Week of 10/8

[seeyalater52]

Happy long weekend to those who had one. What’s new? Is anyone still left over here?

[seeyalater52]

TW: loss, other people’s pregnancy/babies

I’m having a really hard time this week. In a week’s time my frustrating coworker returned from maternity leave and our office is now non-stop baby talk, my amazing boss let me know she is leaving for another job, and my younger sister announced she is pregnant. It’s too much for me to process all at once. Basically it feels like everything is unstable.

I’m especially in a rough place about my sister. Things have been really hard between us since she started TTC a few months ago and got all dramatic one month after stopping birth control about how she was going to have infertility and have to do IVF like us. My parents are over the moon about their first grandchild and all I can think about is that I was supposed to be the one having a baby this spring. Except my baby is gone and now even if I do get pregnant again all of these milestones will have to be shared with her. And worst of all I’m scared that was our only chance and I won’t ever get to have a baby and this niece or nephew will be just another sad reminder of what we couldn’t have. Every subsequent failed transfer and setback is now going to be measured in the months or years that will separate our children in age.

It just feels like a lot of extra pressure and dealing with everyone’s excitement right around the holidays makes me just want to hibernate forever.

Sorry for the novel. I’m starting OPKs tomorrow trying to get a sense of when I’m ovulating so I can better predict my next cycle start for our upcoming FET.

[woowoo]

seeyalater52,I'm sorry. Just take time to let yourself be sad when you need to, there is no time limit on grief.

[icedcoffee]

I'm still here!

I am so sorry seeyalater52. I can commiserate. I also thought I'd be having the first grandchild until my SIL announced the day I started IVF injections 2 years ago. I won't lie, sometimes it still stings as my nephew hits milestones first. I have no advice, just hugs and reassurance that everything you're feeling is normal.

Today is day 6 of injections. Had some monitoring today. They like to point out my cyst every time I go. Haha. Things look ok so far though. The side with the cyst is definitely not getting as many follicles as the other, but I think that's ok. I have to keep reminding myself that I don't WANT as many follicles as I got 2 years ago (we got 33 and not only did I feel like shit, but we had huge attrition so I want fewer better ones this time).

[megstoo]

I'm so sorry seeyalater52,  infertility is the biggest clusterfuck ever.  


2WW over here, I tested today and another BFN, I'm supposed to go for beta on Friday and I'm on progesterone inserts so I'm not sure when to stop. I don't want my period on vacation (we leave Oct 17) - see my other post, HALP!!!!

Looks like we are heading to IVF but that has to wait until the start of the year because I'll need the tax refund which will be enough to cover 1 full cycle plus the meds.

[stellelinds25]

@seeyoulater52 I’m sorry...it’s a lot to deal with at once. This process sucks big time ((hugs))

I’m still here. Still waiting for my period...it’s been 2.5 weeks since I stopped stims, so I’m hoping in the next week or so she’ll show her face. I’m tired of this waiting game.

[seeyalater52]

Thank you all for making me feel more normal. I hate the jealousy/rage/sadness rollercoaster feelings that come with IF. I'm so ready for this to be over and it feels like things just keep getting harder and harder in new and different ways.

icedcoffee, glad the cyst isn't giving you too much trouble! How are you feeling on day 6? I feel like that is when I started to feel like total shit. I hope you're hanging in!

megstoo I'm sorry about the negative. If this cycle doesn't work out for you I hope you can enjoy a wonderful vacation!

stellelinds25, so frustrating you haven't gotten your cycle yet after stopping stims. I'm also in waiting limbo and it's just so hard to handle, it feels like time is passing backwards sometimes.

[icedcoffee]

seeyalater52, Better than I did on days 1-5. LOL I've been fighting a cold, but that seems to be getting better so today is actually an improvement! I hope it stays that way. After my last egg retrieval I couldn't even walk without hunching over for 3 days so I'm hoping that doesn't happen this time. Ha.

[pickel]

seeyalater52, I am so sorry you are going through all of this, plus having to deal with your sister's pregnancy AND being the first grandchild AND baby talk at work. Its so hard and feels so unfair.
megstoo, I'm sorry about your negative. :-(

We are for sure moving forward with donor eggs and I am really excited. We have our top 2 donors picked out and are just waiting on more information about their previous cycles before we make a final decision. I have to wait until January to start the cycle though and that feels a lifetime away.

