Question for those with pools and annoying neighbors

[justcheckingin73]

Sorry this is so long but after writing this, I realized it's not really about the pool..lol. It's about this new to us family but I'm curious how you handle invites with your neighbors - esp ones that you don't know very well. And feel free to comment on the family too because I'm usually too nice and I don't want to wish my summer away so I don't have to deal with them.

Question: do you have an open invitation with your pool? I.e. if you're in it, anyone is welcome? Or is it more by invitation and if so, is it every weekend or do you put limits on it?

I tend to be a little antisocial about the pool. Now that the kids are older, I love that they have someone to play with but I also like to enjoy the pool so I don't allow friends over every time we're in it. Plus, if DS (8) has friends over, I stay out there the whole time. It's only a 4 ft deep, above ground pool, but you never know what could happen. This is huge time suck for me - I get nothing done - and obviously it involves cleaning and skimming the pool which we do ourselves. And, being an introvert, I don't have the energy to constantly entertain other kids parents - I'd prefer it's just the kids, although I'm OK with the parent coming for a bit to see what the setup is and let them know that I'm always out there, etc. I understand the fear around pools for some people.

Here's the backstory on the family. DS started playing with this girl (9ish?) from the street over a few months ago. This may not be fair but I really don't like the kid that much. A few reasons - on two different occasions this winter, when I told her playtime was over, she told me - but my mom said I could play until __. Don't care kid. Plus, she stalls so much, it takes her 10-15 minutes just to get out of my house. Just this weekend when DH was prepping the pool, he could hear her whining to DS to ask if they could swim - it wasn't filled and had not been cleaned yet - PLUS she had already made DS ask twice before. DH shot her a look, like don't even think about asking again. She doesn't take no for an answer (I think this has more to do with parenting than stubborness but that's just my opinion). I feel bad for DS because he's afraid he's going to get in trouble.

Anyway, apparently DS told her she could swim after 10 on Monday. Which she couldn't. DS forgot that DD was in a parade. So the mom texts me to ask if this is true and if so, would I prefer an extra set of eyes and oh could she bring her son too (whom I've never met). But first she has to run an errand and then her mil is coming for a couple of hours. TMI. I told her the deal with the parade, we'd eat lunch and I'd let her know when we were ready. So around 12:30 I texted her that the pools open and she replied that they were just sitting down to eat and she'd text me when they were ready. OK. At 2:15 they show up. Her DS was afraid of the water so she got in with him (I didn't). 

So, while she's in the water she said - I didn't even know you had a pool. OK. I said well it's nice on hot days like this esp when I go for runs. She said - oh yeah, my DH went for a run the other day and I told him he should knock on your door to take a quick dip to cool off (I'm pretty sure she was serious). WTF??!! I barely know these people and I've never met her DH. Then she says, I'm having surgery in July so I thought I'd circle the wagons with the moms letting them know. Again, WTF? I didn't even know what to say. What does that mean? You want me to watch your kids? No thanks. I don't even like them!

She finally left with her DS at 3:30 and her DD stayed until 4. I wanted them out of there by 2 or 3 so my entire day was shot. I know that I'm assuming a lot based on this but the general feeling I get from this family is take, take, take. The problem is, I don't like them enough to accept offers from them (not they they've ever offered). I want to be a kind person but at what cost? Any thoughts? Suggestions? Am I preemptively overreacting? 

[mustardseed2007]

I don't have a pool, but many of my neighbors do. I would never think that there's an open invitation on anyone's pool if only for liability reasons.

In my opinion you just need to set really clear boundaries from the start. Tell them - we really police our pool for safety and liability reasons. This is both for kids and adults. And then, when you do extend an invitation, make sure they understand - noon to 2 you can come over. If you're not available between noon to 2, then we'll get together some other time.

[covergirl82]

I don't have a pool, but I'm very protective of my time at home. I don't think you're overreacting. I would never have an open invitation to friends/family/neighbors if I had a pool, but I also lean anti-social. As much as my kids would probably enjoy living in a big development with lots of kids, there's a reason we picked a house on 4.5 acres on cul-de-sac street with only 8 houses.

This definitely sounds like a situation where you need to set clear boundaries, which for these people, probably means explicitly telling them that your pool is not "open" whenever and you will invite them over when it works out for you.

And unrelated to the whole pool thing, but now I'm curious if the mom works. Because if she doesn't, why in the world would she schedule a surgery when her kids are out of school??

