Intro. TW: late term loss

[KellyEasterbrook]

Hi everyone. PDQ.. some personal info below that I might delete. I think I introduced myself on here a year and a half ago. About a year ago, and after tracking over 50 cycles, DH and I decided to stop trying (we were living in a very remote area, so no RE available... heck no doctor of any type within 250 miles). My endometriosis wasn’t giving me as much pain after a lap a few years ago, but we still hadn’t been successful getting pregnant.

Well, I unexpectedly became pregnant in January. DH luckily got a new job in a town with doctors and so we moved in early Spring. Unfortunately, The 20 week ultrasound went horribly. After multiple appointments with specialists at the Childrens Hospital and being told by half a dozen doctors that we had “no good options,” we reluctantly decided to end the pregnancy last month and make sure she didn’t have to suffer. It’s been an absolute nightmare and I’m not sure we will ever really recover from this.

I met with my OBGYN last week and he said we can try again as soon as I go through one cycle. He said the one positive from this was that we now know I can get pregnant and carry a baby. She was just extremely unlucky and ended up as that “1 in 10000” With a severely defective, incurable heart.

I wish we could wait a year or so to try again, but I’m 35, sooooo yeah. I’m just really sad. I miss my baby, I miss my friends where we used to live, I cant stand my post-pregnancy body, and I’m already dreading going back to tracking cycles and such.

[Mushe]

Hello and welcome. I am so, so sorry about the loss of your daughter. We have several board members who have experienced TFMR, and of course many like myself who have had losses as well. I completely understand that feeling of hating your body after a loss. I had multiple people ask me if I was pregnant in the weeks around one loss in particular. 💔

[pooh8402]

I am so sorry for your loss.

I'm also sorry that you found yourself here but welcome! This is a very supportive group of women.

[seeyalater52]

I’m so, so sorry for your loss, and sorry too that you’re feeling the biological clock pressure to try again so soon. I can’t imagine how hard that must be. Infertility and loss are a terrible club to be in but if we have to be here there’s no better place than this board.

[FishChicks]

I am so sorry for your loss. I've had two late losses and I know the pain is unbelievable. Between the physical reminders and the post-partum hormones, it's so hard to recover. You, your DH, and your daughter are in my thoughts.

I would have ignored anyone who said this to me, but being forced to take a break from TTC for several months after my second loss (at the age of 37) was such a good thing. Having time to get my physical and emotional health back in order, and most importantly, to remember that there is life outside TTC, was priceless for me. I didn't realize that until months after my loss. Ignore this if you need to, but know that giving yourself space to heal before TTC again is ok, and might even make TTC more successful.

[compassrose]

I’m so, so sorry. It’s such a shitty thing. I’ve never had a late term loss (multiple first tri losses), so I can only imagine how hard that is. I’m glad you are in a place with medical support, but losing your emotional support network through moving must be so hard. We are here for you, even if we aren’t in person.

[cherryvalance]

I'm so very sorry for your loss. I've only had first tri losses, but like the other women have said, we are very good at listening and are all happy to lend an ear whenever you need it. It sucks that you have to be here, but I'm glad you found your way here (If that makes sense).

[konapoppy]

I am so sorry for your loss. I TFMR at 17 weeks (there are a few of us here). If you want to chat, feel free to PM me. The baby center TFMR board is really helpful, too.

I am on the other side now after IVF, but nothing will ever fully take away the pain (physical and emotional) of going through it.

[gerder3]

I'm so sorry. That's such a tough choice. Be gentle with yourself.

[Jalapeñomel]

I’m so very sorry for your loss.

I hope you can find peace with whatever decision you make.

[loira]

I'm very sorry for the loss of your little girl. Like pps said, there are a few of us here who have gone through TFMR. This board is incredibly supportive, regardless of reason for loss. Please do not feel you need to justify your decision (to us or anyone else), but do feel free to PM me if you ever want to talk. I went through a TFMR at 24 weeks and it was a devastating experience that left me bereft and derailed several aspects of my life, including my career. I hated my post-baby-with-no-baby body. I am an incredibly private person IRL and I hated that my private grief was made so public by virtue of being so obviously pregnant when it happened. I missed my daughter and didn't think I could ever try again but finally decided to take the plunge. Our break lasted about 3 months, and honestly I wish we had waited a bit longer because I was still feeling very vulnerable and emotionally raw. Like konapoppy, I'm now on the other side, but the pain never goes away - over time it gets easier to bear though.

Also tagging HoneySpider who started a non-profit to help parents who experience pregnancy loss, including TFMR.

[HoneySpider]

KellyEasterbrook, I sent you a PM.

[shauni27]

oh god, I am so sorry you find yourself in this position. I had a somewhat similar experience and after doing our second IUI we were pregnant and then around 17 weeks we lost the baby. I did not think I would ever get over it, and now 3 years later, with a 1 year old son, I still cry about it. It is completely unfair and I am just so, so sorry for your heartwrenching loss.

[mrsgoontz]

First of all, I am so so very sorry for your loss but welcome and thank you for sharing your story. IF and loss are such devastating things in their own right and to deal with both of them is truly unfathomable.

I lost my daughter at 20+3 in August of 2016 after multiple IUIs and finally doing IVF. Like shauni27 said, I still cry about it pretty much weekly. The pain does not go away but you learn to live with the darkness that has entered your life. You just have a new "normal".

With that being said, this community is so wonderful and it helps to talk to those who have gone through similar experiences. Please feel free to reach out at any time.

[msmerymac]

I am so sorry for your loss. Like many others here, I've only experienced first trimester loss (2 around 6 weeks of development), so although I haven't been in your shoes, I absolutely sympathize. Welcome, and I hope you find comfort in this community of supportive women!

[icedcoffee]

I am so sorry to you and all the others who have shared their stories. This is a great group of women. Welcome!