Breaking through @a new school

[mustardseed2007]

DS is absolutely loving his new school. Except he doesn’t have any friends. That’s his quote.

See I’ve been asking about his day, and he tells me about it enthusiastically. He loves pe, music, math, reading. Loves it.

I also ask him who he played with at aftercare and recess and he tells me no one. He just played by himself because he doesn’t know anyone. After telling me this for 4 school days in a row, he asked if we were going to send him back to his old school bc he doesn’t have any friends. I asked if he wanted to go and he said absolutely not. But he was worried bc we seemed unhappy about his lack of friends. I told him we would ask less.

First, I feel like im clearly messing this up. I’m giving him a complex without meaning to.
Second, I AM worried that he is playing with no one else. He’s the only new kid in his class. There aren’t that many kids in after care. And like...I dunno. I don’t know what to do other than stop asking.

[phdmomma]

I would give it some time. It’s only a few days in, I would worry after a few months or if he’s not happy. Kids are weird sometimes and like playing alone when they are somewhere new.

[mae0111]

I think that, given the age, the teachers could intervene here. They could gently guide DS into a group that’s doing something he likes. If that happened a few times, would he start joining himself?

My DDs are starting at a new school in a couple of weeks. The school had a little get together today, and at one point, DD2 felt left out. She couldn’t keep up with her sister and the other big kids. Parents and teachers were quick to introduce her to other groups of kids closer to her age and she calmed down. It’s possible that no one is intervening now because he’s quiet about it.

Would you consider raising it with his teachers?.

[mustardseed2007]

mae0111, I'm trying to decide if I should. His teacher is new to the school herself and she's very nice.

I'm also wondering about what phdmomma, is saying. It's what my sister basically said too. It's been 4 days, which isn't long. On the other hand...how long is too long? And also, since I told him I'd stop asking, I'm wondering if this is the moment to say something to her since I'm not going to know anything otherwise.

[campermom]

I'm going to say this with love. And I also can't remember your child's age.

Parents get REALLY wrapped up in the status of their children's friendships. So much so, that they are more interested in the status of the friendships than the kids are. I see this at grades PK, K, 1, especially. All the time. I kind of dread the classroom announcements bc all the parents start getting anxious.

They get very concerned about whether their child has enough friends in his/her class. Whether he/she will be comfortable with that? They frame questions like "who did you play with?" Instead of "what was your most favorite part of specials?" Or "what's the best part about recess?" Or "what's the coolest thing on the playground." Kids at that age really just run around with everyone.

Try framing it like that and see if there a more positive response. Don't ask for names.

[shakinros]

I had the same fear when DD was in K last year. New school, new social group, and the neighbor kid didn’t seem to want to play with DD at school.

She had a new bestie by the end of week 3 and by Halloween, and knew/was friendly with everyone in her class except like 2 of the boys.

Give it some more time. It’s too early in the year to be worried. I don’t think I’d even mention it to the teacher until he starts having a problem with his lack of friends.

[covergirl82]

My DD spent most of K not playing with anyone and feeling left out. She can be shy and doesn't feel confident asking to play if a group of kids is already playing (including her bestie from preschool). It seemed like quite a few girls in her K class already knew each other coming into K, which made DD feel left out. It was a rough year for her and it made me sad as her mom. I did ask the teacher to try and help DD with playing with other kids; it helped a little, but not a ton.

I actually requested that DD be placed in a 1st grade class with her best friend, and the principal honored the request, and 1st grade was so much better.

I would wait until he's been in school a month and then reassess.

[judyblume14]

mustardseed2007 , I don't know your son's age, but I know my kids are younger, so you can skip over my thoughts. Did your son seem to be bothered with the situation? Or was he happy playing alone? Especially since he asked you to stop bringing it up. You may have left pieces out, but it seem that the only thing he was worried about was the thought that YOU were bothered by him not playing with the other kids.

Of course kids need to be social and interact, and all of that good stuff. But like others have said, I'd give it a few weeks. It can be really overwhelming to go into place where everyone knows everyone... except you. When I joined a new (small) gym in my thirties, it was at least a month or two before I was ready to try to make friends.

