following and thinking about you today. I'm really glad to seem that he was receptive to your communication about this! I wasn't expecting that response based on all the rest but I'm really hopeful for change with your update. Please keep us posted!

Something that has helped us, with somewhat similar dynamics over the years, was to have a schedule that had some non-negotiables. Now my H knows that if he wants to do overtime, than it's going to have to come out of his gym time.

Shocker.....he doesn't need to do OT near as much these days.

[2chatter]

I love the idea of it affecting things that are DH’s alone campermom. For him that can be running and I think it will help!

Last night he ended up saying he didn’t know when he would be home - like 5 or 10 so I invited the neighbors over (usually once or twice a week but DH is never here so even though I tell him seeing it always surprises him) for grilled pineapple and ice cream. It was so good! DH rolled in at 7:30 and was surprised but went with it. We discussed and I reiterated that our lives will go on - especially when IDK when he might or might not appear here. I think it helped to have an example of “this is how oblivious you are” and the devils advocate of I could have texted him to let him know, but then he would have either tried to control it or objected or felt obligated which drives home the point that he needs to settle in to living here and figure out how it all works.

He just called me to say he gets it and is thinking about how to change the way he thinks. I suggested he schedule with his therapist.

[ECB]

So he said he gets it, then wouldn’t tell you what time he’d be home, is shocked you have friends over, and now - again - claims he gets it.

Uh huh.

Yes, he needs more help with this than just saying “i get it”.

Again, good luck.

[2chatter]

Yes! Exactly! His contention is he’s still consulting. So I doubled down and he’s taking DS to camp two weeks in July pending the new job. It’s toward his new office. It’s early enough. He ran out of excuses and was super uncomfortable with it. I call that victory.

[mommyatty]

So did he take the offer? I missed that installment.