How much should I believe my kid?

[traveltheworld]

DS is 6, and for the past week or so, has told us that there's this one boy from another grade 1 class that's always "fighting" with him. The stories have ranged from this boy hitting/kicking him to this boy ganging up with another kid against DS and his friend.

DS is very verbal but seems incapable of conveying accurate information when it comes to school. Examples include telling us that all kids are on the same reading level, that there are 5 recesses, to a bunch of little things. There was one day where he claimed that his boy kicked him really hard, and because there was a bruise, we asked a lot more probing questions; and as it turned out, the kid just accidentally kicked him during soccer.

I don't know what to do. I feel like if I keep asking questions, it may make it a bigger thing than it needs to be. But at the same time, if it's true, I don't want it to continue. FWIW, DS doesn't seem particularly bothered by it - just casually mentions it in passing. He still loves going to school and claims he has lots of friends.

[sandandsea]

I’m right there with you. Ds is 6 and I hear the exact same stories. I generally brush incidents like that off and say “well if it happens again what should you do?”and talk about say no, run away, tell an adult. We also add don’t fight them and be kind to them but don’t let them hurt you because we know Ds and wouldn’t put it past him to clock them in the face. Kids are hard.

[traveltheworld]

So far we've told him that if a kid hits/kicks you, loudly tell him/her no, you don't like it and walk away. It the other kid comes after you, give a warning that you will hit back, and then if the kid hits again, then hit back. On one hand, DS is physically gentle and we genuinely believe that he would never initiate any physical altercations, but on the other hand, he can be loud and obnoxious and we don't know how much of this is him verbally ptovoking/annoying the other kid, if the stories are even true in the first place. Like today, he mentioned that he and his friend got into a fight with this other kid and his friend after they hit him and one of them got a warning from the teacher. But then he also told a story of how everyone from his old kindergarten class got in a line to fight all the kids from the other kindergarten class, which we are pretty sure is untrue.

[akafred]

I think I would go to the teacher and up front acknowledge that the stories you get from DS are often incomplete or lack context (boy do I understand that!!!), so you just wanted to check in and make sure there is nothing you need to get involved in. If she seems bewildered, ASD rhat they often center around Kid B, and you just need to know if there are any school lessons around social communication that you need to reinforce at home. She won’t be able to say, “Oh yeah, Kid B has _____”, but she can probably find a way to communicate if there are any problems and whether they originate with DS or Kid B, and maybe a hint how to handle it at home.

DD is 9 and I am just starting to get glimpses that she is “getting it” a little more. I honestly think that as a consequence of her particular brand of special needs, she walks through life unable to see how her actions affect others (not *completely*, but at least somewhat) and thus the universe must seem just out to get her all the time. La la la BAM someone just punished me for no reason. La la la BOOM another kid just called me names. She reacts to the Bam and the Boom but doesn’t see what she did wrong in the “la la la” phase. It’s very hard to handle as a parent!

[shakinros]

My 6yo is also telling us lots of apparently made up things about school. I think it’s a developmental thing at this age. Def not my favorite!

[xctsclrx]

I would probably let it go until it starts affecting his behavior or unless he wants you to get involved. (Me as a parent to a 3 year old so feel free to disregard.) remind him that he can always come to you or a teacher if he feels unsafe. Role play situations if he talks to you about anything.

[waverly]

I call it unreliable narrator.

I think it’s kid specific. DS has been pretty spot on since age 5, so I do tend to believe him even when the information is incomplete. I definitely have gone to the teacher and said he said something that I don’t completely understand and asked about it. And it turned out to be true only the timing was off. But also it was good because the teacher was on the look out, and it did happen again.

[mae0111]

With both of my kids, I have found that they go into incredible detail when something is true. “My teacher yelled at me” “Why?” “Because she’s mean” - that gets very little attention from me.

But when DD1 cited a page, paragraph, and word that started an altercation with her horrible teacher, I totally believed her.

The nebulous “mean” stuff with other kids is hard. But again, I found that when DD1 has intricate details of exactly what happened when a kid chucked a basketball at her head and hit her (where he was, where she was, what they were both doing, what led to the ball being thrown, what happened after, who else saw it), I believed her and went Mama Bear on the principal. But “Frenemy was mean” was usually quelled with me saying “then stay away from her”.

[k3am]

I tend to believe 0-100% of what my kid says, depending on the day and the story. But I also have no problem following up with the teacher - "have you noticed DD having issues with any of the students? Is there anything we should be aware of or working on at home?"

[justcheckingin73]

I would mention it to the teacher in a very casual way, citing the fact that he doesn’t always tell you the whole story or how you find out something different later. My dd was always pretty good at specific details (even though to this day I mentally second guess her) but ds is not and so it often takes days to pull things out of him. 

[mommyatty]

Kids this age also just play rough and are imaginative. DD at dinner last night told me that she had told a boy to chase her bc she didn’t want to see her friend “O” “get thrown against the wall”. W the F? Turns out the boy likes to pretend he’s the police, he chases down a subject, then pretends to put them in jail, which is against the climbing wall. So “get thrown in jail” is now “ gets thrown against the wall.” He’s not physically throwing anyone anywhere, they are just messing up an idiom.

So “fighting” may just mean he and his friend were really mad or excited and though there was no physical altercation, he doesn’t have the vocabulary to describe bickering with other kids.

I would leave it alone if he doesn’t seem upset. DD seemed completely flummoxed as to why we didn’t think it was okay to let her friend “throw her against the wall” when they were playing.

[erinshelley21]

My DS is starting to become unreliable when it comes to the events of the day. He's become very imaginative. Best example being a few weeks ago he had very clearly been stung by a bee on his forehead, which caused his eye to swell. I was trying to figure out when it happened to determine if I needed to be worried about an allergic reaction next time. He said it happened at recess and there were 2 bees that flew into the playground. The bees were wearing name tags with the name of the person they were supposed to sting. He didn't tell the teacher because they all got stung by the second bee and he was stung by the first.

It didn't even happen at school. 3 hours later after I explained when it is important to tell the truth (like when it pertains to his health and safety and others) and sending him to his room for his ridiculous but also funny story, he finally said it happened when we were outside at my brothers. Which I had assumed since I didn't notice the huge bump on his head/eye and neither did MIL.