Omg it's finally here. I really have nothing exciting going on in my life (other than 3 small kids, work FT and exercise) and have had no drama or updates to add to TWERKS besides my husband worked on the patio for the last year. I would say he did a fine job! Thank you all for helping me pick stuff! I have succulents (had to Google that) in an arrangement on the table. Some landscaping left to do but I'm gonna tell ya...... this is the BEST. I find myself saying "whatever!" to loads of laundry. Sundays my goal is to get stuff done so I can go hammock! I love it so much and H and I have spent a lot of time alone out there after putting the kids to bed just listening to music and hanging out. Inspiration came from the show Parenthood and WP suggestions. The kids like to lounge and call it The Oasis. Got my dinette set out of storage from 5 years ago when we bought our property, moved in with my parents and built. This is what I've been waiting for!
Not much in terms of TWERKS. I’ve made some new mom friends at the kids’ school. That makes me happy. And DH made friends with a bunch of the tee ball dads. That made me even happier.
Oh! Remember the jerk kid who told DD she couldn’t be an astronaut and needed to be a cheerleader and not play sports, etc? Well, we have gotten to know his parents, and they are freaking AWESOME. The dad helped out a little with tee ball, and he was DD’s biggest cheerleader. I overheard him telling DH that he loved how competitive DD is and how she’s a lot like his older daughters, which he just loves. The little shit has three older sisters (one 16 and 2 18), who are all gutsy girls who are beautiful and very athletic. So the kid is a mystery to me. I think part of it is that he’s kind of in love with DD (he is super girl crazy) and she thinks he’s a brat. So he is trying desperately to get her attention. I’ve watched them pretty closely, and he does the most kamikaze, insane things after yelling at DD to watch him. And he tries so hard to talk to her and, without being mean, she kind of blows him off. Yesterday he dunked her in the pool at the party, which terrified her. He was so apologetic when she cried, and DD’s “boyfriend” yelled at him. I felt sorry for the little turkey.
campermom omg that is stunning! Well done. When are we all invited over for a party?
Not a ton to report here. DH still unemployed. His mental health still terrible. I bought a journal this week off the clearance rack at B&N to try journaling myself through some of this. His bad days are so bad that I’m having a hard time maintaining any perspective on how often they are, how extreme, whether they’re closer or farther apart. I just can’t tell. I’m thinking I may do threat-level color coding to help me see at a glance the trends.
The copier at DD’s school has been broken for a couple weeks so no behavior charts in awhile. Though homework sheets are still appearing? So I think her teacher is just done with charts?
Parent teacher conference later today. This is one of the regularly scheduled ones to review academic progress so I’m hoping for an uneventful 15 mins.
I’m so sorry you are dealing with that@shakinros. Is the decline in his mental health directly related to employment status, or is is just a contributing factor? You don’t ha e to answer obviously if that’s too prying.
I took the day today to go on DD’s field trip to the zoo. I’m not sure what to expect -it’s going to be myself, a few other chaperones and about 80 kindergarteners...
I do have to work tomorrow but I get to leave at 3. One of the days we are going to head out to where some friends are camping for the weekend and hang with them for the day. I’d like to get to the beach at least one of the days and then we will have to figure something out for the third day. This has been a long week so I am v v v happy about the weekend.
MIL is still in the hospital. She was supposed to be released yesterday, but was so lethargic and had some swelling around her eye. So the doctor ended up keeping her for more tests. I'm at a loss on what to do here. FIL is still insisting on bringing MIL home against the doctor's recommendation. He's willing to call a service to help with bathing and respite care, but I don't think he will follow through. MIL's problems are bigger than he can handle. This will impact my DH and me because we are the only ones around to help. I have a bad feeling about this - someone is going to get hurt. SIL is coming in for a day this weekend, so I'm hoping that she can help DH talk some sense into FIL...
polecat8, I'm sorry you're dealing with that. It's gotta be hard to be stuck in the middle. Does MIL want to go home? Or does she have some opinion on what happens to her?
twinmomma, MIL is so out of it that she doesn't know her own name half of the time. If she is having a good day, sometimes she will whine to FIL about wanting to go home. I think FIL wants her to come home so he doesn't have to sit at the nursing home all day. We've told him that he doesn't need to be there all day every day, but he doesn't get it.
shakinros - the threat level coding is genius but I hate that you need a system at all.