[xctsclrx]

So don't have a pool but:

Do not ever feel like your pool is an open invite. Having her DH ask to cool off is a big no. Unless you guys were best of friends and you offered.

I believe it should be invite only, but if your kid is inviting people over I understand parents wanting to be near their kid around water play.

I would tell her that the pool is open between certain times of day, only if you want. Like hey I am opening the pool at noon, but closing around 230 so we can get some errands done. It's your pool do what you want. If they want full access then they can pony up so maintenance money.

I would ask to bring my younger kid and hang out too if my older one was getting too. I love the pool. Might not be polite, but I would probably still ask. Plus, no offense to you, I want to watch my own kid around water, at least right now.


ETA: Also want to add that these people sound like the type who might knock to see if you are home and use your pool anyway. They seem very pushy and not used to hearing the word no. 

[2chatter]

I’m zero sum so take this with a grain of salt. DH and I also had this discussion this weekend because we swam with people here all weekend. These are the people who don’t get to swim in our pool:
1) people who insist on coming with their kids but aren’t people I can easily converse with. Swimming will not be work for me.
2) people with any children I don’t like. Because siblings somehow end up in our pool too.
3) people who don’t understand clocks. If I say we are swimming 12:30-2:30 that means your kid is dry and ready to leave at 2:30 unless they have been invited to play - I have shit to do.
4) people who weren’t raised right (like that lady - you come when invited or come another time. Period).
5) people who oppose alcohol. I’m not drunk, but if it’s 5:30 on a Saturday I have a beer if I want one. Judge me? You and your kid can sunbathe together in your pool free backyard.
6) people I don’t like. DH struggles with this one. He thinks I “should” invite the neighbors but they fail multiple criteria above AND they are WEIRD. I want to enjoy my kids and pool - I finally asked DH what it is about the pool specifically that makes him think I should spend my time with people I find rude, annoying and not very bright.
7) people whose kids cannot swim but they won’t send or allow them to use puddle jumpers, etc. I can’t WTF this enough and it’s why we haven’t had and won’t have a swim party. I have seen numerous non swimmers almost drown because there are parents who seem to think swimming is a skill that happens through exposure. No, idiots, that’s how drowning happens, you have it backwards.

[mae0111]

I'm a lot like you - introvert, DNW people over here all the time. We have a large in ground pool with a 9 ft deep end, so if the kids are in the pool (8 and 5), I'm out there. I can't even see it from the house because our lot is such a strange shape.

I'm very careful not to make any open invitations, and my kids have learned (the hard way), not to invite anyone over without OK-ing it with us first. My next door neighbor has 4 kids ranging from 8 to 2. She and DD1 don't really hang out (not for lack of DD1 trying), but I invited her over when DD1 was having a little pool party last summer. I told everyone that I could not accommodate siblings that day, so the mom dropped off her daughter that has MANY behavioral, social, and medical issues, and went on her way (both her husband and her mother were home, so watching the other kids was not an issue). It did not go well. She entered the pool and immediately started splashing the other kids in the face, ignoring every request to stop. I'm not anxious to have them over again.

I have other neighbors that are older and much easier, and I don't care if they stay here all day (but they never would... their mom wouldn't ever allow it unless I very clearly invited them to stay all day).

I do a lot of last-minute invitations... is all my stuff done? Can i spend the next 5 hours out there? Do I have it in me to host kids/adults for hours? If the answer is no to any of these, I don't invite anyone, and I don't feel bad about it.

[waverly]

I do not have a pool, and I am also an introvert. I never assumed I could go to anyone's house ever. I hate dropping in on people without calling except family- DH has done that maybe twice in his life with me in tow, and I was mortified the entire time.

Also just because they have a pool, I would never assume I could come over anytime. I would say the person is invited at the times that you want them to come then end. In that situation, you left it just a teeny bit open ended so they came when they could like a playdate. Oh I can come at this time, oh I can do that time type thing. I would be bit more firm with your times.

Otherwise, I would ignore the husband swim comment and surgery comment. If the husband drops by which I think is unlikely based on your answer which I assume was negative or a negative face, then I would just say sorry we can't do that now. As for the surgery, maybe she just meant meals or whatnot. I don't think it's a terrible idea to let people know just in case of an emergency. I don't take it as watch my kids unless they say watch my kids. Maybe she is hinting that she wants you to offer, but I would just let it play out and see what happens.