[waverly]

It’s only been 4 days! I would stop asking personally.

We have a few parents really into their kids friendships. They have become almost manipulative about it as far as arranging them to do everything together and making requests all the time to do so. It’s a bit of a turnoff.

[mustardseed2007]

You guys are totally right. After sleeping on it, I’m just going to chill right now. It’s too early. He was not concerned about it, he was concerned that I was concerned. Which of course absolutely means I’m not handling this right.

And the whoever said is I was asking “who did you play with at recess” instead of what was your favorite part, is absolutely right. I’m gonna follow his lead on this and try reframing my questions too.

Thanks guys I get so anxious sometimes.

[erbear]

How old is he?

Regardless, I'd give him some time. It's been 4 days. He will settle in. If he's unhappy about it, then I would give him some suggestions on how to break into groups (you might have to role-play with him). If he's miserable, I would go to the teacher - we arrange friendships all the time, even in middle school and we're reasonably subtle about it .

If he's not unhappy (lots of kids are enjoying the social interaction in their classes and really want some alone time during downtimes - lunch, recess), leave him alone. It's not a commentary on your parenting not to have a super social kid and if he's happy, there's no need to do anything.

[2chatter]

So, I was contacted by a mom who has a neighbor whose son is new in DS’ class because he was alone all the time. I did two things

1) I gently suggested that the mom equip her son with some social tools - Ask to join in on the playground, introduce himself, bring his lunch so he could sit more quickly and make it to a table if boys (cafeteria has only two extra seats)
2) I asked DS about the boy then asked him to do two things - talk to him and get him a seat at lunch and ask him to play at recess.

It worked - they all play together/sit together now.

[mustardseed2007]

erbear, He's 6.

As a background, there's 10 kids in his class total. There are 4 boys including DS. So it's a pretty small environment and a very small environment of boys, in particular. Basically it should be too hard for him to figure out who to play with, KWIM?

One thing that I was worried about is that he has never just volunteers that he's unhappy. Especially if he's mildly unhappy or feeling awkward or left out. I have to pull major things out of him so if he sees it as awkward but not major he's not going to mention it naturally, which is why I was questioning him.

BUT I was really f'ing up questioning him obviously. He wasn't worried about it, and then he became worried about it for reasons really unrelated to being friends with the kids.

I mean, clearly I'm causing a problem here, not solving any damn thing. So I'm going to step back and breath and let him know how awesome he's doing. Cause as far as I can tell he really is doing awesome.

[waverly]

Aug 22, 2018 8:56:19 GMT -5 erbear said:

How old is he?

Regardless, I'd give him some time. It's been 4 days. He will settle in. If he's unhappy about it, then I would give him some suggestions on how to break into groups (you might have to role-play with him). If he's miserable, I would go to the teacher - we arrange friendships all the time, even in middle school and we're reasonably subtle about it .

If he's not unhappy (lots of kids are enjoying the social interaction in their classes and really want some alone time during downtimes - lunch, recess), leave him alone. It's not a commentary on your parenting not to have a super social kid and if he's happy, there's no need to do anything.

How do you subtly arrange friendships?

I think I am broken in this category. 

DS is 8, and is perfectly happy.  But I would like to see him have a closer friend.  There is one boy that they really like each other, but the mom makes little effort.  They had two playdates (one unplanned) since Feb, and I planned the Feb one. His other close friend now has a new friend, and the family is hard to get together with too.  He does have a new friend that started aftercare...

Honestly I wouldn't worry, but DH said he never really had friends as a kid, so I don't want it to happen to DS.  Although DH was probably technically more popular than me (football player), I had more close friends than him.  

[mustardseed2007]

Aug 22, 2018 9:33:33 GMT -5 waverly said:

Aug 22, 2018 8:56:19 GMT -5 erbear said:

How old is he?

Regardless, I'd give him some time. It's been 4 days. He will settle in. If he's unhappy about it, then I would give him some suggestions on how to break into groups (you might have to role-play with him). If he's miserable, I would go to the teacher - we arrange friendships all the time, even in middle school and we're reasonably subtle about it .

