being overwhelmed leads to (sort-of) public melt-down

[dglvrk2]

I lost it yesterday.  Yep.

DD1 (6 yrs old) had gymnastics after work/school.  I picked her up.  She whined about her toe hurting from the time she saw me at gymnastics until we got home (only 10 minutes, but still...and she was fined until she saw me).  I told her to stop several times calmly.  When that didn't work, I tried ignoring her.  By the time we got home, her little sister (4 yrs) joined in the chorus.  As I'm trying to unload them from the car, our puppy runs into the street and nearly gets hit by a car......

That's when I threw my keys and purse into the neighbor's yard and screamed I couldn't do it any more.  I did this a few times, which attracted neighbors' attention. Lot's of people were out.  One neighbor ushered my daughters and puppy into his house while two others helped me pick up my keys and purse and hugged me.  

I feel terrible. Has anyone else ever had a moment like this?  Honestly, knowing I'm not alone would help.  

I know I need to get better at responding to the crying too. I've been up since 4 am PST considering strategies.  What su*%s is yesterday I went from being cool to not in one second.  Ok. I thought I was alright, but this had likely been building for a day, or even longer. 

To back up - DD1 overreacts to a lot of minor pains.  I've been dealing with whining for bumps and bruises ineffectively for years. DD2 has also had her difficult moments, but is a typical four year old. I've had a very taxing three months at work.  I accepted a new job last week, but have about a month's worth of work left at the old job, so I'm not leaving soon. Yesterday was an especially hard day. H is out of town on business at least two weeks of the month each month, this being one of them.   I hosted my parents and very high maintenance cousin and her family for Mother's Day - all weekend.  I'm quite introverted, so, as much as I love my family (high maintenance and all) I'm maxed right now. 

After my melt-down, I apologized to the neighbors and my daughters.  When we were in our house, I sent DD1 to her room, where she cried for a good 5 minutes, then came out a different, happy child.  DD2 helped me cook dinner.  Both ate like champs and we otherwise had a great night.  I reassured them I was tired of the crying, but that my reaction was not their fault. 

Magic 1-2-3 seems to be helping with their behaviors.  At the end of the day, they're good kids.  It's my responses that bother me.  I've never had a melt-down like last night's, but I've come close on two other occasions this year.

Ideas?  

[HeartofCheese]

Definitely get some help. No, not that kind of help. Outsource laundry, have ready-made meals delivered, find a carpool or pay someone to shuttle your kids around - whatever would give you the most relief during the day. Personally, I don't find a massage or pedicure or 2 hours to myself to be very relaxing, because I know all the stuff I have to do is still going to be there when I get back. But a day to just do what I need to do by myself, works wonders, as well as a permanent change to my schedule that takes something off my plate.

What can YH do for you even when he's out of town? Does he cook? Can he grocery shop and make meals for the 2 weeks he's gone? Can he keep on top of the bills remotely? Can he do all the scheduling of the appointments and put them on the days that he'll be home?

I so feel for you. I've been lucky that no one's seen my meltdowns, but I've had them. You are important. Take your needs seriously. Rolemodel boundaries and selfcare for your girls. And I'm so sorry you went through that.

[kimberlybb]

You are not alone! I completely lost it at our neighborhood pool last summer. DD had been really difficult for a few months, I wasn’t sleeping well, and was dealing with work stress. She ran away from me when I told her it was time to leave, got back in the pool, and refused to come out. There was a lot of yelling and screaming. I was so embarrassed after we didn’t go back to the pool for a long time. This was probably the worst episode but there have been many other times when I have lost it at home. I went from 0 to 60 very quickly. It is almost like an out of body experience. I still struggle with this but here are a few things that have helped me:

-Making time for myself a priority. I’m also an introvert and have found that if I don’t get time to myself I get overwhelmed a lot more easily. I get up before the kids and use that time to work out, read, or surf the internet
-Taking a “time-out” for a few minutes when I feel myself starting to lose control
-Going to bed earlier. The lack of sleep was messing with my ability to deal with stress in a constructive way
-Going to therapy. I only go 1x a month now but it has really made me more aware of my behavior leading up to an outburst so I have been able to interrupt the cycle more frequently
-Getting DH on board. I told him I was struggling so he was been a lot more supportive in dealing with the kids or in telling me to take a break

Things aren’t perfect. Last Tuesday was a particularly rough day but it is so much better than where I was at last summer. The struggle is real. Hang in there!

