Morning routine + SOS

[waverly]

I have been doing the morning routine for 7 years now almost 8.  Sometimes H is here, but for the most part when he is here the extent of what he does is get kids out of bed, which is helpful.  And today he did the trash.

When I asked him if he was going to take the kids to camp he said no.  Later he said yes because he recalculated the time for the train, I guess.  So he did take them.  But he is generally speaking wishy washy or whatever, so I don't sometimes even like to ask if I know he is going to the city.  

But in the meantime, we have essentially one bathroom to get ready in (the other bathroom is a half bath on the other floor), he takes forever in the bathroom.  Then DD took forever in the bathroom.  Which meant I was yelling at her.  She also takes forever with everything- getting dressed, putting on sunscreen, getting her hair done, feeding the cat, eating breakfast.  All of which I am in charge of.  I also pack the lunches.  I have asked DH to pack lunches, but I get the you are so good at it crap line from him, and then he acts like he doesn't know how or what to pack.  But he is taking her, so I guess why do I care if they are late, but then he misses his train maybe? 

I don't want to diminish what he does do, but when his list is 2-3 things and then he is on his phone, and my list is 7 things, I get crabby. Especially because he is on his phone, but then because he is trying to tell her what to do too, armchair parenting while I am the one standing right next to her actually doing the things, and then he tells her the opposite.  Like he says feed the cat while I have the sunscreen bottle in my hand about to spray her.  

Any advice?  I am tempted to list out the morning tasks on the calendar or a list on the refrigerator and put his initials next to some of them or something like that.  I mean if he is there, because he isn't always, he should be helpful.  But the extent of his helpfulness is about 10 minutes, while the rest of the hour is me.  

[CrazyLucky]

I think the idea of listing the tasks is a great one. Then a conversation. "Look, DH, these are all the things that have to be done every single morning. I'll be kind enough to let you choose which half you want to do." What is your DD doing in the bathroom? If she's just brushing hair and teeth, can she move to the half bathroom?
We mostly make lunches at night. Is that a possibility? Someone gave us a tip to prep as much as possible for the week on Sunday night, and I think that helps us. So for example, I take snap peas in my lunch every day. On Sunday, I wash them and put them in five different containers. Then each day, i just have to grab a container and put it in the lunch bag. DH does the same with chips.

I know everyone says to have them pick out their clothes at night. That works fine for DS, but DD inevitably changes her mind and then we either wait for her to pick a new outfit or argue about wearing the one she already picked out.

DH is pretty good at parenting, but it absolutely irks the hell out of me when I'm trying to do ten things at once and he's chilling out playing on his phone.

[waverly]

We had more time in the morning because I used to work 8-4 and now I work 9-5, so I would have time in the morning. But no one was getting out of bed, so that time was eaten up today. I was hoping to keep lunch fresher, but if they aren't going to be helping me all the time (DS helped me yesterday) then I guess I will just do them the night before... I always just did hot lunch at school as one less thing. I seem to have exchanged homework time for making lunches.

DS is fine, it is DD that is the slowpoke, so I think we will have to do the clothes thing at night.

[rere]

I'm just going to commiserate here. I have an all day meeting with state stakeholders 2 hours from home, so I had to leave at 5. I walked out of my bedroom to a crying Dd because her ear hurt. Ask Dh to take her in, he says he'll try? And acts like it is a huge deal. Yes I know you worked last night, but you don't ho to sleep until 9:30/10. I can't miss. Can you not act like you are doing me a huge favor of this burden of your child. It's always about his job, his schedule, this time it is me. We are equal earners, so my job should not be a nuisance. He likes having money.

[mommyatty]

I would set a timer in the bathroom. Everyone gets 10 minutes. Then get your ass out and take your stuff downstairs to the half bath to finish up. (Side note: part of the reason I cannot live in a HCOLA again is I demand one sink per person and one toilet per two people. Non-negotiable. Right now we have 6 sinks and 4 toilets, if you count the half bath by the pool, for 4 people.)

