Planning weekends

[waverly]

I try to rest on the weekends, and not make a lot of plans. That being said we will have sports, and I try to plan 1 friend or family thing per weekend for socialization because otherwise I end up sitting around watching DH do house projects all weekend.

We will often have a day of no plans in the afternoon. And we run into problems. DH wants to skip lunch because he had a big breakfast and gets irritable if I ask him about it because he is too full (but the kids and I are hungry). And irritable if I ask about dinner because he doesn't want to plan ahead and is working on house projects/ work stuff/ car projects or gardening. 

It ultimately comes down to him being cranky when interrupted. I try not to interrupt him because I just don't want to deal with him being cranky, but when it is 7 pm and we still haven't eaten dinner, and he insists on cooking and still hasn't gone to the grocery store or insists on going out, but takes so long that now all the restaurants are full with a long wait- it becomes a problem.

I usually just do my own thing, but sometimes he complains that he wanted to do something but didn't tell me.  There is a lot of him thinking I am being demanding when I ask him questions- I try not to be, but that's his POV possibly coming from his mom who is super demanding and the difference in our personality/ communication styles.  And a lot of him thinking I should read his mind and assume things instead of asking when a lot of things just go right over my head. 

I think we work better if we have defined plans, but neither of us want to plan in that much detail a day that is more go with the flow.  Neither of us want to say at 11 am library followed by 12:15 shopping.  We want to say oh we might go to the library and shopping today.  And I am even reluctant to go into that much detail because then if plans change, I get the I thought you were going to the library, and I have to explain the 15 reasons why the kids were misbehaving, and we didn't end up going because he was stuck in the garage all day and was clueless about what was going on in our lives.

I don't even really know how to explain it, but I think some of you might have similar back and forth with the weekends.

Any communication tips?  Planning tips for me who just wants to have fun instead of sitting around waiting for someone but also time to rest, and my DH who just wants to do house projects uninterrupted while we all read his mind (which doesn't always work for me). 

ETA- the next 3 weekends we are out of the house which helps, but its will eventually come up again. 

[helenahhandbasket]

A lot of this sounds really familiar to me.

My H is low energy by nature, so sometimes honestly I do things with DD just her and I. DD is with her dad every other weekend, so our free time together is pretty limited/ precious. We try to have a structured day - maybe a shopping trip, a park/ beach outing, play date, or a birthday party etc as a family.

The second day, we do have breakfast together, but then I will take DD out alone for the day-- which includes getting manicures, then going out to lunch. That solves the problem of us being hungry mid afternoon (when H is not because he loves a big breakfast!) and also lets us feel like we aren't stuck in the house. She loves it too- we call it a "girl's day".

I try to communicate throughout the week so there aren't any surprises when the weekend rolls around, but we still struggle sometimes. You are not alone.

[waverly]

helenahhandbasket , thanks I like that idea. I have two kids though, so I either have to take them both or alternate on them. I do feel like other people have their leisure time all figured out, and it feels silly that we are still struggling with this.  So it is good to know that others struggle with it.  I mean I know logically, but good to hear their stories.

Dinner has always been a problem, but pre-kids we lived in a small apartment and had no house chores/ projects and did far more leisure stuff. So I guess its probably been an issue since we had kids.

[186momx]

Sounds familiar here too. I will ask after breakfast for dinner ideas and am told its to early to decide. I try after lunch and same answer. Then dinner times rolls around and he gripes because everything is frozen. But my DH refuses to pre-plan anything meals, activities, projects. This drives me crazy so DD and I schedule things and he just has to deal. His reason for not planning stuff is he doesn't want to get disappointed if it doesn't happen or something goes wrong (I think this stems from childhood so I tread lightly). MH also hates to be interrupted when he is working on a project so it is best for me to just run like he isn't there. I will say lunch/dinner is ready when DD and I are hungry and its his choice to stop and eat or not with us.

This weekend is patio/housework on Saturday. Sunday DH is paddling with friends all day, DD has a b-day party to attend and us girls are doing family dinner with my family to celebrate DD's b-day and father's day. Next weekend is DD's b-day kid party on Saturday, father's day is Sunday and I'm suggesting that he goes off and golfs.