ETA- And WTF to that lady when you say you are ready at 12:30 and she comes almost 2 hours later.  Maybe a text saying OK we are getting out now.  See you another time.  And limit invitations a lot because she has no concept of time. 

[HeartofCheese]

I'd probably tell the little girl that she has to ask you if she can get in the pool, not your DS, and that no is no no matter how many times she asks.

As for the mom, I'd say no every time she asks to come over no matter what. But maybe once over the summer (twice if I'm generous), I'd send her a very specific invitation to bring just her DD and herself over for a specific range of time. Then I'd enforce the shit out of the terms of the invitation, i.e., if she comes with more than herself and her daughter - send them home. If she comes late, send them home at the agreed time. Ask them if they still want to get in knowing they will have to leave at such-and-such a time. I would just tell them that you have to be very careful to enforce the rules or else people tend to break them which sets you up for liability and nuisance issues.

That said, I had a friend who had a pool and in spite of playing with her nearly every day, every summer for a few years - I never got invited to play in the pool. It stung. But this little girl was the devil in a number of ways, so I chalk it up to that.

[ECB]

Yeah, I'm with the others- you need to set boundaries. Not in a "sit them down and lay it out" way, of course.

But to the stories you told =

1 - Your DS invites the girl to swim but it's actually not a good time. To that, I'd just "laugh" it off and say that unfortunately DS isn't up to date on our schedule and X isn't a good time.

2 - when putting out a good time, as already mentioned, put an end time. "you're welcome to come over from 12 - 2." and if at 2, they make no moves to leave, you nicely say "Well, gang, we've got to call it a day! We've got things to do." and get them moving to leave.

3 - if by SOME crazy chance they actually do just show up (her or her DH or... whoever) - I don't care what is going on, say NO! They knock at the door asking to use the pool? "Oh- I'm sorry, but now isn't a good time!" Period. Don't offer "maybe later" or whatever. Just say "Now isn't a good time". Because if you let them in the first time unannounced, they'll assume it's o.k. to do that.

(And with all of the above - just be careful about giving too much info.  You don't have to explain to them the mistake in communication - you can just say "DS was incorrect.  We can't have DD over at 10 to swim.".  AND THEN - if you really do want to offer up a later time, great.  But you don't have to!  "Today isn't a good day" is a fine answer.)

As far as her coming over with her other child... that's harder to say "no" to. Maybe someone else will have an idea of how to say that. I mean, if she offers the "extra set of eyes", you could say "Oh- I'm fine. It's just the 2 kids - not a big deal" and maybe she'd get the hint. But if she really wants to come and her one child is already coming.... I know ME and I'd have a hard time saying "no" to that.

And as far as her DD not listening/ dawdling ... we have a kid in our neighborhood who is like this. I'll call him Matt. I'm nice about it, but I am a LOT more firm with him now. One day, he and his brother were in my living room while DS was upstairs. I said "hey guys, why don't we wait for DS outside". The brother started to move to get up but Matt didn't. So I say something again about going out. The brother gets up and really does start to head outside. Matt just sits there and keeps playing with this item that was on our table. I finally just looked at him and said "O.k. Matt- it's time to go outside. Please put that down and head outside. Ds will be out in a minute".

I don't wait 10 or 15 mins for him to actually leave anymore. I'm just very direct and to the point with him now. I've flat out said "Matt - you need to leave now!"  I'll add on "we'll see you later" or "DS will be able to play tomorrow" to be nice, but I'm also blunt too! 

But I feel your angst on that issue.  in the end, again, boundaries.  And don't be afraid to be more firm with her DD if you need to be.   

[justcheckingin73]

Thank you all - you have verified that I’m not overreacting/overthinking this but apparently I need to develop a spine I agree that I need to be specific when I ask - DD (not siblings unless I’m feeling generous) is welcome to swim until ___ time.

xctsclrx, I was a little annoyed that she invited her DS over but I do understand and would prefer that she be there when he is there because he can’t reach the bottom. I’m not dealing with that. However, I don’t want this to be a package deal every time. She said she is OK with her DD being there but wanted to make sure she felt comfortable - again totally fine with me.

covergirl82, she does work but I don’t know what her schedule is. Without giving too much away, she’s in performing arts so it seems like she only works nights (not a stripper though!) and only when there is a performance going on. So I’m not sure if she’s even working right now since DD babysat the last time she had a performance.

