Help me parent my teen DD

[justcheckingin73]

The short version is that my 14 yo DD just asked if she could ride bikes around the neighborhood with a boy that she likes. I told her OK as long as they were not alone in anyone’s house and I told her to make good decisions.

Ugh! I feel like I totally slacked on that response. I’m having a hard time finding the balance between being the overprotective mom and giving her some space. She’s a good kid, makes great grades, is an athlete but she’s quiet and doesn’t confide in me. If I knew where her head was, it would be a little easier but there’s always a part of me that is on edge - as it should be, I think. Any time I’ve ever snooped in her journal or messages, it’s always been very innocent but I’m not naive enough to think that won’t change eventually.

The boy is someone who she used to like in 6/7th grade but they stopped liking each other sometime before 8th grade (I’m not exactly sure what happened). They’ve been hanging out in a group of kids more and more and she told me that they like each other again.

Thoughts? Should I be tougher? She sprang this on me and I don’t always think well on my feet.

[erinshelley21]

I think you handled it fine. It sounds like she's a pretty responsible girl.

My parents had the approach of "we will trust you until you give us a reason not too" and I never wanted to screw up the freedom I had. Not having a curfew was nice and managed to be all but graduated from HS before I ever had sex. I married the guy and it's working out so I think I can say I made a decent decision at the very least lol.

With responsible teens, the more you give them the more they will give you in return. My friends with strict parents were the ones sneaking out, telling their parents they were staying with a friend but they were really 2 hours away visiting their college boyfriend. My less strict parents were the ones who always knew where their daughter was.

[sdlaura]

I agree that I think your response was totally reasonable. If you had said no, then next time she may very well have asked to ride bikes with a friend and then really went to hang out with a boy. I’m far from having a teenager, but I think it’s better to be more permissive (unless you have a good reason not to) and hopefully have them tell you the truth.

[justcheckingin73]

Thanks to you both. I think part of the reason I second guess myself is that DH plays that role of overprotective dad and says things like I’m going to be waiting for him with my gun (he hunts)...hahahahaha. It’s jokey but not jokey if you get what I mean. And it doesn’t help me at all. 

[xctsclrx]

I think that was fine.

At home make sure you are having an open dialogue about sex education. And how to listen to her instincts if things feel off. Teach her the warning signs of toxic relationships and hope while she is dating she remembers what you have taught her. use real examples if you have them to help as well. Those were what resonated with me the most as a teen

[shakinros]

I agree that you handled it well. You gotta trust teens to get anything back. My parents were hella strict and I lied to them aaaaaaall the time. I still struggle to stop lying to them about stupid stuff because it’s such an ingrained habit.

This is for your H: www.newyorker.com/humor/daily-shouts/if-you-ever-hurt-my-daughter-i-swear-to-god-ill-let-her-navigate-her-own-emotional-growth

[k3am]

I think you’re fine. Your set reasonable ground rules and have given her the trust she’s earned. What’s too lenient about that???

[mellym]

I don't have anything to add except to say that I think you handled it fine.

[mommyatty]

I love how you handled it. And it’s probably a good time to have the teen version of the good touches and bad touches talk.