DH will accept the offer and turn in his notice today - after meeting a new client on a trip - which is awful timing but it’s how it came together. I’m nervous about being here with him FT but am also trying to sell myself that he will be spending some time in Chicago, so DS and I can spend a weekend up there with him and see my family. Possibly even a half week as my cousin’s boys are his age and they have in home care and WiFi, so in theory I could work a day or two from up there, or I could send DS to a Bright Horizons camp through work.
I am stuck on his hours being in his offer as 9-6 - is that common at the executive level? He said he will have flex when he settles in, but if he can’t pick kids up at 6:30 from places the value in his being here ceases to exist. He complains about most meals and things all three kids used to eat they don’t all eat any more (salad bar, crudite, vegan meatballs, etc). We are “meeting” this week so I can explain how life works now and we can discuss how he fits in to this. Also, it IS a pay cut, in monthly earnings, with a bigger bonus. It’s not much, but enough that we will need to limit impulsive dumb spending (like buying a new pair of cleats because the first pair is still wet with mud and DH doesn’t want to deal with it, or the maid came so DH wants to eat out and chooses a $$$ place).
So to help me - what happens in your home when your DH arrives home from work? Mine seems to think he’s still operating solo and is (you should see the shell shocked look on his face) SHOCKED when things like a kid hands him homework or I hand him a serving plate and tell him leftovers are his and we are off to shower. It’s like he doesn’t know how he got here. Some days he calls me Confused because no one is here and he’s been home for hours. Google calendar MFer!! I want to be supportive but .... not unreasonably forgiving if that makes sense.
shakinros - the threat level coding is genius but I hate that you need a system at all.
DH will accept the offer and turn in his notice today - after meeting a new client on a trip - which is awful timing but it’s how it came together. I’m nervous about being here with him FT but am also trying to sell myself that he will be spending some time in Chicago, so DS and I can spend a weekend up there with him and see my family. Possibly even a half week as my cousin’s boys are his age and they have in home care and WiFi, so in theory I could work a day or two from up there, or I could send DS to a Bright Horizons camp through work.
I am stuck on his hours being in his offer as 9-6 - is that common at the executive level? He said he will have flex when he settles in, but if he can’t pick kids up at 6:30 from places the value in his being here ceases to exist. He complains about most meals and things all three kids used to eat they don’t all eat any more (salad bar, crudite, vegan meatballs, etc). We are “meeting” this week so I can explain how life works now and we can discuss how he fits in to this. Also, it IS a pay cut, in monthly earnings, with a bigger bonus. It’s not much, but enough that we will need to limit impulsive dumb spending (like buying a new pair of cleats because the first pair is still wet with mud and DH doesn’t want to deal with it, or the maid came so DH wants to eat out and chooses a $$$ place).
So to help me - what happens in your home when your DH arrives home from work? Mine seems to think he’s still operating solo and is (you should see the shell shocked look on his face) SHOCKED when things like a kid hands him homework or I hand him a serving plate and tell him leftovers are his and we are off to shower. It’s like he doesn’t know how he got here. Some days he calls me Confused because no one is here and he’s been home for hours. Google calendar MFer!! I want to be supportive but .... not unreasonably forgiving if that makes sense.
polecat8, That is rough, hopefully SIL can help talk FIL into what is best. Have you suggested to your FIL about going to a support group of some sort. He might think letting her stay in a nursing home is failing her and failing as a husband. It might help to hear from people who have gone through it themselves?
shakinros, Please remember to take care of yourself too.
For me:
My DH left for his annual training. He will be back the day before our c-section. I am already so tired. Only 3 weeks to go. Also, apparently I make big babies. DD is on track to be 9lbs. She is 7.5 now according to the ultrasound. DS was 9lbs 7oz when he was born.
campermom, It is gorgeous! I am jealous of the chairs and couch!
polecat8, Hang in there. If they can afford help, I hope then can hire some outside help. That can really take a toll on all involved.