Yes to the task list, and yes to assigning him fully half of it. Also, yes to packing lunch at night and setting out breakfast. Also, we started just cutting our kids off at a certain point. They both got a snack at school, so we figured if they were hungry it was only for a couple of hours. But if they choose not to eat breakfast, oh well. The consequence of that is hunger. We warned them, it happened a couple of times, and now they eat without dawdling.

[hocus2]

You have a few different issues at play. Some of it is the imbalance but there is a lot of last min stuff going on.

You and your DH should be planning drop offs the night before. If he's going to take them then you know when everyone has to be out the door and can work backwards and make sure everyone is up with enough time. If you have slow kids put them to bed earlier so you can wake them earlier in the morning to give them more time. Do not let them watch TV in the AM.

I would push to do more the night before -- clothing, lunches, bags, trash etc. It is fine to hot lunch at school if you want and it is an option if it makes your life easier.

[waverly]

hocus2, DH's schedule is last minute. I have learned to roll with it, but it does drive me a little crazy. He never volunteers information either, and I am tired of prying it out of him. I just assume I am doing everything. It is because he is a consultant and could travel at a moments notice.

But if he isn't traveling, and going to the city, which I assumed he was because he tries to see his counselor on Mondays or Thursdays, but he could share his train schedule with me and/ or give me a heads up. I don't feel it is my responsibility to ask him every day which train he is taking, he should communicate that IMO.

We do have a no TV rule in the AM. School is out now, and camp doesn't provide lunch so this is our first week of a new routine. I put my kids to bed usually at 7:30 but last night it was 8. I should be more on top of it. The 7 year old doesn't need that much sleep, but the 5 year old does.

I am also having a problem with DS eating all the breakfast food. It is supposed to last all week, and DD wanted some. What do you do with kids that have entered the eat you out of house and home stage?

[waverly]

mommyatty , I guess I figured sending without breakfast equals me being a bad mom. I guess because of things in my past or the schools emphasizing breakfast. She is just not hungry in the morning, so I even settle for a few bites of cereal in the morning or a few bites of applesauce or an apple, but its just such a fight.

[justcheckingin73]

I can commiserate with you and got frustrated just reading your post because I’m in the thick of many of those issues right now but all day. I totally agree with the armchair parenting comment. DH will yell at the kids (in solidarity apparently?!) while looking at his ipad in front of the TV, while I’m up working with them/helping them. Way to put 100% effort into parenting DH!

And he can come and go when he pleases so any help I get is based on when he decides to leave/come home and then what he decides he has the energy to help with.

Last night he didn’t get home until close to 8 which is unusual when it’s not tax season. I sent him a snarky text - I guess you’re working late? Then he gets home and explains/complains about work and why he was late. F! He doesn’t get it. #1, I’m so sick of hearing him complain about work - same shit, different day, I know that sounds bitchy but I’m over it. #2, it’s not about why you’re late - send me a freaking text to let me know you’re running late. Why is that so hard? Set realistic expectations and you’ll be amazed at how much happier your wife is.

[mommyatty]

waverly- I have one kid who eats an insane amount in the morning and one who some days eats one bite of a breakfast bar and drinks some chocolate milk. I went through stages where the thought of eating in the morning made me physically gag, so I’m much more a believer in listening to your body and eating when hungry than I am eating on a schedule. If she doesn’t want food in the morning, fine! We did warn the teachers when DD got cut off early since she’s my morning food hog. They would just give her a bigger helping at snack time. But with DS? Nah.

As far as kids who eat you out of house and Home, there are limits on the prized things DD can eat. For example, she can have 2 Milano cookies. That’s it. Then she can eat something else like applesauce or fresh fruit. (And my God that kid will eat fruit. Like 2 whole grapefruit or 5 plums.) So basically if it’s something both kids like, we ration. But if it’s something only she likes, she can go to town if it’s healthy.

[186momx]

I'm just going to commiserate with you. I agree he should let you know his schedule and you shouldn't have to ask. I've found it is just 10 times easier to do morning for DD and I without DH home. So the few days he is home and we both need to go during the week he stays in bed or hides in the garage. He tries to help but then doesn't know where anything is or asks 20 questions and needs my help to put her lunch into the pail kind of thing so it is just easier to do it myself.