[fairfax]

Oct 8, 2018 22:03:21 GMT -5 seeyalater52 said:

TW: loss, other people’s pregnancy/babies

I’m having a really hard time this week. In a week’s time my frustrating coworker returned from maternity leave and our office is now non-stop baby talk, my amazing boss let me know she is leaving for another job, and my younger sister announced she is pregnant. It’s too much for me to process all at once. Basically it feels like everything is unstable.

I’m especially in a rough place about my sister. Things have been really hard between us since she started TTC a few months ago and got all dramatic one month after stopping birth control about how she was going to have infertility and have to do IVF like us. My parents are over the moon about their first grandchild and all I can think about is that I was supposed to be the one having a baby this spring. Except my baby is gone and now even if I do get pregnant again all of these milestones will have to be shared with her. And worst of all I’m scared that was our only chance and I won’t ever get to have a baby and this niece or nephew will be just another sad reminder of what we couldn’t have. Every subsequent failed transfer and setback is now going to be measured in the months or years that will separate our children in age.

It just feels like a lot of extra pressure and dealing with everyone’s excitement right around the holidays makes me just want to hibernate forever.

Sorry for the novel. I’m starting OPKs tomorrow trying to get a sense of when I’m ovulating so I can better predict my next cycle start for our upcoming FET.

I hear you and I’m sorry. My SIL had a baby 4 months ago. Her baby shower was full of comments about FIL “finally” going to be a grandfather. DH and I always thought we’d have the first, but both my brother and SIL have had babies while we’re dealing with IF. It’s very difficult and I’m really dreading spending time with the in-laws for Thanksgiving. Especially when I think that, had I not miscarried, we’d be planning a 1st birthday party soon.

I hope it gets better soon, for both of us!

[rikiteacup]

seeyalater52 I am so sorry. Even though I just started this journey, anything baby related is bothering me BIG time.

H is going to make an appointment with a urologist to understand his low count better. He is supposed to talk about it with his PCP this afternoon. We figured we'd go through the urologist 1st as the exams are more likely to be covered by his insurance vs. a fertility clinic. By the way, how do they bill at Fertility clinics? Because as a woman, it looks like I'll be getting the most tests and drugs to do an IVF.
I received a (rare) text from my MIL yesterday asking about a baby shower for H's cousin's wife. I don't really want to go especially since there will be a lot of newborns and pregnant ladies there. But, on the other hand, I know the mom-to-be struggled for years with IF so this baby should be celebrated. Ugh.

[seeyalater52]

Oct 9, 2018 11:53:00 GMT -5 fairfax said:

Oct 8, 2018 22:03:21 GMT -5 seeyalater52 said:

TW: loss, other people’s pregnancy/babies

I’m having a really hard time this week. In a week’s time my frustrating coworker returned from maternity leave and our office is now non-stop baby talk, my amazing boss let me know she is leaving for another job, and my younger sister announced she is pregnant. It’s too much for me to process all at once. Basically it feels like everything is unstable.

I’m especially in a rough place about my sister. Things have been really hard between us since she started TTC a few months ago and got all dramatic one month after stopping birth control about how she was going to have infertility and have to do IVF like us. My parents are over the moon about their first grandchild and all I can think about is that I was supposed to be the one having a baby this spring. Except my baby is gone and now even if I do get pregnant again all of these milestones will have to be shared with her. And worst of all I’m scared that was our only chance and I won’t ever get to have a baby and this niece or nephew will be just another sad reminder of what we couldn’t have. Every subsequent failed transfer and setback is now going to be measured in the months or years that will separate our children in age.

It just feels like a lot of extra pressure and dealing with everyone’s excitement right around the holidays makes me just want to hibernate forever.

Sorry for the novel. I’m starting OPKs tomorrow trying to get a sense of when I’m ovulating so I can better predict my next cycle start for our upcoming FET.

I hear you and I’m sorry. My SIL had a baby 4 months ago. Her baby shower was full of comments about FIL “finally” going to be a grandfather. DH and I always thought we’d have the first, but both my brother and SIL have had babies while we’re dealing with IF. It’s very difficult and I’m really dreading spending time with the in-laws for Thanksgiving. Especially when I think that, had I not miscarried, we’d be planning a 1st birthday party soon.

I hope it gets better soon, for both of us!

I "liked" your post in solidarity, not because I like any of this. I'm sorry you're going through the same thing. It's unbelievably hard... harder than I ever thought it would be. We are strongly leaning toward just not getting together with family over Thanksgiving this year to try to avoid some of it. Especially since our transfer will be right around that time. Stress on top of stress on top of stress. I, too, hope it gets better soon for both/all of us! 