2chatter, this is so spot on! I told DH maybe I should have a beer when she comes to see how she would react.

mae0111, I’m usually very last minute with my invitations too, exactly for the reasons you say.

[ECB]

Oh, and far as the surgery comment - don't read too much into that yet. She may just be looking for help with meals or what not. OR IF she actually is looking for help watching her kids, you don't have to offer! She's making some big assumptions if tat's what she's really looking for

[justcheckingin73]

ECB, she tried to talk to me into staying after I told her it was time to get out of the pool. She told me - well I’m just going to sit here and dry off. I said well your mom is expecting you home now. Again, she said she was going to sit there and dry off. I said very firmly you have 5 minutes to dry off and I went inside. She ended up leaving shortly after. So I completely agree, some people will take a mile and she is one of them.

Thanks for the other comments too - I need some sample language sometimes.

[ECB]

May 29, 2018 12:51:42 GMT -5 2chatter said:

6) people I don’t like. DH struggles with this one. He thinks I “should” invite the neighbors but they fail multiple criteria above AND they are WEIRD. I want to enjoy my kids and pool - I finally asked DH what it is about the pool specifically that makes him think I should spend my time with people I find rude, annoying and not very bright.

This one is giving me the huge "HUH?!?!".  I'm with you- why on earth does having a pool mean you have to hang out with people you don't like??  Has your DH ever explained himself on this one?  

And why does he think YOU should invite them?  If he's home and HE wants to entertain these people - he can have at it.  Why does this fall on you?

[justcheckingin73]

May 29, 2018 13:21:12 GMT -5 ECB said:

Oh, and far as the surgery comment - don't read too much into that yet. She may just be looking for help with meals or what not. OR IF she actually is looking for help watching her kids, you don't have to offer! She's making some big assumptions if tat's what she's really looking for

I’m definitely going to wait and see on that comment, although I assume it’s not meals she’s looking for as she mentioned she’s having weight loss surgery. And, a few months ago, she asked me to watch her kids on a school night until 9 ish (love the ish). I said no but it seems like she has no bounds.

[ECB]

May 29, 2018 13:22:39 GMT -5 justcheckingin73 said:

ECB , she tried to talk to me into staying after I told her it was time to get out of the pool. She told me - well I’m just going to sit here and dry off. I said well your mom is expecting you home now. Again, she said she was going to sit there and dry off. I said very firmly you have 5 minutes to dry off and I went inside. She ended up leaving shortly after. So I completely agree, some people will take a mile and she is one of them.

Thanks for the other comments too - I need some sample language sometimes.

OMG!!  You have the female version of Matt.  LOL.  

Hugs!!

[k3am]

Growing up, I had an open invitation to use our neighbor's pool as long as a parent or one of my sisters (11 and 14 years older than me) was present. They were never home, so we'd let ourselves in and enjoy our time there. But times are different now and the fear of lawsuits are real. I'm also pretty sure that my parents used to skinny dip there... with the owners. Again, times were different. Shudder.

You are never obligated to host anyone. You are never obligated to give people free reign of your home/yard/pool/anything. You may, as time goes by, have people that fit the bill that you're comfortable doing it with, but these are clearly not those people.

[ECB]

May 29, 2018 13:25:47 GMT -5 justcheckingin73 said:

May 29, 2018 13:21:12 GMT -5 ECB said:

Oh, and far as the surgery comment - don't read too much into that yet. She may just be looking for help with meals or what not. OR IF she actually is looking for help watching her kids, you don't have to offer! She's making some big assumptions if tat's what she's really looking for

I’m definitely going to wait and see on that comment, although I assume it’s not meals she’s looking for as she mentioned she’s having weight loss surgery. And, a few months ago, she asked me to watch her kids on a school night until 9 ish (love the ish). I said no but it seems like she has no bounds.

O.k. - sorry, that made me LOL. Just because of thinking of a meal train.  But yes, you're right.  Probably not looking for food.  Well - she could find herself in a pickle if she can't actually circle all the moms to watch her kids for her.  But oh well- poor planning on her part!

[mustardseed2007]

justcheckingin73, honestly to a kid who drags her feet on listening to me, I would really say -

well sugar, the rule here is that kids who don't listen right away will have to take a break from coming back. So that's your choice. Being around water, it's a safety issue if you don't listen to everything I say and cooperate right away.