My TWERK is my appraisal of my dad's land came in. It is about $10,000 less than my guess, but about $20,000 more than some had me scared it could be, so I'd say OK overall. Once it sells, which I hope is soon, It should cover everything but around $7,000 of our mudroom/garage/new floors addition.
We signed DS up for a sleepaway camp this week. I am exited for him. He went to camp a few years ago and came home with his soap and shampoo unopened, so hopefully, this will be better.
DD's last day of school is tomorrow. We have awards first thing in the morning. I pray she gets several medals. She works very hard and has straight A's, so she should, but she will count and compare with everyone else - she's a major scorekeeper. I'm only working 3 hours tomorrow and hope to take her to a friend's pool to celebrate the last day and have DS come after school.
2chatter, I pick up kids around 4:45/5 and we go home. Kids do their 10-15 minutes of homework and/or watch a show while I cook dinner. DH is usually home around 5:45/6. He often strolls in, pops open his laptop, and proceeds to try to triage email or catch up on the news. I nag him to eat dinner with us as a family. He finally shows up to the table after we've all started and we finish dinner together. Kids do showers/bath, DH and I chat and/or load the dishwasher. When it's time for bed one of us does bedtime and one of us washes dishes and cleans up dinner. That's basically a non-negotiable deal.
2chatter, I pick up kids around 4:45/5 and we go home. Kids do their 10-15 minutes of homework and/or watch a show while I cook dinner. DH is usually home around 5:45/6. He often strolls in, pops open his laptop, and proceeds to try to triage email or catch up on the news. I nag him to eat dinner with us as a family. He finally shows up to the table after we've all started and we finish dinner together. Kids do showers/bath, DH and I chat and/or load the dishwasher. When it's time for bed one of us does bedtime and one of us washes dishes and cleans up dinner. That's basically a non-negotiable deal.
Post by judyblume14 on May 24, 2018 8:01:32 GMT -5
OMG campermom!!! It's gorgeous! I don't see a hanging lantern thingy though. Did you get one? I would also toss all chores to the side in favor of laying in that hammock!
Post by covergirl82 on May 24, 2018 8:07:15 GMT -5
campermom, LOVE your patio! It looks like a perfect outdoor oasis.
2chatter, we don't use a shared calendar, but DH does participate in picking the kids up and taking them to a practice as needed. (Usually it's for DS because DH is often an assistant coach.) Other than that, when he gets home from work, he'll change and then either hang out with the kids while I make dinner or possibly start a chore like mowing the lawn or doing his laundry. (That was one of our deals when we got married, that because we both work, we each do our own laundry. It's worked out super well for the last almost 12 years.) How often does your H have to go to Chicago?
My update is that I just got back from the work conference I went to in Dallas. It was a great and I feel like I have a lot of great information and ideas. I could never travel often for work, but it was nice to have a few hours a day all to myself to watch TV and have a mental break from doing all the things.
Post by judyblume14 on May 24, 2018 8:10:39 GMT -5
2chatter, my H and I arrive home for the evening within minutes of each other (him, with kids in tow), around 6:15. The girls (3.5 and 1.5 do not have weeknight activities at this point). One of us gets dinner together while the other entertains the girls - including diaper change/potty, and then playing for a little bit. We eat dinner together. Since I shovel my food in my face, I'm done within 2 seconds and start clean-up (lunch containers, dinner prep dishes, getting leftovers together, packing lunch), while H tries to keep things moving at the dinner table. We do bath and bedtime together, with his focus on DD1 and mine on DD2. After the kids are in bed, we either both relax, or both do a chore or two.
Post by judyblume14 on May 24, 2018 8:22:08 GMT -5
Update on work. There was a big re-org that I mentioned here recently. There were 2 ways it could go. 1) Apply for a new position with more seniority, more visibility and more responsibility; or 2) re-create my current role.