[xctsclrx]

I have gotten there before. Believe or not it me spilling my drink everywhere and I freaking lost it. I wasn't proud of myself, but I was running on empty and no one was helping me. I had a new baby at the house. My older boys were with us, but were being typical preteens self centered self absorbed make a mess of everything and not even notice and my DH was working crazy hours and wasn't helping with ANYTHING. I threw my cup in the sink and yelled. My husband asked what was wrong with me, and I just started crying. I needed the release and needed someone to hear me. I hate that I snapped like that. I am still embarrassed by it. It did kick him in gear about helping me more and enforcing to our older boys that they had to be helpful around the house. One person can't take care of 5 without help.

You are not alone it happens to all of us.

Definitely outsource what you can. Don't host people while DH is OOT. Plan in time for yourself even if that means watching a movie on your own when kiddos are in bed. (enforce bedtime if you are not) I am introverted as well and live for the 2 hours after DS goes to bed. DH and I both separate and I watch trashy shows or read a book while he plays video games. We both need the time to decompress.

[rere]

My DD is also over the top in the whining and crying. I know you can't do this in the car, but at home I pretty much tell her I am not listening while she is crying or whining, and then I don't. She can go to her room and come back when she can talk normally. I answer no requests from whining.

[HeartofCheese]

I also worked out a list of the thoughts I have that seemed to set me off, b/c they were generally the same ones over and over. Then I thought about what the insecurity was behind each one. I also made a list of what my anger looks like to my kids and what their experience of it is to really motivate me to take a hard look b/c I know these kids are going to do exactly what I do when they get angry - and for empathy reasons.

Then I made a list of things I could do to address the insecurities.

E.g., when my kids are acting up and I can't get them under control. I end up thinking "I don't know how to raise them" and it makes me feel like I have to go into disciplinarian-overdrive. The insecurity behind it was that I felt overwhelmed and alone in parenting. The strategy was to take a break from teaching and just be consistent with consequences.

This helped me an insane amount. I realize it's a lot of psychological goop, but in the off-chance it will help...?

[mae0111]

I would like to write more and will try later, but just wanted to say that I hear you and hugs. Quick story - after a long weekend of 5yo DD2 whining, falling on top of her sister, pushing her, jumping on her, causing DD1 to whine; and top it off with the fact that we were away from home in a ritzy resort town at a super fancy wedding... I lost it. I grabbed DD2 away from her sister and pulled her off to the side to have a word (teeth clenched), DD2 is sobbing that I hurt her (I totally didn’t - she was mad that I separated her and was scolding her).

In the midst of all this... the priest from the wedding walks by. DH spoke with him at length, he is related to my brand-new brother-in-law. He saw it all. Yup. Judged by a priest. Perfect.

We all hit our limits. You’re a good mom.

[mommyatty]

We have ALL been there. I think as an introvert you might need to carve out some alone time, and then recognize and value it as such. For example, a few days a week, when I’m in town, I eat lunch by myself and read a book. But I also consciously acknowledge that this is a great break for me to recharge myself. When I’m out of town, I try to eat dinner alone. If I can’t, then I try to take a walk or run on the treadmill. Most people will leave you the heck alone if you tell them you’re going to exercise.

My story was when I literally yelled at my family to Quit Touching Me for Five Minutes!!! Which really hurt my kids’ feelings. But I had just come home the day before from a work trip where I had exactly zero alone time for days (12-16 hr days), I had been cuddling them constantly, all three including my husband had literally been following me to the bathroom, and I just snapped. In that moment, I really felt like anyone else touching me and pulling more energy from me was going to cause me to die or go into a coma or something. Like it felt like I was under attack. Likewise, I’ve had to tell DH to stop talking to me. I just cannot absorb any more from him and I just need like 15 minutes where no one expects anything of me, even passive listening.

I’m sorry this happened to you. It sucks.

[akafred]

Yup. 2-3 days before my hysterectomy and I was secretly absolutely convinced I was going to die, which as you can imagine is some serious stress), and DD was 3 in gymnastics. I went to pick her up and she wasn't there. I asked the teacher, I asked the office, I asked the lady who sat by the door as classes let out. Turns out she was still in the gym hiding. I was an absolute mess. I grabbed her and held her hand walking out of there and she kept trying to run away from me, so I sat her down (too firmly) and had her do a time out right there on the sidewalk as other families went in and out around me. Very embarrassing, and one person said some nasty stuff to me and I actually thought she was going to call CPS or something. I sat her down too firmly but it was not THAT firmly. Anyway, that was completely embarrassing and yes I felt terrible that I lost it on a three year old, but it brought up all my fears about me dying and never seeing her again that I had been trying to suppress and here I was going to never see her again for a totally different reason. And THEN she was trying to run away and I might lose her AGAIN. Totally scary shit.