As far as eating you out of house and home. I set limits and if it is something you want your other child to have then I would pre-portion out how much they will eat so and make it off limits to the hungry kid. I also am not a breakfast eater. I need a good hour or more before I even want to think about eating. Could you pack a bar or something for her to eat when she arrives at camp?

[xctsclrx]

waverly, Husband thing. I would absolutely give him a list and tell him if he is in town he is doing a, b and c. Also might be my military background here, but I would also have a time line with that list, and have "time hacks." It doesn't work for everyone, but my mom would stay out of my way and then check on me at certain time intervals to make sure I was on track.

Food thing: I have teenage boys right now. They want to eat everything if it is junk food. (waffles, poptarts, cereal, crackers)

I put limits on things. You can only have two waffles, if you are still hungry eat a banana or eggs or something else. Basically if it is a prepackage they only get a serving. If they are still hungry then they can put in the extra effort or eat fruits or veggies. I don't put any limits on fruits and veggies. If they aren't willing to eat it then they weren't that hungry.

If I didn't put these rules in place my kids would eat a box of frozen waffles a day. I can't afford that nonsense.

Now that they are older and understand consequences better, I will get them a weeks worth of food that they like and if they eat it in one day so be it, I am not going grocery shopping again until next week. Guess you have to eat the healthy stuff now.

[2chatter]

waverly - parallel lives again.

I’m struggling with this especially as DH transitions. He’s very “the world revolves around me”. He commits to things when I raise them then backs out. Ex: Tuesday he agreed to take the kids on Thursday so I could work and attend class parties. He tried to bail on that last night. Nope. He agreed but said he needs help (nope, he’s a grown man. He can wrangle two kids). I told him I’d be working and asked when he planned to shower. He said after taking the kids. So I told him I’m locking him out of our room (my office is on the other side of our room) until the kids are gone because I am working. It totally worked! No kids with hairbrushes, no DH “where are DS shoes?” (Hint - not in my office!), no “can you make them waffles?”....it was glorious.

The moral of the story is - broker agreement and then natural consequences. DH also didn’t unload and reload the dishwasher (which he said he would do) so he had to hand wash water bottles this morning. I just stared at him blank faced when he looked for sympathy after his shower and he realized and said he knows he seems like a sitcom dad and he will do better and he sees what I mean. We will see. But DHs are sometimes like kids - let them fail.

As for the constant schedule change - FWIW - unless I NEED help I don’t ask DH any more and we are all so much happier. Sometimes assigning him a task is MORE stress. The other night when he had no bedtime tasks there were zero issue and it took no time. So consider what actual value he adds - and the answer may be that you do more at home but send him on morning errands (like we needed party plates and I should have had DH do that). His value might be in having time to assist, but not hands on at home.

[phdmomma]

No idea on the food, getting my kids to eat regularly is more of a challenge than it should be. We typically serve breakfast, and remind them to eat it if they want it. Sometimes they eat, other times they choose not to. I pack lunches the night before, I have to do them for DS (at school and this summer at camp) and at DD's daycare, so no breaks ever. I put everything in the fridge the night before, minus the ice packs, and regardless of wether it needs to go in the fridge. Like if DD is having soup, I will put the can in the fridge, and then just microwave it longer to put in her thermos bag. In terms of the bathroom....my kids tend to barge in regardless, so I use that to my advantage. DH can be in the shower while DD is pot-tying and DS is brushing his teeth. Everyone has their clothes on before heading downstairs. Then it's breakfast from 6:30am-7:00am, while they watch one show of whatever is on PBS kids. I fill lunch boxes, backpacks, and pack my stuff during that time. At 7:00am we are on the front porch and I am putting sunblock on them. During the school year, we walk to the bus stop for DS's 7:15am pickup, then I pop DD in the stroller and we walk the 5 blocks to daycare. With summer coming up (only one more week of school). DH will take DS there at 7:15am for before care, its a 15 minute drive, and then go back home to work (he works from home). And I will put DD in the stroller and walk her to daycare and then I will walk to work.