Waverly I think for you the best thing would be to cover the basic needs and just forget your H. He thinks you are demanding/nagging by asking questions then just go with the kids and do XYZ and plan out ahead meals.

[mommyatty]

DH and I went through this in terms of eating. He’s like a food camel. He would be happy with one big meal a day and nothing else. I finally got really pissed off one day and informed him bluntly that just because HE wasn’t hungry didn’t mean he didn’t need to FEED OUR CHILDREN. Our kids become monsters when they need to eat, and they rarely say they are hungry for a meal. They just ask for milk and snacks, and doofus was just fine with loading their empty stomachs up on cookies. Then he sat around wondering why they were acting like monsters.

So now we have set breakfast plans (donuts on Saturdays, a nicer breakfast at a restaurant like IHOP or Cracker Barrel on Sundays). Lunch is generally at home. Dinners on Saturdays are out, between 4:30 and 5:30 so we mostly beat the crowds. Sunday dinner is decided when we meal plan Sunday morning. DH can choose to skip lunch if he wishes, but the kids and I will be fed.

In terms of activities, if there is something I want or need to do, I tell DH. Then I just do it. If I can take the kids with me, I do. And mostly he gets in line and comes with us. But if it’s something I need to do alone, I am very explicit about when this thing is going to happen and that he is on duty for it. Like, “I’m taking your mom shopping for clothes at noon on Sunday. It may take all afternoon. You are on duty. You good with that? Anything you need to accomplish now to get good with that?”

And just for the record, f a bunch of that noise on “your asking me questions gives me the right to act like a spoiled adolescent. Read my mind or I’m going to be an ass”. I would shut that down, with a marriage counselor if necessary. And for us it was necessary.

[phdmomma]

Honestly I just plan to feed myself and the kids, and make enough for DH if he happens to be hungry and wants to eat with us. He will eat a giant breakfast and go do projects and then not eat until dinner. The kids are little and also need snacks, he forgets that.

[twinmomma]

Jun 6, 2018 17:24:56 GMT -5 phdmomma said:

Honestly I just plan to feed myself and the kids, and make enough for DH if he happens to be hungry and wants to eat with us. He will eat a giant breakfast and go do projects and then not eat until dinner. The kids are little and also need snacks, he forgets that.

This. For meals, I plan it and then I cook it. I invite him to sit at the table with us when it's ready. His call, but he does know I won't be happy if he blows off family dinner time.
We don't eat out often as a family at all, maybe once every six weeks. So that's not really in play.
For other plans, we've had plenty of blow up fights about me planning too much or him planning too little. So now, we lay out the plan for the week. Free time we discuss that morning and then I just do it, even if it means solo with two kids. Now my kids ask where he is and guilt him for me.

[supertrooper1]

I'm trying a new approach this weekend and so far it seems to be working. I only get a weekend off once every 5 weeks, so it's important to me to have plans like a normal person.

I asked DH If he had any plans. He said school work and house projects. So I told him what I had planned; farmers market, visit my parents, then a work party on Saturday, and a birthday party for DS's classmate on Sunday. He can join us on any or all, but probably won't do any. I usually can't even get him to go out to eat.

As for food, I need my 3 meals per day, whereas DH is fine eating once a day. So I eat when I'm hungry and ask if he wants anything.

[xctsclrx]

Well my husband has a pretty good grasp on the kids needs. Especially when it comes to food and sleep. I think that comes from being a single dad. He had his boys every weekend when he and his ex first split. So he had a fairly good plan with feeding them and doing stuff with them. It has changed and adjusted with each addition to the family.

Now everyone is responsible for their own breakfast. He gets up on Saturday with DS so he makes breakfast for him. We usually have a big lunch on Saturday. Sometimes it is out to eat other times he grills. He is the "on" parent on Saturday. Then dinner is leftovers or fend for yourself. Except DS we usually give him a sandwich and fruit/veggies. Sunday I meal prep for the week and write it out so everyone knows. I will make either a big breakfast or a big lunch. If we have older boys I know that DH is leaving to take them home at 3 and he will eat on the road. I feed DS a lunch type dinner Sunday as well.