Forgive yourself. Don't let it become a habit, but treat it as a learning experience for you and your kids. Also, honestly, get better at ignoring the whining. Easier said than done, but I am finally getting there.

[waverly]

I lose it a lot. Usually in the house though. I used to lose it like 3 times a week trying to get the kids dressed and ready, and the diaper bag packed while DH lounged on the couch and did random totally unhelpful guy puttering around type things. It didn't really get that much better until they were old enough to stop fighting me on dressing and could dress themselves.  ETA- And totally aimed at DH for being unhelpful.  

Here are some ideas:
1. I would have a strong lecture with your 6 year old about whining especially in the car when you are driving. Talk about distracting the driver and car accidents. 2. I might also take her to the doctor who can say yes there is something wrong (super unlikely) or no there is not and ask him to talk to her about medical issues versus non-issues. That is if you have a low co-pay and the time to do so. I could see our doctor doing this, but not all would.

3. Another strategy for whining in the car, I have found the kids love audiobooks. For a 6 year old, I recommend starting with a Magic Tree House book.

4. Take a day off work and have some me time. Yes I know you have a month of work left. What are they going to do fire you? You are leaving anyway- you don't HAVE to do EVERYTHING at old job. Someone can figure out part of it after you leave.

5. A puppy is too much right now. If you are stuck you are stuck, but I think that was probably not the right time for a puppy, and I would look into my options- puppy trainer and walker coming to the house/ puppy sitter. As for our cat who is an adult, I have had to let him go. I know it's not the best cat mom to let him outside, but he was an outside cat before. He knows our house and our yard and mostly knows to be safe, so I don't chase him anymore. I know you aren't there yet with the puppy since he is a baby, but maybe when he is older you will have a invisible fence or something to tie him to outside or a fenced yard.

6. Outsource everything- grocery delivery, Amazon, laundry, cleaning, yard work. Since your H travels 2 weeks a month you are in survival mode. That is OK to recognize it and make allowances for that. If he has a problem with it then he can not travel. If he is going to travel then you are going to need XYZ.

7. My family completely drove me crazy this weekend. I understand, and am an introvert too. Hugs.

[2chatter]

Your kids are old enough for my favorite tactic - and it’s totally for me and not for them. Mommy goes to time out. I usually go to my office because I can lock two doors. In our old house I sat behind the car in the garage where they could not see me.

If I don’t get a physical break when they are making me crazy unfortunate things like me yelling in the front yard “are you motherfucking kidding me right now? You painted the sidewalk because you couldn’t expletives find the expletives chalk?!!! Do you know what paint is? If you ever put anything away ever maybe you would have found the giant box of chalk but nooooo.....What were you thinking?”.....and you get the idea. Not my finest moments but v rare and I have learned that an ounce of prevention “I don’t care what you do for the next 15 minutes if it’s something you are allowed to do. Touch nothing that isn’t yours. I’m serious.”

[mommyatty]

2chatter- you are my parenting idol. Lol. And your meltdowns sound like mine.

[rere]

2chatter, DD and DS used to tell me I had to go to time out when I said shut up. I am pretty sure I gladly went a few times and enjoyed about 15 minutes of peace.

[judyblume14]

dglvrk2, I can relate SO much to the patient to boiling switch flip. I had an early morning flight to day and plowed through half of 1-2-3. I have no advice to give, just solidarity. I can plod along breathing, ignoring, and being calm, until I just can't anymore. "Impatient" and "unsympathetic" were never the traits I intended to display as a mom.

[2chatter]

I am glad for this thread because man I feel bad sometimes about taking my little time outs.

[HeartofCheese]

I currently require my children to sing their whines. "I just want some juuuuuuiiiccccEEEEE!" It feels so much better on my ears and it ends up making them laugh.

ETA: This. It seems on point.

[rere]

HeartofCheese, I still tell them no, stop, ok, mom are one syllable words, not seven.

[librarychica]

It happens to everyone. I find, like somebabiesmom, that knowing what sets me off helps a lot.

Their behaviors and, if I’m honest, my responses go in cycles too. One summer I wondered if my next door neighbor was going to forever know me as “that lady who yells at her kids.”

[186momx]

I give myself time outs too. I would rather go into a time out than meltdown.

My last meltdown was during tax season. We had company coming over and DD and DH were being "helpful" but cleaning the spare room. They piled everything onto my side of the bed. I got home after working 10 hours on Saturday to a ton of junk on my bed. I melted on the spot as I was tired, achy, and really didn't need to walk into that. The worse part is DD and DH were so proud that they cleaned the spare room for L&J to come.