If he's not unhappy (lots of kids are enjoying the social interaction in their classes and really want some alone time during downtimes - lunch, recess), leave him alone. It's not a commentary on your parenting not to have a super social kid and if he's happy, there's no need to do anything.

How do you subtly arrange friendships?

I think I am broken in this category. 

DS is 8, and is perfectly happy.  But I would like to see him have a closer friend.  There is one boy that they really like each other, but the mom makes little effort.  They had two playdates (one unplanned) since Feb, and I planned the Feb one. His other close friend now has a new friend, and the family is hard to get together with too.  He does have a new friend that started aftercare...

Honestly I wouldn't worry, but DH said he never really had friends as a kid, so I don't want it to happen to DS.  Although DH was probably technically more popular than me (football player), I had more close friends than him.  

Isn't that a crazy thing. It's amazing to me that now, as an adult, the people I'm still close to are not always the people that high school me would have thought I'd be close to. 
Like your DH was a popular football player but didn't have any real friends. That's the fate of so many of my friends in high school. They weren't real friends. My real friends are the people that have gone the long haul.

But for me personally I guess that's a function of high school me not understanding what is truly important in life, lol. 

Totally off topic for first grade though. 

[waverly]

mustardseed2007 , I was a rebel and not much of a social climber. I just couldn't handle the rules or whatever. I always had close friends from age 6- see made it first grade relevant. I am an introvert, so close friends were always my thing all the way through high school, and a little bit in college.

I was actually probably too close to people, and I missed out on those extrovert skills. Then when we all grew up and my close friends moved away, I wasn't sure really how to make friends again, and now none of them are nearly as close. But I attribute a lot of that to us all having small children and different types of friendships as adults too though. I had to really re-define a lot of things. I am hoping to strike more of a middle ground with DS. Less intense friendships perhaps than I had (every weekend), but hanging out more with other kids than DH (almost never the way he talks).

[186momx]

I'm coming from this on the other end. K was really hard for DD and she hated going enough that the principle went over DD's teachers head and she started meeting with the counselor. Fast forward to the start of 1st and the 2nd week they did a friendship unit. Things like what makes a good friend vs bad friend and then they had to write down who was their friend in class and turn it in. DD left the page blank because she had no friends at school in her class. The teacher got really worried and DD came home in tears and told me I had to help her write all her friends names down and where they went to school. DD still doesn't have good friends from school but she does have them from other areas of her life. I had to go in and talk with Mrs. J and ask for them to drop the whole DD needed friends and pointed out how social she is outside of school. Mrs. J agreed and said she would switch up seats over the next few weeks and see if maybe she could organically find a couple friends for DD. Turns out DD made friends with a few boys which wasn't who Mrs. J was trying to set her up with it but it worked out great. My take is don't push it as long as he has buds outside of school.

I would ask questions like so what did you do in PE, who do you sit next to in music, who did you eat lunch with & what did they have for lunch.

[erbear]

waverly - I can put kids in a group together for a project, I can arrange for certain kids to do something (Same community service group, etc.) so they are spending time together with a third thing they have to do. This generally leads to conversations that sometimes lead to friendship. I've asked kids I have a good relationship with to include kids who are on the outs at lunch and recess. I've talked to parents of kids with whom I have a good relationship about including kids on weekend activities. It's not a perfect system but it has worked often.

[campermom]

mustardseed2007 you are being too hard on yourself! You are an awesome momma who loves her son and wants him to be happy.

[HeartofCheese]

My DS was having trouble making friends b/c he was a bit of a troublemaker. So then he made friends with the troublemakers, but was telling me that he didn't even like the troublemakers. He turned it around after that all on his own and became a bit of a leader among the kids. He even got in trouble rallying the kids a few times and I'm honestly not sure whether to be proud of my son's potential as a future cult leader or not...

Point being, I think your LO just needs a little more time to figure it out. These lessons they learn now are so important and stick for life, so it's best to let them problem-solve.

[hocus2]

Friendships can be slow to form at school. They are working hard most of the day. My son doesn't have a best friend and he's gone to the same school for 2 years. It just seems to be hard for kids to really click. Even my very sunny easy going 4th grader doesn't have a huge number of friends.