TTMA anxiety induced misbehavior

[librarychica]

DD1 was just fine all summer but a few days into school and she’s an anxious, back-talking, unmannered mess. I am pretty sure it is all the change and her generalized school anxiety because, like I said, she was pretty well behaved all summer.

Any tips? Last night was a mess of yelling, my husband goes into authoritarian mode with the rudeness and I don’t think it is effective. OTOH, we cant just let her treat us with disrespect. She pushes and pushes until she ultimately starts sobbing and then wants comfort.

[erinshelley21]

How old is she?
She could be tired as well from starting back to school. My DS is on his 3rd day of school (which is only 3hrs) and has slept like a rock the last 2 nights. He was an overtired mess last night and cried for like 2 hours straight.

DS is only 4.5 but has the mouth and attitude of a 9 year old girl. We like 123 Magic for back talk and rudeness. It takes the emotion out of it on our side and somehow makes DH and I more patient when we use it.

[librarychica]

@erinshelley, she is 6 and in the first grade.

[mommyatty]

Could it be she needs more sleep? My kids need a lot. In fact, this morning we were discussing moving DS’s badtine back to 7:30 from 8:00 because the kid hates getting out of bed in the morning. When DD is over-tired, she gets sassy and then wants to be held and comforted while she gets her emotions under control.

It could certainly be anxiety. When DD starts being anxious, she exhibits more “traditional” signs: chewing her fingernails, telling us she’s not as smart as the other kids, getting clingy. So I’m no help on other reactions to anxiety.

[xctsclrx]

Sounds like she is adjusting to the change. She will push, you guys stand your ground. With DS he does the same thing. Tells us no, starts to whine and then when he gets in trouble tells us he wants a hug and wants to calm down. In our house it is manipulative behavior. He doesn't want to get in trouble and he is devastated when he does, but if we give in for the hugs immediately it makes the bad behavior last longer. We send him to his room to calm down and after about 10 minutes one of is will go up and see if he is ready to come out. Usually that is the end of it. When he moved classes it took about 2 weeks for him to adjust.

SS1 had the same issue when he would go back to school. It would take a couple of weeks for the behavior to fix itself. Most of it was that he was tired and that he is an introvert. School wore him out.

[justcheckingin73]

I’d say give it time. If she isn’t acting that way in the morning after she’s rested, then I wouldn’t go over the top on punishments or discipline when she acts up after school. I’d remind her that we don’t act that way/talk that way whatever and then move on. I’ve also interrupted my sons tantrum, if you want to call it that, by asking for a hug or asking if he wants to snuggle. Sometimes that works, sometimes it doesn’t. 

I feel like like there is a transition period that she needs to get through and will probably go back to her normal self so I don’t think its disrespect toward you but I also know how frustrating it is. 

[freezorburn]

Emotion coaching. Help her to describe what she is feeling using words. Then describe why she is feeling that way. Once she feels like she has been heard, you may be able to help her troubleshoot.

www.amazon.com/Raising-Emotionally-Intelligent-Child-Parenting/dp/0684838656
^This book gave me some great tools for dealing with DS's anxiety and tantrums. Highly recommend!

[waverly]

Would it help to give comfort earlier in the stage before it gets to sobbing? Do you recognize it before it gets to pushing?

A calm down in her room prior to that might be helpful. It can also be used at a later stage, but I think every strategy is less effective once the emotions get so high.

I would work on de-escalating and addressing her specific anxiety concerns perhaps rather than overall anxiety. Definitely can't treat you with disrespect. I would state the rules about that calmly with consequences. Something like 123 magic is helpful in this situation even more for the adult so they don't get upset and yell.

Also, like pp said give it time. 

[2chatter]

Back to school sucks.
DS6 and DD10 both are mouthy trainwrecks even with a 7:30 bedtime.

Upside - DH and I went a new place around the corner and got warm glazed donuts filled with ice cream after the kids went to bed. Parenting fail - I told oldest to watch the puppies but forgot to mention her siblings or that we were leaving. She wandered around looking for us, saw my car was gone and called me - which I missed because I was checking in on FB for a dessert discount.

It melted away the kid induced frustration.

[librarychica]

Aug 15, 2018 10:31:41 GMT -5 freezorburn said:

Emotion coaching. Help her to describe what she is feeling using words. Then describe why she is feeling that way. Once she feels like she has been heard, you may be able to help her troubleshoot.

www.amazon.com/Raising-Emotionally-Intelligent-Child-Parenting/dp/0684838656
^This book gave me some great tools for dealing with DS's anxiety and tantrums. Highly recommend!

Thanks. I’ll read this.

[librarychica]

She is fine in the morning. I’m trying to get her more physical activity and more sleep. She is def worked up — chewing her hair more, baby talking, chewing on her jewelry.

H isn’t home tonight or tomorrow so I’m focusing on staying calm no matter what. I think part of last night’s disaster wasn’t that H and I both lost our cool rather throughly and it was an overly-emotional tornado. Plus H rarely gets upset or yells and when he does it send DD to an 11.

[shakinros]

Looking forward to this experience myself in about three weeks when 6yo DD starts first grade. Let me know when it settles down so I know how long it has to be endured!

[waverly]

I’m actually glad school started because DD was nervous for months. The day before was the worst. Her heart was beating fast and she was clammy and didn’t want to get out of bed. No fever. It might have been physical but likely was nerves because she was fine yesterday. Yesterday was a tantrum because DH came in and started demanding chores done. Her tantrums is mostly being tired.

Maybe because she is the youngest and a girly but I find myself coddling her a bit more. But then again some is her emotive personality- i’m much more thrown into a therapist role and also kind of strangely because her hair is long and she most sleep like a crazy animal. I mean her sleeps looks normal to me but her hair is a rat nest. So she gets lots more hair related coddling than DS obviously.

[librarychica]

Aug 16, 2018 9:59:09 GMT -5 shakinros said:

Looking forward to this experience myself in about three weeks when 6yo DD starts first grade. Let me know when it settles down so I know how long it has to be endured!

She was actually pretty happy today, which would be a shockingly fast turnaround. Very proud that she found her class from beforecare on her own. It took her three solid months to adjust from babysitter to preschool and she never did get used to the dropoff loop (vs DD2 who practically jumps out the car) so a week would be amazing. Good luck to your first grader! It’s a whole new world, for sure.

[akafred]

It took me a really long time to recognize that *she* isn’t being disrespectful, anxiety is. And Anxiety is an asshole. I *try* to adopt the motto “be the thermostat, not the thermometer.” I ask myself, “What is most important *right now*? How can I help that happen?” Most of the time, fussing at my kid is not the most important thing. Helping her through her panic attack (because that is what that is akin to) is more important.

THE best resource for anxiety that I have found is the AT Parenting Survival podcast. In fact, if you listen to this week’s episode, you’ll hear her read my review. She is amazing. She also has a YouTube channel with videos about anxiety (and OCD) *for kids*. Charlotte enjoys them. She has asked for them twice this week alone! She also has a FaceBook group I get a lot out of too.

[2chatter]

I suck at searching - link to kids YouTube channel?

[akafred]

Hopefully this works:

m.youtube.com/channel/UCuoDSSCePQ6xkbi2FJNm9kA

Charlotte calls her the “Amygdala Lady” 😂

[2chatter]

akafred - yay, it worked! Just added videos to the calendar for tomorrow.