[mrsbunny]

DH's semen analysis came back as normal. That's how it was the last time we did this process, so it's not too surprising. Still no idea why I can't get pregnant, but whatever....I got a respiratory infection last week and had to be out of work on Friday since I couldn't talk. (I'm a therapist so talking is sort of required!) I've been on antibiotics since Friday and will finish up the day after my period is supposed to come. I called my RE and they said I should still be okay to start the IUI cycle this month.

We came up with the costs and surprise, surprise, insurance won't pay for the IUIs. We're going to call to see if there's any financial help. Last time they took some money off since our insurance wouldn't cover it, so hopefully they can do that again this time. I'm planning on calling them tomorrow and then DH and I need to officially decide if we're going through with it this month or next since I'm supposed to get my period next week.

It seems surreal that I could be starting this process all over again next week.

[msmerymac]

pickel, I'm so happy for you! Donor eggs are for sure a possibility in my future, so I'm eager to hear how it goes.

seeyalater52, I TOTALLY empathize. I had a really hard time when my SIL had her second baby. She got married in 2013 and had her first in 2014, which is just when we started TTC. So I figured we'd at least have the second one. Maybe we'd have a boy? (She had a girl.) Well, then she had a boy 2 years later. Then she had another boy this year. I wanted our kids to grow up close in age, because my only first cousin was 15 years older than me, so I didn't have that close relationship some cousins seem to have. I also figured it would make me feel closer to my niece and nephews because I'm not biologically related to them (they're my husband's sister's kids), but if my H and I had kids, then I'd have a bio connection to them. I would have had my first baby in April, and that one would have been 2 months older than my youngest nephew. When I got pregnant the second time, I knew my SIL was pregnant and was excited that our kids would be about 6 months apart, and then that didn't happen. But this time when she had a baby, I figured... well, if she keeps having kids, maybe eventually I'll have one almost the same age?

I was about to leave work for my RESOLVE group tonight and I saw it was cancelled, and I almost lost it at my desk. My H is out at a meet up thing tonight because I was supposed to be out late. I hosted my BFF's baby shower on Sunday and I did really well - I wasn't sad at all - but sometimes I'll think about her being pregnant and get a little sad, if that makes sense. About a month ago she was crying about how she wanted me to get pregnant so bad (which I swear was hormones, lol). She's so sweet. It took her 4 years to have a pregnancy that stuck long-term, so she knows it's hard.

My wedding anniversary is tomorrow. It will be 8 years. When we started TTC I thought we'd have a baby by our 5th anniversary, and our second by now. When my group was cancelled tonight I realized that my anniversary is kind of upsetting the way other milestones throughout the year are. It's bittersweet.

Also, some asshole at CVS put the wedding anniversary cards next to the baptism cards.


I have a consultation with a new RE on Friday and a hysteroscopy on Monday, and a TON of stuff going on at work in between everything.

[starryfish]

I’m here. Iui #2 is Friday. My body is responding really slowly even tho I got a lot of drugs to help it. If this doesn’t work, ivf is next for us. They have two trials coming up so I hope we can do one

[seeyalater52]

pickel how exciting to be trying something new! I hope you find the perfect donor and the time passes quickly.m until January. Let us know how it goes!

mrsbunny isn’t it weird not having any answers? After all these IUIs and IVF and failed transfers I’m still unexplained. I want to know WHY it isn’t working.

msmerymac I’m sorry you can relate, friend. This is all the absolute worst. I think I’m slowly coming around to accepting that my sister is going to have this baby but I’m not there yet with really processing my own feelings and being happy for her. I’m sure I’ll get there eventually. So many hopes and dreams on hold indefinitely. Happy anniversary and I hope the appointment with your new RE goes well ((Hugs))

starryfish good luck with your IUI!

I’m tracking ovulation and got a surprise positive OPK this morning at CD18.... 5 days before I was expecting it. So at least the wait to start the FET cycle will likely be shorter than I thought. It also means that we are likely to transfer mid-Nov with a beta right at Thanksgiving. I hate when treatments collide with holidays and milestones it’s so stressful.

[icedcoffee]

YAY for early ovulation seeyalater52!

I am starting to feel like a pin cushion. Yesterday I had 5 needle jabs--monitoring, flu shot, cetrotide, menopur and follistim. My arm is sore from that damn flu shot and I had forgotten how fun the cetrotide injection is. I squirted blood everywhere after. OOPS!

[icedcoffee]

POTENTIAL THIS IS US SPOILERS!

