Friend Dx with cancer (bad prognosis) TW

[helenahhandbasket]

Hi ladies

I have been crying on and off all morning.  A friend-- my legit best friend from middle school and early high school got a devastating diagnosis last week.  She has stage 3 pancreatic cancer.  She JUST gave birth 5 weeks ago to her 4th child- a thankfully healthy little boy.

I am devastated.  We were v v v close for a long time, but took different paths towards the end of our high school careers- she wound up getting pregnant at the end of senior year so her oldest is 19 and a freshman in college (we are 37/38).  We re-connected after her daughter was born and check in on each other periodically.

She eventually went back to school not too long ago for social work, but there have been a lot of bumps in the road- including the passing of her oldest's father, a divorce and relocating several times.  Aside from getting herself back into school, she also is recently engaged so it seemed like things were really looking up for her.

She sent me a message early this morning and aside from saying how sorry I am, and if there is anything I can do, I don't know what to say and I feel very helpless.  She is beginning chemo next week-- I know that affects everyone differently- is there anything universal that would be good to send?  She is in too much pain to return to work and school, so for now she is at home.  Her mom flew in to help with the newborn and the toddler, and her 13 YO daughter lives with her as well and can help out some. 

Sorry for the rambling.  I am at a loss.  I (thankfully) have no real experience with cancer, any anecdotes are helpful. 

[shakinros]

I’m so sorry. I don’t have any advice but wanted to send support

[covergirl82]

I am so sorry about your friend, helenahhandbasket . Maybe send a nice card with a gift card to a restaurant that delivers (depending on your budget)? Or some books / coloring books (or an Amazon gift card so she can pick out things she likes) to help pass time during chemo? I didn't realize how long chemo treatments can take until my aunt was Dx'd with cancer and started chemo. Or even a nice blanket she can take with her to chemo - my aunt generally gets cold during the treatments.

[2chatter]

@home has gorgeous chunky knit blankets right now - something beautiful and functional would be kind. Anything retro - what was her favorite candy in 8th grade along with her childhood most hated healthy food. Or custom matching tshirts- send a pic of you in yours and tell her you are there with her at treatment.

Sorry to hear this - I feel like there’s been a sudden deluge of medical stuff with friends/spouses. Aging sucks.

[phdmomma]

helenahhandbasket, that is awful. What about sometime, depending on your budget, that she wouldn't get for herself but would be amazing. Like a kindle and some amazon gift cards for books for it, or an ipad (not sure what your budget looks like), or something else to help her feel less burdened. Even diapers and formula for the baby and other everyday essentials I am sure would be appreciated. Or maybe some treats for the kids who I am sure are super scared.

[k3am]

First of all... have hope. I'm sitting next to my coworker who was diagnosed with Stage 4 colon cancer that had already moved onto the liver last year. And she is cancer free and it's basically amazing.

It doesn't work out so well for everyone, but doctors and science can do some amazing things.

[traveltheworld]

I'm sorry. I don't have any personal experience, but I'd think that your continue support through these hard times would mean a lot to her.

[teresa5]

I'm so sorry.

[rere]

So sorry. I definitely think some gift cards for restaurants or a general Visa card to buy what she needs would help. Anything to show you are thinking of her.

[helenahhandbasket]

Jul 16, 2018 12:26:52 GMT -5 2chatter said:

@home has gorgeous chunky knit blankets right now - something beautiful and functional would be kind. Anything retro - what was her favorite candy in 8th grade along with her childhood most hated healthy food. Or custom matching tshirts- send a pic of you in yours and tell her you are there with her at treatment.

Sorry to hear this - I feel like there’s been a sudden deluge of medical stuff with friends/spouses. Aging sucks.

This is such a great suggestion.  We were huge Ren and Stimpy fans

[helenahhandbasket]

Jul 16, 2018 12:38:04 GMT -5 k3am said:

First of all... have hope. I'm sitting next to my coworker who was diagnosed with Stage 4 colon cancer that had already moved onto the liver last year. And she is cancer free and it's basically amazing.

It doesn't work out so well for everyone, but doctors and science can do some amazing things.

Thank you for that.  I really appreciate the positive anecdotes, I have been spiraling on google.

[sweetptater]

I'm so sorry helenahhandbasket. That's terrible.

I love the restaurant gift card and the coloring book idea so that she has something to do during chemo. Does she like to read? A kindle gift card would be nice.

[welly01]

I'm so sorry. That is so sad. An alternative to the kindle might be a subscription to Audible.com?