If we have chores/errands we have to do on the weekend we tell each other usually leading up to the weekend, and it is divide and conquer. DS has a nap schedule and a fairly solid eating schedule that can slightly be deviated from but not by much. DH and older boys hangout together and play video games during DS nap time. We have family time Saturday evening.

If DH has projects to do he incorporates older boys now that they can help.

I guess I am lucky that my DH wants to actively be involved in our family life.

[sdlaura]

We don’t do that much as a family outside the house on weekends. My DH is a homebody and needs to recover from the week. We are also constrained by the fact that the baby naps at 1 everyday - I kind of like that constraint though since it forces some at home relaxation.

We have a date night every other Friday which is nice to have pre-scheduled. Then on Saturday mornings DH gets to sleep in and I take the kids out. Usually gym and childcare and some errands. Sunday mornings DH gets up with the kids and I sleep in a little bit and then go to a workout class. Usually I come home and take the kids somewhere again so then he gets a break after having them in the morning.

Typically if we do a family activity it’s getting together with another family for a Saturday night dinner, or if it’s some occasion like Morhers Day we’ll all go somewhere like the zoo, but that’s pre-scheduled.

[mustardseed2007]

Jun 6, 2018 20:18:59 GMT -5 xctsclrx said:

Now everyone is responsible for their own breakfast. He gets up on Saturday with DS so he makes breakfast for him. We usually have a big lunch on Saturday. Sometimes it is out to eat other times he grills. He is the "on" parent on Saturday. Then dinner is leftovers or fend for yourself. Except DS we usually give him a sandwich and fruit/veggies. Sunday I meal prep for the week and write it out so everyone knows. I will make either a big breakfast or a big lunch. If we have older boys I know that DH is leaving to take them home at 3 and he will eat on the road. I feed DS a lunch type dinner Sunday as well.

You're my hero. I've tried to do that and I just cannot get behind it consistently. And yet it would make my life so much easier.

[rere]

I am a planner, he is not. Dh is on his own for breakfast and lunch. For dinner, I plan. If something pops up, we scrap the plan (I thaw most things out in the microwave ).

I make plans for activities, if he has a better ideathe day of, we may go with it, if not, I go with my plan.

He works 2 weekends a month, so I go with my routine. I ask for his input in advance and try to be somewhat flexible.

[waverly]

We talked about it last night which ended up in a fight especially when I suggested he talk to his therapist about it. But he seemed fine this morning so he might actually talk to his therapist I don’t know. I have told him hundreds of times but I said again that it bothers me when I ask a question and he gets cranky, and I had an example already this morning so we shall see.

Sat morning he takes the kids to breakfast so I guess that is my me time. But the rest of the times we don’t have a traditional schedule or routine. I hesitate to plan date nights since he can sometimes get testy on them relating to his depression.

Sometimes I can tell he is unhappy and a fight will happen maybe I need to force the fight so I can control the timing (not around the kids) instead of trying to avoid the fight. Because when I try to avoid it usually happens at the worst time at a restaurant when everyone is hangry.

The other thing I wasthinking in response to the family guy is that he thinks he is being a family guy. He thinks wow I just planted this beatlitiful garden for my family (and him because he likes doing it). Or wow I just cleaned the garage how awesome of me. He thinks because he isn’t out drinking with friends or golfing every weekend that he is spending time with family while he does house projects.

[xctsclrx]

Jun 7, 2018 7:03:47 GMT -5 mustardseed2007 said:

Jun 6, 2018 20:18:59 GMT -5 xctsclrx said:

Now everyone is responsible for their own breakfast. He gets up on Saturday with DS so he makes breakfast for him. We usually have a big lunch on Saturday. Sometimes it is out to eat other times he grills. He is the "on" parent on Saturday. Then dinner is leftovers or fend for yourself. Except DS we usually give him a sandwich and fruit/veggies. Sunday I meal prep for the week and write it out so everyone knows. I will make either a big breakfast or a big lunch. If we have older boys I know that DH is leaving to take them home at 3 and he will eat on the road. I feed DS a lunch type dinner Sunday as well.