Has anyone kept up with This Is Us? I watched the egg retrieval episode last night. I basically ugly cried most of the episode. Not sure why I would watch it while hyped up on hormones. LOL. Kate's convo with Randell about why she wouldn't go straight to adoption basically did me in. I see both sides of that convo and how both of them would struggle. How much Kate wants to carry and deliver a genetic baby and how Randell would see it as being anti-adoption. It's complicated.

I'm so happy she got 8 eggs. I hope they're currently in a lab fertilizing. Haha

Also--last week's episode made me crack up when Kate's drugs fell out of the fridge and Toby goes "uuhh---I'm on heroin." LOL. and then giving the injections in the bathroom. I think those scenes really did a good job of portraying what we go through for IVF.

[icedcoffee]

I'm on day 8 of stims here. I felt REALLY crappy last night, but I seem to be better today. Phew.

[seeyalater52]

Oct 11, 2018 10:59:09 GMT -5 icedcoffee said:

POTENTIAL THIS IS US SPOILERS!

Has anyone kept up with This Is Us? I watched the egg retrieval episode last night. I basically ugly cried most of the episode. Not sure why I would watch it while hyped up on hormones. LOL. Kate's convo with Randell about why she wouldn't go straight to adoption basically did me in. I see both sides of that convo and how both of them would struggle. How much Kate wants to carry and deliver a genetic baby and how Randell would see it as being anti-adoption. It's complicated.

I'm so happy she got 8 eggs. I hope they're currently in a lab fertilizing. Haha

Also--last week's episode made me crack up when Kate's drugs fell out of the fridge and Toby goes "uuhh---I'm on heroin." LOL. and then giving the injections in the bathroom. I think those scenes really did a good job of portraying what we go through for IVF.

Yessss! I am actually liking this season a lot so far. The tension between Kate and Randall about her IVF was so well-done. It has the depth and nuance that a lot of the show has about complex issues and I thought was really true to both their characters while also doing service to both perspectives. Also next time someone tells me to “just adopt” I’m going to channel Kate’s response to Randall because YES. But I also totally get why it is complicated for him and Kevin’s clueless comments didn’t help any.

The meds falling out of the fridge made me laugh. Also Kate’s reaction to her birthday brunch.

The show seems to love to torment the characters so I’m a little scared about how it all turns out.

[seeyalater52]

Oct 11, 2018 11:00:08 GMT -5 icedcoffee said:

I'm on day 8 of stims here. I felt REALLY crappy last night, but I seem to be better today. Phew.

So glad you’re feeling better! Any sense yet of when your retrieval will be?

[icedcoffee]

Oct 11, 2018 13:22:50 GMT -5 seeyalater52 said:

Oct 11, 2018 11:00:08 GMT -5 icedcoffee said:

I'm on day 8 of stims here. I felt REALLY crappy last night, but I seem to be better today. Phew.

So glad you’re feeling better! Any sense yet of when your retrieval will be?

I'm guessing Monday or Tuesday.  Largest follicle is still at 14.  I go back daily at this point.  Eek!

[seeyalater52]

Oct 11, 2018 13:49:18 GMT -5 icedcoffee said:

Oct 11, 2018 13:22:50 GMT -5 seeyalater52 said:

So glad you’re feeling better! Any sense yet of when your retrieval will be?

I'm guessing Monday or Tuesday.  Largest follicle is still at 14.  I go back daily at this point.  Eek!

Eeek good luck!

[bronxgirl]

I also like how This Is Us is handling IF and IVF. It's so rare to see it represented on TV anywhere close to what it's really like. Hugs to you, seeyalater52,and msmerymac. IF is so fucking hard and then seeing other people's success can be such a mindfuck. I always have a hard time talking about it to people who haven't been through it because I feel like people don't understand what a huge loss it is.

[starryfish]

Iui #2 is done!!! Now just have to wait!!!!

[seeyalater52]

Oct 12, 2018 9:12:36 GMT -5 starryfish said:

Iui #2 is done!!! Now just have to wait!!!!

Good luck!!!!!!

[icedcoffee]

Good luck starryfish!

[pooh8402]

Oct 12, 2018 9:12:36 GMT -5 starryfish said:

Iui #2 is done!!! Now just have to wait!!!!

Charge! Good luck!

[shoeless]

Good luck starryfish !

I'm back. I finally have a FET transfer date of 1 November.   I don't know why, but I am already feeling deflated. 

[seeyalater52]

I’m glad you have a transfer date shoeless but I relate on feeling deflated. It is hard to keep being hopeful. Hang in there. <3