[k3am]

Jul 16, 2018 13:39:40 GMT -5 helenahhandbasket said:

Jul 16, 2018 12:38:04 GMT -5 k3am said:

First of all... have hope. I'm sitting next to my coworker who was diagnosed with Stage 4 colon cancer that had already moved onto the liver last year. And she is cancer free and it's basically amazing.

It doesn't work out so well for everyone, but doctors and science can do some amazing things.

Thank you for that.  I really appreciate the positive anecdotes, I have been spiraling on google.

Don't google. You don't know all the details and might be borrowing problems that aren't even relevant.

[mommyatty]

One of my employees has pancreatic cancer. Chemo is rough, but he’s doing very well. He finished chemo in January and is back at work now on a different kind of low-dose chemo that is meant to just keep him as close to cancer-free as he can be while still giving him quality of life.

Here are some things he shared:
-food and drinks are weird. All kinds of stuff he couldn’t have with the big guns chemo. Like no caffeine. He started drinking warm water because the warmth was comforting. So food may be a great gift, but wait to see what she can and can’t tolerate with the chemo.
-pancreatic cancer treatment is way more art than science. It used to be an automatic death sentence, but now people are living for years. So since 12+ month survival is a fairly new phenomenon, they are figuring things out as they go along. So let her vent about the million changes to her treatment plan.
-chemo is long and exhausting. And it’s probably going to cause sleep disruptions, so if you can gift her something like Hulu, that’s probably going to come in handy. She may be too weak to hold a book to read but her mind will be alert and she will need to keep her brain occupied.

We are going on a year with my employee, and when he first told me, the news from his doc was very “get your affairs in order because you are about to die.” And he is sitting at his desk right now, looking pink and healthy and vibrant.

[twinmomma]

Piggy backing on mommyatty - if you do food, do a gift card to something like grocery delivery or take out to feed the kids, rather than a special treat for the one going through chemo. I think that would be more helpful.

[helenahhandbasket]

Jul 16, 2018 14:46:33 GMT -5 mommyatty said:

One of my employees has pancreatic cancer. Chemo is rough, but he’s doing very well. He finished chemo in January and is back at work now on a different kind of low-dose chemo that is meant to just keep him as close to cancer-free as he can be while still giving him quality of life.

Here are some things he shared:
-food and drinks are weird. All kinds of stuff he couldn’t have with the big guns chemo. Like no caffeine. He started drinking warm water because the warmth was comforting. So food may be a great gift, but wait to see what she can and can’t tolerate with the chemo.
-pancreatic cancer treatment is way more art than science. It used to be an automatic death sentence, but now people are living for years. So since 12+ month survival is a fairly new phenomenon, they are figuring things out as they go along. So let her vent about the million changes to her treatment plan.
-chemo is long and exhausting. And it’s probably going to cause sleep disruptions, so if you can gift her something like Hulu, that’s probably going to come in handy. She may be too weak to hold a book to read but her mind will be alert and she will need to keep her brain occupied.

We are going on a year with my employee, and when he first told me, the news from his doc was very “get your affairs in order because you are about to die.” And he is sitting at his desk right now, looking pink and healthy and vibrant.

this gave me chills and goosebumps.  Thank you so much for this.  

[HeartofCheese]

So sorry, helenahhandbasket. When my mom was going through chemo, she needed soft, warm hats. The more stylish, the better, but comfort ended up trumping all. I also found a beaded chemo bracelet on Etsy that allowed you to count the treatments with a charm. You could personalize the type of beads and charm. It was pretty special. There are also t-shirt campaigns you can do where you design the shirt and sell to friends and family. Half is for the shirt and half is for the family. My aunt did this for my mom and then had everyone take pics in their shirts and send them to my aunt. Then she made up a book for my mom.

Pretty much anything you do will be meaningful. Even the tiniest support goes a long way when you're going through that.

[campermom]

I’m sorry helenahhandbasket.

[judyblume14]

helenahhandbasket, I'm so sorry to hear about your friend's diagnosis. That's so devastating for her family, and for her friends like you.

When my mom was going through chemo, she was cold... all the time. So a cozy blanket to take to chemo, but also maybe a nice warm house robe? Also, he skin was so, so dry. So a fun and fancy chapstick, or a really luxurious hand/body creme?

I can't tell from your post, but are you local to your friend? Spend time with her. Offer to watch her kids while she goes through treatment. Drive her 13yo to activities?