[twinmomma]

We've definitely all been there. I try to find my triggers too, like HeartofCheese. For example, I KNOW that I get "bath time rage." It will happen. I will end up yelling at my kids, without fail, if I'm not in the right mind set to deal with bath time. It's a way over the top freak out for minor splashing, but it's because it's the end of the day, I'm tired, they're punchy, and I just want to be DONE. So now if I"m home solo, I do showers and they have to finish within my set time frame or they lose screen time. It's a little harsh, but it prevents the freak outs because everyone knows the stakes up front.

Also, outsourcing laundry is amazing. It's like a weight has been lifted from my life to get that chore out of my domain. I pay $60 every other week and it comes home washed, dryed, and folded.

[akafred]

If only you could take a mommy time out in the car. My life would have been way better over the years!!!

[librarychica]

My main culprits are “we are going to be late” rage and “why is everyone making those loud noises” rage.

Are the kids fighting, whining and making random loud or grating sounds while not putting on their shoes 5 minutes after we should have left the house? It’s the trifecta!

[librarychica]

May 15, 2018 11:11:53 GMT -5 akafred said:

If only you could take a mommy time out in the car. My life would have been way better over the years!!!

We need a self-driving car with one of those glass walls they have in limos.

[rere]

My mom's freak outs usually resulted in calling names like fat and lazy and hauling off and hitting someone. Completely out of control. I always take myself out of a situation because I hope that is not in me. I may get frustrated, but keeping control of myself is important. Time outs are useful.

One time out resulted in both crying in their rooms, one in the crib, and me on the back porch eating a pudding cup. That was all I could come up with, but I just needed a minute

[callmekd]

I've also completely lost it with my 5 year old. and it's pretty hard for me to put myself in a time-out with two 1 year olds to care for. I do 99% of the weekly child care given my H's commute. last night I put the 5 year old in her room and closed the door because she wasn't listening. she cried and screamed and I ignored her until she stopped. otherwise I would have been yelling.
there are a lot of days where I'm tapped out and I'm touched out. it's hard and I'm sorry that you had such a crappy day.

[covergirl82]

I've lost it too. A memorable one was one time about a year ago DH was traveling for work and the end of the school makes me crazy anyway. I was cleaning up dinner, and one of the kids spilled grape juice on the carpet in the living room, and I was so upset that I threw a plate (heavy stoneware) into the sink (stainless steel, so things dropped in there usually bounce) so hard that it broke. After I cleaned up the juice I had to take a mommy time out.

[mustardseed2007]

Dang it, the internet ate my response. 

But yes. Loosing it happens to everyone. 3 is so hard b/c telling them not to wine is like telling the rain not to fall. Basically you just try to teach them over and over again, and then they get to about 4.5 years old and they finally start to listen. 

The only thing that really worked with the whining in the car is me turning the music up. I now can tell my 6 year old that he's going to loose tv or ipad when we get home if he doesn't cut it out, and that works. 

Honestly the reason your neighbors came to your aid is that they saw themselves in you. Because every parent has been there and of course, we all will be again in the future. 

[sdlaura]

Looks like you’ve already gotten great advice - I just wanted to say we’ve all been there and please don’t feel bad. I’m sure the neighbors have been there, too, and were happy to help.

Do you do pick-ups everyday? One practical thing that has helped us is having a babysitter pick up the kids a couple times a week. Those days you can get home a few minutes before they do and decompress. Some nights I even have the babysitter take the kids to dinner to get an hour of alone time, and the kids love it.

[mellym]

All the hugs. I'm an introvert too but naturally social which causes me to burn out when I get home. I'm type A and feel like I'm a therapist for so many people at work and then all the noise and touching and running around when I get home becomes too much. I wasn't taking care of me and spreading myself too thin. I've started letting go and outsource as much as I can and have bigger expectations on DH. He is an equal partner/parent so he takes on half of the load. We've split up responsibilities and the big thing for me is not stepping in and doing any of his stuff for him or questioning how he does it. Your DH travels quite a bit, but he can still handle some of the tasks remotely - set up daycare camps, lawn care, dentist/doctor appointments, home maintenance, etc.

Do you have a tendency to take on too much? If so, start saying no. You have a lot on your plate right now so it's okay to say no to hosting. We didn't go anywhere this weekend for that exact reason. Typically, I would've sucked it up but I'm trying to maintain my new boundaries.

Find a way to get alone time to recharge. For me, it's often taking a quick walk on my lunch break. It's amazing how much better I feel at the end of the day from a little fresh air. Or I'll eat lunch and read part of my book.

[phdmomma]

I say "I can't understand whining,", and pretend I don't know what they are talking about unless they ask calmly. But I can also tune them out pretty well in the car. Bedtime, however, is another beast.