Donor Eggs

[pickel]

We had our consultation with a clinic in Chicago yesterday and it looks like we are going to be opting for donor eggs.  Although there is a chance we could do IVF with my eggs, its not a great likelihood of success and due to financial considerations (and if I'm being honest, mental and emotional exhaustion from this process), we want to get the best chance of success for our buck.  I know there are some others who have done DE here and I was wondering if you might share your experience, whether you did fresh or frozen, what you were glad you did, what you wish you would have done differently, etc.  Thank you!

[thoseareradishes]

We used donor eggs and went though out clinic's third party reproduction (TPR) group. We decided on fresh eggs because we just felt like we'd have a better chance with them, rather than a lot of 6-8 frozen eggs. My clinic has a pool of donors that they pre-screen. At the time, we were put on a waiting list after we did a consult, met with a counselor, and filled out a questionnaire with our must have and wishes for a donor. Then every month the TPR team met and matched donors with recipients. It took about 3 or 4 months for us to get to the top of the list, and we matched but we asked to be re-matched because the donor was a carrier for cystic fibrosis. We were re-matched the next month, and she cycled soon after and we did a FET a few months later.

We received an extensive medical history from our donor, and were able to see baby pictures and adult pics. I liked how my clinic did the matching because it took a lot of stress off of us, having to wade through donor profiles and try to get the one we liked before someone else did.

I don't think there is anything I'd change. It was a pretty smooth process for us. I do worry about how my daughter will feel about it as she gets older. H and I have argued a little about when/if to tell her, but I've been pretty adamant that she know.

[woowoo]

thoseareradishes, may I ask if you shared with family and friends or are you waiting to tell your daughter one day first?

[shoeless]

We did frozen. Our reasons for doing frozen are mainly the ones touted: immediate availability, at the time- only wanted one child, guaranteed high quality embryos, cheaper than fresh. We had 7 eggs and ended up with 3 embryos. The second embryo resulted in my daughter. In the end we decided we wanted a second child. We did frozen eggs again and this time ended up with 4 HQE. Hindsight being 20-20 it would have been nice to have both children from the same donor, so a fresh cycle would have possibly allowed this (and been about the same price as going through 2 frozen donors).

[discobiscuit]

We did fresh. Our small clinic had their own donor program. It was nice because once we decided that it was time to move to donor eggs, the process was fairly fast. The downside was that it was probably a much smaller pool of donors to choose from. Like thoseareradishes, we had a list of things that we wanted in a donor and we had access to medical history and lots of photos but we chose her ourselves. Once we made that decision, our clinic coordinated her schedule and mine. She cycled, had her retrieval, and 5 days later, I came in for the transfer.

I had a lot of conflicting feelings about it initially. I was so afraid they wouldn't feel like 'mine' or that I'd have trouble feeling connected. My whole life, I've always heard how much I look like my mother. And I had this sinking feeling when I realized I might never hear that when it came to my children. In hindsight, that seems like such a small thing, I just wanted to share that because I have found it's those small things that sometimes weigh on you.

All that to say, I have absolutely zero regrets. We had tried IUI, 2 IVF cycles, multiple FETs, and nothing worked. My donor cycle was successful first round and I have the most beautiful twin girls to show for it. And, funnily enough, we often hear arguments about who the girls look like more, myself or H and we used both egg and sperm donors. We've also wondered how and when to tell them and I don't think we've decided that yet. What I can say is that there are very few people that know our situation. It was incredibly important to us that we be the ones to have that conversation when the time came. We didn't want anyone else to share that, even accidentally. And I definitely don't want them finding out in high school Biology a la Made in America. Does anyone else remember that movie?

[thoseareradishes]

woowoo, all of our friends and family know. I've actually said things to her a few times, just to practice I guess since she's only 1. Like, I've told her about bird eggs and how ladies have eggs but mine were no good so a nice lady gave us an egg and I grew you in my belly.

discobiscuit, I've had a bit of a hard time with the fact that E looks nothing like me, but very much like my husband. Family points it out a lot and it stings a little. Strangers have also said things a couple of times. Sometimes questions come up too that I'm not sure how to answer - before E's skull surgery, a nurse called to get some info and asked if she was my biological child. I was like, uhhhh, well, I birthed her...I didn't know that the nurse was getting at, I guess was I legally her mom.

I did read up on epigenetics before I had her and that helped a lot. It's the study of how your phenotype is affected but not by changes to your DNA. Basically, we think of our DNA as naked (the double helix), but in reality there are proteins stuck all over it that alters how the DNA is expressed. This can happen in utero, and it made me feel like I was more than just an incubator for E.

[pickel]

Thank you so much for responding! I was leaning more towards fresh, but I'm afraid we'll be the ones that have like 8 frozen embryos that we don't intend to use and I would have a hard time with that. On the other hand, I'm afraid if we go frozen that we'll have none to work with and spend all of that money for nothing. H has said one cycle and he's done. It's a tough choice.

shoeless, I really appreciate your perspective with regard to frozen vs fresh.

thoseareradishes, I have thought a lot about how different this child will likely look than my DS (he favors my side of the family quite a bit) and it was a struggle, and sometimes still is, to think that they'll never look alike. But, as my mom pointed out, lots of siblings look nothing alike, and for a long time, I looked nothing like either of my parents. I would be so sad if my family pointed it out about this baby though! I really like your explanation with the eggs, that is a great way to convey the information.

discobiscuit, I know that I will start telling early, but I have no idea what the right age is or really how to start the conversation. I am part of a FB group of DE/DS conceived adult children and DE/DS recipients and the thing I have picked up on is the donor conceived children just want their parent to be honest. Back in the 80's and 90's, I guess using a donor was to be a tightly held secret but with the online DNA, people are finding out they have different parents and siblings out there and are having those tough conversations now, as grown adults.

I have read other stories about how donors go fast and I thought they were one-offs, but I just heard back from the clinic about my first choice and she's already had one cycle to freeze and she got 24 eggs (has one frozen lot of 6 left) and she's now cycling with another couple. So, she may not even be up for another cycle, but they're going to find out. I am having all kinds of weird emotions. LOL