[helenahhandbasket]

Jul 17, 2018 14:29:26 GMT -5 judyblume14 said:

helenahhandbasket , I'm so sorry to hear about your friend's diagnosis. That's so devastating for her family, and for her friends like you.

When my mom was going through chemo, she was cold... all the time. So a cozy blanket to take to chemo, but also maybe a nice warm house robe? Also, he skin was so, so dry. So a fun and fancy chapstick, or a really luxurious hand/body creme?

I can't tell from your post, but are you local to your friend? Spend time with her. Offer to watch her kids while she goes through treatment. Drive her 13yo to activities?

Thank you.  My mom also said a nice blanket would be nice so I am going to add that to the care package.  

No, unfortunately she is in the San Diego area.  I wish she was close to me.

[judyblume14]

helenahhandbasket, is there any way in the world that you could swing a visit to her in the near future? That would probably be the greatest gift of all.

[freezorburn]

So sorry. Friendships like this are precious, I hope you are able to to get some quality time with her soon.

[helenahhandbasket]

Jul 17, 2018 15:34:10 GMT -5 judyblume14 said:

helenahhandbasket , is there any way in the world that you could swing a visit to her in the near future? That would probably be the greatest gift of all.

I would go in a heartbeat.  

[dglvrk2]

Oh my! I'm so sorry!

I love all of these suggestions are great. I especially love the matching t-shirts.

My sister went through chemo and radiation treatments a few years ago - for brain cancer. It was a game changer for our entire family, to say the least. However, she's been cancer free since her radiation treatments and surgery.

Some things that helped me/her/us:
- a meal train for her family. You could offer to set one up online. One of my sister's neighbors did this for her.
- Many people may want to help her in upcoming weeks. However, she may not feel well enough to interact with people etc. My sister's neighbor, husband and I were gatekeepers, so to speak, for people who wanted to contact my sister while she was getting treatment. It was helpful for my sister.... sounds like you don't live close to your friend, but you could suggest she designate a few people for this.
- scarves and soft cotton caps
- gifts and experiences for her kids. If you or some other friends could arrange a few days, say, at Sea World or the San Diego Zoo or even some beach days, it will help the kids cope. May be someone take the 13 year old on a special back to school shopping trip. It always meant a lot to my sister to see her kids happy and enjoying things.
- above all be flexible. She will need someone to vent to. There were times my sister would call me and just cry...she needed someone on the other end of the phone. No words, just presence
- and no Googeling. It can cause a lot of unnecessary worry as well as false senses of security, but more pain than reassurance

Feel free to PM me if you want to chat more.

Big hugs! Your friend has a bumpy journey ahead, but, thanks to modern medicine, this may someday just be something that you both just reminise about when you get together.

[kimberlybb]

These are all great suggestions! I don't have anything else to add but am thinking about you and your friend. Cancer sucks.

[helenahhandbasket]

Thank you for all of the suggestions dglvrk2 , I am so sorry for what your family went through and so glad your sister is well!

I was able to connect with another friend that was in our little group (someone with whom I do not have regular contact with). We will be coordinating a care package for both our friend and for her younger boys with diapers/ wipes. We asked for our friend to send us the 13 Y O's school supply list- which is something silly/ easy to take care of from far away.

I am so affected by this, I have really been thinking about my own mortality so much these past few days. Life is just so short and so fragile.

Thank you all again for the comment and all of the positive stories.

[sandandsea]

I’m late but I’m so sorry. My SIL got an awful diagnosis about 8 months ago but is more than 100 days post transplant now and making an amazing miraculous recovery. We visited before chemo really got going and made 30 freezer meals for their family (2 adults 2 kids). We also sent a large lump sum of money to help pay for summer camps for the kids or extra care as needed since it was going to be a huge burden for them financially. We also sent care packages to the hospital while she was inpatient to take her mind off of it - interesting books and magazines, warm hats, fun Cozy scarf, adult coloring books, etc. If she will be inpatient, you could decorate her hospital room to make it more homey and less of a reminder of where she’s stuck.

I think definitely helping with the little things like school supplies and meals are amazing.

[akafred]

When my cousin’s child was in the hospital with cancer we sent gas cards and grocery cards. They live an hour from the hospital so I knew those 2 things would make the most impact. When my sFIL was dx with cancer he must have been gifted 2 dozen blankets and “prayer shawls.”

I’m so sorry. Prayers for her and her family (and friends).

[akafred]

OMG school supplies is a GREAT suggestion. That has to be the source of stress right now. I’m not even sure how I will get it done and I am healthy with one child.