[mellym]

DD1 is a slow poke and sounds very similar. We've given up on breakfast because she either doesn't eat it or runs out of time and doesn't seem to care. We've resorted to having her grab a granola bar or a snack bag of cereal to eat while she waits for the bus. She'll probably eat in the car on the way to summer camp after school is out.

[freezorburn]

I feel your pain. Morning routine here is 2 steps forward, 3 steps back all them time, and I am not juggling nearly the same number of bodies as you are.

My only suggestion is more of a big picture one. Do you guys do a regular family meeting? I ask this because it sounds like you are working so hard to keep things running smoothly but you don't necessarily have the buy-in of other members of the family. And that has got to be emotionally exhausting for you.

If you think it would help, maybe you can adapt my format for your purposes: My family meeting came out of the Incredible Years seminar that I took shortly after getting DS's autism diagnosis. Each meeting starts off with sharing appreciations/celebrations of each other. I like that the meeting starts off with these, since they do not come naturally to me. I didn't grow up with much positive reinforcement but I know how powerful it can be, so this helps me to be mindful about offering positive reinforcement to others.

Then, to business: the purpose of meeting #1 was to establish house rules. Keep it simply stated, so really at most 2-3 rules, so we are able to focus on those things. >>>It's important that we come up with the rules Together, not just Mom saying how she wants things to happen.<<< In our case, we came up with 1. Calm Voices and 2. Gentle Hands. Because we were struggling with emotional regulation and destructive/aggressive behavior. If DS were old enough to read at the time, I would have written them on a big piece of paper and posted them prominently. And then we discussed strategies/tools for getting better at keeping our Voices Calm and keeping our Hands Gentle.

At some point I started including DS's dad in our meetings. We were mid-divorce, but I really needed to get him on the same page regarding the autism-related challenges. It was hard at first, especially offering him statements of gratitude when I was still very angry with him, but it has gotten easier over time and I think the meeting has contributed to de-escalating conflict between us. We meet about once a month, during a convenient transition time. I thank DS's dad for being a good co-parent, and then I can work on getting him on board with whatever behaviors or challenges we are currently facing. And we are able to give DS consistent positive reinforcement. And the "business" side of the meeting doesn't always have to be about challenges, either. This year we used the meeting to coordinate and plan DS's birthday party, and for the first time since 2015 I wasn't responsible for coming up with all the ideas and for getting all the details taken care of. Both DS and his dad had ideas to offer and an investment in making it happen. So I felt able to let go of a lot of the responsibility this year, and just enjoy, which was nice.

I'm thinking about instituting a weekly meeting, just DS and me. Even though it is just the two of us most of the time, sometimes the quality of our time gets eroded by chores. Or I struggle to get his attention just because. So maybe the format of the meeting would help our communication. If the meeting even lasts just 5-7 minutes I think it could be very effective.

[waverly]

I wrote out the morning steps in the routine and posted it in their rooms and the refrigerator. Put DD to bed earlier and picked out clothes.

I did lunches this morning, but it still felt chaotic because I had to shower and do dishes, so I might move that to night.

DH was gone which was a good and bad thing. He said he might be back to take them and of course wasn’t. I was smart enough to do the time math and figured out he wouldn’t be back so we didn’t have to have that discussion. I guess my thing is I dont make any plans because I am the default parent (I know we have talked about this term before) when it comes to drop off and pick up. Oh how I would like to just take myself to breakfast and not do anything in the morning. He can do a breakfast meeting with no pushback but if I schedule something it’s like oh I’m traveling/ going to the city/ have a phone call. My job is easier and pays less so I get it. It’s just super annoying!

freezorburn- I do have meetings with the kids. I like that phrase, and I have meetings with DH, but not with the whole family. Good idea.

[2chatter]

waverly - laughing over here as DH has literally said “I want to go to Starbucks” when I tell him I have a 7am meeting and since he’s here it would be awesome if he’d help. Slowly I think that is changing - consulting is the devil.