You're my hero. I've tried to do that and I just cannot get behind it consistently. And yet it would make my life so much easier.

Don't be too impressed. Sometimes this meal plan says things like waffles for dinner, and I go through times where I fall off the wagon. It just hurts our budget when I do because then we order pizza or go out too often. 

[2chatter]

I have gotten to where I put everything on the google calendar and I make plans for the kids and I. I let DH know if he has to do something (like take DS to swim). I offer things so he is involved but he is often not ready to make a plan, whereas where I eat influences what I do next (at home, do nothing because I am already there; out, knock out errands around where we eat). I sat him down and explained to him how our family works. I told him he doesn’t have to choose in advance but I will, so that means his options with me become doing what I planned or going solo. It’s working. The exception is when he wants to putter and gets stuck with 1-2 kids who object and I am out with the other 1-2 kids.

I am also narrating my day and responsibilities - last night DH got in from a dinner at 9 and I had - since finishing work - grocery shopped for the week, taken the kids to the water park for a party and swam with them, showered DS, fed them both at different times, dropped DD for a golf lesson, put gas in the car, got DS froyo, read to DS, printed lyrics for DD’s audition today at summer school, timed thirty second segments with her, got the kids to bed, packed their bags and filled out student profiles for summer school, hand washed water bottles and groomed the dog after watering the garden. He walked in and said “must be nice to be home in the quiet doing nothing” when I had just sat down at 9 PM and I seriously almost lost it on him. This plays in to weekends because he either complains I am doing too much (why do you have to go to three grocery stores?) or says he does everything (delusional) and then complains that we don’t do things together (because he won’t make a decision, but he thinks it’s because I am too busy and don’t prioritize him). So front loading the discussion to tell him I am efficient so I get down time has been super important to change his perspective. The vacillation between neglected and put upon still happens some and it drives me bonkers. Hoping him being local will help.

[xctsclrx]

waverly, How old are your kids? He can definitely plant a garden with kids that are fairly young. He just has to understand that it might not be "perfect" DS is 3 and he will go weed with his dad. Not necessary well, but he tries.

I might be harsh with your DH, or maybe blunt is the correct word. Tell him doing stuff for the family is not doing stuff with the family. Unless he is engaging with you the wife and/or the kids then it isn't a family activity.

I think you should encourage him to teach the kids how to help him with household projects and then "rescue" him at the kids meal times. Offer him lunch and if he turns it down he is an adult he can make his own lunch when he gets hungry. Another way I might mitigate the dinner disaster is that I would tell him I am doing "abc" for dinner at "XXX" time unless you come up with a better idea before that. That way you have plan, but if he does want something specific he also has a timeline to make those changes.

I think the communication issue is your core issue though. Honestly, from what you have described I am not sure how you are able to handle it. Have you tried going to counseling for yourself? I can't imagine that having a spouse with depression is easy to deal with. It might help you figure out techniques to reach him.

[waverly]

I’ve gone to counseling but it was a long time ago. Kids are older now 5 and 7, so honestly that helps a lot because they do play outside with him and putter with him. It wasn’t always like that so this is a big improvement.

I do narrate my day sometimes maybe I should do it more often and I’ve responded to his must be nice with well you get to have fancy dinners out when traveling for work while I’m dealing with the whiny kids.

I guess i’ll try to be more upfront with my plans and maybe try to plan more activities to get me out of the house and more lunches out. I’ll error on the side of getting him a lunch and he can decide if he wants to eat it. I think my issue when I include him is now we have to wait 30-60 min for him to wrap up what he is doing. And nag him several times we are leaving ...

But at least I have several strategies now, so thank you guys!

[mommyatty]

waverly- I would really consider marriage counseling. I think especially since he’s in therapy it could help. Your marriage counselor could, with his permission, y’all to his counselor and help you both develop strategies to deal with his issues. And I know this sounds mean, but “depression” isn’t an excuse for acting like a jerk whenever you ask him a question. It’s him being a jerk with a super-handy excuse. (Courtesy of our counselor when dealing with my husband who was dealing with depression at the time and refused to see a therapist.)