NWP - found out cousin is cheating

[traveltheworld]

So while we were back in our home town over the weekend, we met up with DH's family and found out from SIL that DH's cousin is cheating on his wife. The wife who just gave birth to their first child 2 months ago. SIL found out because she is friends with said cousin's affair partner, who knows that the cousin is married and has a child but apparently doesn't care. It's been going on for a few weeks.

We also met up with DH's cousin, his wife and the new baby and the wife is obviously very stressed as the baby is not sleeping or eating well. DH is not close with his cousin. SIL doesn't want us to say anything (not even sure why she told us?) and obviously is not going to do anything herself.

What, if anything, can and should we do?

[xctsclrx]

Ugh. I would say that without physical proof you guys do nothing. You don't even have first hand knowledge. If you feel the need to do something it would be to encourage SIL to say something.

Also if mother is not sleeping or eating well I would discuss that directly with her. Only be PPD can be managed, but if left untreated can have devastating consequences.

[supertrooper1]

Stay out of it.

[waverly]

I hesitate to get involved in stuff like that unless I am extremely close to them and have firsthand knowledge. Especially telling someone 2 months post partum is terrible timing.

If the affair continues SIL may decide to do something or the truth might come out later.

[186momx]

Stay out of it.
Suggest cousin to see her doctor about ppd.

[traveltheworld]

Ok. We were/are going to stay out of it but I just feel so bad for the wife. I wish there is something we could do. She is a great person. I did have a long conversation with her just about ppd and my own struggles with it.

DH's cousin just sucks.

[erinshelley21]

What a shitbag.
Like others said, leave the affair alone. That will come out on it's own. That stuff just has a way of not staying hidden most of the time. There isn't anything you can do and honestly, now doesn't sound like a great time for the wife to have to deal with it. Not that there's ever a good time but she has enough on her plate at the moment.
But definitely do keep offering support for the PPD if you can.

[rere]

I agree with staying out of it. A lot of times these somehow backfire on the messenger.

However, I would be sooooo tempted to give him the "I SEE YOU" gesture from across the room just to freak him out.

[mommyatty]

I would tell cousin multiple people in the family know so it’s a matter of time before his wife does.

I’ve talked about this on here before. My husband did the same thing. It’s apparently extremely common for men to do this as they freak out about becoming fathers. It’s the single most horrible thing to happen to me in my life. And I will never forgive my husband for it. We are together for the sake of the kids. If we didn’t have kids, there is no way I would have stayed.

Although it’s better that I know, I’m glad literally no one in my real life knows. We couldn’t have gotten past it if someone else had told me. I was already humiliated enough. Hubs has said if he thought anyone would have known, he would have stopped. So the biggest effect you could have is to tell him that his affair partner is talking to people. It’s only a matter of time before it gets back to his wife. And how many judges are going to be sympathetic to a dude screwing around on his wife when she just gave birth to his baby. Not many.

[mustardseed2007]

mommyatty, hit on something here that I was thinking about but didn't know what to do about it. It'd be so devastating to know this...but then mortifying and infuriating to know that everyone else knows and no one said anything b/c they wanted to spare me....even though I think it is wise to not get involved.

I like the idea of telling the cousin that his affair partner is talking to people. If it stays between them, or even if it seems like it does, then she has a little more...autonomy in how she deals with it once she finds out.

Why do people suck so bad? That's so crazy. And I agree, I think it's so common that it's a cliche. He should feel stupid and ashamed of himself for being so sad and basic.

[helenahhandbasket]

I definitely would not say anything, which I think might be an unpopular opinion. Even with solid proof. You just never know what goes on behind closed doors.

If you say something, they split, and then they reconcile, you all will always be the people that “caused” the split.

[freezorburn]

There is never a good time or way in which to learn news of this sort. That said, I'm someone who values truth and honesty very highly, and having come out the other side of a similar situation, as shitty as the whole process was, I'm grateful that I'm no longer living in a house of lies. So, I'm offering this perspective from personal experience.

I imagine it's a tough position to be in, to have this kind of information. And being geographically removed as well as not so close to the cousin, it is understandable to wonder if it's your place to do anything with this or not.

I'm reasonably certain that no one on my XH's side knew of his affair before I did, given that we were living far from home and he had let many of his friendships atrophy during that time. He had become seriously detached from anyone who would have been a grounding influence. If anyone had known, I'm sure they would have struggled with the same dilemma. And at the very least, I wish someone would have said to XH to man up and do right by his family. And by that I mean, that if his wife is clearly overwhelmed with the new baby, then he needs to talking to her about what more he can do to help care for the child and support her during this time. Running around outside his marriage does nothing to help with the baby's sleeping and eating issues, and at 2 months I imagine the mother is still very much still recovering from childbirth. Getting his rocks off with his affair partner also does nothing to help this situation. (I'm reasonably certain I'm projecting how XH later complained how busy I was caring for DS, didn't have time or energy for him, when that would have been solved by XH being more engaged and involved as a parent -- but I also believe this happens so much it's a cliche)

Whether or not the affair ever comes to light -- it probably will, at some point, without your interference. Because the truth has a way of coming out. Very rarely does a cheater remove ones head from their own ass and try to fix their mistakes and live a clean life going forward, as if that mistake never happened. Because if it never comes to light, that means they got away with it. Which means they will think they can get away with it again.

In the aftermath of our separation and divorce, quite a few friends and family on XH's side have reached out to me with words of support and stayed in touch (geography continues to be an issue), even carved out time to see me when they are passing through town. And it means the world to me that they have offered support in whatever ways they can. It's not an easy line to walk, but I do think those friends and family have helped get him back to a place where he is prioritizing his obligations to DS (as much as he is able), which in turn has made co-parenting with him a lot easier, as time has passed. Too often, people lose their entire in-law family and friends when a marriage breaks up, and sadly when young children are involved, that's when people are most in need of support.

[traveltheworld]

mommyatty and freezorburn, I'm so sorry you had to go through that.

Thank you for your advice.

[freezorburn]

Sorry, I just had another unsavory thought about this. I'm gonna be blunt. The last thing this unsuspecting new mom needs is to be at risk for contracting an STI just bc her H is being a douchebag. That is all.

ETA -- sorry, that is probably not helpful at all. Probably best to refer back to others' advice of letting cousin know that people know and his affair partner is talking. And he should maybe think long and hard before doing any more damage to his family. Just me on my soapbox.

[waverly]

Ugh I didn't think immediately about the STD issue. In that case I would want to know I guess for health reasons, but still the person that is closest to him and her and has first hand knowledge should be the one that talks to him or her or both.

[traveltheworld]

Good point about the STD thing. It's not out of the realm of possibilities.

DH has decided that he is going to talk to his cousin, taking the approach that "hey your affair partner is telling everyone". Though they are not super close, said cousin has come to DH for advice on various big life decisions, so DH feels like maybe he can get through to him.

[waverly]

Jul 5, 2018 11:21:43 GMT -5 traveltheworld said:

Good point about the STD thing. It's not out of the realm of possibilities.

DH has decided that he is going to talk to his cousin, taking the approach that "hey your affair partner is telling everyone". Though they are not super close, said cousin has come to DH for advice on various big life decisions, so DH feels like maybe he can get through to him.

Update us because I am just wondering how conversations like that go... I’ve luckily never had to have that conversation.

[mustardseed2007]

+1 traveltheworld, I really really want to know the rest of this story.