And then follow through.

[justcheckingin73]

May 29, 2018 13:27:20 GMT -5 ECB said:

May 29, 2018 13:25:47 GMT -5 justcheckingin73 said:

I’m definitely going to wait and see on that comment, although I assume it’s not meals she’s looking for as she mentioned she’s having weight loss surgery. And, a few months ago, she asked me to watch her kids on a school night until 9 ish (love the ish). I said no but it seems like she has no bounds.

O.k. - sorry, that made me LOL. Just because of thinking of a meal train.  But yes, you're right.  Probably not looking for food.  Well - she could find herself in a pickle if she can't actually circle all the moms to watch her kids for her.  But oh well- poor planning on her part!

I was lol-ing as I wrote it. I don’t want to give too much away but it just reinforced for me that she’s probably looking for childcare. 

And another lol to the matt comment. Maybe I’ll start calling her that. Ok matt, it’s time to go! Cue the wtf face from her

[186momx]

We have a pool and I'm super picky about who can be in it an who can't. 3 years running on the pool and the only people who haven't been family members are the girls who babysat last summer for DD. They couldn't use the pool without me home but I told them if they wanted to get in after I got home it was okay with me. I think only the 13 year old took us up on the offer. For me it is liability and pools are expensive and I don't want any peeing in my pool.

[helenahhandbasket]

My gosh.

You are not overreacting at all. This lady has no idea how to navigate boundaries. I would never expect an open invitation to someone's pool. Does this lady SAH?

How does your DS feel about her kids? Would he be upset if you said you prefer he keep his distance?

Obviously it's nice to be friendly with neighbors, but sometimes your neighbors suck. I would feel v v v put out and uncomfortable here and I would just have to get comfortable saying "I am sorry, this isn't a good time".

[akafred]

I mean, other members of her household will be eating meals, even if she is eating something completely different. That could still be her thought process. Still very presumptuous. People offer help; you don't assign it to them!

I think you've gotten good advice on the rest. I have begun to think over the course of my life that other people just don't see time the way I do. I tend to be concrete and punctual. I don't blow people off and I don't expect to be blown off. I remember one time in college someone in my dorm asked to use my computer at a certain time and never showed up. I felt like I couldn'tleave because I had to wait for her (what???). Silly naive me. I have learned since then to be more direct and don't expect others to be like me.

[2chatter]

ECB - these people - kids and grown ups - say things like “I wish we had a pool” and “having a pool must be so nice” and “let us know when you are going out of town so we can sneak over and swim haha”. I don’t speak to them much because again, weird, rude kids and I don’t play but DH is a SUCKER and talks to everyone (even when he regrets it!)

DH also tried to tell me I am so Southern except the hospitality thing and I told him he clearly doesn’t understand Southern. I absolutely do hang out with some people I don’t love because I have to, but I don’t have to with these people! He then asked me why I’m nice to them then. I seriously think he can’t read me at all - and thinks when I’m sweet to people I like them. Not so much.

I would totally give helping with weight loss surgery child care fishing comments a super wide berth. No. Way. Don’t ask even one question! And totally call her Matt if you have to see her again and report back. (You totally don’t have to see her again. I told one mom that I meditate and focus on having conscious breaths and thoughts when the kids swim, which is a total lie. But she didn’t have an insistent response to that one!!).

[sdlaura]

We have a pool, but there are also two neighborhood pools within a couple blocks of us, so our neighbors just go to those if they want a pool.

[mommyatty]

Not having any other kids in our neighborhood is a mixed blessing. The closest we came to this is when my BFF one time told me her hubs asked if they could bring their son over every evening after my kids were in bed to practice swimming so he could be on a swim team. Um, no. First off, my kids would hear him. Second, that’s a huge imposition. Third, your hubs and kid are both socially awkward and weird and your hubs yells at your kid constantly even when it’s utterly unwarranted. Do I want to listen to him “coach” your kid in the evenings? Absolutely not. Luckily she had shut him down and was telling me in a “I don’t know how to help him be less awkward but good lord the shit he thinks is okay” conversation.

The good thing is that you can totally cite liability. “When I am not 100% focused on the kids, they aren’t swimming. Period. And as a working mom, I have little time I am willing to spend that way. I’m sure you understand.”