The new position was posted last week. I meet about 50% of the qualifications. It's a pretty big step up. And it's based at the home office. They are offering a re-location package; which means that they are not likely to accept a remote employee in the role - which makes sense because a big part of the job is cultivating a relationship between our department and the executives of each major business unit. I'm unwilling to move halfway across the country.
Anyway. It seems too hard right now. I think it's my 5-year-plan-position. But I'm the tiniest bit busy at work right now and not handling the stress very well. And I'm not looking to work more than my current 45ish hours a week, and this new role would demand that, for sure. So, for now, I'm taking the "easy" way out by re-designing my current role. And until that new position is filled, I'm doing a sub-set of what will become the new person's responsibilities. That way, I can show that I'm somewhat capable; help onboard the person who does fill the position; support them and build a relationship with them so that I can take their job in 5 years.
2chatter- I’m not sure which definition of “executive” applies here, but in my company, VPs in Operations are at their desks working by 7 and generally knock off around 5. Non-Operations VPs are generally here by 8 and Work until 5:30 or so. The EVPs are all generally here 7-5.
Again, just one company, but we have a ton of flexibility, in part because my company expects us to pretty much be available by email 24/7.
I think my offer letter said I would work 8-5. It’s more like start emailing at 6, get to work before 8:30 but normally before 8, leave at 5, eat dinner and get kids in bed by 8:15, and stop working/emailing around 11. I work more than most of my coworkers because my job is weird, but you get the idea.
Post by librarychica on May 24, 2018 8:40:54 GMT -5
2chatter, I know where I am flexibility very much depends on the department but 6 isn’t unusual (and we get in at 7:30) but not expected. Pretty much if you get work done, you are good.
H and I aren’t a good example because we have it arranged where he does morning and I do evenings because I go in so early and he often works late. Sometimes when he is here in the evenings he sort of tunes out (like the other night when I was dealing with screamfest 2018 and he wandered off and started playing a video game?! But a “hey you!” is sufficient.) I will say I’ve recently made a rule “if you are going to come home on a conference call, don’t come home” strolling in and getting the kids and dog worked up but not engaging was a non-starter. Idk what I’d do if he didn’t want to engage, though.
Post by HeartofCheese on May 24, 2018 8:57:56 GMT -5
So gorgeous, campermom . No laundry would be getting done if that were my house.
shakinros, hugs. It's easy to get caught up in everything and overwhelmed. A journal is a great way to keep things pinned down. Good luck and lots of hugs.
Our settlement conference is finally rescheduled. Our days of all living together under the same roof are numbered and I am having lots and lots of feelings for the kids. I will also finally be able to move on from STBXH and I'm looking forward to throwing his stuff out. Although I secretly think that all of the "missing him" that I will do will be coming up, too - but only as I try to decide if I want to keep anything at all of his. I'm also trying to figure out how I will be spending half my time. I have a feeling I'll be marathon-ready by 41.
HeartofCheese - the upside of divorce is self care! DS is six and I still miss the occasional kid free weekend because after I got used to it, it was SO NICE.
mommyatty - DH will pound out the hours - I just thought it was super weird that they specified which hours he’s there (a 9:00 start is late to me for any business that’s here and not dealing with the west Coast). The upside is he can OWN all drop offs with no excuse because he can drop the kids and be in by 8:00 easily). He will lose it when I give him the run down on that, because he hasn’t done it in about seven years. Three kids, three locations, super fun and welcome to summer!
I think after he understands a baseline (like not disrupting dinner or actually talking to the kids and not diving into the laptop immediately and for the duration) things will be OK. He also has to stop being weird about me working 8-10 a couple days a week and going to bed at 8:30 one night a week.
2chatter- for DH’s schedule he had a long commute and got home at 7:30. This put me still solidly in the all drop off and pick ups and after school activities and dinner/ homework. I left one kid up for him to put to bed. He did trash, dishes, mail during the week. On the weekends he will do laundry.
Now he is travelling between 2-4 days a week. He is doing one kid activity a week usually baseball and 1-2 drop off and pick ups a week. Occasionally cooks if he is home. It’s a very flexible schedule because we all have to work around meetings that he has to travel for. So I usually don’t kniw until the day before or morning of but I work 9-5 so I can usually cover it.
If he goes in late than in makes sense that he do most of the morning stuff and if you are able to get off early than you do more evening stuff and tag him in 1-2 nights a week or for things that get out or start later.
But yeah with 3 kids in sports and other activities he needs to let go of the idea that he will have a hot family dinner with everyone around the table every night. And he will need to at least check the schedule.
Post by traveltheworld on May 24, 2018 9:42:40 GMT -5
2chatter, I was considered director level when I got hired and my employment letter said 8:30 to 5:30, but no one ever kept count. From what I can tell, the other executives are all in and out at irregular times. But we also all travel a lot so no one bats an eye if you are not physically in your office, and you are expected to be responsive 24/7 anyhow. So I'd think your DH will have some flexibility once he settles in.
My TWERKS - we sold our rental townhouse. The price was lower than we hopes, but possession is June 1 so we don't have to deal with staging costs or just carrying a mortgage, so we just went with it.
I passed my one year work anniversary. I'm really happy that I made the change. I love my job and really like the people. Don't like the travelling, but that was the deal and I knew that coming in. We are also starting to get to know some people in the city - still no real "friends" yet, but hopefully that'll come with time.
Thanks y’all. Too many people to tag, but I appreciate the support.
helenahhandbasket Unemployment is a contributing factor, but the main things are some significant childhood trauma and PTSD from a violent crime a few years ago. It’s quite serious stuff that he’s only made an effort to start working through in the last year or two. It needs and deserves a lot of time and attention buuuut we also need two incomes. Like, now. I also would prefer to have a partner in the house.
Doesn’t help to lose the external structure provided by a job; without that, his days turn to mush and his mental health falls right off a cliff.
Today is my birthday. It was already not going to be fun because I’m at a client board meeting with my boss. But we also have the perfect storm, for the first time since my first kid started daycare almost 6 years ago, of DD puking at school while both DH and I are out of town, plus my parents are not in town, and our babysitter who is normally free during the day is busy. So I had to have a SAHM friend pick DD up and have DH leave his conference early. So their days are messed up, and I get to feel guilty for that and for not being with sick DD. Thank god the long weekend is coming up.
Welp, sappy mom moment, but we had DD's kindergarten assessment today. It was during morning assembly at the school, and DD was so terrified and intimated of all the kids, but after a few minutes she just stared at all the kids and hasn't shut up about it since. She is so excited about kindergarten. (I mean, I'm excited about it too.. but also uncertain how we'll handle two drop-offs/pickups, especially not having any idea of what we're doing for before/aftercare. But I have almost 3 months to figure it out.)
Post by erinshelley21 on May 24, 2018 12:25:15 GMT -5
campermom that space is dreamy! You both did a great job!
I interviewed for a job on Monday at one of the 2 companies I hoped to and up at and didn't get it. I applied for 2 jobs at the other company and didn't even get called for an interview. I only applied so I wouldn't completely miss an opportunity. I'm trying to convince myself that it's the fact that I need PT until end of July.
Only 2 more months left of biting my tongue every time my brother says something shitty. Yesterday he asked why I was upset about the job, brought up a basketball goal POST (not even the damn goal or backboard) that I told to a vendor from our wedding SEVEN YEARS ago, and cut me off when I was trying to explain something that would help him solve a big problem. So far today he's already asked me the same question 3 times and my answer has not changed.
campermom, that looks amazing and so worth the wait in my book. sdlaura, Happy birthday. I hope the meeting wraps up quick and you can get home. Can you take tomorrow off to stay home? 2chatter, I think the hardest part is for YH to adjust his habits of eating out 3 times a day. I can see you getting him to do drop offs but then stopping for breakfast every morning with all 3 kids or forgetting stuff and making a run to the store and just grabbing whatever. As you all know my DH doesn't do much around the house from all my tax season extra stress. Now that I have shorter hours his only big chore is to mow and do his laundry and eat if he chooses to when we eat. My H keeps adding in after work fun stuff so he isn't home for dinner, homework, bath/bedtime which actually seems to work out better for DD and I.